INT. IRON-VEST BLOG - DAY

I hate that I'm so jealous. I've taken things so personally when they are not even about me. but this man is so shallow, he wanted a girlfriend with specific characterisitcs that I possess. sorry if I'm upset when it turns out, for no apparent reason, that I don't fit the bill. especially since each time he'd mention such traits, i'd think he flirted. sorry for having a shred of hope.

but it's getting ridiculous. it's not good for me. i went on a date and it was absolutely lovely- my first date ever, can you believe it? he was such a nice guy. but the next day i saw the first guy again, and became so angry. at what? at myself? maybe. i know i could be happy with this new guy, who has many of the same opinions on things as me. He's funny, very intelligent. if we were on the same course in the same uni, we'd be fast friends for sure. It would be nice to see him again.

But why do I feel the urge to never speak again, to close off, to stop talking, to go "Sorry, I don't think we're a match" when it's not true? Surely, I'm not holding out any real hope for the other guy still. It's not about that. Is it just that it's getting busy, I'm already someone who prefers (or defults to) alone time- and when I go out, I don't really talk to someone unfamiliar? I need to still work on my friendships here- I'm still not very close to anybody.

The conversation flowed naturally. There was the odd pause, naturally, to search for a topic- but for the most part it was great.

There's a part of me scared of feeling like the bigger person. I'm taller and larger than him. I feel like, when I'm larger, that I'm not allowed to act small. To shy away into someones arms, to be a little spoon, to feel protected. I have to be the more dominant one. At least, that's what my brain is telling me. And I don't want to be. For once in my life, I don't want to be asked to stand tall and be my proudest self. I want to be vunerable, feel like a little mouse you cup in your hands. It's a lot to ask for.

I feel so bone-tired. everything has gotten to me. plans fell through, i don't feel heard. it's like the gravity had been cranked up by 10% today, I've been so sluggish. I've been a bit snappy. Hope people can understand.

Don't know why people would force their children to participate in a personal religious ritual if they didn't want to. it's their life, their choice. besides, if a god were real, i think he'd much prefer someone actively making a choice, knowing what they were going into, than just going for it not understanding. i don't even believe in a god.

I believe in people, individuals, and the ropes that tie us together. I believe in influence, and kindness. I believe in letting people believe what they need to to stay sane in this world. but i also believe in people rejecting something when it doesn't fit them.

Belief is something that is so personal. even if it is in a god- or something mudane. I believe in this project it going good, I believe in you.

"Believe" though, to me, is a strong word. I much prefer using "hope". Especially in these times.

my mattress is weirdly uncpmfortable, it's like there is a bump sticking into me. All day, I've had lower back pain, it felt like TV static and ants and tingles. A remarkably pixelated ache. I also think I pulled a tendon in my right hand. im straining to write, currently using the left mostly.