The Last Grey Wolf

"As the wave of COVID infections from the highly-contagious BA.5 subvariant finally subsided back in late July, new subvariants were already competing for dominance—and the opportunity to drive the next wave of infections.

A little over two months later, epidemiologists are close to naming a winner. In the United Kingdom, infections from a highly mutated subvariant called BQ.1.1 are doubling every week—a rate of growth that far exceeds other leading subvariants. In the U.S., BQ.1.1 is spreading twice as fast as its cousin subvariant BA.2.75.2.

That means BQ.1.1 is very contagious. But that’s not the subvariant’s most alarming quality. What’s most worrying is that it also evades certain antibodies. In fact, BQ.1.1 seems to be the first form of COVID against which antibody therapies—evusheld and bebtelovimab, for instance—don’t work at all."

When I first wrote this, I just simplified into the lowest common denominator something @instructor144 said once about kink or BDSM is the way some people like “us” have sex.

I’m a firm believer that words matter and that good communication requires us to define like terms.

So D/s (shorthand for Dominance and submission) is the catchall for a defined Power Exchange relationship. If we think of it like a marriage, it becomes relatively easy to understand that D/s does not require sex (plenty of marriages are sexless). And just like marriage, there are as many different ways to live a Power Exchange as there are ways to live a marriage. The labels most commonly bandied about are D/s, DD/lg, CG/l, M/s, HoH, DD (Domestic Discipline), Taken in Hand, etc. But they are all expressions of a Power Exchange relationship.

Sticking with the marriage analogy, before and during a marriage, the operating parameters are negotiated. Things like finances, living arrangements, holiday rituals, shared and seperate responsibilities, exclusivity rules, future children, etc. are the “usual issues” negotiated in a marriage. In a Power Exchange relationship it’s things like what areas of the relationship and “life stuff” will be given control of to the identified “Dominant” partner, aka the leader. And just like all those “holiday rituals” the day to day D/s rituals will be full of emotional content and evolving. (Wanna see a knock down drag out in a secular or Christian Christmas negotiation? Set these “rules:” Do you do gifts on Christmas Eve? Whose house do you go to for breakfast or is it dinner or both?) In a Power Exchange, it’s the titles, tasks, daily rituals, acceptable punishments, etc. that are full of emotional content.

All of the above are about how to LIVE a relationship. None of it is about sex.

BDSM is a sexual style. Sure there are specific acts one can label as BDSM or kinky but the occasionally pinning down a partner doesn’t make for a “style.” You may own and enjoy a wand, but that doesn’t make you a forced orgasm aficionado. No, I’m not referring to any one, or set of, specific sexual acts. I’m referring to a preferred overall style, aka sexual expression.

Vanilla sexual preference doesn’t preclude kink anymore than kink precludes vanilla sex.

There are plenty of D/s relationships that only have good old fashioned vanilla sex. They approach the bedroom as vanilla equals, finding their greatest sexual joy in the romantic vanilla connection and can’t ever imagine orgasm denial or leaving bruises. And that’s okay!

There are also plenty of vanilla relationships where the minute the bedroom door closes, one partner takes absolute control and vanilla becomes a flavor of ice cream shared during aftercare.

runnersworld.com: ‘I Have Metastatic Breast Cancer—but I Won’t Stop Running Ultras’.

https://www.runnersworld.com/runners-stories/a25615912/running-with-metastatic-breast-cancer/

Moi after a 100 mile finish in the dessert near San Jancinto, California.

Did I mention I was between infusions for stage 4 Renal Cancer?

Flew down, ran, flew back, got up the next morning for round #8.

So, let me ask you ….

You can’t do [fill in the blank] why?!?!?!?

Here ends today’s BULLSHIT detection testing.

@instructor144 just answered an anon about getting online to meet fellow kinky people. I just reblogged it, and it inspired me to do my first little bit of writing on here.

I got into kink through Tumblr, and my curiosity led me to take the plunge onto FetLife. After a few weeks, I started talking to/vetting a potential Dom (who I will refer to as PD), and learned a lot from it. In fact we are still talking, and I am still learning. The main lesson I’ve learned from this process has been that you should always have control over your own safety when talking to someone online. You should also always have the freedom to make your own choices in regards to what you share with this person, as well as have the ability to confirm that this person is who they say they are.

There are a few rules I have in place for myself that are non-negotiable. They are there to keep me safe. 

1. Never be afraid to ignore and delete messages. This goes for blocking people, too. If a “Dom” sends me a message where he is immediately ordering me around, starts right off the bat with a pet name, or if his profile is full of dick pics, I ignore him.

