Insecurities

Regrettably and unavoidably, I have consumed a much too plenty amount of food. With all the family reunions and Christmas feasts going on this week, I have been trying to break a sweat as much as I can to make up for all the Christmas Calories I've consumed. So yeah really it has been a pain in the ass that I have to work harder to slim myself down since I didn't have the will power to resist food.

What I regret the most of the eating events was that I couldn't say no to the food. They were delicious and I can't help myself. I know I've gained weight and it sucks since I am trying as hard as I can to cut back but New Year is just around the corner so sml.

I don’t know how else to put this but I am constant and it sucks. Being in the same place in life over and over again with people changing around you but your emotions just stay the same and just literally you’re waiting for that life-changing moment that never comes and when the moment does present itself to you you’re too caught up in your fear of change to take the chance.

I am constant because of my “inner demons” as I call them. I’m afraid of what people think of me even when I act like I don’t. I try to look as confident and as comfortable in every situation when there are times that I just want to burst into tears at the thought of being called out on my act. Another constant is people I need to please and the biggest bitch out of them all is yours truly. How do you even win a war against yourself?

I always try keeping my cool but when there's a bump in the road I am instantly flustered and scared.

So yes, I know what it feels like to want to disappear. Just for a little while people forget me even if it hurts. No one wants to be forgotten but sometimes people just do. That sucks as well.

I hate change but I want change and that causes me to be a constant. It may seem whiney that I want something to happen but make no move to do it but I do face my fears. Every day is one fear down. It doesn’t help that I constantly think “Don’t mess this up. Don’t mess this up. Don’t mess this up.” all the time because I just do. It’s who I am. I mess things up and it makes people stay away from me. So if you (yes, the one reading this) don’t want to get messed up as well you can just stay away rather than stay and tear yourself away so readily and so quickly as well. I may not know who leaves but I already know that someone will and that sucks. (constant)