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Plot summary: In 1870s Texas, Joel Miller loses his wife and son in childbirth, leaving him to raise his five year old daughter Sarah alone. Faced with losing her to his wife's grieving parents, or being forced into marrying her younger sister, he turns to you - the town's thirty-something spinster - and asks for your hand in a marriage of convenience.
Chapter summary: The court case draws to a conclusion.
Warnings: 18+only.
A/N: A few people reached out to me about this story today! Enjoy the update. I’m thinking probably one more chapter to round things off 🥰
Masterlist
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The court sits again at twelve o'clock, just as Judge Pryor ordered.
The recess has done nothing to thin the crowd – if anything the dining room of the hotel is fuller than before, the county having gone out only to trade the morning's sensation mouth to mouth on the boardwalk and come crowding back for the afternoon of it. The heat has built and the open windows give no relief. The air hangs thick with dust and sweat and the low drone of a hundred voices, and it all falls to a hush and a scrape of chairs when the side door opens, and Hayes brings Joel back in.
He walks in straighter than he left and you recognise that the time has steadied him – that what you said to him has gone in and taken hold – and his eyes come to the front row first thing and find you there. He nods, then sits beside James, turning his chair the few degrees that lets him keep you at the edge of his sight.
"All rise for the Honourable Judge Amos Pryor."
The room stands, scrapes and settles as Judge Pryor resumes his seat. He looks out over the sea of spectators and raps his block once for the form of it.
"I’d like to remind everyone that we're here on the charge against Joel Miller – the attempted murder of Reverend Eziekiel Sawyer. That is the charge before this court. That, and nothing else. I’ll remind you all that the rumour the Reverend flung out this morning – of some killing years past, unnamed, unproven, never charged – is not evidence. We're here on one question and one question only. Did Joel Miller strike Reverend Sawyer, attempting to murder him, and if he did, was he in law justified?”
He shuffles his papers.
“Mr Dean, do you have any further witnesses?”
“No, your honour,” the prosecution lawyer replies.
The judge pauses. “You don’t intend to call the man who witnessed the alleged assault?”
“No.”
“Fine,” he makes a face. “Mr Oliver?”
"The defence calls Tomás Rodrigues."
You sense movement behind you and half turn to see Tomás making his way down the aisle to the front of the room. He goes to the witness chair, places his hand on the Bible and swears the oath, then settles himself in the seat, offering a nod to Joel as he does so.
"Can you please state your name for the court," James asks.
"Tomás Rodrigues.”
“And are you in Mr Miller’s employ?”
“Yes,” Tomás nods. “Have been for more than five years.”
“Is Mr Miller a good employer?”
“Yes,” Tomás smiles softly. “The best and kindest I have ever worked for. I am proud to call him my employer.”
James nods. "You were present at the Miller ranch the day Reverend Sawyer came out, weren’t you? The day of this alleged assault?"
"I was and I saw the whole of it, start to finish. Mrs Miller was sick with the fever and Joel – Mr Miller – was beside himself. He lost his first wife, had just found love again and was terrified he was going to lose her. He sat with her the whole time, just holding her hand and praying.”
"And then,” James says, “the Reverend arrived.”
“Yes,” Tomás nods, his tone turning contemptuous. “He came in his wagon, announced. Nobody sent for him. Mr Miller met him in the yard.”
“And could you hear what was said?”
“Yes, I came out of the barn. The Reverend said he had come to offer a prayer for Mrs Miller. Mr Miller asked him to leave.”
“Do you know why?”
“Mr Miller and the Reverend were not on good terms since the death of Mr Miller’s first wife, the Reverend’s daughter. The Reverend had tried to claim that Mr Miller was not a fit man to care for…”
“Objection, hearsay!” Mr Dean leaps to his feet.
Judge Pryor sighs heavily. “Sustained. Mr Rodrigues, please confine yourself to that which you personally witnessed.”
“What happened next?” James asks quickly.
“The Reverend was unkind about Mrs Miller. He said that she was weak and would likely die. He said that it would be the Lord’s will and that his younger daughter would then be best placed to become Mr Miller’s wife.”
A ripple goes around the room.
“Mr Miller took hold of him, told him to leave and pushed him away.”
“And did you step in?”
“At that point, yes. To ensure Mr Miller’s own safety. Then the Reverend got back into his wagon and left.”
"Thank you,” James says, moving back to the table. “Your witness.”
“Was Mr Miller angry, Mr Rodrigues?” Nathanial asks, rising from his chair.
“He was angry at the Reverend’s words, yes.”
“Angry enough to try and kill him?”
“No,” Tomás says firmly. “Mr Miller would not have done that.”
“But he laid hands on the Reverend – an unarmed man of God.”
“Yes, in defence of his family. You would have done the same.”
“It’s not a matter of what I would have done,” Nathanial replies. “But you are Mr Miller’s trusted employee.”
“Yes.”
“And you depend on him for your livelihood.”
Tomás pauses, “Yes.”
“Then, there is every reason for you to come in here and tell a tale that best fits the narrative that Mr Oliver wants – to make Mr Miller seem less culpable than he is.”
Tomás’s face goes red. “I am no liar, sir. As God is my witness.”
Nathanial moves back to the table. “Nothing further.”
“Mr Oliver?” Judge Pryor peers over his spectacles.
James squares his papers on the defence table and turns to look at you.
"Your honour, the defence calls Mrs Miller."
You inhale deeply then rise smoothly and walk forward to the witness chair with your chin up and your eyes forwards. Passing the defence table you don’t let yourself look at Joel, because you know that if you look at him too soon you won’t be able to do what you’ve come up here to do.
You take the witness chair, swear on the Bible then sit, smooth your skirt over your knees, look at James and wait.
"Mrs Miller," James says gently. "You are the wife of the defendant."
"I am."
"And you are the woman who lay sick with the fever on the day Reverend Sawyer came to the Miller ranch."
"I am.”
"Mrs Miller, tell the court about your husband.”
You look at Joel, watching you from the defence table with his whole heart naked in his eyes, and the sight of him there undoes something in you, forcing you to breathe once before you can go on. And when you go on you speak to him, not to James or the room, though every spectator there hangs on every word.
"When I married Joel, it wasn’t for love. I'll be honest before God and this room when I say that. I had known him, known his late wife and how much he loved her. I had seen the devastation he suffered after her death. Here he was, a widower with a good ranch and a motherless girl who needed a wife to keep his house and help him raise his child. I also knew that the Reverend, his own father-in-law, had threatened to take Sarah from him and understood that him having a wife would be an advantage were any court proceedings ever to be raised. That’s how it began, and I'll not dress it prettier than it was."
You lace your fingers tight in your lap.
“Joel was…a broken man and I knew my task was to keep things in order and I did that, as best I could for several months. I watched him work the land and love his daughter and grieve his wife and I knew what a good, kind man he was. And then, one day, things changed between us.”
“In what way?”
“We became closer over time until…well until we realised that we cared about one another more than our original arrangement intended us to.”
You take a breath.
“When I became ill, Joel cared for me. He sat with me, night and day, and prayed for my recovery. I know that he was terrified to lose me, just as he had lost Tess. And I know that when the Reverend told him that I would die…”
Tears form in your eyes.
“I can only imagine how that must have felt. The Reverend had no business on our land that day, not when he and Joel were on bad terms, and Joel pushed him away to silence him. I have asked myself what I would have had him do instead. Should he have stood aside and allow a man who was wishing for his wife’s death to be allowed to be near her? Allow him to continue his tirade?”
“Your honour…” Nathanial half rises, but the judge waves him back into his seat.
“He pushed him away one time and I thank God he did, and if that is a crime then I don’t understand the word."
The silence in the room is a living thing.
"One last question, Mrs Miller." James says quietly. "Do you love your husband?"
You look back at Joel, his face wet.
"With my whole heart," you reply. "More than I’ve loved anything in all my life. I didn’t expect it, but I have it, and I mean to keep it, and I would marry him all over again for the privilege of keeping it. Joel is a good man, good clear through. And he pushed a man away to stop him when he wished me dead. That man did not succeed, and I would like very much to be able to go home with my husband and live the rest of our lives as God intended."
"Thank you, Mrs Miller." James turns, something in his face that’s near to triumph held hard in check. "Your witness."
Nathanial rises because he has to, but you can see in his face that he knows what the room has become, and he comes at you carefully, almost gently, because a man who bullies a beloved wife is a man who loses his case in a breath, and he’s not a fool.
"Mrs Miller, do you accept that Reverend Sawyer, whatever his manner, came to your home that day believing he did right? That he came to pray and not to harm?”
"I'll accept that may have been part of his intention,” you reply. “But a man may do great harm believing he does right."
"Indeed. But you are the defendant's wife and, much like Mr Rodrigues, you have every reason in the world to colour this in his favour."
"I have every reason in the world to love him, Mr Dean, which is a different thing. I’ve sworn on the Bible to tell the truth, and the truth is in his favour. If the truth ran against him, I should be sitting here far more wretched than I am, but I should still be bound to tell it. The truth is that he did the right thing and I'm sorry that's inconvenient to your case."
Soft laughter rings through the room. Nathanial colours and you see him decide to cut his losses.
"Was the Reverend armed, Mrs Miller?"
"He was armed with his voice and his attitude,” you say stiffly. “My husband disarmed the only weapon in that yard that afternoon, and it was not a gun, and he did it with one action and here I sit."
He looks at you for a long moment. “Forgive the impertinent question, Mrs Miller, but is your marriage legally consummated? Have you and Mr Miller shared intimate relations?”
Gasps ring around the room and Judge Pryor’s eyebrows raise, but given you’ve been bracing for this all along, you meet the lawyer’s gaze with a steely one of your own.
“Yes, happily and frequently.”
The laughter is louder this time and Judge Pryor raps on his block. “Any further questions Mr Dean?”
Nathanial pauses and shakes his head. “No, your honour – none.”
“You may step down, Mrs Miller,” the judge says and you rise and manage to make your way back to your seat, Joel’s eyes following you. When you sit down, you look over at him and smile.
James rises and rests his case, shaking his head when the judge asks if Joel intends to testify. Nathanial then does his best to sum up, speaking of the sanctity of a minister's person, of the danger of every man deciding for himself when a blow is justified, of the rule of law that must not bend even to a husband's love. It’s a competent speech and it falls into the hot room like a stone into a well and raises no echo, because the room has already made up its mind and the lawyer’s own weary voice half knows it.
Then James sums up for Joel, briefly, because he’s too good a lawyer to gild what you’ve already laid before them.
"Your honour, you've heard witnesses to the deed, and they don't disagree in any particular that matters. We have a sick woman, at the crisis of a deadly fever. We have a man who came, however he meant it, and told her husband that she would die, a man who knew the impact those words would have. And we have a husband, a man who had lost his first wife already and, in the half-second the law and God gives a man to defend his own, grabbed the Reverend and pushed him away. One time. And then he stood down, told the Reverend to go, and went straight back to his wife."
He takes a breath.
"The law does not require a man to stand with his arms folded while another man threatens the health of his wife. The law calls that the defence of habitation and the defence of conjugal estate – and it does not hang a man, nor jail him, nor brand him a criminal, for striking one blow in that defence, using the least force the moment allowed. You heard Mrs Miller. She will not wish her husband had done otherwise and neither, I think, will you. Joel Miller defended his wife's life. That is no crime in Texas, nor anywhere men have wives they love. Send him home to her. Send him home to that little girl. That's all I ask, because it's all that's right."
He sits back down and claps his hand briefly on Joel’s shoulder.
Judge Pryor takes off his spectacles, looks out once more across the room and then does a thing that makes James go very still with hope and makes your heart climb into your throat.
"I'm not going to trouble everyone by leaving the room. I have been on this bench for many years and. I know an attempted murder case, and I know a defence of conjugal estate when they're laid before me plain, and this one has been laid before me as plain as any I've heard. There's no dispute in the facts worth the name and they tell it the same.”
He picks up his hammer.
"The law of this state does not require a husband to suffer another man to imperil his wife's life in his own yard. He may meet it with such force as the moment fairly demands, and no more. Joel Miller grabbed Reverend Sawyer pushed him away and stood down the instant the threat was past. That is not the act of a brawler nor a beast. That is the least a man could do and still call himself a husband. I find that Joel Miller was provoked – grievously provoked – by the conduct of Reverend Sawyer, and that in striking him he acted in the lawful defence of his wife and his household, using no more force than that defence required."
The hammer comes up.
"I have also read the letter from the town council and the many testimonials to Mr Miller’s character and I therefore find the defendant not guilty. And I'll say further, for the record and for this whole county to carry home, that in my judgment Joel Miller did nothing that afternoon but what any decent man in this room would have done and been right to do.”
His eyes move to where the Reverend sits near the back of the room. “You should be ashamed of yourself, sir, a man of the cloth.” Then his gaze moves to Joel. "You're free to go, Mr Miller. Take your wife home."
The hammer comes down and the room comes apart.
It breaks into a great roar – not the ugly buzzing of the morning but something else, a swell of noise with cheering in it, men on their feet, hats going up, and you don’t hear the half of it because you’re already up out of your seat and Joel is already up out of his and neither of you give one thought to the crowd or the judge or the whole watching county.
He meets you in the open space, catching you up into him so hard your feet leave the floor, both his arms crushing you against him, his face buried in your hair. You wind your arms around his neck and hold on as you both weep, past caring, and the county can watch and be damned.
"Darlin’…" His voice breaks against your hair. "I’m comin’ home, darlin’…”
"You're coming home." You draw back enough to take his wet face in both your hands, laughing and weeping at once. "You're coming home, Joel. We’re walking out of that door together. "
"And we have the rest of our lives together,” he says, wrecked and laughing as he presses his forehead to yours. "Sarah…we have to get Sarah."
“She’s with my father. We can go straight there. Oh Joel, she’ll be so happy!”
Suddenly remembering yourself, you pull away and turn back to where James is gathering his papers. “Thank you!” You throw yourself into his arms. “Thank you so much!”
“You’re very welcome,” he laughs in response as you pull back. “Please take this in the way it is intended, but I hope never to see you again.”
You laugh as Joel extends his hand. “I can never repay you, sir.”
“You can indeed by living well,” James replies, shaking Joel’s hand heartily. “Now, I would wager that your daughter will be eagerly waiting for you. You should go to her.”
Taking Joel’s hand in yours, you begin making your way to the entrance to the hotel – or at least trying to. Joel is swarmed by townsfolk, clapping him on the back and offering words of delight at the verdict. You smile at them, but inside you can’t help but feel the sting of irony for all those who had previously whispered and stared.
Tomás steps in front of you, parting the crowds and leading you back out into the hot afternoon sun. “I will fetch the wagon,” he says.
Joel nods. “Thank you, Tomás – for everythin’.”
“Si patron, it is my pleasure.”
The journey along the boardwalk to the mercantile feels far longer than it is, and when you open the door and Joel steps inside, you see Sarah at the counter, drawing with your father, her face lighting up in delight.
“Pa!”
She jumps down and runs to him, Joel catching her out of the air as she flings herself into his arms. He gathers her up against his chest, buries his wet face in her hair, and you go down onto your knees beside them, wrapping your arms around the both of them at once. And the three of you kneel there on the floor tangled together, the hard bright afternoon light coming slanting gold through the open windows across the three of you on the floor.
“You’re coming home, Pa,” Sarah sobs, “you’re coming home…”
“I’m comin’ home, babygirl,” Joel says. “I’m comin’ home and I’ve never leavin’ either of you ever again as long as I live.”
Rising, you allow your own father to pull you into his embrace, feeling his body shake against yours. “I’m so glad, my love, I’m so glad…”
“Pa…” Sarah pulls back. “Now that you’re coming home – can I have a baby sister?”
Joel laughs, wipes away the tears from under her eyes and then glances up at you, gaze full of love. “We’ll see, babygirl, we’ll see.”
Plot summary: In 1870s Texas, Joel Miller loses his wife and son in childbirth, leaving him to raise his five year old daughter Sarah alone. Faced with losing her to his wife's grieving parents, or being forced into marrying her younger sister, he turns to you - the town's thirty-something spinster - and asks for your hand in a marriage of convenience.
Chapter summary: The court case draws to a conclusion.
Warnings: 18+only.
A/N: A few people reached out to me about this story today! Enjoy the update. I’m thinking probably one more chapter to round things off 🥰
Masterlist
➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰❤️➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰
The court sits again at twelve o'clock, just as Judge Pryor ordered.
The recess has done nothing to thin the crowd – if anything the dining room of the hotel is fuller than before, the county having gone out only to trade the morning's sensation mouth to mouth on the boardwalk and come crowding back for the afternoon of it. The heat has built and the open windows give no relief. The air hangs thick with dust and sweat and the low drone of a hundred voices, and it all falls to a hush and a scrape of chairs when the side door opens, and Hayes brings Joel back in.
He walks in straighter than he left and you recognise that the time has steadied him – that what you said to him has gone in and taken hold – and his eyes come to the front row first thing and find you there. He nods, then sits beside James, turning his chair the few degrees that lets him keep you at the edge of his sight.
"All rise for the Honourable Judge Amos Pryor."
The room stands, scrapes and settles as Judge Pryor resumes his seat. He looks out over the sea of spectators and raps his block once for the form of it.
"I’d like to remind everyone that we're here on the charge against Joel Miller – the attempted murder of Reverend Eziekiel Sawyer. That is the charge before this court. That, and nothing else. I’ll remind you all that the rumour the Reverend flung out this morning – of some killing years past, unnamed, unproven, never charged – is not evidence. We're here on one question and one question only. Did Joel Miller strike Reverend Sawyer, attempting to murder him, and if he did, was he in law justified?”
He shuffles his papers.
“Mr Dean, do you have any further witnesses?”
“No, your honour,” the prosecution lawyer replies.
The judge pauses. “You don’t intend to call the man who witnessed the alleged assault?”
“No.”
“Fine,” he makes a face. “Mr Oliver?”
"The defence calls Tomás Rodrigues."
You sense movement behind you and half turn to see Tomás making his way down the aisle to the front of the room. He goes to the witness chair, places his hand on the Bible and swears the oath, then settles himself in the seat, offering a nod to Joel as he does so.
"Can you please state your name for the court," James asks.
"Tomás Rodrigues.”
“And are you in Mr Miller’s employ?”
“Yes,” Tomás nods. “Have been for more than five years.”
“Is Mr Miller a good employer?”
“Yes,” Tomás smiles softly. “The best and kindest I have ever worked for. I am proud to call him my employer.”
James nods. "You were present at the Miller ranch the day Reverend Sawyer came out, weren’t you? The day of this alleged assault?"
"I was and I saw the whole of it, start to finish. Mrs Miller was sick with the fever and Joel – Mr Miller – was beside himself. He lost his first wife, had just found love again and was terrified he was going to lose her. He sat with her the whole time, just holding her hand and praying.”
"And then,” James says, “the Reverend arrived.”
“Yes,” Tomás nods, his tone turning contemptuous. “He came in his wagon, announced. Nobody sent for him. Mr Miller met him in the yard.”
“And could you hear what was said?”
“Yes, I came out of the barn. The Reverend said he had come to offer a prayer for Mrs Miller. Mr Miller asked him to leave.”
“Do you know why?”
“Mr Miller and the Reverend were not on good terms since the death of Mr Miller’s first wife, the Reverend’s daughter. The Reverend had tried to claim that Mr Miller was not a fit man to care for…”
“Objection, hearsay!” Mr Dean leaps to his feet.
Judge Pryor sighs heavily. “Sustained. Mr Rodrigues, please confine yourself to that which you personally witnessed.”
“What happened next?” James asks quickly.
“The Reverend was unkind about Mrs Miller. He said that she was weak and would likely die. He said that it would be the Lord’s will and that his younger daughter would then be best placed to become Mr Miller’s wife.”
A ripple goes around the room.
“Mr Miller took hold of him, told him to leave and pushed him away.”
“And did you step in?”
“At that point, yes. To ensure Mr Miller’s own safety. Then the Reverend got back into his wagon and left.”
"Thank you,” James says, moving back to the table. “Your witness.”
“Was Mr Miller angry, Mr Rodrigues?” Nathanial asks, rising from his chair.
“He was angry at the Reverend’s words, yes.”
“Angry enough to try and kill him?”
“No,” Tomás says firmly. “Mr Miller would not have done that.”
“But he laid hands on the Reverend – an unarmed man of God.”
“Yes, in defence of his family. You would have done the same.”
“It’s not a matter of what I would have done,” Nathanial replies. “But you are Mr Miller’s trusted employee.”
“Yes.”
“And you depend on him for your livelihood.”
Tomás pauses, “Yes.”
“Then, there is every reason for you to come in here and tell a tale that best fits the narrative that Mr Oliver wants – to make Mr Miller seem less culpable than he is.”
Tomás’s face goes red. “I am no liar, sir. As God is my witness.”
Nathanial moves back to the table. “Nothing further.”
“Mr Oliver?” Judge Pryor peers over his spectacles.
James squares his papers on the defence table and turns to look at you.
"Your honour, the defence calls Mrs Miller."
You inhale deeply then rise smoothly and walk forward to the witness chair with your chin up and your eyes forwards. Passing the defence table you don’t let yourself look at Joel, because you know that if you look at him too soon you won’t be able to do what you’ve come up here to do.
You take the witness chair, swear on the Bible then sit, smooth your skirt over your knees, look at James and wait.
"Mrs Miller," James says gently. "You are the wife of the defendant."
"I am."
"And you are the woman who lay sick with the fever on the day Reverend Sawyer came to the Miller ranch."
"I am.”
"Mrs Miller, tell the court about your husband.”
You look at Joel, watching you from the defence table with his whole heart naked in his eyes, and the sight of him there undoes something in you, forcing you to breathe once before you can go on. And when you go on you speak to him, not to James or the room, though every spectator there hangs on every word.
"When I married Joel, it wasn’t for love. I'll be honest before God and this room when I say that. I had known him, known his late wife and how much he loved her. I had seen the devastation he suffered after her death. Here he was, a widower with a good ranch and a motherless girl who needed a wife to keep his house and help him raise his child. I also knew that the Reverend, his own father-in-law, had threatened to take Sarah from him and understood that him having a wife would be an advantage were any court proceedings ever to be raised. That’s how it began, and I'll not dress it prettier than it was."
You lace your fingers tight in your lap.
“Joel was…a broken man and I knew my task was to keep things in order and I did that, as best I could for several months. I watched him work the land and love his daughter and grieve his wife and I knew what a good, kind man he was. And then, one day, things changed between us.”
“In what way?”
“We became closer over time until…well until we realised that we cared about one another more than our original arrangement intended us to.”
You take a breath.
“When I became ill, Joel cared for me. He sat with me, night and day, and prayed for my recovery. I know that he was terrified to lose me, just as he had lost Tess. And I know that when the Reverend told him that I would die…”
Tears form in your eyes.
“I can only imagine how that must have felt. The Reverend had no business on our land that day, not when he and Joel were on bad terms, and Joel pushed him away to silence him. I have asked myself what I would have had him do instead. Should he have stood aside and allow a man who was wishing for his wife’s death to be allowed to be near her? Allow him to continue his tirade?”
“Your honour…” Nathanial half rises, but the judge waves him back into his seat.
“He pushed him away one time and I thank God he did, and if that is a crime then I don’t understand the word."
The silence in the room is a living thing.
"One last question, Mrs Miller." James says quietly. "Do you love your husband?"
You look back at Joel, his face wet.
"With my whole heart," you reply. "More than I’ve loved anything in all my life. I didn’t expect it, but I have it, and I mean to keep it, and I would marry him all over again for the privilege of keeping it. Joel is a good man, good clear through. And he pushed a man away to stop him when he wished me dead. That man did not succeed, and I would like very much to be able to go home with my husband and live the rest of our lives as God intended."
"Thank you, Mrs Miller." James turns, something in his face that’s near to triumph held hard in check. "Your witness."
Nathanial rises because he has to, but you can see in his face that he knows what the room has become, and he comes at you carefully, almost gently, because a man who bullies a beloved wife is a man who loses his case in a breath, and he’s not a fool.
"Mrs Miller, do you accept that Reverend Sawyer, whatever his manner, came to your home that day believing he did right? That he came to pray and not to harm?”
"I'll accept that may have been part of his intention,” you reply. “But a man may do great harm believing he does right."
"Indeed. But you are the defendant's wife and, much like Mr Rodrigues, you have every reason in the world to colour this in his favour."
"I have every reason in the world to love him, Mr Dean, which is a different thing. I’ve sworn on the Bible to tell the truth, and the truth is in his favour. If the truth ran against him, I should be sitting here far more wretched than I am, but I should still be bound to tell it. The truth is that he did the right thing and I'm sorry that's inconvenient to your case."
Soft laughter rings through the room. Nathanial colours and you see him decide to cut his losses.
"Was the Reverend armed, Mrs Miller?"
"He was armed with his voice and his attitude,” you say stiffly. “My husband disarmed the only weapon in that yard that afternoon, and it was not a gun, and he did it with one action and here I sit."
He looks at you for a long moment. “Forgive the impertinent question, Mrs Miller, but is your marriage legally consummated? Have you and Mr Miller shared intimate relations?”
Gasps ring around the room and Judge Pryor’s eyebrows raise, but given you’ve been bracing for this all along, you meet the lawyer’s gaze with a steely one of your own.
“Yes, happily and frequently.”
The laughter is louder this time and Judge Pryor raps on his block. “Any further questions Mr Dean?”
Nathanial pauses and shakes his head. “No, your honour – none.”
“You may step down, Mrs Miller,” the judge says and you rise and manage to make your way back to your seat, Joel’s eyes following you. When you sit down, you look over at him and smile.
James rises and rests his case, shaking his head when the judge asks if Joel intends to testify. Nathanial then does his best to sum up, speaking of the sanctity of a minister's person, of the danger of every man deciding for himself when a blow is justified, of the rule of law that must not bend even to a husband's love. It’s a competent speech and it falls into the hot room like a stone into a well and raises no echo, because the room has already made up its mind and the lawyer’s own weary voice half knows it.
Then James sums up for Joel, briefly, because he’s too good a lawyer to gild what you’ve already laid before them.
"Your honour, you've heard witnesses to the deed, and they don't disagree in any particular that matters. We have a sick woman, at the crisis of a deadly fever. We have a man who came, however he meant it, and told her husband that she would die, a man who knew the impact those words would have. And we have a husband, a man who had lost his first wife already and, in the half-second the law and God gives a man to defend his own, grabbed the Reverend and pushed him away. One time. And then he stood down, told the Reverend to go, and went straight back to his wife."
He takes a breath.
"The law does not require a man to stand with his arms folded while another man threatens the health of his wife. The law calls that the defence of habitation and the defence of conjugal estate – and it does not hang a man, nor jail him, nor brand him a criminal, for striking one blow in that defence, using the least force the moment allowed. You heard Mrs Miller. She will not wish her husband had done otherwise and neither, I think, will you. Joel Miller defended his wife's life. That is no crime in Texas, nor anywhere men have wives they love. Send him home to her. Send him home to that little girl. That's all I ask, because it's all that's right."
He sits back down and claps his hand briefly on Joel’s shoulder.
Judge Pryor takes off his spectacles, looks out once more across the room and then does a thing that makes James go very still with hope and makes your heart climb into your throat.
"I'm not going to trouble everyone by leaving the room. I have been on this bench for many years and. I know an attempted murder case, and I know a defence of conjugal estate when they're laid before me plain, and this one has been laid before me as plain as any I've heard. There's no dispute in the facts worth the name and they tell it the same.”
He picks up his hammer.
"The law of this state does not require a husband to suffer another man to imperil his wife's life in his own yard. He may meet it with such force as the moment fairly demands, and no more. Joel Miller grabbed Reverend Sawyer pushed him away and stood down the instant the threat was past. That is not the act of a brawler nor a beast. That is the least a man could do and still call himself a husband. I find that Joel Miller was provoked – grievously provoked – by the conduct of Reverend Sawyer, and that in striking him he acted in the lawful defence of his wife and his household, using no more force than that defence required."
The hammer comes up.
"I have also read the letter from the town council and the many testimonials to Mr Miller’s character and I therefore find the defendant not guilty. And I'll say further, for the record and for this whole county to carry home, that in my judgment Joel Miller did nothing that afternoon but what any decent man in this room would have done and been right to do.”
His eyes move to where the Reverend sits near the back of the room. “You should be ashamed of yourself, sir, a man of the cloth.” Then his gaze moves to Joel. "You're free to go, Mr Miller. Take your wife home."
The hammer comes down and the room comes apart.
It breaks into a great roar – not the ugly buzzing of the morning but something else, a swell of noise with cheering in it, men on their feet, hats going up, and you don’t hear the half of it because you’re already up out of your seat and Joel is already up out of his and neither of you give one thought to the crowd or the judge or the whole watching county.
