Rai

Young people nowadays can’t live without the digital world, or in this specific time, we all can’t live without it especially right now because of pandemic. Technology is a really big part of our life. plain speaking, we can’t live without it. technology is most likely the most amazing work of  the human race and I very much agree on that fact. But at some point, the ones who are very much fond of browsing the internet and mostly likely to get engaged on digital technology are the youths, especially me.

To be honest I don’t really know that much about politics but it is not like I’m putting a blind eye especially since there is a pandemic going on in our country. I had remember that I developed my knowledge about politics was when my Uncle won the Mayor’s position in our province. I know his roles are very much important in handling this kind of position especially when our area really needs proper attention. but I also realized being in a situation like involving in politics is somehow a really big responsibility and also a dangerous spot. some really big people with their huge money wants to snatch away my Uncle’s position and our family is very alarmed. One time, it was like last month when there was a bombing incident in our town right when my uncle was driving his car back to his house, thank God nothing happened but his car was at a worst state. I still remember it clearly and also remember what it felt. it was like the ground was shaking and the sound of the bomb exploding was like crushing my eardrums, it was on the news but it faded quickly.

To be honest, Sometimes I would wonder if God even exists. the way the situation flows right now, the catastrophes, this pandemic, everything is a mess. I thought to myself “Why would God do such a thing?”. day by day I would always question my faith even though I’m a Roman catholic christian and I always pray, that one question still crosses my mind, but these skeptic judges doesn’t change for what I really believe in, that God is definitely real.

I knew from the very start that God was always here, he is with us, always. because when my sister was diagnosed by a stage Three skin Lymphoma tumor cancer, on the day of her surgery, my mom was also rushed to the emergency room because her fallopian tube is bleeding. By the look at my father’s face that day was the worst face that he made. he was crying outside the emergency room, and then run to check on my ate at the surgery room, and he didn’t know how to pay the expenses because we didn’t have enough money to cover everything, confused of where to go while holding my hand, and so, we came to the Spmc’s Church room. we prayed, giving all our energy praying that both my sister and mom would be okay.

and God answered our calls.

I remember when I was still in grade school, I had a pet named rocky. He’s an aggressive puppy to the point that even his owners can’t touch him or pet him haha. One day when I was walking home from school I saw him tangled in a barb wire at the side of the road.scared of him getting choked, I tended to help this adorable creature. at that time I didn’t even know that he was the untouchable puppy of my neighbors, at first I was so surprised because he was so tender and he even wagged his tail when I’m carrying him. My neighbors gave rocky to me and I without any hesitation, agreed. he was the most special dog who came to my life. he was so tender to us and was always smiling when he sees me. when I’m going to school everyday he secretly follows me to the point where he even joined one of my class. My teacher was slightly annoyed at first but in the end she even gave rocky some treats haha! oh God he was so special and unique. he has this pointy ears, milky and chocolate-like color and has a short tail, his past owners said that he has that tail since birth and I think it’s cute. 

but one day, he died because he was hit by a car.

I was so devastated, I cried for almost a month. it was like I’m at fault because at that time he was actually following me when I was walking to school. He was my first pet and I considered him as my best friend and a part of our family. he was the most special pet that came to my life and I’m thanking God for giving me such a good boy. up until now he still crosses into my mind. we may have 15 dogs now, but he was our very first dog. His name, his smile, the way he wags his 3 inches tail even after growing for almost 2 years and our experiences will always be and forever will be engraved in my heart. truth be told, I was crying while writing this chapter.

Today at my free time, I was scrolling at my movie list on my laptop and came across this very interesting movie. It entitles “The Miseducation of Cameron Post”. it’s about a girl named Cameron who was sent away to a rehabilitation center called “the God’s Promise” to get a “treatment” because she was caught having sex with the same sex  and also the fact that she is homosexual. In the climax, her fellow comrade in the rehabilitation center attempted to murder himself by cutting his own penis because his father can’t accept him for being a gay. To be frank this was quite sad, Having your own parents to question your own sexual orientation and kept on saying that Homosexuality is like a disease that needs to be treated. it makes me feel pissed and sad at the same time. Some people kept on stereotyping the members of LGBTQIA as people who are “sinners” and cannot be accepted. is it wrong to be who you are? it is not. I really hate those Homophobic people who kept on saying shallow reasons. it is not wrong to be who you exactly are as long as you are not stepping onto others or doing something wrong and harmful to your co-creatures.

To be honest I don’t really get them, those people who hate homosexuality. for me it was really brave of the LGBTQIA’s for expressing their true feelings and identity without having the thought of facing difficulties living with their true self. I really admire them. I too want to express myself but for now, I won’t because I’m not ready, yet.

Today I woke up early in the morning feeling exhausted even though my sleep duration was like 9 hours so I got worried, I thought that I should recall what I did the night before to find the reason to why I’m feeling tired when I woke up. only to realize that, all of the things I did since this pandemic started was just eat, sleep, watch animes and repeat. I never had the chance to look up to myself since God-knows-who when.

I recalled when I was still a senior high school student I am very thin and sometimes have pimples in my forehead and sometimes on my cheeks but its not that much, only few. I would eat healthy foods to maintain my weight and exercise daily. I enjoy doing outdoor activities and sometimes go out with my friends shopping at the mall (mostly at watsons). but since this pandemic started, I became less and less productive everyday. I can’t go out to do outdoor recreations, I can’t go to the mall and somehow it just hit me and sooner I never noticed that I became less and less interested when it comes to my physical appearance.