2. Always confirm their identity, ESPECIALLY before giving them any personal information. Don’t be afraid to do some serious internet sleuthing. Ask them for something that provides undeniable evidence that they are who they say they are. I actually had PD send me a picture of his ID from work. Will you feel creepy for doing this? Probably. But a real Dom and a considerate human being will be more than accommodating and understanding. Keep in mind that they may want the same kind of proof from you.  **PD actually recommends setting up a separate email, or WhatsApp or a similar app if you’d rather text. This allows you to communicate off of Fetlife(etc.) without giving away your personal contact info to someone who you may not be sure of yet.

3. Meet in public first. Kinky fuckery is fun, but going right over to someone’s home or inviting them into yours leads to a huge chance of trouble. Meet for a traditionally vanilla date. Seeing someone in person can really help you get a feel for them and what intentions they may have. If you’re long-distance like PD and I am, Skype. It’s not as good a in-person, but it is an effective way to get some facetime, so to speak. And of course, when you do meet up, even after Skyping, it should still be in public. **PD brought up waiting to start bondage, and has emphasized it a lot. Don’t go to an internet friend’s house and let them tie you up and render you helpless. That’s not kinky fun, that’s just a recipe for disaster. Wait until you really really REALLY trust someone before you put yourself in a position where they are in control of your safety.

4. Say “no”. If a potential Dom asks you for nudes or tries to push you to offer any sort of submission before you’re ready, say no. These are also signs of a fake Dom, and you should probably end things. Never be afraid to stick up for yourself. PD always says, “I will never ask you for pictures. You should offer them as a gift.”

5. Establish a support base. Meet other subs and establish a connection with them. The world of kink is a small one, and chances are if someone seems fishy, they already have a reputation. Having kinky friends to confer with can bring some much-needed information and peace-of-mind!

6. Always keep learning. Educate yourself on what a good Dom looks like - How does he act? What are his philosophies of BDSM and power exchange? - and learn to find the flowers among the weeds. Never stop learning, either!

One of the most common questions I’ve been asked by my Vanilla friends about Cg/l (or D/s in general) is why someone would want to be told what to do by someone else. It’s a really understandable question because it would seem that having someone tell you what you can or can’t do, what you can and can’t eat, and even what clothes to wear would be anathema to the concept of a strong, independent person. Vanilla culture praises the people who take orders from nobody and who don’t have to have some overseer to approve of their choices and validate their worth. Why, then, would someone seek out a person and intentionally give them this power?

In order to understand why someone would seek a power exchange relationship, you have to have an understanding of what is actually taking place. The best place to begin is to look at the person giving up the power - in this case, littles (since that’s my area of interest). Please note that this is general information, and won’t apply to every little out there.

As the title suggests, the mind of a little is a very busy, chaotic place. The world around them is big, mean, and sometimes senseless. Even littles who have been very successful in their careers and who have their lives sorted out can be fatigued by the randomness and the cruelty around them. They are besieged by people and things that demand their attention and require them to make decisions. For even the most badass of littles, this can begin to wear on them.

Adding to all of the external pressure is the internal struggles that they face. Maybe it’s remembering to eat healthy foods, take their meds, and get plenty of sleep and exercise. Perhaps it’s the struggle to keep up with the housework and to stay on top of their hobbies, or maybe it’s added focus they require in order to power through tough homework assignments or to do the big things they need to do. Willpower is a rare commodity for most people, and littles are no exception here.

See, being a Daddy Dom/Caregiver is not about being a dictator or a tyrant, but rather, a partner and a coach. It’s about forming a relationship that is designed around meeting the needs of all parties and formulating and implementing strategies for overcoming challenges and accomplishing goals. The only power that is given is that which is acceptable to everyone, and the rules that are put into place are agreed upon by all parties instead of implemented unilaterally. There is a reason and a purpose behind everything, and these are discussed beforehand and revised later as needed.

Structure, Discipline, Rules, Tasks, Rituals - these are more than just buzzwords and catchphrases; they are the tools and the mechanisms we use to achieve the goals that we set. When a little feels owned, it isn’t because they have been objectified and dehumanized, but because of the combination of care and respect they’ve been given, as well as the responsibility and consistency demonstrated by their Dom. It is a feeling that can go deeper than simply being loved, because of the focus and continuing effort required.

Rules and Tasks are the framework for Structure. They define the behaviors that will lead to the desired outcomes as well as the actions necessary to get there. Through Rewards and Punishments, we seek to direct them towards the beneficial behaviors and away from the detrimental ones (some littles are what I call “self-punishing”, while others do not respond well to punishments, so not all dynamics use overt forms of punishment). Rituals produce a sense of calm and predictability and help the little to feel safe and settled. Protocols preserve the respect in the dynamic and help to reinforce the deference and respect within the relationship.

