Literati Love ~-~

"You're going," Luke said.

"I'm not."

"You are."

That was the whole conversation. Luke had a gift for economy.

So now Jess is standing at the edge of the square with his hands shoved into his jacket pockets, watching Stars Hollow do what Stars Hollow does best: perform joy at top volume. There are paper lanterns strung between the lampposts. Someone — Taylor, obviously — has erected a banner that reads CELEBRATE OUR COMMUNITY in letters so large they're visible from three zip codes. A group of kids are chasing each other around Miss Patty's studio. Babette is crying. She's always crying. At festivals, at sunsets, at the time Morey tried a new chord progression in the driveway.

Jess watches all of it with the particular expression he's perfected over the years: utterly unmoved, faintly contemptuous, professionally absent.

It's a good look. It keeps people at a distance, which is the point.

He knows what they say about him.

Not the specifics — he's never cared enough to piece together the full gossip infrastructure of this town, though he suspects Babette and Miss Patty operate some kind of relay system — but the broad strokes are easy enough to read in the way people look at him when he walks into Doose's. Like they're waiting for him to pocket something. Like his presence itself is a small transgression.

Bad kid. That's the shorthand. He's figured out the file they've built on him: truant, troublemaker, drinks behind the diner, bad influence on Rory Gilmore.

The drinking thing is almost funny.

He'd tried to explain it once, to no one in particular, just turning it over in his head the way you turn over a joke that doesn't land — I've never had a drink in my life — and the punchline is that nobody would believe him. It doesn't fit the narrative. The narrative requires him to be a certain kind of disaster, and Stars Hollow has committed to that narrative with the fervor of people who have very little else going on.

He knows how to tap a beer keg. He knows how to get wine stains out of a white tablecloth, out of a couch cushion, out of carpet that has seen better decades. He knows the specific smell of cheap vodka and cheaper gin and the particular sound a bottle makes when it hits linoleum at two in the morning.

His mother had called it practical education.

These are life skills, Jess, you'll thank me.

She'd been earnest about it, that was the part he couldn't explain to anyone without sounding like he was making excuses for her. Liz Danes had her own internal logic, complete and self-consistent, and within that logic she was not a bad mother — she was a fun mother, a cool mother, a mother who treated her kid like a small adult because she never quite finished growing up herself. She'd looked at him across the kitchen table at eight, nine, ten years old and seen a peer. Someone to split the rent with, emotionally speaking.

He'd let her.

He hadn't had much choice.

He was eight the first time he got caught.

That's how he thinks of it — caught — because that's what it felt like. An exposure. A failure.

Derek had been around for about three months at that point, which made him practically a fixture by Liz's standards. He had a motorcycle and a laugh that filled up rooms and he called Jess little man in a way that was meant to be affectionate and landed somewhere adjacent to it. Jess had been trying to figure out if he liked him. He was still in the phase of thinking that mattered — that his opinion of the men who came through their apartment was something that would be consulted.

He'd been crying in the bathroom. He didn't remember now what about — something small, probably, the kind of thing that feels enormous when you're eight and you're tired and you've been holding yourself together for longer than a kid should have to. The door hadn't been fully latched.

Derek had pushed it open without knocking.

There'd been a beat of silence. The particular silence of a grown man looking at a crying child and deciding what to do about it.

"Hey," Derek said. Then: "Ah, come on. Boys don't do that."

Jess had looked at him.

"Toughen up, yeah? Don't let your mom see you like that, it'll upset her."

And then he'd left. Closed the door behind him. The lesson was clean, surgical: your feelings are a burden, and moreover, they are your mother's burden, and it is your job to manage them so she doesn't have to.

He'd learned it thoroughly. He'd been a good student.

Derek was gone by spring.

The thing about Rory Gilmore is that she looked at him and didn't immediately start editing.

He didn't know how to explain that to anyone, mostly because he'd never had the language for it, but that's what it was. Everyone else in his life — Luke included, and Luke was the best of them, Luke had fed him and housed him and asked for almost nothing in return — everyone else came with an agenda. A theory of Jess that they'd arrived at before he'd opened his mouth. Luke's theory was troubled kid who needs structure. Taylor's theory was delinquent. Lorelai's theory was—

Well.

Lorelai thought she understood him. He'd seen it on her face, that flicker of recognition, the way she looked at him sometimes like she was looking into a mirror she didn't particularly want to see. And she wasn't entirely wrong — there were surface similarities, he wasn't stupid — but she'd gotten the story backwards and she didn't know it.

She'd had resources. She'd had the Gilmore name and the Gilmore money and a town that had watched her grow up and loved her anyway, had built a mythology around her, had made her charming dysfunction into a feature. When Lorelai Gilmore blew up her life, Stars Hollow shook its head and smiled. She got to be quirky.

