like•disco•lemonade

silent mourning

may 2023

when i sit still long enough, i feel every bitter second sink into me. The scent of stale bedsheets now feels like home. i have started to savor your bitterness, it’s all that i have left of you. i never noticed you tasted bitter. i loved your taste—so familiar, like it was made just for me. it felt like it had always been there, like it had never left. And now, i can’t understand how it recognized the bitter taste. it was always there.

Life has been unbearably cruel, and i can’t even cry for help. I’m back to my normal life, mourning you in silence. You’re in yours—free, careless, becoming everything you never stood for.

moving through the motions, and each one leads me back to the last time you felt near me. warm, light, natural. always so in sync

& then suddenly—it’s cold. heavy, distant, suffocating. my reality.

i used to dream of you and feel your closeness. now i dread the night. i don’t see you, but your voice haunts me. in your silence for me & us.

your voice offers no comfort. it taunts me. you don’t even speak to me, we no longer exist to you. the silence that you bring for me is agonizing . it’s deafening. but i would still kiss you to taste the comforting bitterness of your tongue.

all the signs i didn’t see, but most of them i did. i was just to naive to believe it was more than a facade in place for unrealistic expectations. i’d fix the broken parts of us I didn’t see, but we weren’t broken- you were. i would take your broken parts that cut into me and place them back. your hurt i could just pour into me and still, i crave how you lied to me. the attention & friction that came with it. how intense you fabricated us to be.

in that false pretense, I felt timeless, divine, desired and high. in your lies i got to feel like somebody else. an identity of my own shaped and bodied by deception.

while we were running, we somehow let go of each other hands. i don’t remember letting go, my hands just lost you. when i stopped running you weren’t in sight.

as time passes, the invisible string we once tied so tightly begins to stretch—longer, thinner, drowning in the water. i can’t remember you clearly, but i know i crave you. the place where we were knotted together is coming undone. i can feel the comfort of the release coming, but then i know that you’re gone forever.

is there any part of me that you kept? like i have tried to keep all of you & only the betrayal stayed.

is the version of me—the one you craved & desired roaming freely in your thoughts, stuck in time with you, reliving the times you got me how you wanted? do you remember me & physically miss me? did you keep the version of me laying in the dark listening to your heart beating and your breathing shake?

life is this wet cold that stings, even when the sun is out. thinking of you devastates me. deteriorating deep in my chest, unable to breathe. painful sighs leave my body when i stubble upon your things, our things, memories of you, memories of us.

the parts of me you claimed and the secrets you buried deep in me changed the makeup of my body—rewired something in me—to forever know that you’re not with me. the cold coming from my body longs for a warmth only your body can provide.

I’m making wishes on stars to experience you again. to be who i was inside that illusion again. i would tiptoe quietly and slowly to not be noticed, so i can stay in make-believe safe space.

hearing you in the dark—your world folding into mine. I crave sitting in that place, the rush that came from you. hearing you breathe out as i would breathe you in.

our words mixing. our edges breaking. our thoughts intertwining as one. no borders, no titles, no boundaries. meeting each other with complex thoughts and heavy burdens, that disappear as we touched. hidden from the rest, in the dark, alone, together.