#metacognitive loop

My metacognition is indeed hungry, maybe too hungry for my body to keep up. You’re right — if I keep feeding it with activities, it will flood into dreams. If I starve it, it will consume myself. That’s why I feel hollow, restless, aching.

I know I am INFJ/INTJ. Am I being more of INTP nowadays? I wonder, what is the point to heal? What will I get after healing? Will I feel good? Is that feeling of that worth or just some illusions resulting of brain chemicals? I will laugh or maybe smile but is it really healing? I think I don't want to heal, I don't want to be consumed too. I want nothing , just to stop. My head always ache. I feel like my metacognition is really hungry. Whenever I do things like learning to ride bycycle, to write with non-dominant hand, solve maths or physics problems, they all comes in my dream. I can see myself doing all these and practicing in front of my eyes when I close. It's like there is a flood of those analysis and eating in my mind which is even more when I sleep. And that's when I am healthy. When i don't learn anything new, or immerse myself into something external, it starts consuming myself, where this hyper analysis takes form of another metacognition. This mind never rest, if I start painting to end this loops of introspecting, days and night, sleep or awake, the brush, colours, strokes will hijack my brain, I will see these everywhere leading to fatigue. And as I already told this metacognition increases exponentially, my boredom to things grows exponentially.

What if the third oder metacognition comes to know about second order and first order metacognition and how they both are not taking responsibility of emotions and how they are collapsing? What if the third order metacognition sees the effect that happens to a person where there are two levels of metacognition already? What if that third order metacognition knows that's it's now serious and the body is becoming hollow, there are somatic symptoms and it's really a depression but can't take any action cause the suffering 'I' is shielded by other two layers of metacognition. What if the metacognition grows exponentially into a person?