Why am I never allowed to maybe know what's best in every situation with you. Why do I have to be the stupid one in this relationship

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@internetjournal-888
Why am I never allowed to maybe know what's best in every situation with you. Why do I have to be the stupid one in this relationship

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"You make me anxious when you act like that"
I am the problem I'm always the problem and now I'm never gonna be upset around you and I'm having the most quiet panic attack of my life in the other room. I knew it wasn't okay to break down around you. I fuxking knew it. I always have to be the rock and the strong one. The only way I'm gonna get out of it is killing myself. I wanna fucking dice my arms up
Life isn't the way it used to be. It's not as simple as navigating highschool and homelife. Finding ways to be out of the house as much as possible, loving work because it kept me out of the house. I dont think I miss you. I think I miss the course my life was going. Going to --- knocked me so hard off course I'm struggling to find my balance. I'm not happy where I am and I don't know how to change that. Every time I think I've got it and I'm doing OK something blows up in my face. Thinking about it males me miss you more maybe subconsciously I think you could fix it. I don't remember how you talked to me but I know you didn't tear me down like I am now. I've never felt stupider than I do now. You never let me feel that way. I threw that away. I need to move on from my old life but I can't. I don't know how to cope with this so I'll just keep getting high and distracting myself.
Told myself I wasn't gonna get drunk about my feelings but then you got these damn good drinks. We talked things out too. Feels nice but I wish I was a better person. The bad things that happen to me seem to mostly be my fault.
A big part of the issue is my inability to listen. I thought I was talented, smart, a great listener. Until I met you. I had to drag myself out of bed this morning and your constant snapping all day makes me borderline suicidal. I swore off alchohol when my dad died yet I'm sending you for wine coolers and whatever else because I just don't want to feel. I wake and bake daily. I'm suicidal if I don't. But I'm manipulative if I tell anybody of my struggles. I'm useless and I wish I could help you more. Or I wish you appreciated the help I give enough to leave me alone once in a while. I feel like I live with my mom again because of you.

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Watching 70s show hurts because I could've been the Donna to your Eric if I was just a little more patient and open to doing things. I'm sorry I didn't go with you. Everything reminds me of us.
He reached out yesterday and I've been a mess since. I thought I was over him. He's better now and with someone else, and so am I, and I love who I'm with. But I miss him too and I feel like shit because of this. This all begs the question of wether or not I miss him or the way life was back then? I was abused but I didn't have to grow up yet nessasrily. Now I feel like I do, but with my partner by my side I'm safe to heal my inner child. I don't know what's going on in my head but it's confusing amd upsetting me and I don't feel like I can talk to a single person irl about it
tarot#1
Sticking a reading i did here to clear up a page in the rocketbook!
Ive had a breakthrough recently where ive realized even if im better off im not happy. energetically things are aligned for me to make change, though i need to be wary of disappointment caused by doubt, distrust, insecurity, and i need not let this opportunity pass bc of them. i need to manage my money and not be self indulgent, there is warning of potential incoming turmoil that will need to be resolved. I need not impose restrictions on myself, i need to allow the natural flow of the universe to continue. I need not be indifferent to my lack of skills, and def should refuse advice or training because of it. Along with all that, rest and keep my head.
Sad bc i dont think i actually wanted to leave this job, i just convinced myself i was incapable of doing it
kinda feeling another therapy tattoo soon

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kofi sketches I did a long while ago and forgot to post ( ̄y▽ ̄)╭ hehe… support me on kofi!
Something about nature reclaiming old technology. Feels very right.
followuponvent#2
so ive decided ill just do the workout i had previously designed, also i looked at the google room for my job group and i think the supervisor that was talking to me about calling of is just generally a bitch a bit but idk, i kinda dont blame her bc of the nature of the job
Vent#2
This week was alright. got in trouble at work for calling out a grand total of 2 times my whole career thusfar. was threatened with a writeup if i ever did it again before i was ventured. really not helping my morale here. accidently skipped taking my meds a few days again and its catching up with me. boyfriend is still major on the nerves bc he STILL wont clean up after himself on his own much less help me clean up without being asked. hate feeling like his mother. hes also starting to glue himself to me all the time whenever hes around which i would normally not mind but for some reason its really bugging me. maybe because i feel like i get hardly any alone time at all. i paid some bills tn and am finally getting what i consider to be true alone time, its pretty great. im really soaking up the silence of the apartment. i want to work on a workout routine (ill prob post it here since this is my journal and ill want it in a place accessible everywhere) bc working out helps me relieve a lot of stress. also unrelated but i kinda wanna teach myself to fight for fun, im keeping that in the back of my mind as a maybe hobby to persue alongside learning finnish (which ive been working on a little bit every day i work!)
30 days of shadow work challenge
hey everyone! i’ve found myself in a bit of a journalling/shadow work rut and thought i would give myself a little challenge to do for the next 30 days. i know that this is pretty common for a lot of people, so i thought i would share my challenge with you so we can keep each other accountable and do some reflective work 🤍 obviously you don’t have to do all 30 days, and this can purely be a prompt list if you need it! you can join in whenever you like 🤍
what is something you wish you could be doing right now? what’s stopping you?
if you could receive the truthful answer any question of your choice, what would you ask? why? what response would you hope for?
if you could change anything about your childhood, what would it be?
name 3 of your least favourite things about yourself. then challenge them - why do you think that way? what could you do to change?
what relationships in your life bring you joy and which ones don’t?
how could you show yourself love in your love language?
when was the last time you felt at peace?
write a letter to someone who hurt you - no matter how long ago. write everything you wish you could say to them, every emotion that comes up. burn, tear apart or flush away the letter
how would you treat yourself if you were a young child? how could you make them feel loved? see where you could incorporate that into your life
what triggers your temper most? why does it make you angry/frustrated/sad?
if you had everything you ever wanted, what would your life look like?
what emotions or feelings do you avoid? why?
what are your core values? do they align with the life you’re living right now?
what do you hate about yourself and why do you hate it? did someone tell you you should?
what negative patterns keep repeating in your life?
when you lash out, what part of you wants to be protected?
what is something you fear others knowing about you? why do you fear it?
in what ways do you consciously or unconsciously punish myself?
what is a grudge/instance that you are holding onto that no longer serves you? why are you holding on to it? how can you let it go?
what are your pet peeves? where do you think they come from?
when was the last time you felt wronged by someone?
when are you the hardest on yourself? why? can you find a way to be kinder to yourself?
how do you respond to situations that make you angry?
what are you the most proud of in your life?
in what ways are you hypocritical?
when am i my truest, most authentic self?
what advice would you give to yourself 5 years ago?
what boundaries do i need to set and reinforce in my life?
what things make you feel the most alive and present?
list 10 things you like about yourself. get specific! list more if you can 🤍

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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*takes one too many rips of the pen*
"God damn I see God, damn.
Personal goals list:
This list has no time limit but i seek to:
Develop a workout routine and stick to it
Learn finnish
Go back to school or find and persue something that fits me seriously
Pick up coding and or game development
Self taught or otherwise learn to REALLY fight
Start wearing the clothes i want to wear
Start writing
Build my art skills
Stop smoking
Slow down weed consumption
Upgrade life further be it by moving into a house vs apt or whatever
to be expanded