The Randomness, The Seriousity

I don't think I realized how integral he is to my life - how perhaps, dependent I am upon him - until these recent events.

I delay processing, or deflect emotional stress until I can see him; and by the grace of our relationship, the comfort of the room - stress is transformed into humor or nonchalance.

Not having him to process, to harbor me is a world I didn't envision - at least so soon. The thought of losing him without saying goodbye, without over validating how grateful I am to him makes a welt rise in my throat, immediately.

if your hands were on me would I feel better? or is the weight of you, drowning me even if it feels good, right, to die

days like today seem monumental short term catastrophe, long term blip how do we cope and fight what will we, can we, win?

every time I turned, you were watching me

the song, a narrative of our love for each other

With the twins - one room, 16 months. Luke & Marlena - the violence and separation in ability/behavior. With B&J again, I realize I'm just done.

I have no creative or intellectual outlet. I have no meaning except to clean other people's houses and listen to marital problems - provide respire from the children that overwhelm them.

I'm unfulfilled in this job, but afraid to take another. Since my depression, I don't have confidence in my identity. How do I market, be dependable with an unstable vision of self?