patient no.18228

My perioral dermatitis which has turned into a full face peeling allergic rash turns out to actually be a ✨️chronic infestation of skin mites✨️ likely because my derm has been treating it with topical steroids for 8 years and absolutely demolished my skin barrier and those bastards took over

And now I have to put ivermectin on my face like a fuckin covid conspiracist lmfao

And then eventually I have to shut the whole friendship down before the weight of my instincts to do something about their supposed posession would crush it in a way more theatrical and hospitalization-inducing manner. I've been doing this over and over again for almost a decade. I have lost friends, the love of my life, business associates, etc, to this. It took me six years alone to realize what was going on. It will never fucking end.

"Fortunately" for me my abuse began pretty early in childhood & right before it did, I literally suffered brain damage so I Do Not Remember anything that happened beforehand. I had to relearn to walk and speak and to use the toilet which was a direct pipeline to constant physical and verbal abuse from my peers for years even before the Big Traumas happened lol, I don't have Happy Times to be nostalgic for, this is all I've known, all I've ever been, and it makes recovery so cathartic in a different way?

When friends who are in a similar stage in recovery go "the last time I was this happy I was in kindergarten..." and that mixes their happiness with a type of sad nostalgia... jesus, that must be shitty. Anyway, this is the first time I get to experience being somewhat happy with my life, woohoo, this rocks

*people think I'm a bitch because of flat affect*

*people think I'm being mean because of flat affect*

*people think I don't care about them, am bored of them or not listening to them because of flat affect*

*people think I don't appreciate the things they do for me because of flat affect*

*people think I'm mad at them because of flat affect and they get scared of me / angry because they don't think I have a reason to be mad*

And of course all that pent up rage and violence might have originally been directed at other people, it's gonna be taken out on the people close to you because they are the ones who are there, and the ones you can hurt with the least consequences... A stranger is more likely to make a police case out of you beating them up than a loved one because they care about you and are more reluctant to get you into a legal mess / are more likely to forgive you because they want to think of you as a good person.