MissxGonzalez: In Yolotl Rebelde

Alright, so in a couple of days, it will be 7 months since my partner and I broke up. Well since she broke up with me, if truth be told. Cuz truly, I have not broken up with her, i still love her. In these seven months, I have come to learn a lot about myself and my inner struggles to survive despite my circumstances. But more than anything, I have begun to think of the beginning. How did we get here, how did a love that was strong become what we have now? I keep asking myself... this is an attempt at that. Lets start at the beginning.

So, eleven years ago, I was finishing up high school and learning what it meant to be a young adult. Attempting to go to college and get a degree or two, trying to find myself, whatever that means, and life was hard. I was undocumented, and confused as fuck as to what I was gonna do to become legal or whatever the fuhh. Not knowing what to do about that, I spent my days hoping, waiting, wishing that love would find me. and it did, young and reckless as i was, i fell in love for the very first time at the age of 19, with this girl, the girl that i would come to know for the next ten years, the girl that would break me apart.

so the year i transfer to el camino college, after dropping out of CSULA in my first year because i was undocumented and  broke as a joke, i met her. she was new in anthropology club, just like me and my boyfriend at the time. yeah, i was with some boy that i thought i loved, he was my first boyfriend ever, at least the first and only official one that i claim, so yeah. he and i had been together a year when i first laid eyes on her. there she sat behind me at the first anthropology club meeting, in the back like the shy creature that she was. I barely noticed her, but i knew she was there. and when i first spoke to her, it was because she had talked back to me at a meeting we had with some other anthro club members. there she sat looking at me defiantly, challenging what i was ranting about catholicism and the da vinci code book. fiesty, fun stuff. well after that i started to notice her more and realized she was something. as time would have it... i got to know her little by little. we went to anthro trips and slowly i got to know her better. she was an anthropology major like me, and we had one class in common. no matter how many times i tried to convince her to join our group, she never did... she was always very independent.and it was clear as time went by, that she was into someone else, and that someone else was all she could see. well i had my boyfriend to keep me entertained, but that didnt last as time only made me like her more. so i waited silently, patiently, and passionately, i loved her in secret, even when i was convincing myself that she would never look at me like that. and so the years passed and ill skip the sad details of how she never noticed me. there is all these detailed stories of how i showed her love and she just shrugged me off, i mean really thou, i was sprung and i didnt know how to tell her i liked her, no loved her so much. but really thou, how can you love someone you barely know? well ima just tell you know, i dunno, but since the beginning she has pulled me in, like the earth pulls the moon around her. it just is.well there i was sad always at how she would never see the look i had when i would see her walk into the room, the sound that my heart beats would make when she was near me. the first time i saw her with her hair cut, how i blurted out that she was beautiful to my boyfriend. how her freckles were a field of stars that i wanted to count. it was all young love...

and so time passes. and at the age of 21, i break up with my boyfriend and finally begin to utter the words that i am a lesbian, gay, that i like girls, no i love girls. mean the while, she gets her heartbroken while i sit back and watch from the sidelines, and i'm torn because i want to run to her and pick her up and piece her back. she was such a beautiful person and here she was all broken hearted because some one could not see her worth. but still, she didnt look my way or even think of me, i was in the friend zone, and that's where i stayed despite the fact that she shared a lot of her feelings, life, and memories with me. i always saw her and slowly, but surely, i made myself stop loving her, but she always gave me butterflies, even when i didn't want them. every time i saw her, i would start thinking and fumbling over myself, i could not speak, she took my breath away, but no, i was just a friend.

eventually, i decided that it was time to move on, took me a while, but at the age of 22 i was determined to find someone else to forget her with. and so i began the life that i was destined to live, i became documented along the way and i was still in school, trying to get it together and finish something. and so i met girls, plenty i may add, and yeah i came out and told folks who i really was, but only few people knew that i loved her, and that she would never be mine, and so i moved on, but every once and while i'd see her and when i did, my heart would skip beats and i'd get nervous. i didn't know what to say, but i always saw that look in her eyes, she was in love with her ex, and there was no room for me, so i kept looking for someone else, but no one was good enough to make me forget her. except... well there was this one girl, she had a lot of my attention and i gave her so much of me, but she was too young, reckless, and we were both not good for each other at the time, so it ended it badly, and again i was left alone with my heart bruised, i was determined to find someone else. and so then the weirdest thing happened... she finally started noticing me, she came after me, and i had no idea why.

and so at 23, i started to open my heart to her again, not that it was ever closed off to her. she always was there, even if buired under pain and feelings that i didnt like to face, and she came after me, she would ask me out, and sadly i couldn't always go, but there were other times that we could go out, so we did, and we started to get to know each other. and within a couple of months, we were into each other and there was no one else in the world for me, or for her. and then we kissed, we kissed the first time she held my hand, and i got home late and i didnt care, because i finally had tasted her lips and her kisses had me hooked, i wanted more, and so the passion between us started to brew. yes, we were compatible, yes we were crazy for each other... and little by little, day by day, we started to date and get to know each other, until one day she asked me out. and i said yes, and we began our relationship. that year, the year i became a tia for the first time, the year she was my world, and then it began...