He meets you in the open space, catching you up into him so hard your feet leave the floor, both his arms crushing you against him, his face buried in your hair. You wind your arms around his neck and hold on as you both weep, past caring, and the county can watch and be damned.
"Darlin’…" His voice breaks against your hair. "I’m comin’ home, darlin’…”
"You're coming home." You draw back enough to take his wet face in both your hands, laughing and weeping at once. "You're coming home, Joel. We’re walking out of that door together. "
"And we have the rest of our lives together,” he says, wrecked and laughing as he presses his forehead to yours. "Sarah…we have to get Sarah."
“She’s with my father. We can go straight there. Oh Joel, she’ll be so happy!”
Suddenly remembering yourself, you pull away and turn back to where James is gathering his papers. “Thank you!” You throw yourself into his arms. “Thank you so much!”
“You’re very welcome,” he laughs in response as you pull back. “Please take this in the way it is intended, but I hope never to see you again.”
You laugh as Joel extends his hand. “I can never repay you, sir.”
“You can indeed by living well,” James replies, shaking Joel’s hand heartily. “Now, I would wager that your daughter will be eagerly waiting for you. You should go to her.”
Taking Joel’s hand in yours, you begin making your way to the entrance to the hotel – or at least trying to. Joel is swarmed by townsfolk, clapping him on the back and offering words of delight at the verdict. You smile at them, but inside you can’t help but feel the sting of irony for all those who had previously whispered and stared.
Tomás steps in front of you, parting the crowds and leading you back out into the hot afternoon sun. “I will fetch the wagon,” he says.
Joel nods. “Thank you, Tomás – for everythin’.”
“Si patron, it is my pleasure.”
The journey along the boardwalk to the mercantile feels far longer than it is, and when you open the door and Joel steps inside, you see Sarah at the counter, drawing with your father, her face lighting up in delight.
“Pa!”
She jumps down and runs to him, Joel catching her out of the air as she flings herself into his arms. He gathers her up against his chest, buries his wet face in her hair, and you go down onto your knees beside them, wrapping your arms around the both of them at once. And the three of you kneel there on the floor tangled together, the hard bright afternoon light coming slanting gold through the open windows across the three of you on the floor.
“You’re coming home, Pa,” Sarah sobs, “you’re coming home…”
“I’m comin’ home, babygirl,” Joel says. “I’m comin’ home and I’ve never leavin’ either of you ever again as long as I live.”
Rising, you allow your own father to pull you into his embrace, feeling his body shake against yours. “I’m so glad, my love, I’m so glad…”
“Pa…” Sarah pulls back. “Now that you’re coming home – can I have a baby sister?”
Joel laughs, wipes away the tears from under her eyes and then glances up at you, gaze full of love. “We’ll see, babygirl, we’ll see.”
Plot summary: In 1870s Texas, Joel Miller loses his wife and son in childbirth, leaving him to raise his five year old daughter Sarah alone. Faced with losing her to his wife's grieving parents, or being forced into marrying her younger sister, he turns to you - the town's thirty-something spinster - and asks for your hand in a marriage of convenience.
Chapter summary: The court case draws to a conclusion.
Warnings: 18+only.
A/N: A few people reached out to me about this story today! Enjoy the update. I’m thinking probably one more chapter to round things off 🥰
Masterlist
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The court sits again at twelve o'clock, just as Judge Pryor ordered.
The recess has done nothing to thin the crowd – if anything the dining room of the hotel is fuller than before, the county having gone out only to trade the morning's sensation mouth to mouth on the boardwalk and come crowding back for the afternoon of it. The heat has built and the open windows give no relief. The air hangs thick with dust and sweat and the low drone of a hundred voices, and it all falls to a hush and a scrape of chairs when the side door opens, and Hayes brings Joel back in.
He walks in straighter than he left and you recognise that the time has steadied him – that what you said to him has gone in and taken hold – and his eyes come to the front row first thing and find you there. He nods, then sits beside James, turning his chair the few degrees that lets him keep you at the edge of his sight.
"All rise for the Honourable Judge Amos Pryor."
The room stands, scrapes and settles as Judge Pryor resumes his seat. He looks out over the sea of spectators and raps his block once for the form of it.
"I’d like to remind everyone that we're here on the charge against Joel Miller – the attempted murder of Reverend Eziekiel Sawyer. That is the charge before this court. That, and nothing else. I’ll remind you all that the rumour the Reverend flung out this morning – of some killing years past, unnamed, unproven, never charged – is not evidence. We're here on one question and one question only. Did Joel Miller strike Reverend Sawyer, attempting to murder him, and if he did, was he in law justified?”
He shuffles his papers.
“Mr Dean, do you have any further witnesses?”
“No, your honour,” the prosecution lawyer replies.
The judge pauses. “You don’t intend to call the man who witnessed the alleged assault?”
“No.”
“Fine,” he makes a face. “Mr Oliver?”
"The defence calls Tomás Rodrigues."
You sense movement behind you and half turn to see Tomás making his way down the aisle to the front of the room. He goes to the witness chair, places his hand on the Bible and swears the oath, then settles himself in the seat, offering a nod to Joel as he does so.
"Can you please state your name for the court," James asks.
"Tomás Rodrigues.”
“And are you in Mr Miller’s employ?”
“Yes,” Tomás nods. “Have been for more than five years.”
“Is Mr Miller a good employer?”
“Yes,” Tomás smiles softly. “The best and kindest I have ever worked for. I am proud to call him my employer.”
James nods. "You were present at the Miller ranch the day Reverend Sawyer came out, weren’t you? The day of this alleged assault?"
"I was and I saw the whole of it, start to finish. Mrs Miller was sick with the fever and Joel – Mr Miller – was beside himself. He lost his first wife, had just found love again and was terrified he was going to lose her. He sat with her the whole time, just holding her hand and praying.”
"And then,” James says, “the Reverend arrived.”
“Yes,” Tomás nods, his tone turning contemptuous. “He came in his wagon, announced. Nobody sent for him. Mr Miller met him in the yard.”
“And could you hear what was said?”
“Yes, I came out of the barn. The Reverend said he had come to offer a prayer for Mrs Miller. Mr Miller asked him to leave.”
“Do you know why?”
“Mr Miller and the Reverend were not on good terms since the death of Mr Miller’s first wife, the Reverend’s daughter. The Reverend had tried to claim that Mr Miller was not a fit man to care for…”
“Objection, hearsay!” Mr Dean leaps to his feet.
Judge Pryor sighs heavily. “Sustained. Mr Rodrigues, please confine yourself to that which you personally witnessed.”
“What happened next?” James asks quickly.
“The Reverend was unkind about Mrs Miller. He said that she was weak and would likely die. He said that it would be the Lord’s will and that his younger daughter would then be best placed to become Mr Miller’s wife.”
A ripple goes around the room.
“Mr Miller took hold of him, told him to leave and pushed him away.”
“And did you step in?”
“At that point, yes. To ensure Mr Miller’s own safety. Then the Reverend got back into his wagon and left.”
"Thank you,” James says, moving back to the table. “Your witness.”
“Was Mr Miller angry, Mr Rodrigues?” Nathanial asks, rising from his chair.
“He was angry at the Reverend’s words, yes.”
“Angry enough to try and kill him?”
“No,” Tomás says firmly. “Mr Miller would not have done that.”
“But he laid hands on the Reverend – an unarmed man of God.”
“Yes, in defence of his family. You would have done the same.”
“It’s not a matter of what I would have done,” Nathanial replies. “But you are Mr Miller’s trusted employee.”
“Yes.”
“And you depend on him for your livelihood.”
Tomás pauses, “Yes.”
“Then, there is every reason for you to come in here and tell a tale that best fits the narrative that Mr Oliver wants – to make Mr Miller seem less culpable than he is.”
Tomás’s face goes red. “I am no liar, sir. As God is my witness.”
Nathanial moves back to the table. “Nothing further.”
“Mr Oliver?” Judge Pryor peers over his spectacles.
James squares his papers on the defence table and turns to look at you.
"Your honour, the defence calls Mrs Miller."
You inhale deeply then rise smoothly and walk forward to the witness chair with your chin up and your eyes forwards. Passing the defence table you don’t let yourself look at Joel, because you know that if you look at him too soon you won’t be able to do what you’ve come up here to do.
You take the witness chair, swear on the Bible then sit, smooth your skirt over your knees, look at James and wait.
"Mrs Miller," James says gently. "You are the wife of the defendant."
"I am."
"And you are the woman who lay sick with the fever on the day Reverend Sawyer came to the Miller ranch."
"I am.”
"Mrs Miller, tell the court about your husband.”
You look at Joel, watching you from the defence table with his whole heart naked in his eyes, and the sight of him there undoes something in you, forcing you to breathe once before you can go on. And when you go on you speak to him, not to James or the room, though every spectator there hangs on every word.
"When I married Joel, it wasn’t for love. I'll be honest before God and this room when I say that. I had known him, known his late wife and how much he loved her. I had seen the devastation he suffered after her death. Here he was, a widower with a good ranch and a motherless girl who needed a wife to keep his house and help him raise his child. I also knew that the Reverend, his own father-in-law, had threatened to take Sarah from him and understood that him having a wife would be an advantage were any court proceedings ever to be raised. That’s how it began, and I'll not dress it prettier than it was."
You lace your fingers tight in your lap.
“Joel was…a broken man and I knew my task was to keep things in order and I did that, as best I could for several months. I watched him work the land and love his daughter and grieve his wife and I knew what a good, kind man he was. And then, one day, things changed between us.”
“In what way?”
“We became closer over time until…well until we realised that we cared about one another more than our original arrangement intended us to.”
You take a breath.
“When I became ill, Joel cared for me. He sat with me, night and day, and prayed for my recovery. I know that he was terrified to lose me, just as he had lost Tess. And I know that when the Reverend told him that I would die…”
Tears form in your eyes.
“I can only imagine how that must have felt. The Reverend had no business on our land that day, not when he and Joel were on bad terms, and Joel pushed him away to silence him. I have asked myself what I would have had him do instead. Should he have stood aside and allow a man who was wishing for his wife’s death to be allowed to be near her? Allow him to continue his tirade?”
“Your honour…” Nathanial half rises, but the judge waves him back into his seat.
“He pushed him away one time and I thank God he did, and if that is a crime then I don’t understand the word."
The silence in the room is a living thing.
"One last question, Mrs Miller." James says quietly. "Do you love your husband?"
You look back at Joel, his face wet.
"With my whole heart," you reply. "More than I’ve loved anything in all my life. I didn’t expect it, but I have it, and I mean to keep it, and I would marry him all over again for the privilege of keeping it. Joel is a good man, good clear through. And he pushed a man away to stop him when he wished me dead. That man did not succeed, and I would like very much to be able to go home with my husband and live the rest of our lives as God intended."
"Thank you, Mrs Miller." James turns, something in his face that’s near to triumph held hard in check. "Your witness."
Nathanial rises because he has to, but you can see in his face that he knows what the room has become, and he comes at you carefully, almost gently, because a man who bullies a beloved wife is a man who loses his case in a breath, and he’s not a fool.
"Mrs Miller, do you accept that Reverend Sawyer, whatever his manner, came to your home that day believing he did right? That he came to pray and not to harm?”
"I'll accept that may have been part of his intention,” you reply. “But a man may do great harm believing he does right."
"Indeed. But you are the defendant's wife and, much like Mr Rodrigues, you have every reason in the world to colour this in his favour."
"I have every reason in the world to love him, Mr Dean, which is a different thing. I’ve sworn on the Bible to tell the truth, and the truth is in his favour. If the truth ran against him, I should be sitting here far more wretched than I am, but I should still be bound to tell it. The truth is that he did the right thing and I'm sorry that's inconvenient to your case."
Soft laughter rings through the room. Nathanial colours and you see him decide to cut his losses.
"Was the Reverend armed, Mrs Miller?"
"He was armed with his voice and his attitude,” you say stiffly. “My husband disarmed the only weapon in that yard that afternoon, and it was not a gun, and he did it with one action and here I sit."
He looks at you for a long moment. “Forgive the impertinent question, Mrs Miller, but is your marriage legally consummated? Have you and Mr Miller shared intimate relations?”
Gasps ring around the room and Judge Pryor’s eyebrows raise, but given you’ve been bracing for this all along, you meet the lawyer’s gaze with a steely one of your own.
“Yes, happily and frequently.”
The laughter is louder this time and Judge Pryor raps on his block. “Any further questions Mr Dean?”
Nathanial pauses and shakes his head. “No, your honour – none.”
“You may step down, Mrs Miller,” the judge says and you rise and manage to make your way back to your seat, Joel’s eyes following you. When you sit down, you look over at him and smile.
James rises and rests his case, shaking his head when the judge asks if Joel intends to testify. Nathanial then does his best to sum up, speaking of the sanctity of a minister's person, of the danger of every man deciding for himself when a blow is justified, of the rule of law that must not bend even to a husband's love. It’s a competent speech and it falls into the hot room like a stone into a well and raises no echo, because the room has already made up its mind and the lawyer’s own weary voice half knows it.
Then James sums up for Joel, briefly, because he’s too good a lawyer to gild what you’ve already laid before them.
"Your honour, you've heard witnesses to the deed, and they don't disagree in any particular that matters. We have a sick woman, at the crisis of a deadly fever. We have a man who came, however he meant it, and told her husband that she would die, a man who knew the impact those words would have. And we have a husband, a man who had lost his first wife already and, in the half-second the law and God gives a man to defend his own, grabbed the Reverend and pushed him away. One time. And then he stood down, told the Reverend to go, and went straight back to his wife."
He takes a breath.
"The law does not require a man to stand with his arms folded while another man threatens the health of his wife. The law calls that the defence of habitation and the defence of conjugal estate – and it does not hang a man, nor jail him, nor brand him a criminal, for striking one blow in that defence, using the least force the moment allowed. You heard Mrs Miller. She will not wish her husband had done otherwise and neither, I think, will you. Joel Miller defended his wife's life. That is no crime in Texas, nor anywhere men have wives they love. Send him home to her. Send him home to that little girl. That's all I ask, because it's all that's right."
He sits back down and claps his hand briefly on Joel’s shoulder.
Judge Pryor takes off his spectacles, looks out once more across the room and then does a thing that makes James go very still with hope and makes your heart climb into your throat.
"I'm not going to trouble everyone by leaving the room. I have been on this bench for many years and. I know an attempted murder case, and I know a defence of conjugal estate when they're laid before me plain, and this one has been laid before me as plain as any I've heard. There's no dispute in the facts worth the name and they tell it the same.”
He picks up his hammer.
"The law of this state does not require a husband to suffer another man to imperil his wife's life in his own yard. He may meet it with such force as the moment fairly demands, and no more. Joel Miller grabbed Reverend Sawyer pushed him away and stood down the instant the threat was past. That is not the act of a brawler nor a beast. That is the least a man could do and still call himself a husband. I find that Joel Miller was provoked – grievously provoked – by the conduct of Reverend Sawyer, and that in striking him he acted in the lawful defence of his wife and his household, using no more force than that defence required."
The hammer comes up.
"I have also read the letter from the town council and the many testimonials to Mr Miller’s character and I therefore find the defendant not guilty. And I'll say further, for the record and for this whole county to carry home, that in my judgment Joel Miller did nothing that afternoon but what any decent man in this room would have done and been right to do.”
His eyes move to where the Reverend sits near the back of the room. “You should be ashamed of yourself, sir, a man of the cloth.” Then his gaze moves to Joel. "You're free to go, Mr Miller. Take your wife home."
The hammer comes down and the room comes apart.
It breaks into a great roar – not the ugly buzzing of the morning but something else, a swell of noise with cheering in it, men on their feet, hats going up, and you don’t hear the half of it because you’re already up out of your seat and Joel is already up out of his and neither of you give one thought to the crowd or the judge or the whole watching county.
He meets you in the open space, catching you up into him so hard your feet leave the floor, both his arms crushing you against him, his face buried in your hair. You wind your arms around his neck and hold on as you both weep, past caring, and the county can watch and be damned.
"Darlin’…" His voice breaks against your hair. "I’m comin’ home, darlin’…”
"You're coming home." You draw back enough to take his wet face in both your hands, laughing and weeping at once. "You're coming home, Joel. We’re walking out of that door together. "
"And we have the rest of our lives together,” he says, wrecked and laughing as he presses his forehead to yours. "Sarah…we have to get Sarah."
“She’s with my father. We can go straight there. Oh Joel, she’ll be so happy!”
Suddenly remembering yourself, you pull away and turn back to where James is gathering his papers. “Thank you!” You throw yourself into his arms. “Thank you so much!”
“You’re very welcome,” he laughs in response as you pull back. “Please take this in the way it is intended, but I hope never to see you again.”
You laugh as Joel extends his hand. “I can never repay you, sir.”
“You can indeed by living well,” James replies, shaking Joel’s hand heartily. “Now, I would wager that your daughter will be eagerly waiting for you. You should go to her.”
Taking Joel’s hand in yours, you begin making your way to the entrance to the hotel – or at least trying to. Joel is swarmed by townsfolk, clapping him on the back and offering words of delight at the verdict. You smile at them, but inside you can’t help but feel the sting of irony for all those who had previously whispered and stared.
Tomás steps in front of you, parting the crowds and leading you back out into the hot afternoon sun. “I will fetch the wagon,” he says.
Joel nods. “Thank you, Tomás – for everythin’.”
“Si patron, it is my pleasure.”
The journey along the boardwalk to the mercantile feels far longer than it is, and when you open the door and Joel steps inside, you see Sarah at the counter, drawing with your father, her face lighting up in delight.
“Pa!”
She jumps down and runs to him, Joel catching her out of the air as she flings herself into his arms. He gathers her up against his chest, buries his wet face in her hair, and you go down onto your knees beside them, wrapping your arms around the both of them at once. And the three of you kneel there on the floor tangled together, the hard bright afternoon light coming slanting gold through the open windows across the three of you on the floor.
“You’re coming home, Pa,” Sarah sobs, “you’re coming home…”
“I’m comin’ home, babygirl,” Joel says. “I’m comin’ home and I’ve never leavin’ either of you ever again as long as I live.”
Rising, you allow your own father to pull you into his embrace, feeling his body shake against yours. “I’m so glad, my love, I’m so glad…”
“Pa…” Sarah pulls back. “Now that you’re coming home – can I have a baby sister?”
Joel laughs, wipes away the tears from under her eyes and then glances up at you, gaze full of love. “We’ll see, babygirl, we’ll see.”
You recently posted a poll about when to post your new chapters and I just want you to know I truly am just happy to have access to your writing!
I’m going through a really, really rough time right now. Things are very dark with my teenager and every day is just bracing for impact. I’ve deleted all my social media and am taking leave from work I can’t really focus on anything but her.
But about once a day I log into this app for an escape. And when I see a new chapter of any of your works I immediately feel lighter. For the 15-20 mins I’m reading I am excited and happy and tingly. Things I am not feeling very frequently right now.
So you post whenever and however often works. I’m just grateful for the gift.
Oh my gosh, this is such a lovely, heartfelt comment that makes me tear up 😭
I’m so honoured that you feel that way about my stories. I feel like I’ve lived in a fantasy world all my life so completely resonate with how reading can make you feel. I just hope people don’t think they see too much of me popping up 😂🫣
I’m also so sorry that you’re going through a hard time and I’m sending all my love to you and your daughter. Being a parent is tough!
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Thanks everyone who voted. There’s a clear winner! I think there are pros and cons to this approach.
Pros: I can update as and when I want. If I’ve had a good run and written a few chapters I can update every few days or so. That feeds my need for people to read my work and feeds those eager to read it!
Cons: Readers don’t know when the next update is coming.
Plot summary: Your husband’s missing, presumed dead, and you’re falling in love with Joel.
Chapter summary: Christmas Day is awkward, especially when things break between you and Joel.
Warnings: 18+only.
A/N: This chapter turned out longer than I intended but I couldn’t think of a good spot to split it, so enjoy 🥰
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25 December 2026
The snow hasn’t let up, the whole town muffled into a hush, as you walk the shovelled path to Tommy and Maria's with Matt's hand light at the small of your back, Dylan scuffing his feet and a decision sitting in your chest like a swallowed stone.
You've made it. That’s the thing you carry up the path in the falling snow, heavier than the covered dish in your hands, heavier than anything – you've made your choice, finally. You've chosen Matt, chosen Dylan, chosen the family you built, and the shape of a life that lets your son grow up whole.
You’ll end things with Joel, all the way, for good, soon. And the soon of it sits in you like something you've already swallowed and can’t bring back up. You’ll give your son his father and his family and his whole world, and you’ll learn, over years, to fold the rest of yourself away where it won’t show. And all you have to do is get through Christmas dinner first, seated three feet from the man you've chosen to give up.
Dylan pounds on the door hollering Christmas greetings and it swings open into light, heat and the smell of roast and cinnamon. Maria's arms pull all of you in out of the cold, and suddenly there’s no more time to brace for anything.
Joel’s already there, standing near the hearth with a glass in his hand when the three of you come stamping in, and you feel him before you see him, that awful radar you've never asked for. You make yourself not look as you take your coat off, and across the warm room you feel him not-look at you with the same ferocious care, and the whole bright Christmas room goes instantly, silently, unbearably tight.
You agonised over what to wear today, finally eschewing your collection of worn jeans, shirts and sweaters in favour of a simple plaid dress that you found in a bag at the shop one day, blue and green, with a scooped neckline and a hem that sits mid-thigh. You chose it because it’s Christmas and, for one day, you want to feel a little more special. But you’d be lying if you said you hadn’t also chosen it for the way you know it skims your frame and flatters your chest. And then, almost as an antithesis to that, you made sure to completely straighten your hair – no curling loose ends.
You pass your coat to Maria and feel your stomach churn.
He doesn’t know and that’s the thing that makes it so much worse, that makes the stone in your chest so heavy you can hardly breathe around it. Joel doesn’t know you've chosen. The last thing you said to him, weeks ago, was that it wasn’t goodbye, and then the weeks have gone by in the terrible patient way he’s honoured your space, waiting, never pushing, still thinking that there’s a road open to him.
He's come to this dinner not knowing that somewhere in you the road is blocked, that you've chosen the other man, that he's already lost and just doesn’t know it yet. And you’re going to have to sit and smile, pass the potatoes, and let him keep his hope one more evening because you’re too much of a coward to take it from him at Christmas.
Maria notices because she notices everything. Something flickers across her face as she takes in you and Matt and Joel by the fire and the way nobody’s looking at anybody whilst Dylan bounds off to find Ellie. She covers it smoothly with warm hostess chatter and the afternoon folds over the top of the tension the way water folds over a stone.
You watch Matt shake Joel's hand – something you’ll remember as long as you live. Your husband and the man you’re going to give up, clasping hands in the Christmas light with the whole unbearable truth standing invisible between them. There’s something different in Matt tonight, something steadier, and it’s in the set of his shoulders and the firmness of his grip. A man who's been told he's won and is trying not to show it in front of the man who's lost. Joel takes the handshake, meets it and doesn’t flinch, some silent conversation passing between them that you can’t hear and don’t need to.
Except that this time you know something Joel doesn’t, and it makes watching it almost more than you can stand.
“Hey, Merry Christmas!” Tommy says, bounding over and kissing you on the cheek before divesting you of the dish.
Then he hands round the whisky with a rough joviality that’s working a little too hard, and Maria moves through it all like a woman conducting an orchestra where half the players are on fire, keeping the surface bright, keeping the kids fed with pre-dinner cookies and talking about the weather and the horses and the state of the greenhouses.
“Better with no busted locks, huh?” Dylan jokes at one point, ducking out of the way with a grin when she makes to swipe at him with a tea towel.
And through all of it you don’t look at Joel and Joel doesn’t look at you and the not looking is so total and so effortful that it becomes its own kind of shouting.
You can’t help but catch him once. You turn to answer something Ellie asks you and the turn carries your eyes across the room by accident, and there he is, already looking, because he's been fighting the same losing battle you have. For one half-second your eyes meet full-on across the firelit room before you both tear away – and in that half-second you see everything in his face, the whole three weeks of it. The love and the want and the patient hope and the sheer starved gladness of just being in a room with you at Christmas which goes through you like a blade, because you know what you’re carrying. You know the door has already shut, know that face is hoping for a thing you've already decided to deny it, and you reach for your whisky, drink too fast, blink hard and say something bright to Ellie in response.
When dinner’s finally called, it’s worse.
Maria’s made an occasion of it – candles down the table, the roast that must have taken a hell of a trade, greenery, the mismatched good plates, Ellie, Dylan and Benji at one end, happy and loud in their own ways, and the five adults ranged down the rest. The seating puts you across the table and one place down from Joel, so that the natural resting place for your eyes, every time you lift them from your plate, is his face, and the natural resting place for his, every time he lifts his, is yours. And the two of you spend the whole, long meal in an exhausting elaborate choreography of not looking, staring at your food, at the candle flames, at Dylan, at Maria, at the salt, at anything and everything but the one place on the whole earth your eyes want to go.
Matt sits beside you, close, warm and easy. Every so often his hand finds your knee under the table, or he’ll lean to murmur something in your ear, some small, ordinary, marital intimacy. You murmur back and lean into it because you've chosen it, and it should feel like relief, but instead every one of those small, warm, marital touches is a fresh small knife. You can feel Joel across the table clocking them, feel him watching Matt's hand find your knee, watching you lean into your husband's murmur, and you know what it’s doing to him, know he’s sitting there reading the body language of a woman who's made her choice and hasn't told him yet. And you can’t stop Matt's hand and you can’t tell Joel, and so you just have to sit inside it, the two men on either side of your attention, the one you've chosen touching your knee and the one you're giving up watching him do it.
"This roast is incredible,” Matt says to Maria at one point. "I don't know how you did it, I truly don't."
"Tommy traded three days' labour for that cut," Maria says dryly, "so enjoy it, it near bankrupted us.”
Everyone laughs, the surface holds, and under the table Matt's thumb moves on your knee. Across the table Joel picks up his water glass and sets it down again without drinking, and you watch his hand do it, think about that hand and have to look at the candle.
"Hey Joel," Dylan says suddenly, obliviously. “When can we go back out on patrol?
The whole table's easy attention swings, casually and warmly, toward Joel and you feel the heat start up your neck before Joel’s even opened his mouth.
“You wanna go back out there?” he asks, his voice steady. But you hear under it, because you've learned his voice.
“Of course!” Dylan grins. “Who knows who else we might find out there? Me and Ellie reckon we ought to start some sort of group – the Finders gang, or something. We could make it part of the patrol to search for lost loved ones.”
“Dylan…” Matt says softly.
“What?” Dylan’s gaze swings to his father. “We found you, didn’t we?”
“Reckon that was more by luck than anything else.”
“Still.”
You glance at Ellie and realise she’s looking at you with an expression that you’ve seen from her before in recent times and yet still can’t quite read. Then she looks at Dylan and grins in solidarity.
“Me and the D-Dog, bringing ‘em home.”
“You both did good out there,” Joel says softly. “I’ll take you out again whenever you want.”
He looks at Dylan and smiles a real smile, warm and helpless. Because whatever else is true in the whole impossible mess, Joel cares about him and has been, in every way that matters, the closest thing to a father. And that’s its own separate grief threaded through all the rest, one you haven’t even let yourself look at squarely. That choosing Matt doesn’t only take Joel from you, it takes Joel from Dylan too, quietly, over time, the way these things go.
“Yeeeeessss!” Dylan says, high-fiving Ellie.
“Maybe I could train for patrol,” Matt says suddenly and your entire body goes cold. “What do you say, Dylan? Joel could train me too and then the two of us could go out there. Maybe even the three of us if Mom feels up to it,” he adds, squeezing your knee again.
“Really?” Dylan looks from his father to you to Joel and then back again. “That would be awesome! Joel?”
Everyone swings to look at Joel again and when you brave a glance, you see that his eyes are still on Dylan.
“Sure,” he says, tightly. “We could do that. Your dad’s a fighter and we need all the good people we can get.”
Matt nods happily at Dylan as though that settles it. But he doesn’t look at Joel and Joel doesn’t look at him and you look at your plate, and think, with a kind of despair, that even the choice you've made, the clean right choice, isn’t going to be clean at all. That it’s going to have roots to tear up for years.
Maria chooses that exact moment to stand and announce the serving of the pie, the spell scatters, and you could weep with gratitude.
You get through the pie, through Tommy standing, gruff and unexpectedly moved, glass raised, to toast the ones who made it home this year – lifting the whisky toward Matt – and everyone drinks to it, including you, and means it. God help you, you do mean it. You’re glad he’s alive, and you don’t look at Joel, who’s also lifting his glass, also drinking to the return of the very man who's taken you away, and you can’t imagine what it tastes like, drinking to his own defeat at his brother's Christmas table.
