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@inkcoveredfingertips
The heart is a vital muscle
It shapes its way through experiences
Even though these experiences should have taught me to create a seal around what's fragile instead of trying to find someone to drop it on, my heart is weak for contentment.
It's weak for nesting itself into the arms of someone who just needs a pillow for a night.
- somewhere in April 2020
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Mistakes haunt me like unfinished projects. The outcome is never guaranteed.
If they are yours, anger might suffice.
If they are mine, desperate cries echo from the inside.
The worst thing?
The silence that
comes after I
have laid down
my bare soul.
- Nothing more to say, i.c.f.
Together I want to untangle the clatter But once our eyes meet the mess doesn't matter What matters is only you and me And the silence demands us to just be But when I'm alone is when the nightmare starts Suddenly there are voices shouting from my heart Voices filled with heavy sadness Pushing me towards the brink of madness Can't you see the struggle I try to fit in? The war I seem to hide from within I don't speak because I don't know how I cannot think I can only bow Bow to those who know who to be Make myself small for the ones acting free There are chains keeping me from soaring A black dark cloud is masking me as boring Because the silence for you says nothing Only when things pass it is something The pause I'm in feels personally heavy Only with you I am without identity Silence and sadness has been my form Kindness and intensity has been the norm A little less and I'm weightless No words to say; no happiness Am I losing myself; Am I gaining you? Am I blinded by the attraction that is still new? Can I unchain the chains of past Can this me when I'm with you last? I'm pretending or maybe I'm mending Am I blending or just bending.. Keep me from the spiral I'm descending..
HOW COME I CAN’T THINK WHEN I’M WITH YOU?, i.c.f.
There's a secret lying beneath these bones
Too supressed by the life that I have known
Too different that people could never tell
They see heaven while I feel hell
And touch I flinch by the thought of it
Numbed by the untrust that comes with it
Experience does make you behave
When suddenly it feels again unsafe
Unsafe to say something because of fear
Unsafe because the immorality is near
And unconsciousness never sees but keeps
Track of what needs to be seen later
And when eyes are opened you become your own hater
How could I have let this happen? Why did I not say no?
Scream, kick? Did something to show
that all of that was not okay
That it would influence my mood on a grey day
And that inside voices are being made
Voices that bring back demons in the shade
It's too late now to change the past
But I can't make this suffering last
It's a weight that I hate
I'd like to be free
How to unchain the chains around me
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You and I
Met after sunset
in a small set
Of chairs
Where not a lot of
Commotion could
Notion our way
From how we acted
Aware of the play
No world to keep us
Distracted
And the dark that seemed
To impose from the
Window's reflections
Where our actions
Take the scene
It seemed that it was all
A must
Just us
Only us
And thus, I get a bit crazy
When the world makes us lazy
Towards each other
When you don't bother
To keep the intense
And I'm still
Mesmerized
By your presence
Without it, it seems
Unreal, this deal
We made
In the dark
On our own
Alone with a spark
The deep of that
Moment, I'll never forget
Spend in a tiny part
Of a train set
But when alone
I don't bother on my own
Mesmerized by us
I forget the world
And its fuz
No distraction but aware
Of how much I care
After sunset
I take in how we met
And how I get
Without you
Minus you
I feel too real
The dark inside
Is my personal deal
Alone is my permanent
For love I'm ditching
This constant switching
Is like a game
You and I
We don't miss the same
- Like Puppets, i.c.f.
Someone praise me for my immortality when I ink out my soul on paper and I pamper the same words I use over and over again to just to erase them later. From 'I' and 'me' to 'us' and 'free'. I'll never forget the longing I feel when I write the word 'sea'. Somewhere in these lines, I find a pile of of what I am. Deep seated fear for mistakes and a sprinkle of self inflicted lakes of wallow. I destruct the body to get rid of the shallow, to pull out the essence, the black that stuck on my gentle presence like expensive quality glue. 'What do you want?', I ask. 'You. ', it says. 'All your possibility and promise. Give me your bright.' And so every time during moonlight, I fight. Fight against oppression and the pressure of perfection. Perfect in a way I handle the uncontrol. Sold out tickets to the show that makes me hole. Give me an applause; I am not what you see. I am not what you get. Let me teach you a lesson from a misconception in a dimple. I give the impression of being simple sad but I'm learning, improving, holding on while I write out my mad. Skin and eyes that's what I control. To be lied to is the dole of every human. What you see is not what you get. Forget everything that a person once said. We change.. Every second every new sentence is a new beginning towards other things to say. So, can you tell by the way I keep on adding that I'm changing a lot? The paper does not want you to stop. It gives you space to continue. Space to change along the way. Who knows, it might distill some truths from me one day.
Misconception, i.c.f.
Give me time dear lover, give me space Fill up the stars demanding up this empty place Kiss me until sunrise, but then no more Silence the demons in my shadowy core Only till midnight you are free to roam When the fire dims down, all warmth will be gone My head will reset, emptiness is what I face Give me time dear lover, give me space Space to come down from the high I've been through Space to think about in which box I'll put you Memories are distant, their vagueness make me doubt Memories in an instant are demons ready to shout Loving you was never really the case I'm having trouble keeping up with this pace Hug the sad away, kiss me out of my daze, but Give me time dear lover, give me space
i.c.f.
