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Sam: I'm listening.

Merry: I'm ignoring you.

Pippin: I'm a cabbage!

Sam: You're thirty-three.

Pippin: Well, we were making tea...

Merry: And then things escalated.

Frodo: Escalated? There's a whisk embedded in the ceiling

(Gimli throws his axe at Legolas. It misses and gets stuck in the wall.)

Legolas: Really, Gimli?!

Gimli: Consider that a warning shot from the "Ugly Baby" defense squad.

Aragorn: (Walks out of his study and immediately notices the axe embedded in the wall) How did that get there?

Legolas: Gimli threw it at me! He’s creating a hostile work environment!

Aragorn: Did you deserve it?

Sam: Sorry, Mister Frodo. I promised Merry i wouldn't snitch on him

Merry: Sam!

Sam: Oops.

Merry: Well if you'll excuse me, i think i left something in the kitchen (walks towards the exit).

Frodo: We are in the kitchen, you idiot!

Merry: Ah, so we are. My mistake. The, uh, matching linoleum really threw me off.

Frodo: Don't you try to charm your way out of this, Merry Brandybuck! This was my favourite mug!

Merry: It was a complete accident! I was practicing a high note and the sheer acoustic power of my voice must have shattered the porcelain.

Frodo: You dropped it while trying to catch an apple, didn't you?

Merry: ...Yes.

Pippin: (walking into the room) Hey guys. Merry, thanks for the new guitar pick, by the way.

Frodo: What guitar pick?

Pippin: (takes a piece of Frodo's broken mug out of his pocket) This sharp little porcelain piece right here. You know, it looks a lot like Frodo's favourite mug.

Merry: Pippin, you could not have chosen a worse time to say that.

Gimli: What's happening out there?

Legolas: Shall I describe it to you, or would you like me to find you a box?

Gimli: No, I would like a tall friend who doesn't make height jokes every thirty seconds!

Aragorn: The blood of my enemies.

Waitress: We’re out of that.

Aragorn: A chicken wrap, then.

Legolas: I can sing a very moving ballad about the dripping water.

Gimli: I can stare at it until it feels uncomfortable and stops.

Pippin: (Eating a donut) That’s brave.

Merry: ...Pippin, give me a piece of that donut.

Pippin: No, Merry. Stay strong. Think of your health.

Sam: He’s having a "power nap."

Gandalf: It’s been four hours.

The hobbits: Yes, Gandalf.

Gandalf: Does everyone have their luggage?

The hobbits: Yes, Gandalf.

Gandalf: Did anyone leave the stove on in the Shire?

Pippin: ...I’ll be right back.

Pippin: The grass?

Merry: No.

Sam: A tree?

Merry: No.

Frodo: The sheer envy I feel for people who are currently asleep?

Gimli: Can we negotiate for five?

Legolad: I can do three, but I’m going to need a lollipop afterwards.

Eomer: That's a slice of ham wrapped around a Kit-Kat.

Eowyn: It's a fusion of sweet and savoury!

Legolas: I'm not helping you bury a body again.

Frodo: Yesterday you used a leaf blower to get Pippin down from the roof.