You get through Dylan and Ellie spiriting Benji away to the other room to play and the loosening later phase of the evening, the adults migrating to the fire, the whisky going round again, the talk going soft and slow. You get through Matt, warm and easy and reclaimed, sitting close to you on the couch with his arm along the back of it behind your shoulders, a man settling back into a marriage he's been told is his again.
"I’ll go check on the kids,” he says at one point, before squeezing your shoulder, getting up and heading into the other room where there’s some sort of raucous game being played. Tommy, Maria and Joel are deep in conversation and you – needing air, needing a task, needing not to sit alone by the fire feeling Joel across the room a moment longer – get up, gather a stack of dessert plates and carry them through to the kitchen.
The kitchen is empty and warm, the window over the basin full of falling snow, and you set the plates down by the sink, roll up your sleeves, run the water hot and let out a long breath, alone at last. You think, standing there with your hands going into the hot water, that you've nearly made it, you've nearly gotten through the whole terrible evening and that in an hour or so, you'll be walking home through the snow with your chosen family with this behind you and you'll only have the telling of him left to dread.
Then the kitchen door swings open, and Joel comes in with a trayful of dirty glasses.
You go still with your hands in the water and don’t turn around. You both understand at once, in the silence that drops over the kitchen that the choreography has failed. The evening has thrown the two of you together, alone, with everyone else scattered. No one is coming, not for a few minutes at least, and here you are, alone with Joel with three weeks of everything between you and a decision in your chest you haven't told him and can’t bear to tell him and can't bear to keep from him either.
"Figured I should bring these though,” he says, and it’s such a transparent, thin, nothing of a sentence that it almost undoes you.
"Just…set them down there," you manage. "I'll get to them."
He sets the tray down and then he doesn’t leave. You can feel him standing there behind you, and the silence stretches and begins to fill up with everything, all of it crowding into the kitchen at once until the air is so thick you can hardly draw it into your lungs.
Tell him, you think. Tell him now and get it over with.
You've decided and you owe him the truth. You should do the brave thing, the clean thing, and tell him now while you're alone and be done with it.
You turn around, half-meaning to, your mouth already opening around the terrible words – and he’s looking at you. He’s looking at you full-on, for the first time all night, the first time for weeks, and it stops the words dead in your throat. You’ve forgotten what it actually does to you to look at Joel straight on with nothing in the way, and the whole weight of the thing you’re about to end crashes into you at once. He’s looking down at you with his whole heart naked in his face, no public mask, no gravel-steady control, just the raw held-back love and hope of a man who's starved and thinks there’s still a fight to win.
"Joel," you say, and your voice comes out wrong, thin and wrecked. "Joel, I have to…there's something I have to tell you, and I don't…God, I don't want to do it here, not at Christmas, but I can't keep…I've…"
You can’t say it. It sticks in your throat like a bone.
"There's something I have to tell you," you say again, helplessly as your eyes fill with tears.
He sees it, reads you the way you read him. He sees the shape of it in your wet eyes and your broken voice and the way you can’t finish, and something crosses his face, some flinch, some dawning, and then…you watch him decide not to let you say it. You watch him step in, closer, fast, before you can get the words out, as though the words unsaid can still be fought. As though he can win if only you don’t finish the sentence.
"No," he says, low and rough. "No, don't. Before you say it, let me…"
He takes your wet hands in both of his and holds them between you. He looks down at them and then up at you, and it costs him, you can see it cost him, this closed-off man doing the hardest thing he knows how to do, wanting out loud where it can be seen and refused.
“I know I promised you space and that I’d never push. But you told me that night that it wasn’t goodbye and yet I’ve seen…I can't stand here and let you say it's done and not fight, not once, not even one time, after these last three weeks. So let me be selfish just this once. I love you. I love you more than anythin’ in this goddamn fucked up world and I wanna be with you. I want you to choose me. Choose a life with me. I'm beggin' you, don't do the thing where you bury yourself alive and call it bein' a good mother, please. Choose me. Choose us.”
And it’s the wrong thing, the selfish thing. The thing that breaks every rule and every promise, the thing that makes a wreck of the clean, brave choice and it goes through you like lightning. Because it’s also the true thing, the thing you've been dying to hear and dying not to hear, and you've built your whole hard-won decision on the belief that it’s settled, that the door is shut, that you've come to the still, cold bottom of it and chosen. And here he is tearing the door back open with his bare hands, wanting you out loud, this man who never asks for anything, begging at Christmas, and every wall you have left simply gives way.
"Joel, you can't…you can't do this,” you breathe. “I decided, I chose. I told Matt I want to stay, that I want to fix it. I have a son and I have to give him his…you can't come in here and…"
Even as you say it your hands are gripping his back, hard, holding on instead of pulling away, and your face streams with tears.
"…it isn't fair, it isn't fair, but I finally decided. I finally got to the bottom of it and chose the right thing, the thing for Dylan, and you…you don't get to…"
You can’t finish that either, because it isn’t true.
"Tell me you don't love me," he says, low and fierce, his forehead dropping toward yours. "Tell me that and I'll let you go. Tell me you don't want me and I'll stand aside and never say another word. I'll be the man across the square you nod to. I'll take Dylan out on patrol and keep my hands to myself until I die. Say that. Say you don't love me and I'll believe you and it's done."
"I can't," you sob, wretched, because you’re done lying and that includes lying to him, cruel as the truth is. "I can't say it, you know I can't. I love you, God, I love you, that was never…that was never the question, Joel, don't you understand? I chose him anyway. I love you and I chose him anyway, because loving you isn't the only thing that's true, because there's my son and because…"
And then he kisses you.
It isn't the crash you've braced for. It’s slow and sweet and aching, his mouth coming down on yours gentle, reverent, both hands moving to cradle your face like something he’s terrified of breaking. You feel the whole three weeks of restraint in it, the whole last two years, all the tenderness he never got to show in daylight poured into one soft desperate kiss.
You move your hands up against his chest to push him away and make a sound of protest into his mouth. You even turn your face a fraction to break the contact, but he follows, gentle and patient, kissing the corner of your mouth, your cheek and your jaw.
“Please,” he murmurs, “please baby…”
Your pushing hands curl slowly into fists in his shirt and pull. Suddenly you’re lost, simply lost, three weeks of famine and a love you've decided to give up and haven't, and you kiss him back and feel him groan low and grateful against your mouth.
"Not in here," you gasp against his lips, and it isn’t no, God help you, it’s the opposite. "Anyone could…Joel, not in here…"
His hand closes around your wrist, and you don’t pull away as he moves you to the door off the far side of the kitchen, the one to the woodshed lean-to, a little dark close space under the eave of the porch roof where the split logs are stacked. You both go, fast and silent, out into the cold black-and-blue dark with the snow ticking down and the muffled warmth of the house pressed against the other side of the wall. The door swings shut behind you, cutting the lamplight to almost nothing.
And then it isn’t fast at all.
That’s the thing that will ruin you to remember. He doesn’t take you against the woodpile in a desperate rush. He backs you up against the inside of the shut door, gently, and kisses you again, slow, in the dark, both hands in your hair now, taking his time like a man who's decided that he’s going to make love to you properly.
His hands move unhurried down your body, learning you again, over your breasts, your waist, gathering your dress in his fists and drawing it up your thighs by degrees. And when he pushes your underwear aside and his fingers find you bare and slick and ready, he groans soft into your mouth, but he doesn’t rush even then. He strokes you slow and gentle, drawing it out, until you’re rocking helplessly against his hand and whimpering into his kiss, until you can’t stand it, until you’re reaching for his belt with shaking hands.
He catches your wrist gently and does it himself, unhurried, freeing himself, and then he hooks one of your thighs up over his hip, lines himself against you and pushes in slow – so slow, so deep, one long unhurried glide all the way to the root that you both have to swallow the sounds of, his forehead dropping to yours in the dark, your fingers digging into his back – and then he stills, buried deep, and just breathes with you a moment, joined, both of you shaking.
"There," he murmurs, wrecked, against your mouth. "God, there. Feel that? Tell me that ain't real."
And then he moves – slow, deep, unhurried rolls of his hips that drag him nearly all the way out and press all the way back in, so deep you feel it everywhere, pinning you gently against the door with every stroke, his hand cradling the back of your head to keep it from knocking the wood, his other arm banded under your thigh to hold you open to him. It’s slow and hot and so deep and so full of love it hurts worse than any rushed thing could have.
Because a quick desperate fuck you could call a mistake – a hunger, a weakness – but this, this slow, tender, thorough lovemaking against a door in the dark…this is a marriage, this is the thing itself, this is the whole life you’re saying no to, given to you once so you'll know exactly what you’re choosing against.
"I love you," he breathes against your mouth between kisses, on every slow deep stroke, "I love you…I love you."
You gasp it back into him, "I love you, Joel, God, I love you," and you have to swallow each other's sounds with your mouths because the house is right there.
He rolls into you slow and deep and endless, and you rise to meet every stroke, your hands mapping his back, his shoulders, his face in the dark, memorising, and it builds slow and unstoppable, a tide instead of a wave, coming up through both of you together.
He reaches between you and strokes your clit in slow circles matched to his hips. “Come with me, baby, let me feel you…”
You tip over the edge together in the dark, silent, clinging, your body clenching around him as he presses deep and shudders and spills into you, both of you shaking apart against the door with your mouths pressed together to muffle the sounds, holding on like the world is ending.
He stays inside you after, holding you up against the door, his face buried in your neck, both of you breathing hard, neither of you moving. And you understand, holding him, that your body and your heart have just told you the whole truth at once, and now you have to walk back into the house and lie about it for the rest of your life.
"I love you," he says again into your neck, quiet now. "I hear what you’re sayin’ and I understand but…don't choose him. We just made love, and you cried and said you loved me the whole way through, and I can't believe the choice is realer than that."
"It has to be," you whisper, voice breaking on every word. "This being real doesn't make the choice not real. They're both real. Don't you think I'd have chosen this in a heartbeat if it were only about what's real between you and me? But it isn’t. It’s about my son who doesn't get a vote and who loves his father and who would spend his whole childhood inside the wreckage of what we'd blow up. And his happiness is realer than this, bigger than this. It has to be, or I'm not a person I can live with being."
You grip his shirt, hard with both fists.
"I chose Matt. I chose Dylan. This…" you press closer, shaking, "…this doesn't undo it. It just makes it cost more. It just proves how much it costs. We can be friends. That’s all I can give you and I’m sorry, I’m so goddamn sorry…”
You push him away from you, pull your dress back down and turn away, slipping back through the door into the kitchen. You go straight to the basin and plunge your hands back into the water that’s now gone lukewarm and press them flat against the bottom of the sink to stop them shaking. Fixing your eyes on the snow outside, you breathe, your whole body still humming with him, still aching sweet and used and full. And you think, dazed and hollow, that you’ve just said goodbye to the great love of your life against a woodpile at Christmas, and that now you only have to walk back into the living room and sit beside the man you've chosen, get through another hour and then you'll be home and this – the worst of it – will be behind you.
You should have known better. You should have felt it coming off him in the dark, in the way he held you, in the way he said choose me like a man who hasn't finished losing and, for once, is prepared to hang on until the bitter end.
Joel comes in the kitchen a minute later, but he doesn’t move past you and doesn’t go back into the living room to be with the others. Instead, he stands behind you, close enough that you can feel the heat radiating from his body.
"I can't do it," he says, his voice full of a kind of grim risen resolve. “I won't. I've spent my whole life standin' back and lettin' things happen to me, lettin' the world take what it wanted and tellin' myself that's just how it goes, that's just bein' decent, that's just survivin'. And I did that with you for three weeks whilst you picked yourself up after him comin’ home. And then tonight I had you in my arms tellin' me you love me and I'll be damned if I stand back one more time and watch the best thing that ever happened to me walk out a door because she decided sufferin' is the same thing as bein' a good mother."
You turn to look at him and see the set of his jaw.
"I ain’t acceptin' it. I'm done acceptin' things. For the first time in longer than I can remember I want somethin', and it's you, and I'm gonna fight for it."
"Joel…"
Your voice shakes, and fear comes up in you fast, because the door to the living room is thirty feet away and your husband is somewhere on the other side of it.
“Keep your voice down, please, you can't…"
"I don't care who hears," he says, not loud, but not lowered either, and it terrifies you worse than shouting would have. "That's the thing. I've been careful around you for so goddamn long. Careful is what got us here – me careful, you careful, everybody so careful nobody ever says the true thing out loud til it's too late to matter. I'm done bein' careful. I'll say it in this kitchen, and I'll say it in that room, and I'll say it in the middle of the square if that's what it takes.”
He takes a breath,
“I love you and I want you and I am not gonna stand here and watch you bury yourself alive next to a man you settled for and call it a gift to your son."
"You don't get to decide that." The fear turns to anger, the only thing big enough to stand against the pull of him. "You don't get to…Joel, this is my life, mine. And Matt's, and Dylan's. You don't get to walk in here and decide you're going to blow it all up because you've decided, all of a sudden, that you're a man who fights now. This isn't yours to fight for. It's mine to decide, and I decided, and you don't get to detonate my whole family because you can't stand losing."
"I don't care,” he says flatly. “I don't care that it's not fair, I don't care that it's not mine to decide, I don't care that it makes me the bad man in the story…I don't care. I care about one thing. I care that you're about to throw your whole life in a hole for the next forty years and tell yourself it's love when it's just fear dressed up in a sacrifice. And I am not gonna stand back and watch you ruin yourself and call my standin'-back decency. Not anymore. I'd rather be the bastard who fought than the decent man who let you drown quiet. So, no. I ain’t respectin' the decision and I ain’t leavin' it alone. I'm gonna fight."
And it’s too much – all of it, the feel of him still warm on your skin and the love roaring up in you and the terror of the room thirty feet away and the plain unbearable fact that some part of you wants him to fight, wants to be fought for, and that wanting is the most dangerous thing in the room – and you can’t stand in it another second. So, you do the only thing left. You turn to walk away, toward the door, toward the living room and your husband and your son and the choice you've made.
He moves at the same time you do, his hand closing around your arm. Not hard, but enough to stop you. You turn back, and for a second you stand there, his hand around your arm, both of you breathing too hard, the whole thing hanging in the air between you like something about to break.
"Let go of me," you say quietly, voice shaking over the words.
"Just listen…"
"Joel, let go, please!"
The kitchen door swings open and Maria comes inside, her eyes taking everything in at a glance – the two of you close, his hand on your arm, your face, his face, the charge in the air – and she crosses the kitchen fast and quiet.
"Let go of her, Joel."
He obeys immediately, his hand dropping away like the arm has gone hot, and Maria steps in close, between you almost, looking from one of you to the other.
"You need to remember where you are, both of you. Dylan and Matt are both in the other room so whatever you’re doing doesn’t happen in my kitchen at Christmas with everybody I love on the other side of that wall, you hear me? You will pull yourselves together and remember where you are."
It’s the thing you need, the cold water of it, the reminder of the room and the world and the walls, and you nod silently. Maria's eyes soften just a fraction as they go over your ruined face and then harden again as they move to Joel.
But Joel doesn’t nod. He doesn’t acquiesce and say it’s alright. Instead, he stands there with his hands loose at his sides and his jaw set.
"I know where I am, Maria,” he says. “I know exactly where I am and I'm done pretendin' I don't want what I want just 'cause of where I'm standin'."
"Joel…" you say and it comes out breaking.
You swallow and gather the last of yourself because Maria’s right, because the walls are thin, and because there’s no other way to end it.
“You need to leave me alone, okay? You need to respect my decision. It’s done, and you need to leave me alone and let me live it. Please, I’m begging you."
He looks at you a long moment, his face terrible – not angry or hard, just open, wrecked and certain all at once.
“I can’t.”
Two words. I can't. Not I won't, but rather I can't, the way you said I can't when he asked you to say you don’t love him, the same helpless bottomless can't. It goes through you like the kiss, and you understand that he means it exactly the way you meant yours, that it’s not a choice he’s making but a truth he’s reporting. That he’s as unable to leave you alone as you've been unable to say you don’t love him, and the symmetry of it is so unbearable that you can’t stand in the room one more second.
You turn to leave and this time he doesn’t grab your arm. He lets you go, and you push through the door into the living room too fast. Ellie, Dylan and Benji are back in the room, everyone looks up, and you know your face is wrong, know it before you've taken two steps, know it in the way the easy talk falters.
Matt stands up, his face moving to something alert and hard in the space of a breath, because he can see your white face and your red-rimmed eyes. Joel follows you seconds later and you watch your husband put it together fast.
"What happened?" Matt asks, his eyes going past you to Joel, and hardening as he takes a step forwards. "Did he…?”
"No…" you say quickly, moving between them. “It's nothing, please don't."
Your voice breaks and you see Matt register that you’re begging him not to talk to Joel and what that begging means – that a wife who has nothing to hide doesn’t beg her husband not to have words with a man who's upset her.
"It's not…we just…it's a hard time of year for everybody. Please, Matt, I don't want a scene, not right now, please. I just want to go home. Can we please just go home?"
He gives you a long look, and you watch him decide, for now, to let it be, to swallow it, to take you home – not because he believes it’s nothing, you can see he doesn’t, but because making it something here, now, would cost too much.
"Okay," he says, gently. “Let’s head home."
“Now?” Dylan protests, looking between you, “but…”
“Dylan doesn’t have to go, right?” Ellie pipes up quickly. “We can go back to mine and listen to some music or shit.”
“Please?” Dylan begs. “It’s still early.”
“Fine,” Matt says before you can reply. “Not too late though.”
Across the room Joel stands by the kitchen door with his jaw set and his eyes on you, not sorry, not backing down, and you can feel it coming off him like heat, the resolve, the refusal. You know this isn’t the end of it, know that walking out this door tonight isn’t walking away from it, isn’t going to leave you alone no matter how you beg, that the fight has only just started and it’s going to burn its way through all of your lives whether you will it or not.
Maria comes out of the kitchen with some wrapped pie and the surface folds back over, thin and bright and false, and you thank her and get your coat on with hands that won’t quite work. You don’t look at Joel, and he doesn’t stop looking at you, and Matt stands close and watchful and doesn’t say the thing that’s building behind his face.
“Thanks Dad,” Dylan says, giving you both an uncharacteristic quick hug. “You can have some alone time.”
You let out a short, strangled laugh, feel your face burn and make for the door.
"Best Christmas ever, right, Mom?"
You pause, turn back, and swallow hard before replying.
"Yeah, honey, best one ever."
It comes out cracked, and you see Matt hear the crack, and Joel close his eyes for a second at the sound of it.
Maria hugs you warmly, Tommy kisses your cheek then claps Matt on the shoulder, too hearty, avoiding both your eyes and Joel’s.
Joel follows you both out onto the porch and he shakes Matt's hand one more time in a very different way from the one proffered and accepted before dinner. Matt's grip is hard and searching, Joel's steady and unrepentant, and it goes on a beat too long before breaking.
"Merry Christmas," Joel says to you softly, and there’s a whole world in it, a whole refusal, a whole I can't.
"Merry Christmas, Joel," you reply, your voice holding by a thread. Then you’re moving down the path in the falling snow with your husband's hand at the small of your back, walking away into the dark.
Behind you, the light of the house spills yellow out onto the snow, and even though you don’t look back, you can feel him standing in the doorway watching you go, feel it between your shoulder blades the whole length of the path. You know, with a cold certainty, that he meant every word of what he said. That a man who's decided, after years of standing back, to want something out loud and fight for it isn’t going to change his mind because you begged him in a kitchen.
That this is a beginning, not an ending, and it’s going to come for all of you.
Matt doesn’t say anything right away. He waits until you’re around the corner, your own home in sight.
"You going to tell me what happened in there?"
You look at his profile, and feel the whole true answer rise up in your throat – we made love and he won’t accept my decision and he told me he’ll fight for me – but then you think about Dylan saying it’s been the best Christmas ever, and you swallow all of it back down.
"Nothing happened.”
It comes out steadier than you have any right to expect, and you hear yourself say it and know that the lie, smooth and quick and protective is part of what you've chosen, is the shape the choice actually takes when it comes down to it. And you understand in that moment with a cold clarity, that choosing the family means choosing to lie to keep it, over and over.
"It was just a long afternoon," you say, softer. “We got to talking about hard things and it got to me, that's all. I'm tired, Matt. I'm just tired.”
“Did you tell him?”
“Mm…that’s why it was hard.”
Matt walks a few steps in silence, and you can’t tell how much of it he believes, or wants to believe, or makes himself believe. Because a man whose been told his wife has chosen him, is a man with a powerful reason to accept nothing happened and will choose to accept it because the alternative is unbearable. You watch him accept it, watch him take the lie, fold it into his coat and decide, tonight at least, that it’s enough.
"Okay," he says, finally. "You did look done in, in there. Came out of that kitchen white as the snow."
He reaches across the space between you, takes your hand and squeezes it. You squeeze back and walk the rest of the way home hand in hand with the man you've chosen, having just lied to him.
At the front door, he stops and turns to look at you again.
"If something had happened with Joel...you'd tell me, wouldn’t you?"
It isn't quite a question and isn’t quite an accusation. It’s a man reaching out one more time in the dark to check the ground under his own feet.
You look at him, with one more chance to stop, to tell the truth, to blow it all open and let it be true – and decide not to take it.
"Of course I would," you say, making yourself meet his eyes. "There's nothing to tell, Matt. I chose you, I meant it, I told Joel and it’s done. Now let's get inside before we both freeze standing here.”
Matt looks at you for a long moment, and then something eases in him, some knot loosens, because he wants so badly to believe you and belief is a thing a hopeful man extends himself out of love.
"Yeah, okay, let’s get in.”
He holds the door open and you step inside, fighting against the thumping of your heart and the terrifying reality that you have no idea what happens now.
Plot summary: Your husband’s missing, presumed dead, and you’re falling in love with Joel.
Chapter summary: Christmas Day is awkward, especially when things break between you and Joel.
Warnings: 18+only.
A/N: This chapter turned out longer than I intended but I couldn’t think of a good spot to split it, so enjoy 🥰
Masterlist
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25 December 2026
The snow hasn’t let up, the whole town muffled into a hush, as you walk the shovelled path to Tommy and Maria's with Matt's hand light at the small of your back, Dylan scuffing his feet and a decision sitting in your chest like a swallowed stone.
You've made it. That’s the thing you carry up the path in the falling snow, heavier than the covered dish in your hands, heavier than anything – you've made your choice, finally. You've chosen Matt, chosen Dylan, chosen the family you built, and the shape of a life that lets your son grow up whole.
You’ll end things with Joel, all the way, for good, soon. And the soon of it sits in you like something you've already swallowed and can’t bring back up. You’ll give your son his father and his family and his whole world, and you’ll learn, over years, to fold the rest of yourself away where it won’t show. And all you have to do is get through Christmas dinner first, seated three feet from the man you've chosen to give up.
Dylan pounds on the door hollering Christmas greetings and it swings open into light, heat and the smell of roast and cinnamon. Maria's arms pull all of you in out of the cold, and suddenly there’s no more time to brace for anything.
Joel’s already there, standing near the hearth with a glass in his hand when the three of you come stamping in, and you feel him before you see him, that awful radar you've never asked for. You make yourself not look as you take your coat off, and across the warm room you feel him not-look at you with the same ferocious care, and the whole bright Christmas room goes instantly, silently, unbearably tight.
You agonised over what to wear today, finally eschewing your collection of worn jeans, shirts and sweaters in favour of a simple plaid dress that you found in a bag at the shop one day, blue and green, with a scooped neckline and a hem that sits mid-thigh. You chose it because it’s Christmas and, for one day, you want to feel a little more special. But you’d be lying if you said you hadn’t also chosen it for the way you know it skims your frame and flatters your chest. And then, almost as an antithesis to that, you made sure to completely straighten your hair – no curling loose ends.
You pass your coat to Maria and feel your stomach churn.
He doesn’t know and that’s the thing that makes it so much worse, that makes the stone in your chest so heavy you can hardly breathe around it. Joel doesn’t know you've chosen. The last thing you said to him, weeks ago, was that it wasn’t goodbye, and then the weeks have gone by in the terrible patient way he’s honoured your space, waiting, never pushing, still thinking that there’s a road open to him.
He's come to this dinner not knowing that somewhere in you the road is blocked, that you've chosen the other man, that he's already lost and just doesn’t know it yet. And you’re going to have to sit and smile, pass the potatoes, and let him keep his hope one more evening because you’re too much of a coward to take it from him at Christmas.
Maria notices because she notices everything. Something flickers across her face as she takes in you and Matt and Joel by the fire and the way nobody’s looking at anybody whilst Dylan bounds off to find Ellie. She covers it smoothly with warm hostess chatter and the afternoon folds over the top of the tension the way water folds over a stone.
You watch Matt shake Joel's hand – something you’ll remember as long as you live. Your husband and the man you’re going to give up, clasping hands in the Christmas light with the whole unbearable truth standing invisible between them. There’s something different in Matt tonight, something steadier, and it’s in the set of his shoulders and the firmness of his grip. A man who's been told he's won and is trying not to show it in front of the man who's lost. Joel takes the handshake, meets it and doesn’t flinch, some silent conversation passing between them that you can’t hear and don’t need to.
Except that this time you know something Joel doesn’t, and it makes watching it almost more than you can stand.
“Hey, Merry Christmas!” Tommy says, bounding over and kissing you on the cheek before divesting you of the dish.
Then he hands round the whisky with a rough joviality that’s working a little too hard, and Maria moves through it all like a woman conducting an orchestra where half the players are on fire, keeping the surface bright, keeping the kids fed with pre-dinner cookies and talking about the weather and the horses and the state of the greenhouses.
“Better with no busted locks, huh?” Dylan jokes at one point, ducking out of the way with a grin when she makes to swipe at him with a tea towel.
And through all of it you don’t look at Joel and Joel doesn’t look at you and the not looking is so total and so effortful that it becomes its own kind of shouting.
You can’t help but catch him once. You turn to answer something Ellie asks you and the turn carries your eyes across the room by accident, and there he is, already looking, because he's been fighting the same losing battle you have. For one half-second your eyes meet full-on across the firelit room before you both tear away – and in that half-second you see everything in his face, the whole three weeks of it. The love and the want and the patient hope and the sheer starved gladness of just being in a room with you at Christmas which goes through you like a blade, because you know what you’re carrying. You know the door has already shut, know that face is hoping for a thing you've already decided to deny it, and you reach for your whisky, drink too fast, blink hard and say something bright to Ellie in response.
When dinner’s finally called, it’s worse.
Maria’s made an occasion of it – candles down the table, the roast that must have taken a hell of a trade, greenery, the mismatched good plates, Ellie, Dylan and Benji at one end, happy and loud in their own ways, and the five adults ranged down the rest. The seating puts you across the table and one place down from Joel, so that the natural resting place for your eyes, every time you lift them from your plate, is his face, and the natural resting place for his, every time he lifts his, is yours. And the two of you spend the whole, long meal in an exhausting elaborate choreography of not looking, staring at your food, at the candle flames, at Dylan, at Maria, at the salt, at anything and everything but the one place on the whole earth your eyes want to go.
Matt sits beside you, close, warm and easy. Every so often his hand finds your knee under the table, or he’ll lean to murmur something in your ear, some small, ordinary, marital intimacy. You murmur back and lean into it because you've chosen it, and it should feel like relief, but instead every one of those small, warm, marital touches is a fresh small knife. You can feel Joel across the table clocking them, feel him watching Matt's hand find your knee, watching you lean into your husband's murmur, and you know what it’s doing to him, know he’s sitting there reading the body language of a woman who's made her choice and hasn't told him yet. And you can’t stop Matt's hand and you can’t tell Joel, and so you just have to sit inside it, the two men on either side of your attention, the one you've chosen touching your knee and the one you're giving up watching him do it.
"This roast is incredible,” Matt says to Maria at one point. "I don't know how you did it, I truly don't."
"Tommy traded three days' labour for that cut," Maria says dryly, "so enjoy it, it near bankrupted us.”
Everyone laughs, the surface holds, and under the table Matt's thumb moves on your knee. Across the table Joel picks up his water glass and sets it down again without drinking, and you watch his hand do it, think about that hand and have to look at the candle.
"Hey Joel," Dylan says suddenly, obliviously. “When can we go back out on patrol?
The whole table's easy attention swings, casually and warmly, toward Joel and you feel the heat start up your neck before Joel’s even opened his mouth.
“You wanna go back out there?” he asks, his voice steady. But you hear under it, because you've learned his voice.
“Of course!” Dylan grins. “Who knows who else we might find out there? Me and Ellie reckon we ought to start some sort of group – the Finders gang, or something. We could make it part of the patrol to search for lost loved ones.”
“Dylan…” Matt says softly.
“What?” Dylan’s gaze swings to his father. “We found you, didn’t we?”
“Reckon that was more by luck than anything else.”
“Still.”
You glance at Ellie and realise she’s looking at you with an expression that you’ve seen from her before in recent times and yet still can’t quite read. Then she looks at Dylan and grins in solidarity.
