I donāt know if I canāt do this because Iām not strong enough or if Iām not foolish enough. I just know that I canāt go on like this. Itās simply that I donāt believe the things you say to me. You say them because you think itās what I want to hear, and because it will get you what you want. Iām good enough to ātrustā with the business, to live with, to look after you, to fuck. But not to be with. I donāt believe you any more when you blame A for not being ready for a relationship, not being able to trust women. When you say that you canāt stand women any more, that you canāt be bothered with them, that Iām the only one you can bare to be around. Bullshit. You love women. Any woman whoāll have you. You love that they want you and youāre in control of it. You say that you want to be with me when weār e older, that nowās not the right time. But we can work together, live together, sleep together but not be honest with each other, to just be with each other. Either you trust me enough to wait for you, to be alongside you, to marry you one day when you want me. Or thatās all a lie too, just something to smooth everything over for now. I know youāre testing me. I know I have to prove myself to you. But I honestly donāt think youāll ever see me as enough. You bring up that guy, that one night every time. Iām sorry. I regret it. If I could undo it I would. I donāt understand how youāre doing it correctly with L. And I certainly donāt understand where you think you have the right to get angry at me for being upset about her. We were at her house, you told me to leave you there, I knew you werenāt getting up at 7 in the morning to lay carpet with your brother. I knew you were going to sleep with her. And you must have known I knew. How on earth did you think Iād be okay with that. You know Iām in love with you, Iāve told you to your face. And you simply donāt care. Youāll keep me around while Iām useful to you, say whatever you have to to try and keep the peace. You say that you need to be young and free for a few years, and you think I do too, but in reality you just want to do whatever you want, whoever you want, whenever you want. And thatās not fair, itās just selfish. Especially when you know how I feel. I just want the truth. You make me feel completely worthless and stupid. But I still see all the wonderful parts of you that made me fall in love with you in the first place. Iām so confused, mostly by how the things you say and the things you do completely contradict each other. I donāt know if you think youāre being really smart and getting one over on everybody, or if you genuinely believe yourself. We are so good together, without anyone else involved. I donāt know why you donāt see that. But mostly I donāt understand why you just donāt tell me, if you donāt want me.
