we all have it coming

I’ve made this post before but. The appeal of Nieyao for me will always be the ‘I loved you once, and if I’m honest, I know I still do, but I also know I must not and cannot.’ I like the non-canon idea that they slept together in Bujing Shi. I gave you my body once even though it hurts from expectations, my past or a curse. You were very good to it. I wish I could allow you to do that again. I wish you would go back to trusting me. I wish I could trust you again. Why won’t you see through my eyes for a moment and we could understand each other again. Sometimes I can still feel your mouth on my skin. I yearn for it and it makes me feel disgusting. I don’t want to want you but I know I can’t stop wanting you. Yet, we were never meant to last anyway

i do enjoy "living weapon" characters but specifically living weapons who did in fact do absolutely horrific things which at least a part of them enjoyed and thought was good and right at the time, and that no amount of not knowing any better or guilt they feel in hindsight will ever make up for. i love living weapons who are "irredeemable", and no it's not their fault that they were made that way or pointed in the directions they were by the hand that wielded them, and yes they are victims, but so were their victims. living weapons who some people will never be able to forgive, but who still wake up every day and try to do better than what's expected of them. a sword that uses its blade to cut wheat to make bread for the people who once lived in fear of its arc falling on their heads.