I have this battle between my head and heart going on. he has a gf. that should be reason enough for me to peace out and not think twice. but I do think twice. he tells me he doesn't want to stop talking. he told me to steal him from her. that he wasn't rejecting me but the timing was off. why is the timing off? the time is now because now is what we have. is he manipulating me and screwing with me by saying that? one day I want to say goodbye and I deserve better. then the next day I picture being with him and laughing and getting along so great and ignoring the fact that there even is another girl. I don't know what to do.

spending too much time waiting for someone who isn't giving you what you need or want is a hopeless waste of time. we live this day, this moment once. it's a shame to waste it on someone who can't see that today is the day he could have had you.

I'm probably the most indecisive person you'll ever meet with serious commitment issues and a life with relationship patterns in this terrible cycle. they get to know me. like me. I like them and put off moving to that next step. the initial crush phase is all I seem to want. maybe it's fear of them really getting to know me and being disappointed. or something else. usually they get bored with it not moving forward and it fades and it's my fault but it's been this pattern all year. and i think I blew it again with someone that I liked a lot.

It's been a while. I'm in a pattern of funk lately. My expectations climbed and I was left disappointed. I was afraid that might happen. I could be, no I probably am being over dramatic. Because this boy, he really hasn't done much wrong. He showed me a lot of attention flirting and compliments and then they just sort of stopped. Not to sound like a child but my feelings are hurt. I like him. And I wanted him to like me. I feel like I did something wrong and i just wish things different. Which doesn't do anything. It's the first time in a while I really feel like using. I just want to feel anything but this.

So I shouldn't be jealous. My friend is considering going out to hang out with our friends..really my friends..and every time pretty much it's been brought up if I don't go, she says okay I won't go and for some reason this time she might go without me. I shouldn't be offended. I shouldn't be anything. I shouldn't care. My ex will be there, maybe with his new gf, maybe it's actually a good thing? Fucking I don't know, all I know is that I felt like crying. Maybe because I wish I could go and hang out like I used to with them and maybe it's because I'm pissed she can. Regardless of why, I still feel like crying.