“Me and the D-Dog, bringing ‘em home.”
“You both did good out there,” Joel says softly. “I’ll take you out again whenever you want.”
He looks at Dylan and smiles a real smile, warm and helpless. Because whatever else is true in the whole impossible mess, Joel cares about him and has been, in every way that matters, the closest thing to a father. And that’s its own separate grief threaded through all the rest, one you haven’t even let yourself look at squarely. That choosing Matt doesn’t only take Joel from you, it takes Joel from Dylan too, quietly, over time, the way these things go.
“Yeeeeessss!” Dylan says, high-fiving Ellie.
“Maybe I could train for patrol,” Matt says suddenly and your entire body goes cold. “What do you say, Dylan? Joel could train me too and then the two of us could go out there. Maybe even the three of us if Mom feels up to it,” he adds, squeezing your knee again.
“Really?” Dylan looks from his father to you to Joel and then back again. “That would be awesome! Joel?”
Everyone swings to look at Joel again and when you brave a glance, you see that his eyes are still on Dylan.
“Sure,” he says, tightly. “We could do that. Your dad’s a fighter and we need all the good people we can get.”
Matt nods happily at Dylan as though that settles it. But he doesn’t look at Joel and Joel doesn’t look at him and you look at your plate, and think, with a kind of despair, that even the choice you've made, the clean right choice, isn’t going to be clean at all. That it’s going to have roots to tear up for years.
Maria chooses that exact moment to stand and announce the serving of the pie, the spell scatters, and you could weep with gratitude.
You get through the pie, through Tommy standing, gruff and unexpectedly moved, glass raised, to toast the ones who made it home this year – lifting the whisky toward Matt – and everyone drinks to it, including you, and means it. God help you, you do mean it. You’re glad he’s alive, and you don’t look at Joel, who’s also lifting his glass, also drinking to the return of the very man who's taken you away, and you can’t imagine what it tastes like, drinking to his own defeat at his brother's Christmas table.
You get through Dylan and Ellie spiriting Benji away to the other room to play and the loosening later phase of the evening, the adults migrating to the fire, the whisky going round again, the talk going soft and slow. You get through Matt, warm and easy and reclaimed, sitting close to you on the couch with his arm along the back of it behind your shoulders, a man settling back into a marriage he's been told is his again.
"I’ll go check on the kids,” he says at one point, before squeezing your shoulder, getting up and heading into the other room where there’s some sort of raucous game being played. Tommy, Maria and Joel are deep in conversation and you – needing air, needing a task, needing not to sit alone by the fire feeling Joel across the room a moment longer – get up, gather a stack of dessert plates and carry them through to the kitchen.
The kitchen is empty and warm, the window over the basin full of falling snow, and you set the plates down by the sink, roll up your sleeves, run the water hot and let out a long breath, alone at last. You think, standing there with your hands going into the hot water, that you've nearly made it, you've nearly gotten through the whole terrible evening and that in an hour or so, you'll be walking home through the snow with your chosen family with this behind you and you'll only have the telling of him left to dread.
Then the kitchen door swings open, and Joel comes in with a trayful of dirty glasses.
You go still with your hands in the water and don’t turn around. You both understand at once, in the silence that drops over the kitchen that the choreography has failed. The evening has thrown the two of you together, alone, with everyone else scattered. No one is coming, not for a few minutes at least, and here you are, alone with Joel with three weeks of everything between you and a decision in your chest you haven't told him and can’t bear to tell him and can't bear to keep from him either.
"Figured I should bring these though,” he says, and it’s such a transparent, thin, nothing of a sentence that it almost undoes you.
"Just…set them down there," you manage. "I'll get to them."
He sets the tray down and then he doesn’t leave. You can feel him standing there behind you, and the silence stretches and begins to fill up with everything, all of it crowding into the kitchen at once until the air is so thick you can hardly draw it into your lungs.
Tell him, you think. Tell him now and get it over with.
You've decided and you owe him the truth. You should do the brave thing, the clean thing, and tell him now while you're alone and be done with it.
You turn around, half-meaning to, your mouth already opening around the terrible words – and he’s looking at you. He’s looking at you full-on, for the first time all night, the first time for weeks, and it stops the words dead in your throat. You’ve forgotten what it actually does to you to look at Joel straight on with nothing in the way, and the whole weight of the thing you’re about to end crashes into you at once. He’s looking down at you with his whole heart naked in his face, no public mask, no gravel-steady control, just the raw held-back love and hope of a man who's starved and thinks there’s still a fight to win.
"Joel," you say, and your voice comes out wrong, thin and wrecked. "Joel, I have to…there's something I have to tell you, and I don't…God, I don't want to do it here, not at Christmas, but I can't keep…I've…"
You can’t say it. It sticks in your throat like a bone.
"There's something I have to tell you," you say again, helplessly as your eyes fill with tears.
He sees it, reads you the way you read him. He sees the shape of it in your wet eyes and your broken voice and the way you can’t finish, and something crosses his face, some flinch, some dawning, and then…you watch him decide not to let you say it. You watch him step in, closer, fast, before you can get the words out, as though the words unsaid can still be fought. As though he can win if only you don’t finish the sentence.
"No," he says, low and rough. "No, don't. Before you say it, let me…"
He takes your wet hands in both of his and holds them between you. He looks down at them and then up at you, and it costs him, you can see it cost him, this closed-off man doing the hardest thing he knows how to do, wanting out loud where it can be seen and refused.
“I know I promised you space and that I’d never push. But you told me that night that it wasn’t goodbye and yet I’ve seen…I can't stand here and let you say it's done and not fight, not once, not even one time, after these last three weeks. So let me be selfish just this once. I love you. I love you more than anythin’ in this goddamn fucked up world and I wanna be with you. I want you to choose me. Choose a life with me. I'm beggin' you, don't do the thing where you bury yourself alive and call it bein' a good mother, please. Choose me. Choose us.”
And it’s the wrong thing, the selfish thing. The thing that breaks every rule and every promise, the thing that makes a wreck of the clean, brave choice and it goes through you like lightning. Because it’s also the true thing, the thing you've been dying to hear and dying not to hear, and you've built your whole hard-won decision on the belief that it’s settled, that the door is shut, that you've come to the still, cold bottom of it and chosen. And here he is tearing the door back open with his bare hands, wanting you out loud, this man who never asks for anything, begging at Christmas, and every wall you have left simply gives way.
"Joel, you can't…you can't do this,” you breathe. “I decided, I chose. I told Matt I want to stay, that I want to fix it. I have a son and I have to give him his…you can't come in here and…"
Even as you say it your hands are gripping his back, hard, holding on instead of pulling away, and your face streams with tears.
"…it isn't fair, it isn't fair, but I finally decided. I finally got to the bottom of it and chose the right thing, the thing for Dylan, and you…you don't get to…"
You can’t finish that either, because it isn’t true.
"Tell me you don't love me," he says, low and fierce, his forehead dropping toward yours. "Tell me that and I'll let you go. Tell me you don't want me and I'll stand aside and never say another word. I'll be the man across the square you nod to. I'll take Dylan out on patrol and keep my hands to myself until I die. Say that. Say you don't love me and I'll believe you and it's done."
"I can't," you sob, wretched, because you’re done lying and that includes lying to him, cruel as the truth is. "I can't say it, you know I can't. I love you, God, I love you, that was never…that was never the question, Joel, don't you understand? I chose him anyway. I love you and I chose him anyway, because loving you isn't the only thing that's true, because there's my son and because…"
And then he kisses you.
It isn't the crash you've braced for. It’s slow and sweet and aching, his mouth coming down on yours gentle, reverent, both hands moving to cradle your face like something he’s terrified of breaking. You feel the whole three weeks of restraint in it, the whole last two years, all the tenderness he never got to show in daylight poured into one soft desperate kiss.
You move your hands up against his chest to push him away and make a sound of protest into his mouth. You even turn your face a fraction to break the contact, but he follows, gentle and patient, kissing the corner of your mouth, your cheek and your jaw.
“Please,” he murmurs, “please baby…”
Your pushing hands curl slowly into fists in his shirt and pull. Suddenly you’re lost, simply lost, three weeks of famine and a love you've decided to give up and haven't, and you kiss him back and feel him groan low and grateful against your mouth.
"Not in here," you gasp against his lips, and it isn’t no, God help you, it’s the opposite. "Anyone could…Joel, not in here…"
His hand closes around your wrist, and you don’t pull away as he moves you to the door off the far side of the kitchen, the one to the woodshed lean-to, a little dark close space under the eave of the porch roof where the split logs are stacked. You both go, fast and silent, out into the cold black-and-blue dark with the snow ticking down and the muffled warmth of the house pressed against the other side of the wall. The door swings shut behind you, cutting the lamplight to almost nothing.
And then it isn’t fast at all.
That’s the thing that will ruin you to remember. He doesn’t take you against the woodpile in a desperate rush. He backs you up against the inside of the shut door, gently, and kisses you again, slow, in the dark, both hands in your hair now, taking his time like a man who's decided that he’s going to make love to you properly.
His hands move unhurried down your body, learning you again, over your breasts, your waist, gathering your dress in his fists and drawing it up your thighs by degrees. And when he pushes your underwear aside and his fingers find you bare and slick and ready, he groans soft into your mouth, but he doesn’t rush even then. He strokes you slow and gentle, drawing it out, until you’re rocking helplessly against his hand and whimpering into his kiss, until you can’t stand it, until you’re reaching for his belt with shaking hands.
He catches your wrist gently and does it himself, unhurried, freeing himself, and then he hooks one of your thighs up over his hip, lines himself against you and pushes in slow – so slow, so deep, one long unhurried glide all the way to the root that you both have to swallow the sounds of, his forehead dropping to yours in the dark, your fingers digging into his back – and then he stills, buried deep, and just breathes with you a moment, joined, both of you shaking.
"There," he murmurs, wrecked, against your mouth. "God, there. Feel that? Tell me that ain't real."
And then he moves – slow, deep, unhurried rolls of his hips that drag him nearly all the way out and press all the way back in, so deep you feel it everywhere, pinning you gently against the door with every stroke, his hand cradling the back of your head to keep it from knocking the wood, his other arm banded under your thigh to hold you open to him. It’s slow and hot and so deep and so full of love it hurts worse than any rushed thing could have.
Because a quick desperate fuck you could call a mistake – a hunger, a weakness – but this, this slow, tender, thorough lovemaking against a door in the dark…this is a marriage, this is the thing itself, this is the whole life you’re saying no to, given to you once so you'll know exactly what you’re choosing against.
"I love you," he breathes against your mouth between kisses, on every slow deep stroke, "I love you…I love you."
You gasp it back into him, "I love you, Joel, God, I love you," and you have to swallow each other's sounds with your mouths because the house is right there.
He rolls into you slow and deep and endless, and you rise to meet every stroke, your hands mapping his back, his shoulders, his face in the dark, memorising, and it builds slow and unstoppable, a tide instead of a wave, coming up through both of you together.
He reaches between you and strokes your clit in slow circles matched to his hips. “Come with me, baby, let me feel you…”
You tip over the edge together in the dark, silent, clinging, your body clenching around him as he presses deep and shudders and spills into you, both of you shaking apart against the door with your mouths pressed together to muffle the sounds, holding on like the world is ending.
He stays inside you after, holding you up against the door, his face buried in your neck, both of you breathing hard, neither of you moving. And you understand, holding him, that your body and your heart have just told you the whole truth at once, and now you have to walk back into the house and lie about it for the rest of your life.
"I love you," he says again into your neck, quiet now. "I hear what you’re sayin’ and I understand but…don't choose him. We just made love, and you cried and said you loved me the whole way through, and I can't believe the choice is realer than that."
"It has to be," you whisper, voice breaking on every word. "This being real doesn't make the choice not real. They're both real. Don't you think I'd have chosen this in a heartbeat if it were only about what's real between you and me? But it isn’t. It’s about my son who doesn't get a vote and who loves his father and who would spend his whole childhood inside the wreckage of what we'd blow up. And his happiness is realer than this, bigger than this. It has to be, or I'm not a person I can live with being."
You grip his shirt, hard with both fists.
"I chose Matt. I chose Dylan. This…" you press closer, shaking, "…this doesn't undo it. It just makes it cost more. It just proves how much it costs. We can be friends. That’s all I can give you and I’m sorry, I’m so goddamn sorry…”
You push him away from you, pull your dress back down and turn away, slipping back through the door into the kitchen. You go straight to the basin and plunge your hands back into the water that’s now gone lukewarm and press them flat against the bottom of the sink to stop them shaking. Fixing your eyes on the snow outside, you breathe, your whole body still humming with him, still aching sweet and used and full. And you think, dazed and hollow, that you’ve just said goodbye to the great love of your life against a woodpile at Christmas, and that now you only have to walk back into the living room and sit beside the man you've chosen, get through another hour and then you'll be home and this – the worst of it – will be behind you.
You should have known better. You should have felt it coming off him in the dark, in the way he held you, in the way he said choose me like a man who hasn't finished losing and, for once, is prepared to hang on until the bitter end.
Joel comes in the kitchen a minute later, but he doesn’t move past you and doesn’t go back into the living room to be with the others. Instead, he stands behind you, close enough that you can feel the heat radiating from his body.
"I can't do it," he says, his voice full of a kind of grim risen resolve. “I won't. I've spent my whole life standin' back and lettin' things happen to me, lettin' the world take what it wanted and tellin' myself that's just how it goes, that's just bein' decent, that's just survivin'. And I did that with you for three weeks whilst you picked yourself up after him comin’ home. And then tonight I had you in my arms tellin' me you love me and I'll be damned if I stand back one more time and watch the best thing that ever happened to me walk out a door because she decided sufferin' is the same thing as bein' a good mother."
You turn to look at him and see the set of his jaw.
"I ain’t acceptin' it. I'm done acceptin' things. For the first time in longer than I can remember I want somethin', and it's you, and I'm gonna fight for it."
"Joel…"
Your voice shakes, and fear comes up in you fast, because the door to the living room is thirty feet away and your husband is somewhere on the other side of it.
“Keep your voice down, please, you can't…"
"I don't care who hears," he says, not loud, but not lowered either, and it terrifies you worse than shouting would have. "That's the thing. I've been careful around you for so goddamn long. Careful is what got us here – me careful, you careful, everybody so careful nobody ever says the true thing out loud til it's too late to matter. I'm done bein' careful. I'll say it in this kitchen, and I'll say it in that room, and I'll say it in the middle of the square if that's what it takes.”
He takes a breath,
“I love you and I want you and I am not gonna stand here and watch you bury yourself alive next to a man you settled for and call it a gift to your son."
"You don't get to decide that." The fear turns to anger, the only thing big enough to stand against the pull of him. "You don't get to…Joel, this is my life, mine. And Matt's, and Dylan's. You don't get to walk in here and decide you're going to blow it all up because you've decided, all of a sudden, that you're a man who fights now. This isn't yours to fight for. It's mine to decide, and I decided, and you don't get to detonate my whole family because you can't stand losing."
"I don't care,” he says flatly. “I don't care that it's not fair, I don't care that it's not mine to decide, I don't care that it makes me the bad man in the story…I don't care. I care about one thing. I care that you're about to throw your whole life in a hole for the next forty years and tell yourself it's love when it's just fear dressed up in a sacrifice. And I am not gonna stand back and watch you ruin yourself and call my standin'-back decency. Not anymore. I'd rather be the bastard who fought than the decent man who let you drown quiet. So, no. I ain’t respectin' the decision and I ain’t leavin' it alone. I'm gonna fight."
And it’s too much – all of it, the feel of him still warm on your skin and the love roaring up in you and the terror of the room thirty feet away and the plain unbearable fact that some part of you wants him to fight, wants to be fought for, and that wanting is the most dangerous thing in the room – and you can’t stand in it another second. So, you do the only thing left. You turn to walk away, toward the door, toward the living room and your husband and your son and the choice you've made.
He moves at the same time you do, his hand closing around your arm. Not hard, but enough to stop you. You turn back, and for a second you stand there, his hand around your arm, both of you breathing too hard, the whole thing hanging in the air between you like something about to break.
"Let go of me," you say quietly, voice shaking over the words.
"Just listen…"
"Joel, let go, please!"
The kitchen door swings open and Maria comes inside, her eyes taking everything in at a glance – the two of you close, his hand on your arm, your face, his face, the charge in the air – and she crosses the kitchen fast and quiet.
"Let go of her, Joel."
He obeys immediately, his hand dropping away like the arm has gone hot, and Maria steps in close, between you almost, looking from one of you to the other.
"You need to remember where you are, both of you. Dylan and Matt are both in the other room so whatever you’re doing doesn’t happen in my kitchen at Christmas with everybody I love on the other side of that wall, you hear me? You will pull yourselves together and remember where you are."
It’s the thing you need, the cold water of it, the reminder of the room and the world and the walls, and you nod silently. Maria's eyes soften just a fraction as they go over your ruined face and then harden again as they move to Joel.
But Joel doesn’t nod. He doesn’t acquiesce and say it’s alright. Instead, he stands there with his hands loose at his sides and his jaw set.
"I know where I am, Maria,” he says. “I know exactly where I am and I'm done pretendin' I don't want what I want just 'cause of where I'm standin'."
"Joel…" you say and it comes out breaking.
You swallow and gather the last of yourself because Maria’s right, because the walls are thin, and because there’s no other way to end it.
“You need to leave me alone, okay? You need to respect my decision. It’s done, and you need to leave me alone and let me live it. Please, I’m begging you."
He looks at you a long moment, his face terrible – not angry or hard, just open, wrecked and certain all at once.
“I can’t.”
Two words. I can't. Not I won't, but rather I can't, the way you said I can't when he asked you to say you don’t love him, the same helpless bottomless can't. It goes through you like the kiss, and you understand that he means it exactly the way you meant yours, that it’s not a choice he’s making but a truth he’s reporting. That he’s as unable to leave you alone as you've been unable to say you don’t love him, and the symmetry of it is so unbearable that you can’t stand in the room one more second.
You turn to leave and this time he doesn’t grab your arm. He lets you go, and you push through the door into the living room too fast. Ellie, Dylan and Benji are back in the room, everyone looks up, and you know your face is wrong, know it before you've taken two steps, know it in the way the easy talk falters.
Matt stands up, his face moving to something alert and hard in the space of a breath, because he can see your white face and your red-rimmed eyes. Joel follows you seconds later and you watch your husband put it together fast.
"What happened?" Matt asks, his eyes going past you to Joel, and hardening as he takes a step forwards. "Did he…?”
"No…" you say quickly, moving between them. “It's nothing, please don't."
Your voice breaks and you see Matt register that you’re begging him not to talk to Joel and what that begging means – that a wife who has nothing to hide doesn’t beg her husband not to have words with a man who's upset her.
"It's not…we just…it's a hard time of year for everybody. Please, Matt, I don't want a scene, not right now, please. I just want to go home. Can we please just go home?"
He gives you a long look, and you watch him decide, for now, to let it be, to swallow it, to take you home – not because he believes it’s nothing, you can see he doesn’t, but because making it something here, now, would cost too much.
"Okay," he says, gently. “Let’s head home."
“Now?” Dylan protests, looking between you, “but…”
“Dylan doesn’t have to go, right?” Ellie pipes up quickly. “We can go back to mine and listen to some music or shit.”
“Please?” Dylan begs. “It’s still early.”
“Fine,” Matt says before you can reply. “Not too late though.”
Across the room Joel stands by the kitchen door with his jaw set and his eyes on you, not sorry, not backing down, and you can feel it coming off him like heat, the resolve, the refusal. You know this isn’t the end of it, know that walking out this door tonight isn’t walking away from it, isn’t going to leave you alone no matter how you beg, that the fight has only just started and it’s going to burn its way through all of your lives whether you will it or not.
Maria comes out of the kitchen with some wrapped pie and the surface folds back over, thin and bright and false, and you thank her and get your coat on with hands that won’t quite work. You don’t look at Joel, and he doesn’t stop looking at you, and Matt stands close and watchful and doesn’t say the thing that’s building behind his face.
“Thanks Dad,” Dylan says, giving you both an uncharacteristic quick hug. “You can have some alone time.”
You let out a short, strangled laugh, feel your face burn and make for the door.
"Best Christmas ever, right, Mom?"
You pause, turn back, and swallow hard before replying.
"Yeah, honey, best one ever."
It comes out cracked, and you see Matt hear the crack, and Joel close his eyes for a second at the sound of it.
Maria hugs you warmly, Tommy kisses your cheek then claps Matt on the shoulder, too hearty, avoiding both your eyes and Joel’s.
Joel follows you both out onto the porch and he shakes Matt's hand one more time in a very different way from the one proffered and accepted before dinner. Matt's grip is hard and searching, Joel's steady and unrepentant, and it goes on a beat too long before breaking.
"Merry Christmas," Joel says to you softly, and there’s a whole world in it, a whole refusal, a whole I can't.
"Merry Christmas, Joel," you reply, your voice holding by a thread. Then you’re moving down the path in the falling snow with your husband's hand at the small of your back, walking away into the dark.
Behind you, the light of the house spills yellow out onto the snow, and even though you don’t look back, you can feel him standing in the doorway watching you go, feel it between your shoulder blades the whole length of the path. You know, with a cold certainty, that he meant every word of what he said. That a man who's decided, after years of standing back, to want something out loud and fight for it isn’t going to change his mind because you begged him in a kitchen.
That this is a beginning, not an ending, and it’s going to come for all of you.
Matt doesn’t say anything right away. He waits until you’re around the corner, your own home in sight.
"You going to tell me what happened in there?"
You look at his profile, and feel the whole true answer rise up in your throat – we made love and he won’t accept my decision and he told me he’ll fight for me – but then you think about Dylan saying it’s been the best Christmas ever, and you swallow all of it back down.
"Nothing happened.”
It comes out steadier than you have any right to expect, and you hear yourself say it and know that the lie, smooth and quick and protective is part of what you've chosen, is the shape the choice actually takes when it comes down to it. And you understand in that moment with a cold clarity, that choosing the family means choosing to lie to keep it, over and over.
"It was just a long afternoon," you say, softer. “We got to talking about hard things and it got to me, that's all. I'm tired, Matt. I'm just tired.”
“Did you tell him?”
“Mm…that’s why it was hard.”
Matt walks a few steps in silence, and you can’t tell how much of it he believes, or wants to believe, or makes himself believe. Because a man whose been told his wife has chosen him, is a man with a powerful reason to accept nothing happened and will choose to accept it because the alternative is unbearable. You watch him accept it, watch him take the lie, fold it into his coat and decide, tonight at least, that it’s enough.
"Okay," he says, finally. "You did look done in, in there. Came out of that kitchen white as the snow."
He reaches across the space between you, takes your hand and squeezes it. You squeeze back and walk the rest of the way home hand in hand with the man you've chosen, having just lied to him.
At the front door, he stops and turns to look at you again.
"If something had happened with Joel...you'd tell me, wouldn’t you?"
It isn't quite a question and isn’t quite an accusation. It’s a man reaching out one more time in the dark to check the ground under his own feet.
You look at him, with one more chance to stop, to tell the truth, to blow it all open and let it be true – and decide not to take it.
"Of course I would," you say, making yourself meet his eyes. "There's nothing to tell, Matt. I chose you, I meant it, I told Joel and it’s done. Now let's get inside before we both freeze standing here.”
Matt looks at you for a long moment, and then something eases in him, some knot loosens, because he wants so badly to believe you and belief is a thing a hopeful man extends himself out of love.
"Yeah, okay, let’s get in.”
He holds the door open and you step inside, fighting against the thumping of your heart and the terrifying reality that you have no idea what happens now.
Summary: After you and Din finally name your baby, you suddenly realise the full horror of where you've landed.
Warnings: 18+only.
A/N: Thank you for all the kind comments. Enjoy the sweetness and the angst 🫣
Part Sixteen III Part Eighteen
➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰🚀➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰
You breathe and look at your daughter properly.
Until this moment, you’ve only looked at her the way you first looked at Din, in pieces – the dark wisp of hair, the tiny fist, the snuffling mouth – and now, in the moving leaf-light, you can finally look at her whole.
She’s so small that the impossibility of her feels, for a long, suspended moment, like a kind of vertigo. Her fist against your chest is only slightly bigger than the pad of your thumb, the fingernails on it smaller than grains of rice. Her eyelashes – dark, thick and clumped wet at the corners – lie on her cheeks like tiny commas. Her mouth is pink, half-open and slack with sleep, and there’s a small bubble of milk at the corner of it that you wipe away with the pad of your little finger.
She has his nose. You hadn't seen it before, in the rush, but you see it now and laugh wetly. Bending your head, you press your mouth to her warm crown and breathe her in – the warm, new smell of her, the milk and the iron-trace and the strange sweet impossible smell of new skin.
"He'll be back,” you whisper into her skin. “He'll be back, sweetheart. Your buir always comes back."
She breathes, tiny and even, and her fist opens against your bare chest and rests there, palm flat, the trust of a thing that doesn’t yet know it can be afraid.
You lie still and listen as the hold ticks around you with the sound of metal cooling and there’s a faint creak somewhere aft as the wreck settles further into whatever it’s settled into. You notice the drip of something – coolant, maybe, somewhere in the bulkhead – at a slow steady rate, plink, plink, plink, like a clock. The birds outside the hole in the hull keep singing and there’s the faint distant chuckle of water somewhere past the trees.
You listen for him, for the beskar against the deck-plate but all you hear is a long silence – the kind of silence that means a man has stopped moving because he’s reached the thing he was going toward and is looking at it. You picture him in the wreck of the cockpit, the dome of the helmet tilted at the angle that means he’s assessing, the gloved hand reaching for the long-range comm panel and finding…
The personal comm in the blanket-fold by your hip clicks once causing you to jump and the baby to start fussing. You shush her gently and reach down to place your palm flat against the cylinder. He’s telling you he’s alright, that he’s thinking of you. You press once back once and feel him register it because two seconds later the cylinder clicks once more – an acknowledgment, the smallest possible yes – and goes quiet.
You breathe out, slowly and wait.
You don't know how long for because time is doing strange things tonight – the half-hour of labour that felt like a day, the long suspended second of the helmet coming off that felt like a year, the slow drift of the last little while that has been, in actual minutes, you suspect, very few. You count birdcalls, the plinks of the dripping coolant and the small breaths against your chest. The breaths of your daughter steady your own, the way his breath has steadied yours in the past through a modulator, and you laugh at the small inheritance of that.
You hear him coming back, moving differently than when he left, faster, the bad leg compensated for somehow, the bare grunt of effort each time he braces. He comes around the bend, through the canted bulkhead-door and the visor finds you immediately, the way it always does, the first sweep of the helmet always coming to wherever you are in a room. Even now. Even in a wreck. Even with the world on fire.
He drops down beside you, reaches for the helmet seal and after the soft hiss-click, his bare face is back, dark eyes on you, and the relief on his face when he sees that you’re still there, still breathing, still whole, the baby still snuffling against your chest, is so naked that you have to look away for a moment before you can look back.
"How long was I?"
"I don't know. Probably not long even though it felt like forever."
"Eight minutes. I counted."
"Of course you did," you roll your eyes.
He sets the helmet down beside him on the blanket, takes off his gloves and scrubs his hand across his face, hard, the gesture of a man who’s just been doing a great deal of difficult arithmetic and is letting himself feel it.
"Tell me what you found," you say.
"The cockpit's bad."
"How bad?"
"The whole forward section is…the canopy's gone, mesh'la, sheared clean. The pilot's chair is still bolted down but there's about three meters of nothing between it and what used to be the nose. Half the dash is in the trees. I don't know how I rode it down. I don't know what I did. It doesn't matter, the point is the long-range comm is gone. The unit's gone. It's not in the cockpit. It's somewhere, probably somewhere out there in a tree, but I don't have time to look for it before it gets dark."
"Okay."
"The short-range I already knew was dead. So, we have no comm, out or in. The personal units are short-range only. We can't reach Karga or Nevarro or anyone until I find another way."
"Okay."
"The locker’s intact. The long rifle, the carbine, the spare pistol, the kit-knives, three thermal detonators, two flares, and the med kit-supplemental are all in there and dry. The ration crate is intact. The water reclaimer is probably salvageable, but it would take me half a day, and I don't have half a day, so we’re going to drink from the stream when the canteens run out."
"Okay," you say for a third time and wonder if he’s expecting more.
"The aft hold is the only part of the ship that’s more or less the way it was. The door still seals so, as soon as you can move, we move in there. It's defensible, warm and enclosed. The hole in the hull is in the main hold, here, and I can rig a tarp over it, but I would rather have a sealed door between you and the outside.”
You nod and he nods in return before reaching, carefully, and lifting the edge of the thermal blanket. He looks underneath at the pad between your legs and nods again.
"The bleeding's slowing. That's good. The book said…"
"The book."
He laughs. "I know."
"I love that you read the book." You pause. "Tell me about outside."
