I am the wanderer...

welcome to doctor who: part 2

Small village thinks illicit whiskey stills are its biggest problem until raiders show up and trash their everything. Death, destruction, etc. Raiders find whiskey still, get lit, pass out. Villagers murder them. Peace restored. Whiskey is king.

Shepherd lad spots fair maid skinny-dipping. Fair maid pleads for her virtue and/or clothing. Shepherd lad is complete gentleman, escorts her home with clothing and virtue intact. Fair maid demands to know what she has to do to get laid around here.

Plucky heroine’s boyfriend goes to sea, fails to return. Plucky heroine dresses in drag and goes to find him. Plucky heroine discovers boyfriend happily married to someone else. Plucky heroine shoots his head right off.

Do Not Stop By The Local Weaver’s House, You Will Get So Pregnant, Like, Super Pregnant, I’m Not Kidding, This Has Been A Public Service Announcement.

Wealthy farmwife habitually searches her maidservants’ dorm for SIGNS OF MEN out of concern for their virtue. Maids less concerned for their virtue are having None Of It. Maids hide scarecrow in dorm, farm mistakes scarecrow for prowler, farmwife decapitates scarecrow. Farmwife believes herself a murderer. Maids now permitted to do as they please, virtue-wise. 

Idiot son sent to market to sell cow. Scheming lass seduces idiot son out of cow, pants, and even shoes.

Dad returns from business trip to find daughter Super Pregnant, demands to meet the man responsible. Dad takes one look at man responsible and tells daughter “okay, you’re off the hook, I would have banged him too.”

Handsome stranger bribes fair maid to leave town with him. Fair maid rejects various bribes until handsome stranger flat-out offers her money, which she accepts. Handsome stranger turns out to be, to no one’s great surprise, the actual devil. Fair maid regrets her life choices.

Gallant knight goes forth to slay dragon. Dragon eats knight, but has indigestion.