Dian yang Tak Ingin Padam

Eight. Really? I’ve wrote seven posts about you, and this is gonna be the eighth.

You broke the record. Or maybe it’s just because I have more time to write now. I don’t know. But like I said before, I’ve never been too obsessed with a person other than you. You are the first person who make me feel the urge to have someone loving me back.

I feel so ashamed, and stupid, for loving you. For wanting you.

Arggghhhhh

Why can’t you just disappear from my mind?

Won’t you please being a jerk so I can hate you?

Hellooo

It’s been a while, I currently busy working on my final task (nope, I just regularly open my laptop and read some article or just scrolling twitter timeline) LOL

Well, if lately I posted about ‘geu namja’, today I’ll tell you a story about my new life as ‘anak kosan’ hahaha

Since I recruited by this company and moved to Palembang, I officially live on my own, not with my family anymore, far away from my best friends. Here, in the middle of nowhere, me and some of my fellas started our new life and try to adapt with this town.

The town itself are my towns neighbor, so I have to be grateful for not be placed in a land far far away like some of my friends. Yes, I have to be grateful, because here, God gives me good companies. With them, I eat my lunch and dinner on time. They also push me to study with them. If they’re not here with me, maybe I’ll just laying on my bed all day long on the weekend. I’ll be the lazy hazy girl all alone hahaha

So thank God, in this coming winter, I have my company to face it.

‘Hai, selamat bertemu lagi, aku sudah lama menghindarimu...”

Yap, after three weeks, finally I couldn’t resist your charm. I shouldn’t have join that VC,  Maybe if I didn’t join, I wouldn’t feel this way. But the temptation was so real, I saw you on the list and it drove me crazy lol

I didn’t even talk, or turn my camera on, cause all I want is just to see your face. But then you called my name, and asked me to turn my camera on, asked about how I’m doing so far etc. I know it’s just you being nice, and maybe you always do that to everyone. But me and my dumb head always respond to your voice and words in a very excessive way. I’m so happy I didn’t realize that I broke my wall. The wall that I build for the last three weeks to defend my head from your charm.

You! Why are you so far away? Why can’t you feel the same way? Why don’t you love me?

Well, I realize that  I’m being too obsessive again, So I’ll start to build my wall again. I hope it won’t fall too easy like the last one.

It’s been a while since the last time we chat.

I really did my best to avoid my own imagination about you in every way.

I didn’t scroll our chat, I didn’t respond your jokes on group chat either. I tried to keep busy with everything. That way, I’m not interacting with you anymore. Even my mind didn’t think about you as much as before, and that makes me a little happier.

But then, you come again through my dream. It destroyed all the progress.

Again, it’s not your fault. It’s my brain.

I keep trying to move, but then they send a picture of you, with hairy head. You look so dazzling and more attractive. God knows how many times I keep looking at that picture in awe.

Why so hard?

I can’t imagine how hard it is for Arie to forget Amik. How disappointed Aflah with his love life. Me with my one sided love is just nothing compared to their wrecked six years relationship.

Move on is hard, but that’s still do-able. So, I’ll keep trying. Because I don’t want to be a fool anymore. I don’t want to disgrace myself. I have to knock my brain and make it realize that sometimes what we want isn’t always right for us, and in living a hard life, we have to keep the balance between optimism and reality.