"Outside is what looks like half forest, half swamp. The canopy is fifty meters up and we’re in a kind of bowl with soft undergrowth which saved us. The trees took the worst of the entry and the undergrowth took the worst of the impact. The wreck’s carved a furrow about sixty meters long through the canopy and the underbrush. Anyone flying over will see that furrow. Anyone flying over with eyes will see it from orbit. So, we’re visible from the air and there’s nothing I can do about that tonight."
"Okay.”
"The stream is, I think, about three hundred meters that way." He gestures with his chin toward what you’ve been calling the daylight side. "I haven't been to it yet. The terrain between is rocky and broken and there’s good cover. There’s a ridge on the other side, maybe about a klick from here. I couldn't see past it from where I was. If there's a settlement or a road near, it’s probably past that ridge. I’ll scout at first light tomorrow.”
"Wildlife?"
"I don't know yet. I heard birds and something larger move once at about two hundred meters out, in the brush, and then it stopped. It could have been anything, but I’ll set tripwires before nightfall. If something comes close enough to trip one, I’ll know."
"And if it's people?"
His jaw works.
"Then I’ll know that too," he says, "and I’ll deal with it."
You look at him a long moment and see that the tiredness in him is enormous. It’s starting, now, to show – the small grey under his eyes, the small tremor at the corner of his mouth, the way his hand on his knee isn’t entirely steady. He’s been on his feet, or on his knee, or hauling himself on his elbows, for the better part of an hour without rest, with a torn leg, having just delivered his first child in a wreck and you know he’s going to drop if he doesn't sit down soon.
"Din."
"Mm."
"Come here."
"Mesh'la, I have to…"
"Come here. Five minutes, I’m ordering you as your wife, the mother of your child and as your patient. As the woman who just gave birth on this deck-plate. Come here for five minutes, put your head down and breathe before you go anywhere else."
He looks at you. You watch the resistance gather and you watch it lose. He drags himself the half metre to your side, careful of the leg, eases down into the blanket-nest beside you, and lets his head fall, very slowly, onto your shoulder, on the side that’s not occupied by the baby.
He sighs a real, whole sigh. The kind a body makes when, for the first time in an hour, it’s allowed to admit that it’s tired. His arm comes across your middle, his hand finding the small of the baby's back and rests there, gently, his forehead pressing into the side of your neck.
You stroke his hair and realise it’s thicker than you would’ve guessed, damp at the roots and slightly curling at the ends. You stroke it, slow, the way you’ve stroked the back of his neck through the underweave a thousand times, and he sighs again, deeper, his hand on the baby's back goes going heavier.
"Five minutes," you whisper.
"Five minutes."
"Then you can go set your tripwires, rig your tarp and be terrifyingly competent.”
He laughs, a small, wet laugh against your neck. "Deal."
"Din."
"Mm."
"We're going to be alright, aren’t we?"
He pauses and his arm tightens, very slightly, around your middle, his hand spreading across the baby’s back.
"Yes," he says softly in a voice you’re still learning. "Yes, mesh'la, we’re going to be alright."
You don't know if you believe it. You don't know if he believes it. It doesn't, in this moment, matter. The leaf-light moves across the wrecked deck, the coolant plinks, the birds sing and your daughter breathes against your chest. The man you love – the face of the man you love, the whole face, the dark hair and the dark eyes and the small scars and the curved nose and the threads of grey – rests against your shoulder and breathes with you.
The helmet sits on the blanket beside him, and somewhere out past the ridge there may be a settlement or there may be a road or there may be nothing, and somewhere overhead there may be eyes coming or there may not, and you have, in this moment, five minutes.
You both take them.
****
The five minutes become ten and you let them. He needs them and you need them and the baby on your chest needs the quiet, warm tucked-in space of both of you breathing around her, and when he finally lifts his head from your shoulder it’s slow and reluctant, the lift of a man pulling himself back into the work by force.
"Alright," he says, softly and he goes back to the work at hand of protecting his family. He rigs the tarp with more efficiency than you’ve given him credit for, then he checks the aft hold one more time before you begin the slow progress of shifting your position.
He takes the baby from you, giving you a moment to gather your strength and allow feeling to return to your limbs before gently pushing yourself up from the blanket nest and onto your feet. The ship sways around you for a moment, and he shoots out one hand to hold you steady.
“Cyar’ika…”
“I’m fine,” you reassure him as you start shuffling along the deck, a blanket carefully placed over you, clutching the pad between your legs because you’re not wearing any underwear.
The distance isn’t far, but it takes longer than you anticipated and by the time you reach the hold and sink down into a new blanket nest, you feel exhausted. He passes the baby back to you then surveys you from above, brows drawn together.
“I should stitch you now.”
“Very romantic,” you reply wryly, then grit your teeth as he drops down to the deck and goes about the work, lifting his eyes every so often to meet yours, checking that you’re okay. “I’ve heard rumours that, after witnessing childbirth, some men find it hard to go near their partners again."
“I find that hard to believe,” he replies when he's done, kissing the top of your head.
“It’s true.”
“It’s not true of this man.”
“I know,” you reply, then watch as he fits the helmet on again and ventures outside once more to place the tripwires. By the time he comes back, the baby is fussing again, and you latch her once more to your breast to feed. “There, there little one.”
He removes the helmet and lowers himself down beside you again, one hand on the back of her neck. “She needs a name.”
“She does,” you reply, then look at her, because every name you’ve ever considered somehow doesn’t seem right now that you’ve seen her.
"Mira'ika.”
You blink and look up at him. "Mira?"
He goes still, pulling back just enough to look at your face. His eyes have gone slightly wary – the look of a man who has, once again, made a private decision and is, only now, realising he made it without consulting you.
"I…I was thinking it when I was outside. I'm sorry, I should have asked. I just…I…”
"Mira."
"It means – in the old dialect – it means…"
"It means miracle, Din. I know what it means."
"...yes."
You look down at her as she snuffles against your chest, her dark eyes – still that newborn dark, the unfocused, universal dark – open under the dark wisps. You watch her watch nothing. You watch her exist. You watch her breathe in and out, in and out, the small relentless miracle of a thing that only a few hours ago was inside you and is now a person with a name.
"Mira," you say, trying it.
She blinks, slow and accidental, the way newborns do, the way that means nothing and feels like everything.
"Yes," you say, meeting his gaze. "Mira."
His face does a small fractional break-and-mend behind the eyes, his mouth presses to your hairline and the three of you stay like that for a long time.
****
“I have a question.”
Din turns from where he’s refitting the beskar he took off the previous evening so as to be able to curl in the blanket nest with you and Mira, his body warm around yours and heavy with sleep – so heavy that you had to nudge him sharply awake when you realised you needed a change of cloth diaper for her.
“What’s the question?”
“Is she Mira Djarin or Din Mira?”
He pauses as he slides on the second glove and looks from you to his sleeping daughter and then back again.
“I mean, if she’s Din Mira, does that mean I have to call both of you Din? Because that might get a little confusing.”
“Technically, following the naming convention of my family, she would be Din Mira,” he replies, “Din being the family name.”
“Wait…” you frown. “Are you telling me that Din is your family name, not your first name?”
“Yes.”
“But…all this time I thought…I’ve been calling you Din because…”
“As you should.”
“But…”
“I’ve always been Din, cyar’ika, for as long as I can remember,” he smiles. “Calling me anything else would seem strange. But we can call her Mira.”
You shake your head, thrown once more by aspects of Mandalorian culture of which you have little to no knowledge – not even your husband’s proper name.
“When we get back to Nevarro, you have to find me a book that I can read about all this.”
“I will, but not every Mandalorian names their offspring the same. In other tribes, the names could be the other way around.”
“Mmm…” you look back down at her. “Let’s stick with Mira.”
“Yes.” He lifts the helmet. "I'm going to go up the ridge and try to see what's past it. I need to know where we are, mesh'la. I can’t plan until I know where we are."
"How long will you be gone?"
"Two hours, maybe three. I'll move fast, be back as soon as I can and I’ll be careful with the leg, I promise."
"Take the carbine."
"I'm taking the carbine."
"Take water."
"I'm taking water."
"Take…"
"Cyar'ika..." he smiles eyes warm. "I have done this before."
"Not with us in the wreck of what used to be your ship."
The smile fades and he bends, kissing your lips quick and hard, the kiss of a man who’s leaving and doesn’t want to dwell on the leaving. Then he kisses Mira’s head and puts on the helmet.
The visor finds you, the modulator catching his breath.
"One, two, hold," he says.
"One, two, hold."
He nods and then he goes.
This time, you don’t count the birdcalls or the plinks. You hold Mira against your chest and let yourself simply be. You doze in long shallow drifts, surfacing again each time she fusses, changing her diaper or shifting her against the other breast then dozing again.
The smell is back.
You don't register it at first. It’s faint, layered under leaf-smell and damp-smell and the trace of coolant, and you’ve been dozing, being a new mother, and your brain has been full of other things.
But it registers now with a familiarity that you pushed away before, but now feel coming at you, head on.
You go very still and don’t move as Mira snuffles against your chest. You make yourself stroke her back, slow and automatic, the small, unconscious soothing you’ve been doing since Din left but the smell is unmistakable now – that fetid, stagnant, slimy smell that seems to invade every part of your body, clawing at the back of your throat.
That smell you remember so vividly.
You tell yourself no, that there must be a hundred planets in the galaxy that could have the same smell, that it’s generic and that you’re tired and frightened and post-partum and your brain is reaching for the worst place it knows.
The personal comm by your hip clicks twice and your blood goes cold.
You snatch it up and press it once in response. The cylinder clicks back, twice, and you realise that he’s coming back with news that you’re probably not going to like.
You wait, lying tense in the blanket-nest, listening, and then you hear him – beskar on undergrowth, the small, careful crunch of a man who’s moving fast and trying not to – and then the dragging step at the hatch, the visor coming around the bulkhead, and he’s there.
He stops just inside, the visor finding you and he’s breathing hard through the modulator. He reaches up, takes the helmet off and you can see his face is flushed, hair damp at the temples and his eyes find yours with something behind them you can’t, at first, read.
"I have to tell you something, cyar’ika and I want you to listen and not be frightened.”
"Tell me," you say, your voice shaking slightly.
"I made the ridge and I got up high enough to see down the other side. There's a road about four klicks away. It looks like a main road, but it’s completely surrounded by swamp land.”
You can't breathe.
“I looked as far as I could without being seen, but it looks as though the road leads to a palace.” He takes a breath. “I’ve seen it before – the palace – in holo images, and the swampland. I recognised it…”
“Nal Hutta."
He stops, eyes sharpening on your tone, then moves forward to kneel, awkwardly in front of you.
"Cyar'ika..."
"It's Nal Hutta, Din, isn’t it?"
"Yes.”
You make a small sound, a small, flat sound that isn’t not a word. Mira startles and squalls, and you press her tighter against you making yourself breathe. The smell is everywhere now, and you can’t believe you didn’t name it the moment the leaf-light came through the hull, can’t believe you let yourself doze in the smell of the place you swore you would die before you ever smelled again.
"I know…I understand it's frightening. But Jabba the Hutt is dead and…”
"Din…" Your voice comes out faint, high and reedy as your body starts to shake.
“I’ll protect you, you know I will…”
“No…”
"What is it?” he asks, his tone panicked at the sight of you. “Are you cold?” He pulls the blanket tighter around you. “Tell me, cyar'ika."
You look at him, his eyes wide, searching and full of the careful banked alarm of a man who’s watching the woman he loves start to fall apart.
“I’ve been on Nal Hutta before,” you whisper, “a long time ago, when I was younger. Before…before I was sent to Shakari.”
His mouth opens as though to say something, but words don’t come and he simply shakes his head.
“I was…I was brought here from my home planet when I was a child. We were…we were all taken from our homes – kidnapped – and brought here. Jabba…he ordered that we be kept here until we were considered of age to…”
You break off and close your eyes, your face dropping to press once more against Mira’s head.
“To what?” Din asks quietly, when you don’t continue.
“To be of service,” you reply finally. “When we were considered of age to be of service. That’s when we were all transported to Shakari and…and made to work. Din…” tears blur your vision, “I know I’ve never told you, about Shakari, about what life was like there before I managed to escape and climb aboard this ship. I’ve never told you…”
You pause and his eyes hold yours, his body completely still.
"You’ve never told me."
“Because I couldn’t,” you say, fighting down a sob. “I couldn’t tell you what I had to do there, what I was forced…” you swallow hard. “And you never asked. You never asked me, that day when you found me, what I was running from. I told you I needed to be taken off-world, and you took me and you never asked…”
“I assumed that one day, you’d tell me cyar’ika.” His gloved hand comes to your face, the leather brushing away the tears. “It’s your story, your…”
“It was my hell,” you gulp, “and I escaped it, and I got away and I have a life now with you and…and with her…” you look down at Mira, the whole horror of the situation gathering in your chest and making it tight. “I can’t… I can’t stay here, Din, and I can’t be sent back to Shakari, and I can’t let her go through that. I can’t let them take her. The twins, they could take her…”
“They won’t.”
"Din…"
"They won't." His hand moves to your jaw, holding you firmly, forcing you to look at him. “Look at me cyar’ika. You will not go near the palace. She will not go near the palace. The twins will not lay eyes on either of you, and neither will anyone else who might harm you. Do you hear me?”
"But my face, Din, they…"
"Do they know your face?"
"Yes. We were all scanned when we were brought here and when we left and then regularly on Shakari so that they could keep track of us. The fact that I escaped...I…they’ll know me if they see me, I know they will.”
"Alright."
He takes a breath, looks down at Mira and his face does the small fractional thing that you can now read as the deepest and oldest love he is capable of. Then he looks back up at you, and his expression is steely again.
"Alright, so we need to get out of here as quickly as we can. We don’t engage or negotiate or do anything to draw attention to ourselves. We move tonight if you can and we get the karking hell off this swamp, okay?"
"Okay…"
"But we can’t fly the Crest, so we have to find another way.”
“There’s…there’s a freighter that comes and goes once a day. It takes off at nightfall and returns in the morning. Or at least it used to, I don’t know if…” you take a deep breath to steady yourself into the logic of escape. “It moves back and forth between Nal Hutta and Nar Shaddaa. If we can somehow reach it, stow away on board and get to Nar Shaddaa, we’ll be able to catch a commercial ship from there back towards Nevarro. But…”
“We’d have to get on the freighter undetected,” he finishes.
“Yes, and I don't know if...I don't know if they check...”
"How far is the spaceport?"
"From the palace – north, around five klicks. I don't…I don't know from here.”
He’s already thinking and you can see it, visibly, in his face – the small flicker of the eyes, the small tightening at the jaw, his glove coming off, and his hand coming up to scrub across his mouth as he runs the geometry.
"Five klicks from the palace," he says, low. "From here…call it ten klicks north of us through forest and swamp. With you and her and me with this leg. We’ll have to avoid scouts and reach the port before the freighter goes up…” he nods. “This is doable.”
"Din…"
"This is doable. We will do this, do you hear me?"
"I hear you."
"Alright. I need you to rest now whilst I inventory the locker, pack what we need and only what we need and then we’re going to move, okay?”
You nod, because there’s nothing else to do.
He breathes out and bends his forehead down to yours, staying there a long second as his mouth brushes, soft, across your lips.
"I won’t let any of them near you, I swear it on every creed I have left, mesh'la. On the Way and on the Waters and on every name I have. On my very life. No-one will see your face. No-one will see her face. The Hutts will never know you were ever here and we will be safely on our way back to Nevarro before they ever find this ship. Believe me when I say this.”
“I believe you,” you whisper in return.
He straightens, picks the helmet up and slides it back on.
"Rest," he says through the modulator. "I'll be back as soon as I can once I have everything organised.”
You hold Mira against your chest as he goes about the work of preparing for escape and press your mouth into her head.
"We’re going to get out of here, sweetheart. We’re going to get out of here. Your buir is the best there is and he’s going to get us out of here and you are never going to know the smell of this planet again. I promise you. I promise you."
Mira sleeps on, oblivious, and you close your eyes, and make yourself rest, because he told you to, and because you're going to need every scrap of strength you possess to get out of this nightmare.
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Summary: After you and Din finally name your baby, you suddenly realise the full horror of where you've landed.
Warnings: 18+only.
A/N: Thank you for all the kind comments. Enjoy the sweetness and the angst 🫣
Part Sixteen III Part Eighteen
➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰🚀➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰
You breathe and look at your daughter properly.
Until this moment, you’ve only looked at her the way you first looked at Din, in pieces – the dark wisp of hair, the tiny fist, the snuffling mouth – and now, in the moving leaf-light, you can finally look at her whole.
She’s so small that the impossibility of her feels, for a long, suspended moment, like a kind of vertigo. Her fist against your chest is only slightly bigger than the pad of your thumb, the fingernails on it smaller than grains of rice. Her eyelashes – dark, thick and clumped wet at the corners – lie on her cheeks like tiny commas. Her mouth is pink, half-open and slack with sleep, and there’s a small bubble of milk at the corner of it that you wipe away with the pad of your little finger.
She has his nose. You hadn't seen it before, in the rush, but you see it now and laugh wetly. Bending your head, you press your mouth to her warm crown and breathe her in – the warm, new smell of her, the milk and the iron-trace and the strange sweet impossible smell of new skin.
"He'll be back,” you whisper into her skin. “He'll be back, sweetheart. Your buir always comes back."
She breathes, tiny and even, and her fist opens against your bare chest and rests there, palm flat, the trust of a thing that doesn’t yet know it can be afraid.
You lie still and listen as the hold ticks around you with the sound of metal cooling and there’s a faint creak somewhere aft as the wreck settles further into whatever it’s settled into. You notice the drip of something – coolant, maybe, somewhere in the bulkhead – at a slow steady rate, plink, plink, plink, like a clock. The birds outside the hole in the hull keep singing and there’s the faint distant chuckle of water somewhere past the trees.
You listen for him, for the beskar against the deck-plate but all you hear is a long silence – the kind of silence that means a man has stopped moving because he’s reached the thing he was going toward and is looking at it. You picture him in the wreck of the cockpit, the dome of the helmet tilted at the angle that means he’s assessing, the gloved hand reaching for the long-range comm panel and finding…
The personal comm in the blanket-fold by your hip clicks once causing you to jump and the baby to start fussing. You shush her gently and reach down to place your palm flat against the cylinder. He’s telling you he’s alright, that he’s thinking of you. You press once back once and feel him register it because two seconds later the cylinder clicks once more – an acknowledgment, the smallest possible yes – and goes quiet.
You breathe out, slowly and wait.
You don't know how long for because time is doing strange things tonight – the half-hour of labour that felt like a day, the long suspended second of the helmet coming off that felt like a year, the slow drift of the last little while that has been, in actual minutes, you suspect, very few. You count birdcalls, the plinks of the dripping coolant and the small breaths against your chest. The breaths of your daughter steady your own, the way his breath has steadied yours in the past through a modulator, and you laugh at the small inheritance of that.
You hear him coming back, moving differently than when he left, faster, the bad leg compensated for somehow, the bare grunt of effort each time he braces. He comes around the bend, through the canted bulkhead-door and the visor finds you immediately, the way it always does, the first sweep of the helmet always coming to wherever you are in a room. Even now. Even in a wreck. Even with the world on fire.
He drops down beside you, reaches for the helmet seal and after the soft hiss-click, his bare face is back, dark eyes on you, and the relief on his face when he sees that you’re still there, still breathing, still whole, the baby still snuffling against your chest, is so naked that you have to look away for a moment before you can look back.
"How long was I?"
"I don't know. Probably not long even though it felt like forever."
"Eight minutes. I counted."
"Of course you did," you roll your eyes.
He sets the helmet down beside him on the blanket, takes off his gloves and scrubs his hand across his face, hard, the gesture of a man who’s just been doing a great deal of difficult arithmetic and is letting himself feel it.
"Tell me what you found," you say.
"The cockpit's bad."
"How bad?"
"The whole forward section is…the canopy's gone, mesh'la, sheared clean. The pilot's chair is still bolted down but there's about three meters of nothing between it and what used to be the nose. Half the dash is in the trees. I don't know how I rode it down. I don't know what I did. It doesn't matter, the point is the long-range comm is gone. The unit's gone. It's not in the cockpit. It's somewhere, probably somewhere out there in a tree, but I don't have time to look for it before it gets dark."
"Okay."
"The short-range I already knew was dead. So, we have no comm, out or in. The personal units are short-range only. We can't reach Karga or Nevarro or anyone until I find another way."
"Okay."
"The locker’s intact. The long rifle, the carbine, the spare pistol, the kit-knives, three thermal detonators, two flares, and the med kit-supplemental are all in there and dry. The ration crate is intact. The water reclaimer is probably salvageable, but it would take me half a day, and I don't have half a day, so we’re going to drink from the stream when the canteens run out."
"Okay," you say for a third time and wonder if he’s expecting more.
"The aft hold is the only part of the ship that’s more or less the way it was. The door still seals so, as soon as you can move, we move in there. It's defensible, warm and enclosed. The hole in the hull is in the main hold, here, and I can rig a tarp over it, but I would rather have a sealed door between you and the outside.”
You nod and he nods in return before reaching, carefully, and lifting the edge of the thermal blanket. He looks underneath at the pad between your legs and nods again.
"The bleeding's slowing. That's good. The book said…"
"The book."
He laughs. "I know."
"I love that you read the book." You pause. "Tell me about outside."
"Outside is what looks like half forest, half swamp. The canopy is fifty meters up and we’re in a kind of bowl with soft undergrowth which saved us. The trees took the worst of the entry and the undergrowth took the worst of the impact. The wreck’s carved a furrow about sixty meters long through the canopy and the underbrush. Anyone flying over will see that furrow. Anyone flying over with eyes will see it from orbit. So, we’re visible from the air and there’s nothing I can do about that tonight."
"Okay.”
"The stream is, I think, about three hundred meters that way." He gestures with his chin toward what you’ve been calling the daylight side. "I haven't been to it yet. The terrain between is rocky and broken and there’s good cover. There’s a ridge on the other side, maybe about a klick from here. I couldn't see past it from where I was. If there's a settlement or a road near, it’s probably past that ridge. I’ll scout at first light tomorrow.”
"Wildlife?"
"I don't know yet. I heard birds and something larger move once at about two hundred meters out, in the brush, and then it stopped. It could have been anything, but I’ll set tripwires before nightfall. If something comes close enough to trip one, I’ll know."
"And if it's people?"
His jaw works.
"Then I’ll know that too," he says, "and I’ll deal with it."
You look at him a long moment and see that the tiredness in him is enormous. It’s starting, now, to show – the small grey under his eyes, the small tremor at the corner of his mouth, the way his hand on his knee isn’t entirely steady. He’s been on his feet, or on his knee, or hauling himself on his elbows, for the better part of an hour without rest, with a torn leg, having just delivered his first child in a wreck and you know he’s going to drop if he doesn't sit down soon.
"Din."
"Mm."
"Come here."
"Mesh'la, I have to…"
"Come here. Five minutes, I’m ordering you as your wife, the mother of your child and as your patient. As the woman who just gave birth on this deck-plate. Come here for five minutes, put your head down and breathe before you go anywhere else."
He looks at you. You watch the resistance gather and you watch it lose. He drags himself the half metre to your side, careful of the leg, eases down into the blanket-nest beside you, and lets his head fall, very slowly, onto your shoulder, on the side that’s not occupied by the baby.
He sighs a real, whole sigh. The kind a body makes when, for the first time in an hour, it’s allowed to admit that it’s tired. His arm comes across your middle, his hand finding the small of the baby's back and rests there, gently, his forehead pressing into the side of your neck.
You stroke his hair and realise it’s thicker than you would’ve guessed, damp at the roots and slightly curling at the ends. You stroke it, slow, the way you’ve stroked the back of his neck through the underweave a thousand times, and he sighs again, deeper, his hand on the baby's back goes going heavier.
"Five minutes," you whisper.
"Five minutes."
"Then you can go set your tripwires, rig your tarp and be terrifyingly competent.”
He laughs, a small, wet laugh against your neck. "Deal."
"Din."
"Mm."
"We're going to be alright, aren’t we?"
He pauses and his arm tightens, very slightly, around your middle, his hand spreading across the baby’s back.
"Yes," he says softly in a voice you’re still learning. "Yes, mesh'la, we’re going to be alright."
You don't know if you believe it. You don't know if he believes it. It doesn't, in this moment, matter. The leaf-light moves across the wrecked deck, the coolant plinks, the birds sing and your daughter breathes against your chest. The man you love – the face of the man you love, the whole face, the dark hair and the dark eyes and the small scars and the curved nose and the threads of grey – rests against your shoulder and breathes with you.
The helmet sits on the blanket beside him, and somewhere out past the ridge there may be a settlement or there may be a road or there may be nothing, and somewhere overhead there may be eyes coming or there may not, and you have, in this moment, five minutes.
You both take them.
****
The five minutes become ten and you let them. He needs them and you need them and the baby on your chest needs the quiet, warm tucked-in space of both of you breathing around her, and when he finally lifts his head from your shoulder it’s slow and reluctant, the lift of a man pulling himself back into the work by force.
"Alright," he says, softly and he goes back to the work at hand of protecting his family. He rigs the tarp with more efficiency than you’ve given him credit for, then he checks the aft hold one more time before you begin the slow progress of shifting your position.
He takes the baby from you, giving you a moment to gather your strength and allow feeling to return to your limbs before gently pushing yourself up from the blanket nest and onto your feet. The ship sways around you for a moment, and he shoots out one hand to hold you steady.
“Cyar’ika…”
“I’m fine,” you reassure him as you start shuffling along the deck, a blanket carefully placed over you, clutching the pad between your legs because you’re not wearing any underwear.
The distance isn’t far, but it takes longer than you anticipated and by the time you reach the hold and sink down into a new blanket nest, you feel exhausted. He passes the baby back to you then surveys you from above, brows drawn together.
“I should stitch you now.”
“Very romantic,” you reply wryly, then grit your teeth as he drops down to the deck and goes about the work, lifting his eyes every so often to meet yours, checking that you’re okay. “I’ve heard rumours that, after witnessing childbirth, some men find it hard to go near their partners again."
“I find that hard to believe,” he replies when he's done, kissing the top of your head.
“It’s true.”
“It’s not true of this man.”
“I know,” you reply, then watch as he fits the helmet on again and ventures outside once more to place the tripwires. By the time he comes back, the baby is fussing again, and you latch her once more to your breast to feed. “There, there little one.”
He removes the helmet and lowers himself down beside you again, one hand on the back of her neck. “She needs a name.”
“She does,” you reply, then look at her, because every name you’ve ever considered somehow doesn’t seem right now that you’ve seen her.
"Mira'ika.”
You blink and look up at him. "Mira?"
He goes still, pulling back just enough to look at your face. His eyes have gone slightly wary – the look of a man who has, once again, made a private decision and is, only now, realising he made it without consulting you.
"I…I was thinking it when I was outside. I'm sorry, I should have asked. I just…I…”
"Mira."
"It means – in the old dialect – it means…"
"It means miracle, Din. I know what it means."
"...yes."
You look down at her as she snuffles against your chest, her dark eyes – still that newborn dark, the unfocused, universal dark – open under the dark wisps. You watch her watch nothing. You watch her exist. You watch her breathe in and out, in and out, the small relentless miracle of a thing that only a few hours ago was inside you and is now a person with a name.
"Mira," you say, trying it.
She blinks, slow and accidental, the way newborns do, the way that means nothing and feels like everything.
"Yes," you say, meeting his gaze. "Mira."
His face does a small fractional break-and-mend behind the eyes, his mouth presses to your hairline and the three of you stay like that for a long time.
****
“I have a question.”
Din turns from where he’s refitting the beskar he took off the previous evening so as to be able to curl in the blanket nest with you and Mira, his body warm around yours and heavy with sleep – so heavy that you had to nudge him sharply awake when you realised you needed a change of cloth diaper for her.
“What’s the question?”
“Is she Mira Djarin or Din Mira?”
He pauses as he slides on the second glove and looks from you to his sleeping daughter and then back again.
“I mean, if she’s Din Mira, does that mean I have to call both of you Din? Because that might get a little confusing.”
“Technically, following the naming convention of my family, she would be Din Mira,” he replies, “Din being the family name.”
“Wait…” you frown. “Are you telling me that Din is your family name, not your first name?”
“Yes.”
“But…all this time I thought…I’ve been calling you Din because…”
“As you should.”
“But…”
“I’ve always been Din, cyar’ika, for as long as I can remember,” he smiles. “Calling me anything else would seem strange. But we can call her Mira.”
You shake your head, thrown once more by aspects of Mandalorian culture of which you have little to no knowledge – not even your husband’s proper name.
“When we get back to Nevarro, you have to find me a book that I can read about all this.”
“I will, but not every Mandalorian names their offspring the same. In other tribes, the names could be the other way around.”