I started getting fat, my pimples had gone completely insane in my face because of the fact that I’m very wakeful at night 4 months straight, I never ate anything healthy and didn’t got the chance to exercise well. My friends kept on saying that I must focus on myself more ang quit just being a slug just lazying around my house, and that’s what I’m going to do from now on. 

I always thought that I was born into this world just to achieve the goals; to graduate, get a nice job, get married, start a family and be old enough to be contented of what I have. but I realized while being on that process, it’s not just that. discovering what i really want for myself not as a task or I need to do, but as a genuine thing that myself really desires is what I came up to do. no one ordered me to do and no one persuaded me, I truly and frankly did it for myself and myself only. but in order to achieve this, I would live my life to the fullest with the things I really want and with the people who I really love.  Sometimes, those people who are in your circles will leave you a big impact and lessons in life. I very much agree.

To be honest, in my voyage of discovering my self image is, by some means, difficult. My real self is quite mediocre, which is, the part of me that I really hate. I always get this feeling that I don’t excel in anything. my skills, my talents, and even my looks are all average. Some people do not see me in that way, but as far as I can define myself all I can view is mediocrity. As for my Personality, I’m a pretty sheltered person. I don’t trust easily, and sometimes I don’t get along with everything. In terms of my ideal self, I always overlook it as a guide to have a good life, which is, to have a steady job and work, to be insanely rich, and visiting a country I always dreamed of travelling. And because of these reasons, achieving my “ideal self” has become my goal in life, but It seems to me that selfdom has more to do with identity than what I do. It has to do with how I feel about myself than with what I achieve. I believe that if my identity is based on achievement, I can never achieve my ideal self. I will always have more goals, and never be satisfied.

Becoming my ideal self, I believe, has more to do with acceptance of myself as I am. This means it is not about achieving more. It's not about goals. It's about acceptance and appreciation of myself.

I’m Rachelle Anne Insular and I lived in Timanan South Upi, Maguindanao from the province of Cotabato. well technically my mother lived in iloilo and my father was originally from North Upi. We moved here because of their professions. I have an older sister named Alma Rose and we’re the only two siblings. I’m a pure ilonggo and also a christian. What i learned from the past chapters is that “Culture helps define how individuals see themselves and how they relate to others and a family's cultural values shape the development of its child's self-concept, Culture shapes how we each see ourselves and others.”

Every time my family and I are eating dinner we usually end up talking about me and my ate when we were sitll kids. as for mine, my mother told me I would imitate songs or the movie lines of what we watched. they’re favorite one was when I copied salbakutah’s famous song “Stupid love” because every time I hear that song I would shout “Stupen!” and then hum afterwards.there was also this time when I would imitate some people on television shows like disney princesses and my mother told me that I would even build a fort at the back of our house and pretend like I’m in a castle. we would laugh at our tables when we talk about it. My parents would also share how incredible I was because I learn how to speak and communicate at the age of 3. I haven’t realized that up until now. to be honest at that time I was never concerned about it, I only cared for what i can benefit for myself like toys and foods.

Some people already knew the answers when a certain person asked them “Who are you?” but in my case, well I don’t really know what to say. Yung tipong magdadalawang isip pa ako kung ano isasagot ko. Maybe I’ll just respond with a typical answer like my name, where I live, what are my hobbies and all. But at the same time I, too confused of who I really am. 

Today I ran into some of my childhood friends on facebook, Her name is Aivie. back in the days we usually hang out together at my mother’s classroom at school and play random things like stickers and rubber bands. she’s my classmate and at the same time my elementary best friend. ah, good old days haha! she was so pretty, slightly boyish and intelligent. she’s so kind to the point of being selfless, reminds me of that time when I usually had fevers because I was a hard headed kid. she always visits me and bring me some snacks and so that we could play together. I really admired her. the way she dresses, the way she acts the way that she could be totally friends with everyone, I admired every single one of her traits and personality. but sadly, that time in year 2010 she transferred to another school because her parents was divorced. and we didn’t saw each other since.

She messaged me on facebook and we video chatted so long.at some point of our talks I asked her “Aivie, what was I like 10 years ago? ”. her answer goes like this “you were a shy person chelle, haha. it was like there’s a border line in front of you isolating yourself with the others but your grades are so high, at first I was so hesitant to approach you but I’m glad I did. you were just also hesitant to have a friend or a person who know’s you because you’re afraid of judgement. but I’m glad I met you because you were the one who completed my childhood”.

I was so surprised of her answer, but I’m thankful for what I am 10 years ago, because if it wasn’t for this experience, I wouldn’t be able to develop what my self is now, it was like what Maurice Meleau-Ponty said about Identifying one’s self through phenomena of experiences, it was really amazing.

Some people already knew the answers when a certain person asked them “Who are you?” but in my case, well I don’t really know what to say. Yung tipong magdadalawang isip pa ako kung ano isasagot ko. Maybe I’ll just respond with a typical answer like my name, where I live, what are my hobbies and all. But at the same time I, too confused of who I really am.   

in this blog I will share my stories through 10 chapters about how I’ve been able to cope up with my real self, although I am not sure pa kasi alam naman nating lahat na “people change” but in terms of defining myself, I am getting there.