To Live Will Be An Awefully Big Adventure

How long ago did she fall for him? How long was she planning to leave? I had stopped everything. Why did she tell me so many little lies? I’m trying so hard to better myself, but she lives rent free in my head every day. She jumped right into another relationship, so I don’t know if she is even thinking about me or any of the good times we had. The memories and life experiences we shared. I am forever grateful for that time, and I hope that time isn’t over, but just on pause, however long. I miss her so much, but I don’t think she misses me.

She asked me to hang out with him, if it was ok that they texted, and she always talked about my lies…but I see that she had a long lie related to him. She would not have jumped out of an 8 year relationship and straight into this one if she hadn’t worked on it for a while. I know now why he didn’t talk to me anymore, why he didn’t want me to cut the tree by his back door, why he didn’t want me to use his wifi. He was gunning for this the whole time, and I knew it, but I trusted her. Did he move nearby just for this? She said “he has been your friend”. What a friend.

I am by no means blameless, and I took far too long to grow up, but I was ready, after these years. If she had been direct and not given me hints in poem form or said she was going to leave…

I feel abandoned. She has given up all hope in me and our relationship. Even her friends said “fuck you and fuck this place!” as they walked out. I’m not a monster, but I am not perfect. I’m working in it, but she can’t see it.

I’m keeping this ring for her. I will become a better version of myself and hope my waiting is not in vain. That she still has love for me somewhere in there. Maybe she doesn’t, because she doesn’t want me in her life anymore.

I ride my bike part way to her every day hoping she might just walk down that trail and meet me…but it is a fantasy. At least it’s good for my health. I wonder what her life is, only a few weeks later.

She is the love of my life, and she brought so much light to it. So much flavor. She painted the walls of my days, even when we sat there quietly and did our own things. I was too drunk and depressed to see what I was and wasn’t doing. Now all I have is reflection and regret to build on. I’m still moving forward, but there may be no hope.

Losing her has shattered my hopes, dreams, and plans, because we had built a life in which she was a core piece of the future. How do you rebuild everything that you worked for over 8 years. It wasn’t always perfect, but we had made it through. I’ve been so proud of her and her accomplishments. I wanted to keep walking forward with her.

I will give her this space and let her try to find her happiness, but I cannot fathom actually trying to be in another relationship. I don’t even have interest in anyone else. I can’t watch porn. I can’t watch tv. I can’t tell her about cool new nature stuff I learned. I can’t go to Mounds…

I miss her family. I miss her cooking. I miss her photography. I miss her. My pain doesn’t mean anything to her anymore, and she is socially/emotionally unavailable now, but I know that is a healthy barrier she has built for healing and her relationship, and it may allow her to move on. She just moved on so quickly…and that really hurts.