Mike Driver
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Sara
24th Jan 2013
Today I met Sara.
I met her in the park.
I had noticed her playing with her daughter but didnât think much of it until my sons ball bounced close to them and she gave me a smile.
There was a whole world in that smile.
There was something intriguing about her.
We talked a little and I asked her out.
I have her number. The first time I have asked another girl out in 9 years.
It feels good to be out there in life. The universe is responding.
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Other People
23rd Jan 2013
Last night we had a conversation about seeing other people.
We have been together for 9 years. Married for 8.
I really struggle with marriage. Actually I donât just struggle with marriage I struggle with monogamy.
Itâs not that I donât get it. I do. You have someone there for you. To build a life with.
The only thing is relationships always end up being about control and the more I experience being controlled the more I want to break free.
I want my relationships to be based on the privilege of spending time with someone. Of experiencing them. Of them being present to the privilege of being with me.
That it what drives my life.
Pregnancy
My wife is six months pregnant.
Her emotions are with the baby.
Mine are not yet. It will come, but the distance with my wife is not conducive to the bond at this moment.
Maybe that is why I am craving intimacy so much. There is a being inside my wifeâs womb and I have all this love for it which I am not expressing.
In fact this not an unfamiliar feeling. Each time my wife has been pregnant I have been craving having an affair. Each time it has been a crush on someone at work. I havenât gone with it but it is has been like a compulsion each time.
Maybe it as all love for baby which is being misdirected. Time to ensure it is being expressed to the baby.
How much of it is me?
The question is âhow much of it is me?â
It is easy to see my wifeâs barriers to intimacy but not see easy to see mine.
Maybe it is all me?
Either way it is a great way to look at it.
I canât do anything about my wifeâs âstuffâ - that is down to her - but the more I can find out about mine. The more of my shit I can get out of the way the better.
I am really craving intimacy.
Other people
For a long time I have been craving being with other people.
Craving intimacy.
When their has been distance with my wife, it is incredibly painful. She is the person who I am supposed to be working with to create the experience of love, intimacy and connectedness.
When she is not available for that it is incredibly painful. When I am not available for that it is incredibly painful.
It is the ultimate punishment in a relationship.
I crave intimacy.
The exquisiteness of being with someone. Of sharing myself and having myself be accepted by another. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually & energetically.
Instead, we sell out for control & safety. What a fucking waste.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Space
It's not that we don't get on... It's just time to start really exploring being separate. Things are remarkably amicable. It is great to have some space to look at stuff. To look at who I am in relationships. In the end, the quality of my relationships is down to my capacity to keep love present in each moment. Time to to look at what gets in the way of that for me.
Separating
Two weeks ago...
So we have moved into different rooms. I thought it would be difficult. Mostly because I worried about what the children would think.
Today I put bedding on the bed in the spare room. The kids got really excited and said âhey Dad, why donât you sleep in this bed and then you and mum could have your own roomâ.
That made it much easier.
The impact
So here I am today. Drained. Feeling physical ill from last nights conversation. Starting to get present to the impact of this driveness. I have little energy. I can hardly swallow. My tonsils are swollen and it is excruciatingly painful. I know it will pass but it it not a great place to be. I want to meditate to get present & connected. To let the emotions flush through. I'm struggling to stay present for more than five seconds at a time. I'm going to have to let this work through by itself.
Since then it has always been up to me. Particularly with women. They need to be saved. I am like a compulsive night in shining armor. I can't be around a woman who needs something without giving it to them. It is like I have no say in the matter. If I don't there will be impending doom. That really is how it occurs. However it makes for very unsatisfying relationships. I end up giving away a lot and always become resentful. Not the basis for a fulfilling partnership.
I love you mummy
So there I am... I am six years old, my mum and dad have been screaming at each other in the kitchen. My younger brother, younger sister and I are watching on. My mum, exasperated and in tears, says "That's it, I'm leaving. Nobody cares about me in this house." Instinctively, my whole life seemingly at stake, I go to my mother and say " I love you mummy". She breaks down, pulls me to her, and gives me the biggest warmest cuddle I can remember. The situation has been saved... and the path has been set.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
The breakdown
This is what I can be responsible for:
The marriage existed as the following (in the order if importance).
1 Wedding Vows 2 Susan
Susanâs role was to fulfill her wedding vows. If she didnât feel like it then tough⌠she shouldnât have made those promises.
When she didnât keep her wedding vows, I would then experience our marriage falling apart and would take on causing her to be whatever it took to keep her promises to me.
Mostly this was by bullying her.
It rarely worked⌠it was exhausting⌠but it was what I did.
I have spent eight years trying to get her to be who she promised she would be, but it was a waste of time and energy. A lot of time and an incredible amount of energy.
And that was never my job.
I promised to listen for her greatness⌠I never promised to cause her greatness.
I promised to see her as bigger that she saw herself⌠I never promised to bully her into being greater than she saw her self.
The way I dealt with it was down to my insecurities. My attachment to the result. The result of the vision I had for the marriage. It never was going to work. You canât turn someone into being someone they are not.
What a fucking waste of energy⌠and it caused an incredible amount of pain.
The path to clarity
Again last night we work through completing our marriage. Susan has written a list of things she is incomplete with in the eight years we have been together. Some of them are basic complaints but some of the things she says shine a light on both of our inadequacies. It is emotionally draining but we are starting to get clear on things that we have never seen before. I have always hung on to that our marriage was based on our wedding vows. I know them by heart. "I commit to being your life long partner, confidant, best friend, playmate, lover and husband. "To share my life with yours. To create and fulfill our dreams together. to listen to your greatness, to see you always bigger than you see yourself and to play passionately with you in this adventure called marriage." For the first year of our marriage we would wake up every morning and repeat them to each other. During that year it became harder and harder to say them so after a year we stopped. The gap between what we promised an who we were being become too wide. As we now go through the moments of our marriage where we pulled further apart, It becomes clear that we never really had what it would have taken for us to fulfill on those promises. We both had (and still have) way too many issues.
Completing our marriage
Last night we started the conversation getting complete about our marriage.
We have both been avoiding it.
The marriage we created on our wedding day has been dead for a long time. That marriage lasted 6 days into our honeymoon.
Since then we have had 8 years of resentment, tring to pull something out of the remnants of what was left. No matter what we created however it was always over the top of that fundamental failure.
On our wedding day we made promises to each other about who we would be for each other in the marriage. The promises did not last long.