We Caregivers/Doms use these tools to help lighten the loads carried by our littles. With so many things going on in their lives, we become a force of calm and of strength. We handle the decisions they don’t want to have to make, and we use our constant and consistent presence in their lives to help them stay strong when their willpower begins to flag. Through our encouragement and guidance, we help them to realize their potential and avoid the distractions and pitfalls they might otherwise fall prey to.

Little brains are busy places, but the space we create for them is one of peace amongst the chaos and of quiet amidst the noise. That relationship is like a Zen garden they can retreat to when the rigors of life become too great a burden to bear. When you take those burdens away from them, you can see and feel the sense of relief. The light and the life comes rushing back to them when they have a chance to set those things aside and to dwell within that space, and that is the reward that keeps me going.

This meme came across my dash earlier. I saw it a few years ago while in the midst of a silent treatment and it resonated. At that point, I was married to an emotionally abusive narcissist. I am hoping that by sharing this,” Doms” who choose to use this method will understand how harmful it is.  My silent treatment began as a result of my Dr. putting me on bedrest at 6 months pregnant. I won’t bore you with the episode that led to the treatment, but from that moment until I left a year and a half later, the only words he spoke to me were because he absolutely had to. (For instance, people were around, or he needed information he couldn’t otherwise do without) We lived in the same house, ate meals together, etc. but he wouldn’t look at me, or speak to me. This wasn’t the first time I had gotten the silent treatment. In the past, it had really hurt. This time… was different. This time, I was thankful. It meant I didn’t have to hear his negativity, his criticisms and put downs. I didn’t have to hear how everything was my fault. No more crazy gas lighting. In this year and a half…. I got stronger. I stopped caring about what he thought, or even what he wanted. For someone with a submissive personality, who lives to serve and please others, to stop caring…. that takes a lot. I formed a plan to escape, and I did. Wasn’t as smooth as I’d hoped, but I left. I never once regretted walking away from him. There was a moment when watching my children hurt over being bounced back and forth that I wondered if it was right… but even then, I didn’t regret leaving.  The custody battle was hell…. I felt very weak, but looking back, I do realize the strength it took. Not only to leave, but to fight. Long before I left, I learned how to live without him.  You may be thinking, I am not abusive. Maybe you would never give the silent treatment for more than a few days. Maybe you don’t feel you are otherwise abusive, and maybe you aren’t. Maybe you simply don’t understand what the silent treatment does.

In the beginning.. it is crushing. There is no punishment bigger than knowing you’ve disappointed the one you love. So just the idea that you’ve hurt or angered someone enough that they feel the need to further crush you by ignoring you.. feels devastating. She may even believe she deserves it. Which honestly is just worse. It reinforces an idea that she (or he, using female pronouns because that’s what applies to me) is worthless. I will assume at the very least, that if you have entered into a power exchange relationship, (or ANY kind of relationship) that there is genuine care and concern for the person who has put their life and well being into your hands. If the weight of that doesn’t convince you of the seriousness of this talk, please relinquish the title of Dom. Why would you want anyone to feel worthless? What infraction could possibly warrant making someone feel they have no value?

Once the crushing period is over, the next phase is numbness. If you continue to dish this out as punishment, she will get a point where she closes part of herself off. This should never be a goal for a Dom. In order for her brain to come to terms with the abusive behavior, she has to disconnect from her feelings about what is happening.  If your relationship wasn’t in trouble before, it’s in serious trouble now. She no longer feels emotionally safe with you, even if she doesn’t understand yet that is what is happening. She is more likely to hide things from you. Not out of rebellion or disobedience, but out of emotional fear. Many subs will walk away before it gets to this point, and they should. There will be those that stay for one reason or another. Just because they are still there, doesn’t mean it is healthy.  The last phase, is where it starts to strengthen her. You’ve taught her how to live without you. There will come a point where she realizes, that emotionally, she is already alone and can’t count on you. She’ll eventually figure out any other obstacles that may keep her there, finances or what not. Do you want to be the guy that puts her through any of these phases? Can you look in the mirror knowing you made someone feel like this and still think of yourself as a good guy? Would you stay with a sub who periodically felt you didn’t deserve her attention? Do you want to be the reason someone in the future feels it’s important to write a blog about guys who administer the silent treatment? Do you think it would be ok for a man to treat your mother, or daughter that way? Not that it should take that to understand how abusive it is, it shouldn’t, but if that’s the way this hits home to you, then think of it in those terms. Do you want anyone to make your daughter feel worthless and unlovable? A punishment should better your sub, not make her need therapy. 

Please… just stop.