“Mmm…” you look back down at her. “Let’s stick with Mira.”
“Yes.” He lifts the helmet. "I'm going to go up the ridge and try to see what's past it. I need to know where we are, mesh'la. I can’t plan until I know where we are."
"How long will you be gone?"
"Two hours, maybe three. I'll move fast, be back as soon as I can and I’ll be careful with the leg, I promise."
"Take the carbine."
"I'm taking the carbine."
"Take water."
"I'm taking water."
"Take…"
"Cyar'ika..." he smiles eyes warm. "I have done this before."
"Not with us in the wreck of what used to be your ship."
The smile fades and he bends, kissing your lips quick and hard, the kiss of a man who’s leaving and doesn’t want to dwell on the leaving. Then he kisses Mira’s head and puts on the helmet.
The visor finds you, the modulator catching his breath.
"One, two, hold," he says.
"One, two, hold."
He nods and then he goes.
This time, you don’t count the birdcalls or the plinks. You hold Mira against your chest and let yourself simply be. You doze in long shallow drifts, surfacing again each time she fusses, changing her diaper or shifting her against the other breast then dozing again.
The smell is back.
You don't register it at first. It’s faint, layered under leaf-smell and damp-smell and the trace of coolant, and you’ve been dozing, being a new mother, and your brain has been full of other things.
But it registers now with a familiarity that you pushed away before, but now feel coming at you, head on.
You go very still and don’t move as Mira snuffles against your chest. You make yourself stroke her back, slow and automatic, the small, unconscious soothing you’ve been doing since Din left but the smell is unmistakable now – that fetid, stagnant, slimy smell that seems to invade every part of your body, clawing at the back of your throat.
That smell you remember so vividly.
You tell yourself no, that there must be a hundred planets in the galaxy that could have the same smell, that it’s generic and that you’re tired and frightened and post-partum and your brain is reaching for the worst place it knows.
The personal comm by your hip clicks twice and your blood goes cold.
You snatch it up and press it once in response. The cylinder clicks back, twice, and you realise that he’s coming back with news that you’re probably not going to like.
You wait, lying tense in the blanket-nest, listening, and then you hear him – beskar on undergrowth, the small, careful crunch of a man who’s moving fast and trying not to – and then the dragging step at the hatch, the visor coming around the bulkhead, and he’s there.
He stops just inside, the visor finding you and he’s breathing hard through the modulator. He reaches up, takes the helmet off and you can see his face is flushed, hair damp at the temples and his eyes find yours with something behind them you can’t, at first, read.
"I have to tell you something, cyar’ika and I want you to listen and not be frightened.”
"Tell me," you say, your voice shaking slightly.
"I made the ridge and I got up high enough to see down the other side. There's a road about four klicks away. It looks like a main road, but it’s completely surrounded by swamp land.”
You can't breathe.
“I looked as far as I could without being seen, but it looks as though the road leads to a palace.” He takes a breath. “I’ve seen it before – the palace – in holo images, and the swampland. I recognised it…”
“Nal Hutta."
He stops, eyes sharpening on your tone, then moves forward to kneel, awkwardly in front of you.
"Cyar'ika..."
"It's Nal Hutta, Din, isn’t it?"
"Yes.”
You make a small sound, a small, flat sound that isn’t not a word. Mira startles and squalls, and you press her tighter against you making yourself breathe. The smell is everywhere now, and you can’t believe you didn’t name it the moment the leaf-light came through the hull, can’t believe you let yourself doze in the smell of the place you swore you would die before you ever smelled again.
"I know…I understand it's frightening. But Jabba the Hutt is dead and…”
"Din…" Your voice comes out faint, high and reedy as your body starts to shake.
“I’ll protect you, you know I will…”
“No…”
"What is it?” he asks, his tone panicked at the sight of you. “Are you cold?” He pulls the blanket tighter around you. “Tell me, cyar'ika."
You look at him, his eyes wide, searching and full of the careful banked alarm of a man who’s watching the woman he loves start to fall apart.
“I’ve been on Nal Hutta before,” you whisper, “a long time ago, when I was younger. Before…before I was sent to Shakari.”
His mouth opens as though to say something, but words don’t come and he simply shakes his head.
“I was…I was brought here from my home planet when I was a child. We were…we were all taken from our homes – kidnapped – and brought here. Jabba…he ordered that we be kept here until we were considered of age to…”
You break off and close your eyes, your face dropping to press once more against Mira’s head.
“To what?” Din asks quietly, when you don’t continue.
“To be of service,” you reply finally. “When we were considered of age to be of service. That’s when we were all transported to Shakari and…and made to work. Din…” tears blur your vision, “I know I’ve never told you, about Shakari, about what life was like there before I managed to escape and climb aboard this ship. I’ve never told you…”
You pause and his eyes hold yours, his body completely still.
"You’ve never told me."
“Because I couldn’t,” you say, fighting down a sob. “I couldn’t tell you what I had to do there, what I was forced…” you swallow hard. “And you never asked. You never asked me, that day when you found me, what I was running from. I told you I needed to be taken off-world, and you took me and you never asked…”
“I assumed that one day, you’d tell me cyar’ika.” His gloved hand comes to your face, the leather brushing away the tears. “It’s your story, your…”
“It was my hell,” you gulp, “and I escaped it, and I got away and I have a life now with you and…and with her…” you look down at Mira, the whole horror of the situation gathering in your chest and making it tight. “I can’t… I can’t stay here, Din, and I can’t be sent back to Shakari, and I can’t let her go through that. I can’t let them take her. The twins, they could take her…”
“They won’t.”
"Din…"
"They won't." His hand moves to your jaw, holding you firmly, forcing you to look at him. “Look at me cyar’ika. You will not go near the palace. She will not go near the palace. The twins will not lay eyes on either of you, and neither will anyone else who might harm you. Do you hear me?”
"But my face, Din, they…"
"Do they know your face?"
"Yes. We were all scanned when we were brought here and when we left and then regularly on Shakari so that they could keep track of us. The fact that I escaped...I…they’ll know me if they see me, I know they will.”
"Alright."
He takes a breath, looks down at Mira and his face does the small fractional thing that you can now read as the deepest and oldest love he is capable of. Then he looks back up at you, and his expression is steely again.
"Alright, so we need to get out of here as quickly as we can. We don’t engage or negotiate or do anything to draw attention to ourselves. We move tonight if you can and we get the karking hell off this swamp, okay?"
"Okay…"
"But we can’t fly the Crest, so we have to find another way.”
“There’s…there’s a freighter that comes and goes once a day. It takes off at nightfall and returns in the morning. Or at least it used to, I don’t know if…” you take a deep breath to steady yourself into the logic of escape. “It moves back and forth between Nal Hutta and Nar Shaddaa. If we can somehow reach it, stow away on board and get to Nar Shaddaa, we’ll be able to catch a commercial ship from there back towards Nevarro. But…”
“We’d have to get on the freighter undetected,” he finishes.
“Yes, and I don't know if...I don't know if they check...”
"How far is the spaceport?"
"From the palace – north, around five klicks. I don't…I don't know from here.”
He’s already thinking and you can see it, visibly, in his face – the small flicker of the eyes, the small tightening at the jaw, his glove coming off, and his hand coming up to scrub across his mouth as he runs the geometry.
"Five klicks from the palace," he says, low. "From here…call it ten klicks north of us through forest and swamp. With you and her and me with this leg. We’ll have to avoid scouts and reach the port before the freighter goes up…” he nods. “This is doable.”
"Din…"
"This is doable. We will do this, do you hear me?"
"I hear you."
"Alright. I need you to rest now whilst I inventory the locker, pack what we need and only what we need and then we’re going to move, okay?”
You nod, because there’s nothing else to do.
He breathes out and bends his forehead down to yours, staying there a long second as his mouth brushes, soft, across your lips.
"I won’t let any of them near you, I swear it on every creed I have left, mesh'la. On the Way and on the Waters and on every name I have. On my very life. No-one will see your face. No-one will see her face. The Hutts will never know you were ever here and we will be safely on our way back to Nevarro before they ever find this ship. Believe me when I say this.”
“I believe you,” you whisper in return.
He straightens, picks the helmet up and slides it back on.
"Rest," he says through the modulator. "I'll be back as soon as I can once I have everything organised.”
You hold Mira against your chest as he goes about the work of preparing for escape and press your mouth into her head.
"We’re going to get out of here, sweetheart. We’re going to get out of here. Your buir is the best there is and he’s going to get us out of here and you are never going to know the smell of this planet again. I promise you. I promise you."
Mira sleeps on, oblivious, and you close your eyes, and make yourself rest, because he told you to, and because you're going to need every scrap of strength you possess to get out of this nightmare.
Ex boyfriend Joel who broke your heart in the most cruel way, by weaponising your own insecurities and using them against you as a last resort in his efforts to push you away. Who, even though he felt like the lowest piece of shit at the time, kept firm to the belief that this was for the best; you didn't need him and all his demons dragging you down with him. Who almost crumbled right in front of you when he saw the damage his words had done. Who had to summon all of his inner strength to not take you in his arms and tell you he didn't mean any of it as your shocked expression turned into abject devastation, tears streaming down your cheeks, your eyes red and pleading and your voice trembling through heaving breaths. Who walked out of your house without so much as a backward glance, knowing if he turned around now that would be the end of him.
Ex boyfriend Joel who barley slept the night through over the next few months, haunted by the raw look of heartbreak and disbelief plain as day on your face every time he closed his eyes. Who felt and saw the physical toll of guilt on his body; dark under eye circles, headaches, lethargy, loss of appitite, everything he believes he deserves. Who always seems to be able to sense when you are nearby. Who's mind is a jumbled mess of regret, desire, longing and loneliness as he observes you from a distance. Who offers a smile and a nod in your direction when you pass by each other. Who feels his heart clench when the smile you respond with is clearly forced; nothing like the beguiling smile he'd grown to love so much. Who feels adrift and lost without you. Who has to remind himself - when the yearning and pining for you becomes so unbearable, all he wants is to give in to his selfishness and tell you he still loves you - that he's doing this for you, for the life and future that could be possible without him in your way.
Ex boyfriend Joel who always asks Maria how you're doing every time he sees her. Who's keen perception and ability to detect a white lie is sometimes both a blessing and a curse; he knows that she's trying to help you save face but in doing so she's actually confirming his suspicions that you're still not in a good place and it's all because of him. Who doesn't know how to live with the hurt he's caused and hates himself for it. Who's thoughts are constantly revolving around you; what is she doing? Is she looking after herself? Does she miss me? Who takes to sitting on his porch late at night when the absence of your voice, your laugh, your presence becomes overwhelming, strumming his guitar to your favourite tunes; It's the only way he can feel some semblance of a connection to you.
Ex boyfriend Joel who's heart plummets and gut settles with dread when he sees you spending time with one of the patrol men who always had a liking for you. Who's initial instinct is to slam him into the nearest wall and warn him to back off but he knows he has no right anymore. Who hates having to see another man's hand at the small of your back, opening doors for you and whispering things in your ear. Who knows this jealousy is irrational and stupid; after all, the reason he let you go was so you could find someone your own age willing to give you the things you've always wanted, a husband, children, a normal family life.
Ex boyfriend Joel who notices the smiles you give this new guy never seem to reach your eyes. Who sometimes sees the cheery look on your face drop almost instantly when the guy turns away, almost as if you're trying to force yourself to feel something that isn't there. Who sometimes catches you looking at him across the food hall or the bar with the same longing he feels for you. Who's beginning to doubt wether or not he's actually done the right thing. If you're not happy, then what was this all for? Who lately, has been consumed with thoughts of you with his surname, of your belly growing round with a child you've both created; the thoughts bringing a warmth and connectedness to his wretched soul.
Ex boyfriend Joel who after much reflection and contemplation has realised that letting you go was the biggest mistake of his life. Who - when he sees you next - will beg for your forgiveness over his harsh words that weren't even true in the first place, and will do whatever it takes to prove to you that he can and will be the man who can give you what you want, what you need. Who is determined, even if it takes the rest of his days, to win you back. And when he does, he'll never lose you again.
Content Warning: 18+, NSFW, descriptions of domestic abuse and violence, PTSD, age gap: 60s Joel/ 30s Reader, all chapters with smut will be marked as such.
Series can also be found on my AO3.
Chapter One: The Stranger ** Mention of domestic abuse and PTSD
Chapter Two: Hauntings and Healings ** Mention of domestic abuse and PTSD
Chapter Three: Valentine's Day Part One ** Mention of domestic abuse and PTSD
Chapter Four: Valentine's Day Part Two ** Mention of domestic abuse, violence, PTSD, and a touch of smut
Chapter Five: If I Ever Were To Lose You ** Mention of PTSD, violence
Chapter Six: Skin on Skin ** Smutty smut smut
Chapter Seven: Mood Music
Deleted Scene: Lunch Break **Smutty smut smut (Can be read as a standalone)
Chapter Eight: Put the Past Behind You **Smutty smut smut
Plot summary: Your husband’s missing, presumed dead, and you’re falling in love with Joel.
Chapter summary: You tell Matt everything and make your decision.
Warnings: 18+only.
A/N: Thank you for all the kind comments. It’s going to become very awkward…
Masterlist
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You tell Matt all of it, there in the lamplit dark, and you do it the only way you know how to do a thing that hard, which is straight through, no flinching, no softening the edges he's asked you not to soften.
You tell him how it started. How you first saw Joel at the gate that day, how he forced them to let you in and how kind he was afterwards. How he’d been there, at the edges – Tommy's brother, Ellie's guardian, a hard closed-off man everyone was a little wary of yet trusted with their lives. How the two of you had been thrown together by the plain circumstance of the teenagers, Dylan and Ellie falling into their odd, fierce friendship, and the two of you finding yourselves at the same doorways with the same low-grade daily worry of raising kids who've survived too much too young in a world that's still trying to kill them.
"It was that first," you say. "Just…two people with kids who've seen too much. We'd end up on a porch somewhere while they did whatever they were doing inside, and we'd talk. About them, at first, about how much you tell them, how much you let them see. He's…"
Your voice catches.
"He's been through it before. He lost a child, a long time ago, and then he found Ellie, and he understood things about it that nobody else in my life understood. About loving a kid so hard it terrifies you and what it costs to keep them alive out here."
Matt lies very still, listening, his eyes fixed on your face in the low light.
"And it just…it moved. So slow I didn't see it moving."
You make yourself keep looking at him.
“He started fixing things around the house, I mended things for him and Ellie that I treated as favours rather than as part of my work at the shop and the four of us would end up at the same table more nights than not. And somewhere in there it stopped being about the kids and it became about…him. About the fact that he was the person I wanted to tell things to, good and bad. He was the first person I thought of. And I fought it, Matt, I want you to know that. I fought it for a long time, because I still hoped that one day you might come stumbling in here, whole and alive. But then I realised that I needed to let you go, needed to stop fighting it. And by the time I stopped fighting it, it was already the shape of my whole life."
"When?” Matt asks quietly. "When did it…how long has it been?"
“Physically, only a month or so before you came back but, emotionally…”
You hold his eyes because he deserves that.
“That's the…that's the terrible part of the timing. It was new. It was so new. We finally…after all that time of being careful, of me being scared, we finally let it be the whole thing. And we decided…"
And here your voice goes, finally, all the way to pieces, and you have to push the words out through it.
"The day they found you…that night I was going to sit Dylan down and tell him about us. That Joel and I were together and that we wanted to be a family." The tears come hard now. "I was going to tell Dylan he had – not a new father, I'd never have said that, but…someone. Someone who'd chosen him, chosen us. And then Dylan came through the gate screaming that they'd found you and…”
The lamp ticks softly whilst outside the snow falls soundless and endless over the sleeping town.
Matt doesn’t say anything for a long moment. His face has done something you’ve braced for and dreaded. Not anger, but a slow, sinking grief, the look of a man watching the picture he's survived on rearrange itself into a shape that still has a place for him but not the place he's dreamed. His eyes are wet and when he finally speaks his voice is rough, careful and unbearably steady.
"He was wary of me, at the camp. He had a right to be, and I just thought it was because…” he swallows. "When we arrived here, and I was trying so hard not to collapse right in front of you, I noticed that you looked at him. But I thought it was just because you were grateful…”
“I was,” you insist, “of course I was.”
"He brought me home. He found me in that camp, and he put a gun on me and made me prove I was who I said. And then he believed me, and he put me on a horse, brought me back to Jackson and walked me through that gate to my wife and my son knowing…”
His voice cracks.
“Knowing what he was carrying me back to. That he was carrying me straight into the life he'd just…God." He presses the heel of his hand against his eyes. "That's the most decent thing I ever heard of a man doing in this fucked up world. I don’t know if I…”
And you understand, watching your husband grieve for the pain of the man who loves you, exactly what kind of person Matt is, and exactly why you married him once, and exactly why this is so impossibly, unbearably hard. Because there are no villains here, no one to be angry at, no betrayal to point to, no easy shape to any of it. There’s just three good people and a boy, and a world that took a man and then gave him back too late. Everyone doing the most decent thing they can manage in an impossible situation, and the doing of it breaking all of them a little.
"Do you love him?"
You hear how much it costs him to ask it, and you hear that he’s asking it plainly and know you owe him the true answer even though it’s like a knife to your heart.
Yes," you reply softly. "I do. I'm not going to lie to you about it because you'd know. Yes, I love him."
Matt nods slowly as the word lands in him. You watch it land, watch him absorb it the way he must have learned to absorb blows in those two years, taking it into the body, letting it move through, staying standing. His hand finds yours in the dark and holds it, and that gentleness in the middle of his own hurt is almost more than you could bear.
"Okay," he says roughly. "Okay. Thank you for telling me the truth." He breathes, unsteady. "It hurts like hell. I won't pretend it doesn't. I came home to a picture that I’ve been holding onto for two years and the picture has another man in it. That's…"
He stops and swallows.
"But I understand it. That's the thing. I'm lying here and it hurts and I can't even be angry, because what were you supposed to do – wait? You didn't know that I was alive. You had every reason to think I was dead. You grieved me, you did it right, and then you were alive and still young and you had a whole life still to live and you found somebody good…because he is good, isn't he? That's the hell of it, he's obviously a good man…" His voice breaks. "You found somebody good and you let yourself be happy. How could I ever hold that against you? What kind of man comes back from the dead and holds it against his wife that she didn't stay a widow forever?"
You’re crying openly now, and so, silently, is he, the two of you holding hands over the wreckage of it.
"So, here's what I need to know," he says finally, his voice steadying, "and it's the last hard question, and then I'll stop. What do you want? Not what's right. Not what's fair to me or to him or to Dylan. Just…if you could have anything, what do you want?"
And there it is. The question Gail keeps circling. The question you've been running from for weeks. And lying there in the dark with your husband's hand in yours, you make yourself actually look at it, straight on, no flinching.
What you want, if you can have anything, is probably Joel. That’s the plain, honest truth of it and you've known it since the day Matt came home. Your heart had chosen, cleanly, a month before the world ever gave Matt back. If a genie had appeared and offered you the life you were about to build the day of the patrol, you'd have taken it without a breath.
But that isn’t the world you live in. And the question of what you want, you understood now, isn't actually the only question, no matter how much Gail presses you toward it, no matter how much Joel told you to follow your heart. Because you aren’t a single woman with a single heart to please.
You’re a mother.
"I want a lot of things," you say slowly. "And some of them can't all be true at once. So, I have to…I have to tell you the thing I've landed on, the thing I keep landing on no matter how many times I turn it over."
You wipe your face.
"The most important thing to me – more important than what I want, more important than my own heart – is Dylan. That's not a noble thing I'm saying to make this easier, it’s just true. He's the truest thing in my life and he always has been, since the day he was born. And Dylan’s got his father back. He said we're a family again with his whole heart shining out of him, and he's happier than he's been since the world ended, and I will not…"
Your voice hardens as it finds its ground.
"I will not be the one who takes that away from him. I won't tear up my son's family just when it got put back together. I can't. I wouldn't be able to live in my own skin. Whatever I want, I can't want it more than I want him whole."
Matt looks at you, barely breathing.
"So, I want to try," you say, and you make yourself mean it, make the words solid. "I want to try to rebuild what we had, you and me. Slow, like we said. I don't know if we can – two years is two years. We’ve both changed and I won't lie and say my heart's just going to obey me because it doesn't work like that. But love isn't only a feeling, is it? It's a thing you do. It's a choice you make and keep making. I chose you once. I built a life with you, I made a child with you, and you came back to us. Dylan needs his family, and…I want to choose it again. I want to try to build it back. Not because it's the right thing, though it is. Because it's the thing I can live with. Because it's the thing that lets my son keep the family he prayed for."
You squeeze his hand hard.
"That's what I want, Matt. When I actually look at all of it, all of us, and not just my own selfish heart. I want to try to be your family again. If you still want that, knowing what you know now."
Matt’s quiet a long time, and you let him have the silence, because you've just laid a great deal on a man who’s still healing from two years of horror, and he deserves to take his time with it.
"When I was out there," he says finally, "in the worst of it, the thing I held onto wasn't…it wasn't the two of us, exactly. Some nights it was, but mostly it was the family. A table with the three of us at it. Ordinary…nothing special. Just – home. That's the picture. Not you and me specifically, being…" he gestures vaguely at the bed, at the intimacy of an hour ago, "…that. That was part of it, sure, I'm a man and I missed my wife. But the thing that actually kept me breathing was bigger than that. It was the family. It was a safe home for you and Dylan."
His eyes find yours.
"And I've got that. Right now, tonight, I've got exactly that. Dylan, the table, the home, you safe... That's the thing I survived for and I've got it." He draws a breath. "So, if what you're telling me is, the family stays, we try to build it back, we give Dylan his whole home, and maybe over time the rest of it comes back too, or maybe it doesn't and we're just…two people who love the same kid and share a life and are kind to each other, then Christ, that's still so much more than I ever thought I'd get. That's still everything I prayed for. Most of it, anyway."
"Most of it," you echo softly, and you both know what part isn't in there, and neither of you say it.
"Yeah." He gives you a small, sad, real smile. "Most of it. I'd be a greedy fool to turn down most-of-everything because it wasn't all-of-everything. Nobody out here gets all of everything."
He lifts your joined hands and presses his lips to your knuckles.
"So yeah, I want to try. Of course I want to try. I want the family. I want to earn my way back into it, slow, real, no pretending. I want to be Dylan's father at that table for the rest of my life. And I want to be your…whatever we can honestly be to each other, however long it takes to find out what that is. I'll take it. I'll take all of it and be grateful."
You hold each other in the lamplight then, and it’s not the holding of an hour ago. It’s something quieter and more grown, the holding of two people who've just told each other the truth and decided, out of that truth, to build something anyway. And it’s sad – there’s a grief running all through it, for you and for him both – but it’s at least clean and honest. It’s the two of you choosing the family with your eyes open, and that’s worth more.
"There's one more thing," you say, into his shoulder, "and I need to be honest about it too, because if we're doing this, we're doing it with everything on the table."
You pull back to look at him.
"I have to…I have to figure out what things are with Joel now. Because he lives round the corner and this is a small town and I can't just…he's been keeping his distance, being careful, being decent, but I owe him…I owe him a conversation. He deserves to hear it from me, plainly, what I've decided. That I'm choosing the family. That we're going to try. He'd never push, he'd never make it hard for me, he's spent these past weeks standing back so quietly that half the time I…" You stop. "But I can't just let it hang. It's not fair to any of us.”
Matt nods slowly. "What do you want it to be between you and him going forward?"
You think about it – about Joel in his lit doorway, watching you leave. You think about the porches and the coffees and the time spent together. You think about the fact that Ellie and Dylan's friendship isn't going anywhere, that the four of you are braided together whether anyone likes it or not, that this town is too small to disappear a person in. And you think about the thing that will hurt least, over the long run, for all of you.
"Friends," you say finally. "I think…I think we have to just be friends again. Go back to what we were before it became more. He's Ellie's dad and Ellie's Dylan's best friend. That's not going away and it shouldn't because it's good for both of them. And he's Tommy's brother and Tommy's married to Maria and she’s my friend and the whole town's woven together. There's no version where Joel just vanishes out of our lives, and I wouldn't want that anyway. It'd break Dylan's heart to lose Ellie, it would…"
Your voice thickens.
"It would break mine to lose Joel entirely. I don't think I could stand him being nothing to me. So, we go back. We put what happened between us in a box and we close it and we're just people who live in the same town and are kind to each other."
You laugh, and it comes out wet and broken.
"God, listen to me. You said that exact thing. Two people who love the same kid and are kind to each other. Turns out that's what I'm going to have to be with him now too. Kind, and careful, and closed."
"That's going to be hard on both of you,” Matt says gently, “Being that close and just being polite. That's going to be hard for a long time."
"I know."
"Especially on him."
His eyes hold yours, and there’s something almost tender in the way he says it, this strange grace of a man who's come to understand his rival too well to hate him.
"He doesn't get the family. You and me, we've got Dylan and a whole life to fill up the space. He goes home to Ellie and that's it. And Ellie's half grown and half out the door already, off with Dylan and their other friends most nights. He brought me home and he goes back to an empty house, and he watches you build the thing he wanted whilst being polite. That's…"
He shakes his head slowly.
"I don't envy any part of what that man's carrying. I hope to God he's got something - finds someone. I hope he doesn't just…sit in it alone."
And that undoes you completely. That your husband, in the middle of his own hurt, can grieve for Joel's loneliness. You turn your face into Matt's shoulder and weep, for all of it, for the three of you, for the impossible tangle of good people and bad timing and a world that gave back what it took only after you'd already learned to live without it.
Matt holds you while you cry. He strokes your hair, slow, the way he used to, and he doesn’t say anything, because there isn’t anything to say. After a while the worst of it passes and you lie quiet against him, hollowed out and strangely lighter, the way you're lighter after you've finally set down a thing you've been carrying too long.
"I'll talk to him," you say eventually, into the dark. "After Christmas, I’ll talk to him. Maria’s going to invite us for dinner on Friday, I know she will and I know that’ll be hard, but I don’t want to…I can’t …not before that. He deserves to hear the truth from me, all of it, but not before Christmas Day."
You swallow.
"He'll say yes to just being friends. He'll be gracious about it, because he's always gracious and he'll probably make it easier on me than I have any right to. And it'll cost him everything and he won't let me see it cost him a thing. That's who he is."
Your voice breaks one last time.
"That's the man I'm giving up so that our son can keep his family. And I think it might be the right thing, and I think it might be the hardest thing I've ever done, and I think both of those are true at the same time, the way everything's been true at the same time since you came home."
"Both things are true," Matt agrees softly, and there’s a strange comfort in that, in not being alone in the impossible arithmetic of it anymore.
You lie together as the lamp burns down and the snow comes soundless over the square with its great tree, over the shop, over the streets you've walked in the dark, over a house around the corner where a man’s lying awake with a loss he'll never once complain of, and over your own house, where a family is being chosen, deliberately, out of love and grief and the plain, hard needs of a sixteen year old boy. And where two people are finally, quietly, beginning the long work of building something honest back out of the ruins.
It isn’t the life you'd choose, if choosing was free. But choosing is never free. Joel taught you that, without ever meaning to – that you take what the world lets you keep, and you brace for the rest, and you love the people in front of you as best you can with whatever heart you have left. So, you’ll take this. The family. The trying. And you’ll carry the other thing in its closed box, quietly, for the rest of your life, the way Joel will carry his. Two people being kind, being careful, being closed, having given each other up so that an innocent boy can keep the one impossible good thing the world has ever handed him back.
In the morning there will be the ordinary, blessed noise of a family. In the morning you’ll begin. But tonight you lie in the dark with your husband and grieve, cleanly, honestly, for the road not taken, and let yourself feel all of it, the whole torn tangled truth of a heart that has loved twice and can only, in the end, keep one of them whole – and you choose, again, with your eyes open, the one that lets your son keep his father.
And you try not to think about what you know is going to be the singularly most awkward Christmas Day that you’ve ever experienced - even in a post-apocalyptic world.
Plot summary: Your husband’s missing, presumed dead, and you’re falling in love with Joel.
Chapter summary: You tell Matt everything and make your decision.
Warnings: 18+only.
A/N: Thank you for all the kind comments. It’s going to become very awkward…
Masterlist
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You tell Matt all of it, there in the lamplit dark, and you do it the only way you know how to do a thing that hard, which is straight through, no flinching, no softening the edges he's asked you not to soften.
You tell him how it started. How you first saw Joel at the gate that day, how he forced them to let you in and how kind he was afterwards. How he’d been there, at the edges – Tommy's brother, Ellie's guardian, a hard closed-off man everyone was a little wary of yet trusted with their lives. How the two of you had been thrown together by the plain circumstance of the teenagers, Dylan and Ellie falling into their odd, fierce friendship, and the two of you finding yourselves at the same doorways with the same low-grade daily worry of raising kids who've survived too much too young in a world that's still trying to kill them.
