You were a little too fucked up, he was a little too fucked up, and in the end, you were just a little too fucked up for each other.

I never liked drugs, I didn’t. I saw the emptiness in the users’ eyes and the way the life just drained from their body, but oh god, did you make them look so good. You made everything look worth using; but you left. You left and I’m so sorry I didn’t run through your veins like they did. I couldn’t make you feel as good as they did, and I’m sorry. But I want you to know that you made me feel higher than any pill or powder could. But now you’re gone and I’m here trying everything I can get my hands on just to try to understand you. I thought maybe they’d make me feel as careless as you were, but several attempts in, and I still care like no other. All these brain cells have been killed, but you still run through every part of my head. You still float up there, oh god, you still do. I don’t think any drug will erase these painful memories of you, but I wish they would. I don’t know whether it’s the drugs or the heart break of missing you, but I feel so lifeless now. I’m so lifeless and I want you to come back and remind me why I went all those years sober. But I think the worst part of this all is how after all this, after all this pain and scarring, I still want to go to you and tell you of these experiences. It makes me feel as if you might love me more for some reason, but I know you won’t. You’re gone. You’re gone and these drugs never even made me understand why you did what you did.