Ace of The Lost Empire

it’s weird that professional letters are supposed to start with “dear.” i don’t even call my mom that

my darling hiring manager. my springtime rose. if hired i will bring a strong work ethic to this position

a tshirt that says I LIKE YOU AND I'M TRYING TO UNDERSTAND YOU

For all its faults Tumblr has truly ruined all other social media for me because my friends all have Instagram and are all trying to get me on Instagram more but every time I open Instagram there are like fifteen things screaming for my attention and when I get over myself long enough to start scrolling it's like. Where is my chronological dash. Where is the following-only option. Who are these people. Why are there so many videos. Everyone is screaming at me. And then before I know it I'm thirty minutes into scrolling and I haven't seen a single thing that I actually care about. At least on Tumblr when I see stuff I don't care about I know someone I follow has found a new interest.

they call it amtrak because the trains am on the trak

Another reason why trains would be good is that most people are not good at driving

such insolence... guards? seize her! ...no. stop. not like that. you are doing it gay. why are you seizing her gay style

sometimes there really is a single load bearing piece of information about a blogger that elucidates everything about their whole deal and recently for me it was learning that someone was from jersey. another time it was a prolonged history of concussions

The only true way to immortality is to say so much weird shit that your words will forever live rent-free in other peoples' heads. Like the person who decided to string together the sequence of words "shaking like a chihuahua shitting out a peach stone." Like why did you make me read that. It emerges in my head regularly, whenever I least expect it and the situation needs it the least.

I do that often

we did it! we saved the fucking whales!!!!

Environmental activism works!!! If they tell you its hopeless they're lying and/or selling some shit!!!

i'm close ☹️

wanted it too badly award

I'm in a little local cafe and the women behind the counter started griping to each other, "Oh Christ, Stephen's back again," "It's him, is it? I thought he'd stopped coming," "It's definitely him, look, it's bloody Stephen on a Thursday morning," "Do you want me to get rid of him or are you going to do it?" and so I was peering outside, trying to spot this nightmare customer, this pestilence of a person, this pox upon the cafe trade, and then one of the women from behind the counter ran outside, clapping two trays together loudly and yelling "GET OUT OF IT, STEPHEN!" and it turns out that Stephen is an absolutely gigantic fuck-off seagull who hangs around outside, menacing people for crumbs