yes, the tides, they rise and fall

i’m back. they said journaling helps and i do think this is the safest place i need to keep my thoughts safe rather than with pen and paper. life’s been crazy, my 2021 self would’ve been proud of all the things i manifested. life kept going and going. busy nights, sleepy mornings, busy weekends, and still busy weekdays. i forgot to take pauses. yet again, i haven’t learned from the pandemic. my health has been deteriorating, i was at the point in my life i’m suspected to be having cancer. i was not okay. i was so scared i tried doing everything and nothing to keep myself busy with other things. in between those panic and inner hysteria were small reminders that life is good. car rides with my parents, weekend dates with my boyfriend, out of town trips with my girls, life still is sweet after all.

it was a time of pain and gratefulness mixed in one. i was in so much pain physically with my sickness and at the same time i was suffering mentally. i used to think i was on track, going to the gym, buying a car, doing okay at work. then my life had to turn 360 and had to stop. my body can’t handle stuff that used to boost me up. i had to heal and recover. i had to rest. i didn’t know what rest was. i was getting angry instead of resting. getting super scared instead of resting. getting sad instead of resting. getting exhauseted instead of resting. i was doing anything but to keep me from resting. 

i guess i still am trying to force myself to get back in track. but i know i’m still not okay. so this is me trying to journal my thoughts just to let it out. i don’t want to burden people anymore or make the people close to me worry, i just really hope for the best. i wish things would now go back to normal slowly. health really isn’t something you take for granted. and right now all i ever wish and pray for us good health, not just for me but for all the people i love and cherish. 

i receive all these negativity and i cant help but to pass them away.

im not capable of giving love.

im not good at nurturing.

i have all these pent up childhood trauma and all im capable is passing it to people close to me.

its nothing happening in the near future, but im quite sure ill never be an okay parent. im gonna turn out just like my mother.

im gonna be manipulative. im gonna want all the attention. im gonna expect something has to be given to me in return whenever i shower lots of love and affection.

im not suited for a family in the future.

im meant to be alone. why waste time trying to build a future. im ending up alone.

im stuck here. nothings gonna change.

im carrying all these bad traits. im not gonna be different. 

i am whole. i do not permit anything sent to destroy my inner peace.

i acknowledge that i grew up in a manipulative household but i will now learn how to set my own boundaries.

i am not responsible for my parents’ happiness so as they are not responsible for mine.

i am learning to unlearn so i would not pass on all these trauma to anymore person i love.

i am proud of myself for making adult decisions on my own. i will not feel guilty about this because every choice i make is one step closer to my own personal growth.

i am confident.

i know to my heart that all my intentions are pure when helping out people i love. i do not expect anything in return bc everything i put out there, i put out with love.

i am not my parents. i am different, a unique indivual with my own views and opinions.