Introspection11

I woke up this morning EXTREMELY hungover. I drank waaaay toooo much at a “business after hours” and “mingled” 🥴

I’m done drinking for a little while. Everytime I drink I’ll reminded that I’m getting waaay too old to be doing that shit.

I drunk texted and called my ex “lover” (I think he blocked me, thank God)

I didn’t make a fools out of myself but I just made STUPID choices.

….and woke up feeling so empty. Because I realized that I’m super lonely.

Don’t get my wrong I love my life. I love my apartment, I love that weekends are MINE, I love that I get to sleep and go about my day however I want but I also realized (while I was sitting in the toilet) it’s been 4 years since I’ve really committed to someone.

I already know what you’re thinking and your absolutely right, the pickings for a straight female are LOW, and that’s part of the reason I’ve been single….

It’s just been me, myself, and God for a Loooooong time. I’m good totally fine with that….

Every once and a while, I’m just reminded that I’m alone.

It would’ve been nice to have someone remind me to drink water before bed and hand me an aspirin in the morning, is all I’m saying.

It’s a weird place to be single by choice and also not by choice at the same time….

I want a MAN not someone’s child. A MAN.

Someone who is ambitious, who has solid belief, who isn’t afraid to cry or talk about the hard stuff.

A man than can cook and start a fire. Someone I have great chemistry with Someone I can start a solid foundation for a life with….

I’m aware…I’m highly romantic. That’s also part of the problem.

The past few years I’ve really been been working on myself. Truly. I KNOW I’ve grown a lot and matured since my last relationshipI’m really proud of myself for the growth.

Growing also makes it harder to find a decent relationship. It makes it harder to find ANY time of decent relationship.

So alone I shall stay until God decided to bless me with a partner that I can grow with….

Signed,

Today I made myself get up and go to the gym. The gym is part of a regular routine for me but I’ve definitely gotten more lax about it since not being a personal trainer.

I used to want to be this extremely fit, health conscious, high energy person.

I’m coming to the realization that I’m not and I’m ok with that.

I could continue this post about how toxic the fitness industry is and how much my mental health had improved not being in it but I won’t. (at least not now)

I’ve struggled with an eating disorder, body dysmorphia, and an unhealthy idea of how I “should” exercise.

Over the past few years, I decided to “be kind” to myself.

What does that look like?

• Eating when I’m hungry

• Not beating myself up when I have ice cream or a hamburger with fries

• Taking rest days when my body is tired (even if it’s multiple) days in a row

• Acknowledging the way I’m feeling and taking steps to deal with it.

• Understanding that no every workout has to be 2-2.5 hours long. It could be 40 or 20 minutes.

And so many more things that I would love to expand on my I just woke up from a nap so I’m not all the way awake yet 😅

Health is so much more than looking like a fitness influencer and having a flat tummy.

I don’t always like what I see when I look in the mirror and I have more cellulite on my ass than I ever had….

But I’ve realized that I’m only hurting myself when I talk down to myself.

If you take anything from this post that I really had no intention of writing, it’s to be kind to you…

Love yourself the way you’ve ALWAYS wanted to be loved.

I’ve decided that I’m going to be happy no matter what. Am I lonely? Yes. Am I heartbroken? Yes. Am I happy? Also, yes.

Am I going to let that stop me? Fuck no.

I have dreams and goals I want to achieve so I’m gonna make it happen.

Anyone else been going through it? If anyone every ready my journal, they’d think I was super emotionally unstable.

First: I’m learning that men are fuck boys at any age.

Second: why don’t people understand and respect boundaries?

Third: I’m always 5 seconds away from cutting everyone out in my life and disappearing

Continuing the theme of my last post,

Becoming an emotionally intelligent, responsible adult is ghetto and I’m over it.

You know what really sucks? when you outgrow the people you grew up with and used to look up to.

Instead of crying, I’m just gonna exercise my body until I can’t feel anything anymore…

Signed,

Anyone else feel weird about your age? I used to be someone's little kid sister for a long time. I used to be the "cool" one. (but never actually cool) I feel outdated now and it's like I'm waking, realizing that I've entered actual adulthood. Unlike most of the people from my small hometown I'm single, unmarried, with no children. However, I don't feel like I'm missing out on those things. If marriage ever comes calling, great. I'm also not out here living "my best life". I stay in almost every weekend, my phone is DRY, my apartment is SMALL, I have no "sneaky link" ( and I dont want one), my friends list include whoever is close by and wants to hang out for a bit....

....all in all it's not where I want to end up but it's a start. So here's to all the mid to upper twenty millennials who feel like 18 was a yesterday but also know that 30 is just around the corner.