"It was that first," you say. "Just…two people with kids who've seen too much. We'd end up on a porch somewhere while they did whatever they were doing inside, and we'd talk. About them, at first, about how much you tell them, how much you let them see. He's…"
Your voice catches.
"He's been through it before. He lost a child, a long time ago, and then he found Ellie, and he understood things about it that nobody else in my life understood. About loving a kid so hard it terrifies you and what it costs to keep them alive out here."
Matt lies very still, listening, his eyes fixed on your face in the low light.
"And it just…it moved. So slow I didn't see it moving."
You make yourself keep looking at him.
“He started fixing things around the house, I mended things for him and Ellie that I treated as favours rather than as part of my work at the shop and the four of us would end up at the same table more nights than not. And somewhere in there it stopped being about the kids and it became about…him. About the fact that he was the person I wanted to tell things to, good and bad. He was the first person I thought of. And I fought it, Matt, I want you to know that. I fought it for a long time, because I still hoped that one day you might come stumbling in here, whole and alive. But then I realised that I needed to let you go, needed to stop fighting it. And by the time I stopped fighting it, it was already the shape of my whole life."
"When?” Matt asks quietly. "When did it…how long has it been?"
“Physically, only a month or so before you came back but, emotionally…”
You hold his eyes because he deserves that.
“That's the…that's the terrible part of the timing. It was new. It was so new. We finally…after all that time of being careful, of me being scared, we finally let it be the whole thing. And we decided…"
And here your voice goes, finally, all the way to pieces, and you have to push the words out through it.
"The day they found you…that night I was going to sit Dylan down and tell him about us. That Joel and I were together and that we wanted to be a family." The tears come hard now. "I was going to tell Dylan he had – not a new father, I'd never have said that, but…someone. Someone who'd chosen him, chosen us. And then Dylan came through the gate screaming that they'd found you and…”
The lamp ticks softly whilst outside the snow falls soundless and endless over the sleeping town.
Matt doesn’t say anything for a long moment. His face has done something you’ve braced for and dreaded. Not anger, but a slow, sinking grief, the look of a man watching the picture he's survived on rearrange itself into a shape that still has a place for him but not the place he's dreamed. His eyes are wet and when he finally speaks his voice is rough, careful and unbearably steady.
"He was wary of me, at the camp. He had a right to be, and I just thought it was because…” he swallows. "When we arrived here, and I was trying so hard not to collapse right in front of you, I noticed that you looked at him. But I thought it was just because you were grateful…”
“I was,” you insist, “of course I was.”
"He brought me home. He found me in that camp, and he put a gun on me and made me prove I was who I said. And then he believed me, and he put me on a horse, brought me back to Jackson and walked me through that gate to my wife and my son knowing…”
His voice cracks.
“Knowing what he was carrying me back to. That he was carrying me straight into the life he'd just…God." He presses the heel of his hand against his eyes. "That's the most decent thing I ever heard of a man doing in this fucked up world. I don’t know if I…”
And you understand, watching your husband grieve for the pain of the man who loves you, exactly what kind of person Matt is, and exactly why you married him once, and exactly why this is so impossibly, unbearably hard. Because there are no villains here, no one to be angry at, no betrayal to point to, no easy shape to any of it. There’s just three good people and a boy, and a world that took a man and then gave him back too late. Everyone doing the most decent thing they can manage in an impossible situation, and the doing of it breaking all of them a little.
"Do you love him?"
You hear how much it costs him to ask it, and you hear that he’s asking it plainly and know you owe him the true answer even though it’s like a knife to your heart.
Yes," you reply softly. "I do. I'm not going to lie to you about it because you'd know. Yes, I love him."
Matt nods slowly as the word lands in him. You watch it land, watch him absorb it the way he must have learned to absorb blows in those two years, taking it into the body, letting it move through, staying standing. His hand finds yours in the dark and holds it, and that gentleness in the middle of his own hurt is almost more than you could bear.
"Okay," he says roughly. "Okay. Thank you for telling me the truth." He breathes, unsteady. "It hurts like hell. I won't pretend it doesn't. I came home to a picture that I’ve been holding onto for two years and the picture has another man in it. That's…"
He stops and swallows.
"But I understand it. That's the thing. I'm lying here and it hurts and I can't even be angry, because what were you supposed to do – wait? You didn't know that I was alive. You had every reason to think I was dead. You grieved me, you did it right, and then you were alive and still young and you had a whole life still to live and you found somebody good…because he is good, isn't he? That's the hell of it, he's obviously a good man…" His voice breaks. "You found somebody good and you let yourself be happy. How could I ever hold that against you? What kind of man comes back from the dead and holds it against his wife that she didn't stay a widow forever?"
You’re crying openly now, and so, silently, is he, the two of you holding hands over the wreckage of it.
"So, here's what I need to know," he says finally, his voice steadying, "and it's the last hard question, and then I'll stop. What do you want? Not what's right. Not what's fair to me or to him or to Dylan. Just…if you could have anything, what do you want?"
And there it is. The question Gail keeps circling. The question you've been running from for weeks. And lying there in the dark with your husband's hand in yours, you make yourself actually look at it, straight on, no flinching.
What you want, if you can have anything, is probably Joel. That’s the plain, honest truth of it and you've known it since the day Matt came home. Your heart had chosen, cleanly, a month before the world ever gave Matt back. If a genie had appeared and offered you the life you were about to build the day of the patrol, you'd have taken it without a breath.
But that isn’t the world you live in. And the question of what you want, you understood now, isn't actually the only question, no matter how much Gail presses you toward it, no matter how much Joel told you to follow your heart. Because you aren’t a single woman with a single heart to please.
You’re a mother.
"I want a lot of things," you say slowly. "And some of them can't all be true at once. So, I have to…I have to tell you the thing I've landed on, the thing I keep landing on no matter how many times I turn it over."
You wipe your face.
"The most important thing to me – more important than what I want, more important than my own heart – is Dylan. That's not a noble thing I'm saying to make this easier, it’s just true. He's the truest thing in my life and he always has been, since the day he was born. And Dylan’s got his father back. He said we're a family again with his whole heart shining out of him, and he's happier than he's been since the world ended, and I will not…"
Your voice hardens as it finds its ground.
"I will not be the one who takes that away from him. I won't tear up my son's family just when it got put back together. I can't. I wouldn't be able to live in my own skin. Whatever I want, I can't want it more than I want him whole."
Matt looks at you, barely breathing.
"So, I want to try," you say, and you make yourself mean it, make the words solid. "I want to try to rebuild what we had, you and me. Slow, like we said. I don't know if we can – two years is two years. We’ve both changed and I won't lie and say my heart's just going to obey me because it doesn't work like that. But love isn't only a feeling, is it? It's a thing you do. It's a choice you make and keep making. I chose you once. I built a life with you, I made a child with you, and you came back to us. Dylan needs his family, and…I want to choose it again. I want to try to build it back. Not because it's the right thing, though it is. Because it's the thing I can live with. Because it's the thing that lets my son keep the family he prayed for."
You squeeze his hand hard.
"That's what I want, Matt. When I actually look at all of it, all of us, and not just my own selfish heart. I want to try to be your family again. If you still want that, knowing what you know now."
Matt’s quiet a long time, and you let him have the silence, because you've just laid a great deal on a man who’s still healing from two years of horror, and he deserves to take his time with it.
"When I was out there," he says finally, "in the worst of it, the thing I held onto wasn't…it wasn't the two of us, exactly. Some nights it was, but mostly it was the family. A table with the three of us at it. Ordinary…nothing special. Just – home. That's the picture. Not you and me specifically, being…" he gestures vaguely at the bed, at the intimacy of an hour ago, "…that. That was part of it, sure, I'm a man and I missed my wife. But the thing that actually kept me breathing was bigger than that. It was the family. It was a safe home for you and Dylan."
His eyes find yours.
"And I've got that. Right now, tonight, I've got exactly that. Dylan, the table, the home, you safe... That's the thing I survived for and I've got it." He draws a breath. "So, if what you're telling me is, the family stays, we try to build it back, we give Dylan his whole home, and maybe over time the rest of it comes back too, or maybe it doesn't and we're just…two people who love the same kid and share a life and are kind to each other, then Christ, that's still so much more than I ever thought I'd get. That's still everything I prayed for. Most of it, anyway."
"Most of it," you echo softly, and you both know what part isn't in there, and neither of you say it.
"Yeah." He gives you a small, sad, real smile. "Most of it. I'd be a greedy fool to turn down most-of-everything because it wasn't all-of-everything. Nobody out here gets all of everything."
He lifts your joined hands and presses his lips to your knuckles.
"So yeah, I want to try. Of course I want to try. I want the family. I want to earn my way back into it, slow, real, no pretending. I want to be Dylan's father at that table for the rest of my life. And I want to be your…whatever we can honestly be to each other, however long it takes to find out what that is. I'll take it. I'll take all of it and be grateful."
You hold each other in the lamplight then, and it’s not the holding of an hour ago. It’s something quieter and more grown, the holding of two people who've just told each other the truth and decided, out of that truth, to build something anyway. And it’s sad – there’s a grief running all through it, for you and for him both – but it’s at least clean and honest. It’s the two of you choosing the family with your eyes open, and that’s worth more.
"There's one more thing," you say, into his shoulder, "and I need to be honest about it too, because if we're doing this, we're doing it with everything on the table."
You pull back to look at him.
"I have to…I have to figure out what things are with Joel now. Because he lives round the corner and this is a small town and I can't just…he's been keeping his distance, being careful, being decent, but I owe him…I owe him a conversation. He deserves to hear it from me, plainly, what I've decided. That I'm choosing the family. That we're going to try. He'd never push, he'd never make it hard for me, he's spent these past weeks standing back so quietly that half the time I…" You stop. "But I can't just let it hang. It's not fair to any of us.”
Matt nods slowly. "What do you want it to be between you and him going forward?"
You think about it – about Joel in his lit doorway, watching you leave. You think about the porches and the coffees and the time spent together. You think about the fact that Ellie and Dylan's friendship isn't going anywhere, that the four of you are braided together whether anyone likes it or not, that this town is too small to disappear a person in. And you think about the thing that will hurt least, over the long run, for all of you.
"Friends," you say finally. "I think…I think we have to just be friends again. Go back to what we were before it became more. He's Ellie's dad and Ellie's Dylan's best friend. That's not going away and it shouldn't because it's good for both of them. And he's Tommy's brother and Tommy's married to Maria and she’s my friend and the whole town's woven together. There's no version where Joel just vanishes out of our lives, and I wouldn't want that anyway. It'd break Dylan's heart to lose Ellie, it would…"
Your voice thickens.
"It would break mine to lose Joel entirely. I don't think I could stand him being nothing to me. So, we go back. We put what happened between us in a box and we close it and we're just people who live in the same town and are kind to each other."
You laugh, and it comes out wet and broken.
"God, listen to me. You said that exact thing. Two people who love the same kid and are kind to each other. Turns out that's what I'm going to have to be with him now too. Kind, and careful, and closed."
"That's going to be hard on both of you,” Matt says gently, “Being that close and just being polite. That's going to be hard for a long time."
"I know."
"Especially on him."
His eyes hold yours, and there’s something almost tender in the way he says it, this strange grace of a man who's come to understand his rival too well to hate him.
"He doesn't get the family. You and me, we've got Dylan and a whole life to fill up the space. He goes home to Ellie and that's it. And Ellie's half grown and half out the door already, off with Dylan and their other friends most nights. He brought me home and he goes back to an empty house, and he watches you build the thing he wanted whilst being polite. That's…"
He shakes his head slowly.
"I don't envy any part of what that man's carrying. I hope to God he's got something - finds someone. I hope he doesn't just…sit in it alone."
And that undoes you completely. That your husband, in the middle of his own hurt, can grieve for Joel's loneliness. You turn your face into Matt's shoulder and weep, for all of it, for the three of you, for the impossible tangle of good people and bad timing and a world that gave back what it took only after you'd already learned to live without it.
Matt holds you while you cry. He strokes your hair, slow, the way he used to, and he doesn’t say anything, because there isn’t anything to say. After a while the worst of it passes and you lie quiet against him, hollowed out and strangely lighter, the way you're lighter after you've finally set down a thing you've been carrying too long.
"I'll talk to him," you say eventually, into the dark. "After Christmas, I’ll talk to him. Maria’s going to invite us for dinner on Friday, I know she will and I know that’ll be hard, but I don’t want to…I can’t …not before that. He deserves to hear the truth from me, all of it, but not before Christmas Day."
You swallow.
"He'll say yes to just being friends. He'll be gracious about it, because he's always gracious and he'll probably make it easier on me than I have any right to. And it'll cost him everything and he won't let me see it cost him a thing. That's who he is."
Your voice breaks one last time.
"That's the man I'm giving up so that our son can keep his family. And I think it might be the right thing, and I think it might be the hardest thing I've ever done, and I think both of those are true at the same time, the way everything's been true at the same time since you came home."
"Both things are true," Matt agrees softly, and there’s a strange comfort in that, in not being alone in the impossible arithmetic of it anymore.
You lie together as the lamp burns down and the snow comes soundless over the square with its great tree, over the shop, over the streets you've walked in the dark, over a house around the corner where a man’s lying awake with a loss he'll never once complain of, and over your own house, where a family is being chosen, deliberately, out of love and grief and the plain, hard needs of a sixteen year old boy. And where two people are finally, quietly, beginning the long work of building something honest back out of the ruins.
It isn’t the life you'd choose, if choosing was free. But choosing is never free. Joel taught you that, without ever meaning to – that you take what the world lets you keep, and you brace for the rest, and you love the people in front of you as best you can with whatever heart you have left. So, you’ll take this. The family. The trying. And you’ll carry the other thing in its closed box, quietly, for the rest of your life, the way Joel will carry his. Two people being kind, being careful, being closed, having given each other up so that an innocent boy can keep the one impossible good thing the world has ever handed him back.
In the morning there will be the ordinary, blessed noise of a family. In the morning you’ll begin. But tonight you lie in the dark with your husband and grieve, cleanly, honestly, for the road not taken, and let yourself feel all of it, the whole torn tangled truth of a heart that has loved twice and can only, in the end, keep one of them whole – and you choose, again, with your eyes open, the one that lets your son keep his father.
And you try not to think about what you know is going to be the singularly most awkward Christmas Day that you’ve ever experienced - even in a post-apocalyptic world.
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Plot summary: Your husband’s missing, presumed dead, and you’re falling in love with Joel.
Chapter summary: You tell Matt everything and make your decision.
Warnings: 18+only.
A/N: Thank you for all the kind comments. It’s going to become very awkward…
Masterlist
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You tell Matt all of it, there in the lamplit dark, and you do it the only way you know how to do a thing that hard, which is straight through, no flinching, no softening the edges he's asked you not to soften.
You tell him how it started. How you first saw Joel at the gate that day, how he forced them to let you in and how kind he was afterwards. How he’d been there, at the edges – Tommy's brother, Ellie's guardian, a hard closed-off man everyone was a little wary of yet trusted with their lives. How the two of you had been thrown together by the plain circumstance of the teenagers, Dylan and Ellie falling into their odd, fierce friendship, and the two of you finding yourselves at the same doorways with the same low-grade daily worry of raising kids who've survived too much too young in a world that's still trying to kill them.
"It was that first," you say. "Just…two people with kids who've seen too much. We'd end up on a porch somewhere while they did whatever they were doing inside, and we'd talk. About them, at first, about how much you tell them, how much you let them see. He's…"
Your voice catches.
"He's been through it before. He lost a child, a long time ago, and then he found Ellie, and he understood things about it that nobody else in my life understood. About loving a kid so hard it terrifies you and what it costs to keep them alive out here."
Matt lies very still, listening, his eyes fixed on your face in the low light.
"And it just…it moved. So slow I didn't see it moving."
You make yourself keep looking at him.
“He started fixing things around the house, I mended things for him and Ellie that I treated as favours rather than as part of my work at the shop and the four of us would end up at the same table more nights than not. And somewhere in there it stopped being about the kids and it became about…him. About the fact that he was the person I wanted to tell things to, good and bad. He was the first person I thought of. And I fought it, Matt, I want you to know that. I fought it for a long time, because I still hoped that one day you might come stumbling in here, whole and alive. But then I realised that I needed to let you go, needed to stop fighting it. And by the time I stopped fighting it, it was already the shape of my whole life."
"When?” Matt asks quietly. "When did it…how long has it been?"
“Physically, only a month or so before you came back but, emotionally…”
You hold his eyes because he deserves that.
“That's the…that's the terrible part of the timing. It was new. It was so new. We finally…after all that time of being careful, of me being scared, we finally let it be the whole thing. And we decided…"
And here your voice goes, finally, all the way to pieces, and you have to push the words out through it.
"The day they found you…that night I was going to sit Dylan down and tell him about us. That Joel and I were together and that we wanted to be a family." The tears come hard now. "I was going to tell Dylan he had – not a new father, I'd never have said that, but…someone. Someone who'd chosen him, chosen us. And then Dylan came through the gate screaming that they'd found you and…”
The lamp ticks softly whilst outside the snow falls soundless and endless over the sleeping town.
Matt doesn’t say anything for a long moment. His face has done something you’ve braced for and dreaded. Not anger, but a slow, sinking grief, the look of a man watching the picture he's survived on rearrange itself into a shape that still has a place for him but not the place he's dreamed. His eyes are wet and when he finally speaks his voice is rough, careful and unbearably steady.
"He was wary of me, at the camp. He had a right to be, and I just thought it was because…” he swallows. "When we arrived here, and I was trying so hard not to collapse right in front of you, I noticed that you looked at him. But I thought it was just because you were grateful…”
“I was,” you insist, “of course I was.”
"He brought me home. He found me in that camp, and he put a gun on me and made me prove I was who I said. And then he believed me, and he put me on a horse, brought me back to Jackson and walked me through that gate to my wife and my son knowing…”
His voice cracks.
“Knowing what he was carrying me back to. That he was carrying me straight into the life he'd just…God." He presses the heel of his hand against his eyes. "That's the most decent thing I ever heard of a man doing in this fucked up world. I don’t know if I…”
And you understand, watching your husband grieve for the pain of the man who loves you, exactly what kind of person Matt is, and exactly why you married him once, and exactly why this is so impossibly, unbearably hard. Because there are no villains here, no one to be angry at, no betrayal to point to, no easy shape to any of it. There’s just three good people and a boy, and a world that took a man and then gave him back too late. Everyone doing the most decent thing they can manage in an impossible situation, and the doing of it breaking all of them a little.
"Do you love him?"
You hear how much it costs him to ask it, and you hear that he’s asking it plainly and know you owe him the true answer even though it’s like a knife to your heart.
Yes," you reply softly. "I do. I'm not going to lie to you about it because you'd know. Yes, I love him."
Matt nods slowly as the word lands in him. You watch it land, watch him absorb it the way he must have learned to absorb blows in those two years, taking it into the body, letting it move through, staying standing. His hand finds yours in the dark and holds it, and that gentleness in the middle of his own hurt is almost more than you could bear.
"Okay," he says roughly. "Okay. Thank you for telling me the truth." He breathes, unsteady. "It hurts like hell. I won't pretend it doesn't. I came home to a picture that I’ve been holding onto for two years and the picture has another man in it. That's…"
He stops and swallows.
"But I understand it. That's the thing. I'm lying here and it hurts and I can't even be angry, because what were you supposed to do – wait? You didn't know that I was alive. You had every reason to think I was dead. You grieved me, you did it right, and then you were alive and still young and you had a whole life still to live and you found somebody good…because he is good, isn't he? That's the hell of it, he's obviously a good man…" His voice breaks. "You found somebody good and you let yourself be happy. How could I ever hold that against you? What kind of man comes back from the dead and holds it against his wife that she didn't stay a widow forever?"
You’re crying openly now, and so, silently, is he, the two of you holding hands over the wreckage of it.
"So, here's what I need to know," he says finally, his voice steadying, "and it's the last hard question, and then I'll stop. What do you want? Not what's right. Not what's fair to me or to him or to Dylan. Just…if you could have anything, what do you want?"
And there it is. The question Gail keeps circling. The question you've been running from for weeks. And lying there in the dark with your husband's hand in yours, you make yourself actually look at it, straight on, no flinching.
What you want, if you can have anything, is probably Joel. That’s the plain, honest truth of it and you've known it since the day Matt came home. Your heart had chosen, cleanly, a month before the world ever gave Matt back. If a genie had appeared and offered you the life you were about to build the day of the patrol, you'd have taken it without a breath.
But that isn’t the world you live in. And the question of what you want, you understood now, isn't actually the only question, no matter how much Gail presses you toward it, no matter how much Joel told you to follow your heart. Because you aren’t a single woman with a single heart to please.
You’re a mother.
"I want a lot of things," you say slowly. "And some of them can't all be true at once. So, I have to…I have to tell you the thing I've landed on, the thing I keep landing on no matter how many times I turn it over."
You wipe your face.
"The most important thing to me – more important than what I want, more important than my own heart – is Dylan. That's not a noble thing I'm saying to make this easier, it’s just true. He's the truest thing in my life and he always has been, since the day he was born. And Dylan’s got his father back. He said we're a family again with his whole heart shining out of him, and he's happier than he's been since the world ended, and I will not…"
Your voice hardens as it finds its ground.
"I will not be the one who takes that away from him. I won't tear up my son's family just when it got put back together. I can't. I wouldn't be able to live in my own skin. Whatever I want, I can't want it more than I want him whole."
Matt looks at you, barely breathing.
"So, I want to try," you say, and you make yourself mean it, make the words solid. "I want to try to rebuild what we had, you and me. Slow, like we said. I don't know if we can – two years is two years. We’ve both changed and I won't lie and say my heart's just going to obey me because it doesn't work like that. But love isn't only a feeling, is it? It's a thing you do. It's a choice you make and keep making. I chose you once. I built a life with you, I made a child with you, and you came back to us. Dylan needs his family, and…I want to choose it again. I want to try to build it back. Not because it's the right thing, though it is. Because it's the thing I can live with. Because it's the thing that lets my son keep the family he prayed for."
You squeeze his hand hard.
"That's what I want, Matt. When I actually look at all of it, all of us, and not just my own selfish heart. I want to try to be your family again. If you still want that, knowing what you know now."
Matt’s quiet a long time, and you let him have the silence, because you've just laid a great deal on a man who’s still healing from two years of horror, and he deserves to take his time with it.
"When I was out there," he says finally, "in the worst of it, the thing I held onto wasn't…it wasn't the two of us, exactly. Some nights it was, but mostly it was the family. A table with the three of us at it. Ordinary…nothing special. Just – home. That's the picture. Not you and me specifically, being…" he gestures vaguely at the bed, at the intimacy of an hour ago, "…that. That was part of it, sure, I'm a man and I missed my wife. But the thing that actually kept me breathing was bigger than that. It was the family. It was a safe home for you and Dylan."
His eyes find yours.
"And I've got that. Right now, tonight, I've got exactly that. Dylan, the table, the home, you safe... That's the thing I survived for and I've got it." He draws a breath. "So, if what you're telling me is, the family stays, we try to build it back, we give Dylan his whole home, and maybe over time the rest of it comes back too, or maybe it doesn't and we're just…two people who love the same kid and share a life and are kind to each other, then Christ, that's still so much more than I ever thought I'd get. That's still everything I prayed for. Most of it, anyway."
"Most of it," you echo softly, and you both know what part isn't in there, and neither of you say it.
"Yeah." He gives you a small, sad, real smile. "Most of it. I'd be a greedy fool to turn down most-of-everything because it wasn't all-of-everything. Nobody out here gets all of everything."
He lifts your joined hands and presses his lips to your knuckles.
"So yeah, I want to try. Of course I want to try. I want the family. I want to earn my way back into it, slow, real, no pretending. I want to be Dylan's father at that table for the rest of my life. And I want to be your…whatever we can honestly be to each other, however long it takes to find out what that is. I'll take it. I'll take all of it and be grateful."
You hold each other in the lamplight then, and it’s not the holding of an hour ago. It’s something quieter and more grown, the holding of two people who've just told each other the truth and decided, out of that truth, to build something anyway. And it’s sad – there’s a grief running all through it, for you and for him both – but it’s at least clean and honest. It’s the two of you choosing the family with your eyes open, and that’s worth more.
"There's one more thing," you say, into his shoulder, "and I need to be honest about it too, because if we're doing this, we're doing it with everything on the table."
You pull back to look at him.
"I have to…I have to figure out what things are with Joel now. Because he lives round the corner and this is a small town and I can't just…he's been keeping his distance, being careful, being decent, but I owe him…I owe him a conversation. He deserves to hear it from me, plainly, what I've decided. That I'm choosing the family. That we're going to try. He'd never push, he'd never make it hard for me, he's spent these past weeks standing back so quietly that half the time I…" You stop. "But I can't just let it hang. It's not fair to any of us.”
Matt nods slowly. "What do you want it to be between you and him going forward?"
You think about it – about Joel in his lit doorway, watching you leave. You think about the porches and the coffees and the time spent together. You think about the fact that Ellie and Dylan's friendship isn't going anywhere, that the four of you are braided together whether anyone likes it or not, that this town is too small to disappear a person in. And you think about the thing that will hurt least, over the long run, for all of you.
"Friends," you say finally. "I think…I think we have to just be friends again. Go back to what we were before it became more. He's Ellie's dad and Ellie's Dylan's best friend. That's not going away and it shouldn't because it's good for both of them. And he's Tommy's brother and Tommy's married to Maria and she’s my friend and the whole town's woven together. There's no version where Joel just vanishes out of our lives, and I wouldn't want that anyway. It'd break Dylan's heart to lose Ellie, it would…"
Your voice thickens.
"It would break mine to lose Joel entirely. I don't think I could stand him being nothing to me. So, we go back. We put what happened between us in a box and we close it and we're just people who live in the same town and are kind to each other."
You laugh, and it comes out wet and broken.
"God, listen to me. You said that exact thing. Two people who love the same kid and are kind to each other. Turns out that's what I'm going to have to be with him now too. Kind, and careful, and closed."
"That's going to be hard on both of you,” Matt says gently, “Being that close and just being polite. That's going to be hard for a long time."
"I know."
"Especially on him."
His eyes hold yours, and there’s something almost tender in the way he says it, this strange grace of a man who's come to understand his rival too well to hate him.
"He doesn't get the family. You and me, we've got Dylan and a whole life to fill up the space. He goes home to Ellie and that's it. And Ellie's half grown and half out the door already, off with Dylan and their other friends most nights. He brought me home and he goes back to an empty house, and he watches you build the thing he wanted whilst being polite. That's…"
He shakes his head slowly.
"I don't envy any part of what that man's carrying. I hope to God he's got something - finds someone. I hope he doesn't just…sit in it alone."
And that undoes you completely. That your husband, in the middle of his own hurt, can grieve for Joel's loneliness. You turn your face into Matt's shoulder and weep, for all of it, for the three of you, for the impossible tangle of good people and bad timing and a world that gave back what it took only after you'd already learned to live without it.
Matt holds you while you cry. He strokes your hair, slow, the way he used to, and he doesn’t say anything, because there isn’t anything to say. After a while the worst of it passes and you lie quiet against him, hollowed out and strangely lighter, the way you're lighter after you've finally set down a thing you've been carrying too long.
"I'll talk to him," you say eventually, into the dark. "After Christmas, I’ll talk to him. Maria’s going to invite us for dinner on Friday, I know she will and I know that’ll be hard, but I don’t want to…I can’t …not before that. He deserves to hear the truth from me, all of it, but not before Christmas Day."
You swallow.
"He'll say yes to just being friends. He'll be gracious about it, because he's always gracious and he'll probably make it easier on me than I have any right to. And it'll cost him everything and he won't let me see it cost him a thing. That's who he is."
Your voice breaks one last time.
"That's the man I'm giving up so that our son can keep his family. And I think it might be the right thing, and I think it might be the hardest thing I've ever done, and I think both of those are true at the same time, the way everything's been true at the same time since you came home."
"Both things are true," Matt agrees softly, and there’s a strange comfort in that, in not being alone in the impossible arithmetic of it anymore.
You lie together as the lamp burns down and the snow comes soundless over the square with its great tree, over the shop, over the streets you've walked in the dark, over a house around the corner where a man’s lying awake with a loss he'll never once complain of, and over your own house, where a family is being chosen, deliberately, out of love and grief and the plain, hard needs of a sixteen year old boy. And where two people are finally, quietly, beginning the long work of building something honest back out of the ruins.
It isn’t the life you'd choose, if choosing was free. But choosing is never free. Joel taught you that, without ever meaning to – that you take what the world lets you keep, and you brace for the rest, and you love the people in front of you as best you can with whatever heart you have left. So, you’ll take this. The family. The trying. And you’ll carry the other thing in its closed box, quietly, for the rest of your life, the way Joel will carry his. Two people being kind, being careful, being closed, having given each other up so that an innocent boy can keep the one impossible good thing the world has ever handed him back.