I asked, but he denied
How does he know when they never tried
How does he know when he never dreamed
Maybe it went deeper than it seemed
His eyes tell me he was involved
His silence shouts unresolved
His words tell me he is still unsure
Maybe I'm just a temporary cure
She looks as bright as me
He might only fall for my creativity
He might only fall for a reminder
Maybe I'm just a tiny bit kinder
I can't give without certainty
I want a love like eternity
I want a love without being scared
I don't ever want to be compared
Call it insecure
The love I've received was impure
What I search for is stability
Without that I can't give him all of me
He asks, but I'm not so sure yet
If it's only half his heart I get
If it's only half of his love I win
I'm not sure if I ever want this to begin
- Doubts, i.c.f.
It's fun
The laughter, the loving
the inking on each others skin
so that we're connected within
but something is happening
when it's not games and fun
when my soul is pushing away
the sun and stays
under the dark clouds
that appeared
suddenly you're the black hole
I feared
peering through the hard shell
of being well enough to smile
sunshine and rainbows for awhile
I file myself into the positive
but can you forgive when I live
in the negative?
When I start inking on the pretty parts
close to our hearts
over the patterns of brightness
heavy weight the lightness you
created like fated counterpart
I'll retract my heart if you
don't mind
I'm not in my right mind
right now
it's all a blur and I'm not so sure
if I want this really
I can barely stand on my own
I like to drown alone
take this poison sadness unknown
rip out your part
start anew
forget you
- I.c.f.
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I am afraid of nothing
To be spilled
And of everything to be killed
of the days - unwinding pace
when my soul is at stake
and the words are the only things
That keep me awake
- i.c.f.
Art will never fill up the void in your chest that has been there since the beginning, but it helps. It helps a lot.
- whenever I'm lonely, I scream, i.c.f.
I'm sorry I can't trust
It's been a while since I've known trust
had it caress my own tenderness before
it left to make a life of its own
Then another came in its place disguised
in the same coth
but trust, real trust
it was not
I'm sorry I can't smile
It's been a while since I've smiled
had it lay in my arms as a fragile prayer before
it found a new owner to be with
Then another came in its place talked
with the same voice
but this kind of happiness did not
make me rejoice
I'm sorry I can't speak
It's been a while since I've learned to speak
had it nailed when I was a child before
it escaped into the void
Then another came in its place filtered
in the same style
but this kind of speech
made me silent for a while
I'm sorry I can't love
It's been a while
It's been too long since
before.. before -
And now it's gone
And I can't..
I just can't anymore
- there's too much hollow to fight, i.c.f.
You write about death so beautifully it makes the poetry worthwhile. How dark thoughts combine with flowery rhyme in a way that magic represents what's inside. The vulnerable part of themselves everyone wants to hide. That of the child before all fortresses were built and dragons were slain. We cover up with make-believe in order to hide the pain. To make art out of the insane. Canonize only that which is bearable for others to see because imagine what it's like setting yourself free. Lightning only strikes when the bolt is too heavy until it breaks out into this amazing sense of earthly energy only appreciated by those who have once felt the same. Slain to gain a certain power. Shaping magnificence in a godly hour, but what has God to do with the construction of a mind in acceptance; the blessing of a soul in rest; the best part of us, all that stands for a certain peace. Unleash the bounded child of the mad. Let it be sad and shaken up by plain fortune. In tune with what has been: both the holy and the sin. Let it win the big fight against socially pressured ego and let go of everything that is making you feel low.
- i.c.f.
Oh, give me someone to entertain
With words and dance and the way I blink my eyelashes into a smile to
Forget the world for a while and forge a fairytale into every day reality
To remember what it's like being the best version of me
Completely free of worry and ready to pour
All my loving from my core onto the floor where it grows new life and colours black into light again
Capture me when I'm like this
Away from the abyss and into the arms of a lover
Both under a cover of warm content and open sentiment
Oh, give me someone to mend
Deep stricken wounds I need to find
Pry open a mind that is still unlocked
Shock them with the sincere, undo them of their fear to open up
It is just their luck to have found this broken heart that can't seem to part from the negative and so I live to spread what I have learned; what I haven't earned
I burn to give the empty a place to be safe and to be brave for all the above
Oh, give me someone to love
Because sometimes I have enough for two
Not knowing what to do with this compassion I have passion for the ones that are lost
I'll defrost tired winters and pointy splinters
Hint at what the future can be like if they become who I see them as they are. Love is never too far if you let it in
I can teach you how to begin and even though I myself don't always know what to do
I need someone to pour all this loving into
Spilling, i.c.f.
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I'm a liar
I'm sorry I just told you so
Six feet under the ground is where
My heart goes
When things go to slow in life
And my head is ready to dive
In whatever it can get his hands on
It's been too long since I've blurted out
A smile, a laugh so loud it shook
The bones inside and woke them up
From the place they wanted to hide
I lie
And sorry but I must
There is dust in the corners of my skin
And within ghosts still haunt the floors
Of my creeking doors this framework
Bony structure of mine does not want
To see the light
It wants to bite in the happy
And then make you as sad as me
It's my way of finding the free
Wanting the control they never get to see
I'm a liar
I apologise
Somewhere high is where my
Demons rise
Their fingertips brushing the edges of a
Match flame for them
it's a game they need to catch
Set them up 1,2,3
Do you really think you own me?
This puppet mask is not real my voice
Does not sound sweet at all
It sounds like the falling of person
Done with trust
I must
Lie
It's how I die, how I destruct every little
Part of me because I do not deserve
The happy
I deserve the ghosts and the loneliness that haunts between my bones
It wants to be alone because no one faces the shadows and opens the windows
Even my hesitance shows that I'm not ready
I never will be
It's a lonely and automatic cry
The scream I hear whenever I must lie
- Masked up the truth, I.c.f.
Now that the world is silent my own head becomes a big shout for the recovery I never allowed myself to give.
- I get drunk on the venom running through my own veins, i.c.f.