can i give it up or give it away

I’m not sleeping right (on a schedule, too much, too little) and I’m not eating well (too much, too little, not healthy enough), and like...I’m always one kind of sore or another. I REALLY need to bring my meds back into line and for my schedule to start being normal, even if it’s flipped because third shift. Just...I need a better routine. But on the whole? I’m okay. Surprisingly okay. Saving money and still treating myself. A fairly even mood, PMS notwithstanding. It’s just been so tough keeping in touch with people. Like, I’ve barely talked to Mike for over a month now. I think I’ve had maybe one phone call with Will since I got the job? I really really miss the days when I could stay up all night scrolling Tumblr and hanging out with everyone, but by the time I get home from work, I’ve completely forgotten how being social works. So I guess it’s just down to me getting used to the job and the team evening out and then...maybe things will find a new normal? Looking forward to a new normal. 

For real, I’m having the worst mood swings I’ve ever experienced. I can’t form an appropriate emotional response to anything. It’s always angry or sad or just...so fucking dramatic. And I know that’s anxiety, but I can’t inflict this moodiness on anyone. Therapy is Friday. And then I’ll make an appointment with the doctor to get me back on meds. Because this can’t go on. I don’t like feeling like a stranger. The me I cultivated isn’t this mean. They’re not this angry at nothing. This isn’t me and I don’t like it. But trust me that by being a ghost for now I’m sparing you and saving this friendship. It’s gonna get better. It has to get better.

it’s one of those days where suddenly everything feels super precarious. like the whole world could topple over at any minute with no warning but the feeling in my gut.

I am socially and emotionally exhausted and all I wanna do is get stoned and crochet something other than fucking gloves and scarves. So, gonna do that and maybe start a blanket I guess because FUCK WHY NOT.

Today’s been so weird and I know it’s just because I’m hormonal or whatever, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and gotta figure out how to stop that. Looks like I’m an anxious mess no matter where I am. I miss my dog and I miss my friends, but at least I’m getting lots of hugs. Eh. This mood will pass. Give it time.

I don’t know how many ways there are to say “please don’t go in my room”, but apparently I haven’t found the one that works yet. That’s my safe space. My retreat. The one place I thought I could be assured some privacy and alone time. Apparently I’m wrong. Might wind up staying home tomorrow to guard it. Which is absolute bullshit.