In the morning there will be the ordinary, blessed noise of a family. In the morning you’ll begin. But tonight you lie in the dark with your husband and grieve, cleanly, honestly, for the road not taken, and let yourself feel all of it, the whole torn tangled truth of a heart that has loved twice and can only, in the end, keep one of them whole – and you choose, again, with your eyes open, the one that lets your son keep his father.
And you try not to think about what you know is going to be the singularly most awkward Christmas Day that you’ve ever experienced - even in a post-apocalyptic world.
After Carrillo’s death, Javi shuts himself away with a bottle and enough guilt to drown in. You refuse to let him push you out, even when comfort turns into something messier, needier, and far more intimate. Nothing gets fixed that night, but for once, he lets you stay.
I really just wanted to give Javi some comfort because he desperately needed it in this scene. But this is still S2 Javi, and we all know sex is one of his favorite coping mechanisms, so… this happened. Realistically, I would’ve wrapped him in a blanket and squeezed him like a sad little teddy bear until he stopped blaming himself, but apparently he had other plans.
Pairing: S2 Javi Peña x f!reader
Warnings: explicit sexual content, kissing, handjob, spit as lubricant, vaginal sex, unprotected sex, creampie, rough/desperate sex, hair pulling, sex on a chair, sex used as an emotional coping mechanism, consensual sex while Javi has been drinking, alcohol use, grief, canon character death (Carillo), guilt, intense self-blame, trauma, emotional breakdown, yelling, verbal aggression, self-destructive behavior, references to past violence and death // Javi desperately needs a hug, Javi refuses the hug and chooses sex instead, emotional constipation, catastrophic guilt spiral, whiskey-flavored bad decisions, the world’s saddest horny man, Javi being Javi, reader refuses to leave, someone please wrap this man in a blanket!!
w/c: 6k • javi fic masterlist • taglist form
“Javi?” you called softly, knocking on the door. You didn’t exactly wait for an answer, though. You knew you weren’t going to get one.
Javi was so deep in his own head, drowning in guilt, that he didn’t want to let anyone near him. For one thing, you’d known him long enough to recognize when he got like this.
And for another, you’d run into Messina in the hallway just as she was leaving his room. She’d only shaken her head and said something about there being no point trying. Almost like she meant there was no point trying to comfort him. Or talk him out of blaming himself.
You knew she hadn’t meant anything bad by it. From what you could tell, she genuinely liked Javi. As her subordinate, of course.
Still, it pissed you off. It felt like everyone had already given up, like none of it really mattered because Peña would get over it eventually. But you didn’t think that way. Not when it came to him. So you walked in without waiting to be invited.
“Fuck, what now? I already said I don’t wanna talk about it,” Javi snapped. That told you he hadn’t even heard your voice when you knocked. He clearly thought Messina had come back. Then he finally looked toward the door.
You saw his body go a little tense when he realized it was you. He hadn’t expected to see you. Not now, not like this. Not even tonight. You hadn’t made any plans to meet. “What are you doing here?” was all he asked.
He was sitting in the chair behind his desk. In front of him sat a half-empty bottle of whiskey, or whatever the hell it was, and a glass that had already been mostly drained.
You found yourself hoping the bottle hadn’t been full when he opened it. He didn’t look drunk, but the last thing he needed right now, while he was blaming himself for everything, was to get completely wasted on top of it.
“I heard what happened.” You slowly walked farther into the room, heading toward the desk. Files were scattered across it, his gun resting on top of them. A small lamp gave off a weak yellow glow. You stopped in front of him.
You didn’t know whether you should touch him. God, you wanted to. But you knew him.
He was too far inside his own head right now, buried under everything he thought he’d done wrong.
If you reached for him or tried to hug him, you’d only make him pull away. He’d shut down before you got anything out of him.
So instead, you slowly sat on the arm of the chair across from him, moving his denim jacket out of the way with one hand.
Javi watched you through narrowed eyes. Suspicious.
And honestly, you couldn’t blame him. Not after what had happened tonight. “I... I know you probably don’t wanna hear that it wasn’t your fault. Messina probably already told you that before I got here, but–”
“You’re right. I don’t,” he cut in, his voice low. He propped his head up with one hand. The other rested between his thighs, his legs slightly spread as he sat there.
Fuck, he looked vulnerable.
Before you could say anything else, Javi spoke again. “What are you doing here?” he asked for the second time.
Honestly, you didn’t know what to say. You wanted to tell him you’d come because you needed to see him. Or that you knew he’d blame himself for Carrillo’s death and that you’d known you would find him exactly like this.
But none of it felt like it would mean anything. Because the man sitting in front of you clearly wanted nothing more than to be left alone with the silence of this shitty room and the alcohol already running through his veins.
“I didn’t want you to be alone,” you finally said. And it wasn’t a lie. That was exactly why you were there. “Not now. Not after what happened.”
“What the hell do you know about what happened?” Javi said bitterly. He lifted the glass to his mouth and swallowed whatever was left in it.
“I talked to Murphy.”
Javi let out a quiet laugh, but there was nothing amused about it. It was just a short, bitter breath as he reached for the bottle and poured more whiskey into his glass. This time, he didn’t even bother setting it down properly. He left it sitting crooked between the scattered files and stared into his drink like there might be something at the bottom of it that nobody else had managed to tell him. “So now you know everything,” he said. “Murphy told you how the whole thing went to shit, then explained how obviously nobody’s to blame.”
“He told me what happened.”
“No.” Javi slowly shook his head. “He told you how it ended.” He lifted the glass toward his mouth, but didn’t drink. He just held it between his fingers, his thumb running along the rim.
You watched his hand and noticed the slight tremor. It wasn’t obvious. Barely there, really. But with Javi, even that meant more than someone else breaking down right in front of you.
“The tip came to me,” he said after a moment. His voice was still calm. Too calm. “Straight to me. Nobody brought it in. Nobody made me believe it. I questioned that fucking girl. I decided what she was saying made sense.”
“Because you had no reason to think it was a trap.”
His eyes finally lifted to yours. They looked tired, red, and completely empty. “No reason?” he repeated. “After everything Escobar’s done? All the fake tips, dead informants, people he’s bought off?” His jaw tightened. “I had a thousand reasons not to trust it.”
“And how many tips have you checked that turned out to be real? You can’t know ahead of time every single time.”
“That’s my job.” He said it so simply that the words hit you somewhere under the ribs. “My job is knowing who I can trust. My job is knowing when someone’s trying to put us exactly where they want us.” He set the glass down harder than he meant to, and whiskey spilled over the edge onto one of the files. Javi didn’t even notice. “Instead, I picked up the phone, listened to where Escobar was supposed to be, and passed the information straight to Carrillo.”
“Javi...”
“I saw the look on his face when I went to him with that.” His eyes dropped again. “I told him I believed it.” The words didn’t come easily. He had to force them out, one at a time, and with each one, more tension settled into his face. “And he trusted me,” he added quietly. “He didn’t even ask me more than once if I was sure.” His voice dropped even lower. “He just believed me.”
“Because you’d never knowingly given him bad information.”
“Yeah, I’m sure that helps him a lot now.” He closed his eyes and pressed a hand to his forehead. For a few seconds, the only sound in the room was his heavy breathing.
You wanted to get up, go to him, and wrap your arms around him so tightly he couldn’t keep going. So he couldn’t say another one of those things he was using to tear himself apart. But you knew if you touched him now, he’d push you away. Maybe harder than he meant to.
“You know how many times I’ve replayed that conversation in my head since it happened?” he asked suddenly.
You didn’t answer.
He wasn’t expecting you to. “Over and over. Every word. Every fucking second.” He dragged a hand over his face, then let it fall between his thighs. “I keep trying to find something I should’ve heard. Something in her voice. Something in the tip. One fucking thing that should’ve stopped me.”
“Why? Because you need to prove you could’ve prevented it?”
His jaw tightened immediately. You saw something shift in him. The pain he’d been holding down started turning into anger. “Don’t tell me what I need.”
“Then tell me what you want from me. What do you need right now?”
“I want you to leave.” He didn’t raise his voice. He said it flatly, without looking at you, like if he sounded calm enough, you might actually get up and leave him there.
“No.”
That made him look at you. “No?” he repeated slowly.
“I’m not trying to make you talk. You don’t have to explain anything to me. But I’m not leaving you alone while you’re clearly trying to drown yourself in that bottle and convince yourself you killed Carrillo.”
The second you said Carrillo’s name, Javi went completely still. For a moment, he didn’t even breathe. Then he planted both hands on his thighs and shot up from the chair. “I don’t have to convince myself of anything.” The chair scraped across the floor when he knocked into it. He took a few steps toward the wall, but the room was too small for him to get away from you or from his own head. He stopped with his back to you, both hands on his hips, his head lowered. “The tip came from me,” he said, louder now. “And I passed it on to Carrillo and sent him there.”
“You passed along information. You didn’t tell Escobar to be waiting for him.”
“You think that fucking matters?” He spun around so fast his shirt shifted around his body. “You think Carrillo’s any less dead because I wasn’t the one who pulled the trigger?”
“Escobar killed him.”
“I put him on that street!” His voice slammed into the walls. He wasn’t only yelling at you anymore. He was yelling at Messina. At Murphy. At Escobar. At Carrillo. At himself. At every fucking thing he couldn’t change. “I told him where to go! I told him the tip was good! Then I sat there like a fucking idiot listening to the radio, waiting for him to call and tell me we had Escobar, while he was driving straight into a trap I sent him into!”
“You didn’t know!”
“I should’ve known!”
“How?” you shot back. “Tell me how, Javi. How the fuck were you supposed to know this one tip was a trap?”
“I don’t know!” he shouted. “But I fucking should have!” His voice cracked on the last word.
Just barely, but you heard it. Underneath all that anger, the thing he’d been trying so hard to hide finally broke through. Pure, raw helplessness.
Javi turned his back on you and ran both hands through his hair. He took a few sharp breaths, but they didn’t help. His shoulders kept rising and falling like he’d just run for miles, even though he’d barely moved across the room. “You know what the best part is?” he said after a moment. His voice was quieter now, but the anger was still there. It had just turned back in on him. “This isn’t the first time.”
He slowly turned to face you.
“He’s not the first person I told everything was gonna be okay. He’s not the first person I sent somewhere they never came back from.” A bitter smile pulled at his mouth, but his eyes stayed completely empty. “People around me die. Informants. Agents. Cops. Anyone who trusts me long enough to do what I tell them.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is.”
“No. It’s just what you need to believe right now, because hating yourself is easier than admitting you can’t control everything.”
His expression hardened. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
“I know you’re trying to scare me.”
“Then be fucking scared!” he snapped. “For once, listen to what I’m telling you. Anyone who gets close to me ends up fucked. Carrillo trusted me, and now he’s dead. Helena trusted me too, a long time ago, and look what they fucking did to her. How many more people is it gonna take before you realize this isn’t some goddamn coincidence?”
“So that’s why you’re trying to throw me out? Because you’ve decided you’re protecting me?”
“Yes!” The answer came out immediately. No hesitation. Only after he said it did he seem to realize what he’d admitted.
For a moment, neither of you spoke.
Javi looked away and clenched his fists. He suddenly looked so exhausted you were almost surprised he was still standing. All the energy he’d had a second ago seemed to disappear with that one word. “Go home,” he said, much quieter now. “Just go.”
“No.”
“Jesus fucking christ, why can’t you listen to me for once?”
“Because I don’t want to.”
“This isn’t about what you want.”
“And it’s not only about what you want either.”
Javi shook his head, but this time he didn’t argue. He slowly went back to the desk and grabbed the back of the chair. For a moment, he just stood there, hunched over with both hands gripping it like he needed to make sure his legs were still going to hold him up.
Then he sat down heavily. Not like before. This time, he practically collapsed into the chair. He rested his elbows on his thighs, let his hands hang between his knees, and dropped his head so low you couldn’t see his face.
He looked smaller somehow. Not physically. Just more broken. Like that short burst of anger had taken everything he had left and left nothing behind. “I can’t do this anymore,” he breathed. The words were so quiet you almost didn’t hear them.
You didn’t know whether he meant tonight. Colombia. Escobar. All the dead bodies. Or everything.
“I can’t keep sending people out there and waiting to find out if they’re coming back,” he continued. “I can’t keep listening to people tell me it wasn’t my fault when I was right in the middle of it every fucking time.”
“Javi...”
“I gave him the tip.” His voice was rough, more broken than you’d ever heard it. “If I hadn’t, he’d still be alive.”
“Maybe he would be. Tonight,” you said quietly. “Maybe it would’ve happened next week. Or next month. Maybe he would’ve survived all of it. I don’t know. You don’t know. Nobody does.”
His jaw tightened, but he kept staring at the floor.
“But I do know who killed him,” you continued. “And it wasn’t you.”
“Stop.”
“No.”
“I said stop.”
“And I’m telling you I’m not gonna stop just because you yell at me.”
Javi slowly shook his head. He looked like he didn’t have the energy to tell you to leave again. Like all he could do was sit there, stare at the floor, and wait for you to finally give up on your own. “You don’t know what I’m like,” he muttered. There was no anger in his voice anymore. He wasn’t blaming you either. He just sounded defeated. “You don’t know all the shit I’ve done. The people I’ve used. The people I let walk because it worked for me at the time. How many people I promised we’d protect, only to end up doing fuck all when it mattered.” He swallowed and rubbed his palms together like he was trying to wash off something only he could see. “You shouldn’t be here.”
“But I am.”
“Then maybe you’re not as smart as I thought you were.”
This time, it didn’t hurt. Not because it wasn’t cruel, but because you knew exactly what he was trying to do.
He wanted to piss you off. He wanted you to take it personally, get up, and walk out because he didn’t have it in him to make you leave any other way.
And that was exactly why you finally stood up from the arm of the chair.
Javi noticed. His shoulders dropped slightly, like for one second, he really thought he’d done it. That he’d finally pushed you far enough to leave.
But you didn’t head for the door. You walked straight toward him. When you stopped in front of his chair, he still didn’t look up.
He just clasped his hands between his knees and kept his head down, his eyes fixed somewhere near your feet. “Go,” he said one last time. But there was nothing left in his voice that could make you listen.
You reached down and took his chin between your fingers.
Javi flinched slightly at the first touch, but he didn’t pull away. His jaw only tightened, like he was waiting for another argument he’d have to defend himself against.
You held him a little firmer and slowly lifted his head until he had no choice but to look at you. “Then look at me when you tell me I’d be better off without you.” You still had your fingers under his chin, and you could feel how tense his jaw was.
Like even now, he was fighting the urge to look away, shut down, and disappear back inside his own head before you saw anything else.
But this time, you didn’t let him. “Say it,” you continued quietly. “Look me in the eye and tell me you want me to leave because you don’t want me here. Not because you’ve convinced yourself you need to save me from you.”
Something shifted in his eyes. A quick flash of pain that he tried to bury almost immediately. “You don’t know what you want,” he said at last.
“I know exactly what I want.”
“No.” He shook his head, even though your hand made it harder. “You see me like this and think you can fix me.”
“I’m not trying to fix you.”
“Then what the fuck do you want?” The question came out sharper than he probably meant it to, but underneath the anger, all you could hear was exhaustion. Almost desperation. Like he was honestly asking you to explain why you were still standing there when he couldn’t think of a single good reason for you to stay.
You slowly ran your thumb along his jaw. “I want you to stop acting like I don’t get a say in my own life.”
Javi frowned. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“This.” You held his chin for another second before letting go. “The way you keep deciding what’s best for me. Deciding I’d be better off leaving. That I should be scared of you. That pushing me away somehow means you’re protecting me.” Your hand moved to his cheek. His skin was warm beneath your palm, rough with stubble. “You can’t keep pretending you’re giving me a choice when you’re doing everything you can to make me choose what you want.”
“I want you to be safe.” This time, he said it quietly. No yelling. No bitterness. And somehow, that made it hit even harder.
“I know.”
“No, you don’t.” His eyes dropped, but your hand stayed against his face. “You don’t know what it’s like waiting for the phone to ring and finding out another person you care about is dead.”
“And you don’t know what it’s like being stuck on the outside, wondering if you’re ever gonna let me in.”
His eyes lifted to yours again.
“I can’t promise nothing will ever happen to me,” you continued. “Just like you can’t promise you’ll always come back. But you don’t get to push me away every time you’re scared you might lose something.”
“I already lost someone.” His voice cracked so quietly you might not have noticed if you hadn’t been standing so close.
“I know,” you breathed.
Javi closed his eyes. For a second, he leaned into your palm. Barely. Like he didn’t even realize he was doing it until it was too late to stop himself. There was something so painfully vulnerable about it that your chest hurt. “Don’t tell me it’s gonna be okay,” he muttered. “Because it’s not.”
“Then I won’t.”
“And don’t tell me it’ll stop hurting.”
“I won’t tell you that either.”
He slowly opened his eyes. “Then what the fuck can you tell me?”
You leaned closer until there was almost no space left between your faces. “That I’m here.”
Javi didn’t move.
“That you don’t have to be alone tonight. You don’t have to explain anything or defend yourself. You don’t have to be a good agent. You don’t have to know what happens next. You don’t have to pretend you’re the guy who can handle all of this.” You slid your fingers into the hair at the back of his neck and gently held on. “You can just be here. With me.”
His breath brushed your lips. You could smell the whiskey, but his eyes were focused now. Present. Not as empty as they’d been before. “You shouldn’t want me right now,” he said.
“Stop telling me what I should want.” You brought your other hand to his face, holding him with both hands now.
“I’m fucked up.”
“I know.”
“I could hurt you.”
“Then don’t.”
The simple answer shut him up. For a moment, he just looked at you. Guilt, want, self-hatred, and something that almost looked like fear all crossed his face. Not fear of you. Fear that if he touched you, he might stop thinking about Carrillo for a few minutes. That he might let himself want something other than punishment.
You leaned closer and lightly pressed your lips to his forehead. It wasn’t a kiss asking for anything. Just a brief, warm touch. “I’m not asking you to forget him,” you whispered. “I just don’t want you destroying yourself tonight because of him.”
Javi’s hands finally moved. They closed around yours, still holding his face. He didn’t pull them away. He just held on, like he needed to make sure you were really there. “What exactly do you want from me?” he asked again, his voice lower this time. Then he slowly let go of your hands.
“Right now?”
He nodded.
You lowered your hands from his face, letting them slide down his neck and onto his chest. You could feel his heart pounding beneath his shirt. “I want you to let me stay.”
Javi swallowed. His large hands moved to your hips, gripping the fabric of your clothes. He still didn’t pull you closer, but he wasn’t trying to stop you either.
“And if you don’t want this,” you added, keeping your eyes on his, “then tell me. Don’t tell me what’s better for me. Don’t tell me I should leave. Just tell me you don’t want me right now.”
His jaw tightened again. He didn’t answer for a long time. Then his grip on your hips got tighter. “I can’t tell you that.” The words hung between you, heavy and hot.
You slowly stepped between his spread knees. Javi tilted his head back to keep looking at you as you placed both hands on his shoulders. You gave him one more second. One last chance to pull away, push you back, or say no.
He didn’t do any of those things. Instead, his hands tightened around your waist.
You leaned down and kissed him. Not hard. Not desperate. Careful at first, almost like a question, until you felt his lips finally move against yours.
Something in him gave in. Not the pain. Not the guilt. Just that endless fight against letting anyone touch him.
When you pulled back a couple of inches, his eyes stayed closed. “Look at me,” you whispered.
He did.
You slowly slid one hand down from his shoulder. Javi watched every move, but he didn’t stop you. His breathing only got faster when your fingers reached his belt buckle. “I can still stop,” you said quietly.
Javi looked at you for a long moment, then placed one hand on the back of your neck. “Don’t.”
You didn’t wait any longer. You brought your other hand down and used both hands to undo his belt, then the button of his gray pants. Before reaching for the zipper, you looked up at him again. “I could still stop...” One last chance for him to end this. To tell you to leave.
Instead of answering, Javi slowly pressed the growing bulge beneath his pants into your palm. He lifted his hips just a little, like he was trying to tell you without words that he needed you. He really fucking did.
You didn't hesitate anymore. Your fingers slowly dragged his zipper down, painfully slow. Then you hooked your fingers into the waistband of both his pants and his boxers. “Hm.”
Javi got the message. He lifted his hips again just enough for you to pull them down beneath his ass.
You tugged both his pants and boxers down to his knees. That was all you needed.
He wasn't fully hard yet. Just half hard. The alcohol and everything that had happened that night were still getting to him.
But you knew exactly how to fix that. You spat into your palm.
Javi's breath caught the second he saw it.
Then you wrapped your wet hand around his cock. At first, you didn't even stroke him. You just slowly spread the slickness over him, running your hand from base to tip, making sure every inch of him was covered.
His stomach rose with a slow, heavy breath. His breathing got rougher. His hands found your hips again like he needed something to hold on to.
That's when you finally squeezed him. Firm. Hard enough to push every bit of the night's bullshit out of his head. You wanted him here. Right now. Feeling nothing except your hand moving around him.
You felt him getting harder in your palm. A little more. Then even more.
“There you go,” you whispered, brushing your thumb over the head of his cock, already slick with precum. Now he was exactly where you needed him.
Javi's hand suddenly came up to your neck, pulling you into a kiss. His tongue was in your mouth almost instantly, impatient, desperate, like it was the only thing he wanted right then.
You sighed into the kiss, heat pooling low in your stomach. You could already feel yourself getting wet. Still, you kept your focus on him.
While your tongue moved against his, your hand finally started stroking him for real. Long, steady strokes. Your hand slid over him once. Twice. Three times. Four.
Javi let out the quietest little moan against your mouth. You'd barely have heard it if you hadn't been this close. “I need you...” he whispered. Like he didn't even mean to say it out loud. Like part of him was still trying to fight it. But he was already too far gone.
You let go of his cock, now fully hard and ready for you. “Okay,” you whispered, barely loud enough to hear. For once, you were glad you’d worn nothing but a short skirt in the Bogotá heat. You didn’t have to waste time taking off your pants. You just pushed your skirt up over your hips and spread your legs enough to climb onto his lap.
Javi watched you with dark eyes. One hand wrapped around the base of his cock, like he was making sure he stayed hard.
You slowly lowered yourself toward him. You could feel the heat coming off his body, and just before the head of his cock reached your folds, Javi seemed to know exactly what you needed.
With his free hand, he slipped your panties to the side. He ran a finger between your folds, making you gasp as a sharp wave of need rushed through your body.
You didn’t wait another second. You lowered yourself onto the head of his cock. Painfully slowly, you took him inside you, feeling every fucking inch as his thick cock stretched and filled you.
You both moaned as you slowly sank down around him.
Javi’s hands shot to your ass. His fingers dug into your skin as he pulled you down harder, like he couldn’t wait another second. Like he needed to be buried inside you now.
So you gave him what he wanted. You lowered yourself the rest of the way until your pussy had taken every inch of him. You grabbed his shoulders and looked at him.
Neither of you looked away as you rolled your hips and started moving.
Javi’s eyes narrowed, but they never left you. Like he needed something to focus on. Like holding your ass wasn’t enough. He needed all of his attention on you. His whole body. Even then, he let you set the pace.
You rolled your hips in slow circles, lifting yourself every now and then before sinking back down onto him again. Letting him feel your walls tighten around him. Feel your body pulling him back in. Every time you came back down, the room filled with the quiet, wet sound of your bodies coming together.
He felt huge inside you. Hot and deep enough to make your thighs shake every time you took him all the way. Javi breathed hard beneath you, every breath rough and uneven.
You could feel every muscle in his shoulders tighten beneath your hands. His chest rose faster, and when you rolled your hips again, a low, rough sound caught in his throat. “Fuck...” he muttered. It almost sounded like a warning. Or maybe he was begging you not to stop.
His hands weren’t just resting on your ass. Even though he was letting you control the pace, his fingers dug into your skin hard enough to hurt in the best way.
Every time you lowered yourself onto him, his hips lifted without him even thinking about it, pushing himself just a little deeper inside you.
You could feel his pulse racing beneath your hands where they still rested on his shoulders. You picked up the pace, rolling your hips a little faster before leaning in until your breasts were pressed against his chest.
Javi tipped his head back. For a second, his eyes fell shut. The way your pussy tightened and pulsed around his cock was getting too fucking intense. Between the alcohol still in his system and everything you were doing to him, whatever control he had left was starting to slip away.
Javi lifted his head again, looking for your face. His eyes were completely dark now, unfocused but fixed on your lips. One hand left your ass and slid to the back of your neck, pulling you closer. “Don’t stop,” he breathed against your mouth, his hot breath still smelling like whiskey. “Fuck... don’t let go of me.” His body started moving beneath you without thinking, his hips lifting to meet yours every time you came back down.
The change in rhythm sent a sharp wave of pleasure through your lower stomach, and your muscles tightened around him as you found the angle that brought both of you closer.
Exactly where you wanted to be.
Where he needed to be.
You sped up, settling into a hard, steady rhythm. Right then, there was nothing except your warmth and your skin. And somehow, that reached the part of him that hurt the most.
His hand slipped from the back of your neck, both hands moved to your hips, gripping you so hard you’d probably have bruises tomorrow, but you barely noticed. All you could feel was him thrusting up into you, his hips lifting every time you came back down. It was desperate. His body trying to drown out everything going on inside his head.
“Javi...” you breathed as that familiar, sharp pressure started building low in your stomach.
His eyes closed the second he heard his name. He pressed his forehead against your shoulder, buried his face in your neck, and took a deep, shaky breath.
You could feel the heat of it against your skin, mixed with sweat.
“I can’t...” he growled into your neck, his voice rough and completely wrecked. “Fuck... I can’t do this anymore.”
You didn’t know if he meant he was about to come, or the whole fucking day, Carrillo, the blood he thought he had on his hands, or the way everything around him was falling apart.
It didn’t matter. Right then, it was all the same thing.
You grabbed a fistful of the thick hair at the back of his head, pulled him even closer, and moved your hips as fast as you could. The friction was almost too much. Your walls clenched hard around his cock, sending waves of heat through your entire body.
A raw, broken sound tore out of Javi, somewhere between a growl and a sob.
Then it hit you. Your orgasm tore through your body all at once. You moaned loudly, your back arching as your body tightened around him in hard, uncontrollable pulses.
Javi felt every one of them. That tight, pulsing grip pushed him right over the edge. He sucked in a sharp breath, then came inside you with a loud, broken moan that sounded like pure relief tangled up with every bit of pain he’d been holding inside. His whole body went rigid in the chair. His hips jerked up into you, and his head fell back.
You felt every hot pulse of his release inside you. You felt him shaking from head to toe.
It went on for several long seconds, like everything was being ripped out of him all at once. Not just his cum. The anger. The helplessness. Carrillo.
And when it finally faded, Javi sagged beneath you. His grip finally loosened, and he let his head fall forward, burying his face in the crook of your neck.
He stayed there, folded into you in the chair, breathing fast and hard while the room slowly went quiet around you.
His body was no longer rigid, but you could still feel the tension sitting heavy in his shoulders. His arms stayed wrapped around your waist, though he wasn’t holding you tightly anymore. It felt more like he was hanging on, like he was afraid that the second he let go, all the shit in his head would come rushing back.
You lifted one hand from his shoulder and ran your fingers through the hair at the back of his neck.
After a while, Javi took a deep, shaky breath. He pulled his face away from your skin and lifted his head to look at you. His eyes were half closed, his jaw still tight.
“There’s one thing you need to know,” you said quietly but firmly, your voice cutting through the heavy silence.
Javi lowered his chin a little. “No, please...” he muttered, his voice rough.
“No. Listen to me, Javi.” You took his face in your hand and made him look at you.
His dark eyes were unfocused and exhausted when they met yours.
“None of this fucked-up night was your fault,” you said slowly, making sure he heard every word. “Carrillo chose to go there. Escobar killed him. Not you. And if you’re gonna sit here blaming yourself because of some fucking tip that turned out to be a trap, when there was no fucking way anyone could’ve known, then you’re an even bigger idiot than I thought.”
Javi just stared at you for a few seconds.
You saw the old reflex kick in. The need to argue, snap at you, tell you to fuck off, or shut you out again.
His jaw tightened, his lips pressing into a thin line. But he didn’t have the energy for another fight. Whatever anger he’d had left was gone. Instead, he let out a long breath through his nose, closed his eyes, and slowly shook his head. “You’re fucking unbearable,” he muttered. His voice was low, with no sarcasm or anger behind it. He just sounded completely exhausted.
“I know,” you said softly.
Javi’s hands tightened around your hips.
He hadn’t fixed anything. He didn’t agree with you, tell you that you were right, or promise things would get better. Javi Peña didn’t work like that.
But he didn’t push you away either. He let you stay there on his lap, and he let your words sit between you. Right then, that was the most he could give you.
