too much aspertame in the diet, i think

And Blondie sets himself up in front of the fireplace and, with a ridiculous flourish, pulls out a book while you and the other guests exchange confused glances. And then he starts reading you some inane fairy tale. He's reading you a fucking bedtime story. And you're tired and you're cold and you're wet from the rain, and you just want to sleep, so you sit there for a couple of minutes just out of politeness, but then you get up (because this guy can't be serious, right?) and you turn around to leave, and that's when you bump directly into The Other Guy, the one who Blondie over there kissed on the cheek right as you came in. You remember because your first thought was, "There's an interesting pair if I ever saw one."

The Other Guy is dressed head-to-toe in black leather; he's got tattoos all over the place, some of them of skulls. You're pretty sure you've seen his face on wanted posters. Like...actually. And he's just standing there, arms crossed, directly in your way, a small small on his bearded face that doesn't quite reach his eyes. And he says, "You wouldn't want to miss the ending, would you? It's the best part."

And you know you have no choice but to slowly sink back down into your seat. And Blondie's eyes twinkle in a very unsettling way when they flick from your face up to The Other Guy who's still looming there behind the sofa you're sat on. You chance a glance back at him, and you can't help being in awe of how fucking soft The Other Guy's expression is now that he's no longer threatening your life and is instead looking only at Blondie.

ed: awww babe that’s not how mail works

#Literally the same energy, i'm gonna be sick