His mother got to be quirky too, for that matter. They loved Liz here. He'd seen it already — the warmth in their voices when they said her name, the way they talked about her like she was a character in a story rather than a person who had made consistent choices with consistent consequences. Oh, Liz, she's something else.

Which made Jess the something else. The evidence. The proof that the story had costs.

He loved his mother. He needed that to be legible somewhere, even if only to himself, standing in the middle of a festival he didn't want to attend — he loved her. He had always loved her. He had loved her through every man she'd chosen over him, every morning she'd slept through, every school meeting she'd forgotten, every time he'd stood outside her bedroom door listening to her cry over someone who hadn't deserved the tears, trying to decide whether to go in, trying to remember whether consolation was something she could receive right now or whether she'd turn it into something about herself.

He had learned to be very good at deciding that.

He just — couldn't help the other thing. The shadow underneath the love, which was something he didn't have a word for. Not hate. Not hate at all. Something more like grief, maybe, or like standing in a house where all the furniture is slightly wrong, everything two inches from where it should be, and you keep running into corners you should have learned to avoid by now.

He couldn't help that he resented her. He'd tried.

He's thinking about this — he's always thinking about this, it's the background music, the channel he can never quite turn off — when he sees her.

She's standing by the lantern booth, wearing a purple wrap that Jess recognizes from approximately 2002, her blonde hair down and loose. She's laughing at something the man next to her has said. Her whole face does that thing it does when she laughs, that thing that makes her look younger than she is, that thing that used to make him think this time it'll be different, when he was young enough to think that.

He stops.

She hasn't seen him yet.

This is the moment, he knows, where he could turn around. Walk back to the diner. Finish the book he's been rereading, the Kerouac he keeps returning to not because he loves it but because it makes him feel less insane for wanting to move, for needing to move, for the low-grade terror that's been following him since he got to Stars Hollow — the fear that if he stays somewhere long enough he'll calcify, he'll root, he'll end up marooned in his own life the way his mother keeps ending up marooned in hers.

He knows that's what he's doing. He's not stupid about himself. He had done it to Luke, he'd done it to Rory — looked at the thing being offered to him and understood on some molecular level that if he let himself have it, really have it, he would eventually do what his mother did. He would hurt the people who'd made the mistake of caring. He would ruin it.

He is very good at ruining things. He came by it honestly.

He watches his mother laugh at the lantern booth, and he doesn't move, and she turns —

— and sees him.

Her face does something complicated. Something he's spent a lifetime learning to read. There's a beat where she's deciding what version of herself to be, and then she lands on the one he knew she would, the one she always reaches for:

bright, warm, slightly too loud.

"Jess."

He stands there.

She opens her arms.

He stands there for another half a second, which is the most resistance he ever manages, and then he crosses the distance between them, and he lets her hug him, and she smells like the same drugstore perfume she's worn since he was four years old, and he doesn't say anything, because there's nothing to say, because there's never anything to say, because he learned a long time ago in a bathroom with a poorly latched door that feelings are a burden and it is his job to manage them.

His mother pulls back and holds him by the shoulders and looks at him like he is the most wonderful surprise of her life.

"You're so tall," she says.

"I was tall last time," he says.

"Taller." She squeezes. "Isn't he tall, Gary?"

He looks at Gary.

Gary has the motorcycle. Gary has the laugh.

Gary says, "Hey, little man."

Later — much later, when Liz has drifted toward the dancing and Gary has drifted with her — Jess finds himself at the edge of the square again. Same spot. Same jacket. Same expression.

Rory finds him there, because Rory has a talent for finding him, which is one of the things he's done his best not to think about.

She doesn't say anything immediately. She just comes to stand beside him, and she looks at the square with that particular quality of attention she has — like she's already writing it down somewhere — and for a minute they just stand there, watching Stars Hollow celebrate itself.

"Is that your mom?" she asks finally.

"Yeah."

"She seems—"

"She's having a great time," he says. His voice is flat. Not mean. Just flat.

Rory doesn't push it.

She'd never assumed anything about him. She'd waited. She'd asked. She'd read the same books and argued about the ones they disagreed on and never once looked at him like she already knew the ending of his story.

He'd ruined that too.

He's aware of the irony. He is always aware of the irony. He is made of irony, sitting on top of a layer of dread, on top of something he refuses to examine, on top of an eight-year-old kid in a bathroom who learned the wrong lesson about the cost of being seen.

His mother laughs, somewhere across the square. The sound carries.

"You okay?" Rory asks.

He almost doesn't answer. He almost lets the question sit there, the way he lets everything sit there, untouched, the way he's always let everything sit there.

"Yeah," he says.

She looks at him. She doesn't say are you sure, because she's not like that. But she stays, which is its own kind of answer.

He watches Gary put his arm around his mother.

Jess puts his hands back in his pockets.

The lanterns are pretty, he thinks. He won't say that out loud. But they are.