INFJ Advice

People who struggle interpersonally, who seem unhappy, or who get into a lot of conflicts are often advised to adopt the approach of Nonviolent Communication. 

This is often not a good idea. Nonviolent Communication is an approach based on refraining from seeming to judge others, and instead expressing everything in terms of your own feelings. For instance, instead of “Don’t be such an inconsiderate jerk about leaving your clothes around”, you’d say “When you leave your clothing around, I feel disrespected.”. That approach is useful in situations in which people basically want to treat each other well but have trouble doing so because they don’t understand one another’s needs and feelings. In every other type of situation, the ideology and methodology of Nonviolent Communication can make things much worse.

Nonviolent Communication can be particularly harmful to marginalized people or abuse survivors. It can also teach powerful people to abuse their power more than they had previously, and to feel good about doing so. Non-Violent Communication has strategies that can be helpful in some situations, but it also teaches a lot of anti-skills that can undermine the ability to survive and fight injustice and abuse.

For marginalized or abused people, being judgmental is a necessary survival skill. Sometimes it’s not enough to say “when you call me slurs, I feel humiliated” - particularly if the other person doesn’t care about hurting you or actually wants to hurt you. Sometimes you have to say “The word you called me is a slur. It’s not ok to call me slurs. Stop.” Or “If you call me that again, I’m leaving.” Sometimes you have to say to yourself “I’m ok, they’re mean.” All of those things are judgments, and it’s important to be judgmental in those ways.

You can’t protect yourself from people who mean you harm without judging them. Nonviolent Communication works when people are hurting each other by accident; it only works when everyone means well. It doesn’t have responses that work when people are hurting others on purpose or without caring about damage they do. Which, if you’re marginalized or abused, happens several times a day. NVC does not have a framework for acknowledging this or responding to it.

In order to protect yourself from people who mean you harm, you have to see yourself as having the right to judge that someone is hurting you. You also have to be able to unilaterally set boundaries, even when your boundaries are upsetting to other people. Nonviolent Communication culture can teach you that whenever others are upset with you, you’re doing something wrong and should change what you do in order to meet the needs of others better. That’s a major anti-skill. People need to be able to decide things for themselves even when others are upset.

Further, NVC places a dangerous degree of emphasis on using a very specific kind of language and tone. NVC culture often judges people less on the content of what they’re saying than how they are saying it. Abusers and cluelessly powerful people are usually much better at using NVC language than people who are actively being hurt. When you’re just messing with someone’s head or protecting your own right to mess with their head, it’s easy to phrase things correctly. When someone is abusing you and you’re trying to explain what’s wrong, and you’re actively terrified, it’s much, much harder to phrase things in I-statements that take an acceptable tone.

Further, there is *always* a way to take issue with the way someone phrased something. It’s really easy to make something that’s really about shutting someone up look like a concern about the way they’re using language, or advice on how to communicate better. Every group I’ve seen that valued this type of language highly ended up nitpicking the language of the least popular person in the group as a way of shutting them up. 

Me: I think I need to get out more.

(later that day)

Me: No never mind what was I thinking that’s a very terrible idea

(after not going out)

Your INFJ comes with: 

One (1) crystal ball 

One (1) social mirror

Five hundred (500) calendars 

Unlimited stock of fears and worries 

Features:  

Ni: This feature makes the INFJ able to think of any consequence of their action, making them seem psychic. Ni also leads to sudden realizations. 

Fe: This feature makes the othervwise socially awkward INFJ able to socialize by mimicing the features of their interlocutor. Fe does sometimes fail. When this happens make sure the INFJ doesnt start digging a hole for themself to live in.

Ti: This feature makes the INFJ able to overanalyse the crap out of people, pay too much attention to insignificant detail and read too much into said detail. 

Se: This feature is the INFJs appendix. You should might consider to have this feature removed, as it causes the INFJ to occasionally overeat, oversleep, binge drink etc. Call the service number for advice if this is wanted.

Care: 

Food: The INFJ may forget to eat, and they may overeat. When your INFJ haven eaten in a long time, suggest that they should eat something. They will appreciate this and take it as a sign of care. However, do not speak about their overeating. EVER.

Sleep:  Your INFJ will (usually) make sure to get enough sleep. The exception is if they are in a particularly stressful period. In such periods they might end up pulling all-nighters, or they might just sleep to avoid the stressful problem. 

Hygiene: Your INFJ will have an ok hygiene. This is because of their fair of smelling or in other ways making themselves look bad to other people. With some INFJs this will comepletely change if they are alone for the day. They might forget that brushing their teeth is even a thing. 

Stress: If the INFJ is put under too much pressure and get stressed, the INFJ might: a) become emotionally cold, forget essential needs and become too focused on work. b) overindulge in certain activities, like watching a lot of TV, overeating, binge drinking etc. 

Other needs: Your INFJ will need hugs and words of affirmation. However, they will usually not initiate it or ask for it. As much as they hate to admit it, they also need advice sometimes. If your INFJ seems to be having troubles with opening up, you can always give them some alcohol. NB: your drunk INFJ may just end up handing you all the drinks. This is because they fear being the drunkest one at the party. 

Relationships with other units:

NTs: Your INFJ might feel intimidated by the xNTJs, but usually love the company of xNTPs. 

NFs: In interaction with other xNFJs, the INFJ and the other unit will usually just mirror each others behaviour, opinions and feelings. It usually works out fine. In company with certain NFPs the INFJ will sometimes feel scared to voice an opinon. With other NFPs this isnt an issue at all. 

SPs: The INFJ will usually get along ok with the SPs, but might get tired of their need for adrenaline, as this will tire out the INFJs Ni. 

SJs: Your INFJ will usually get along great with xSFJs. The xSTJs, like the xNTJs, might intimidate the INFJ. 

FAQ: 

There seems to be a problem with my INFJ’s speech, how can i fix this? Theres nothing wrong with your INFJ. Not being able to speak properly is one of the INFJ’s “charming” characteristics. You can however give the INFJ something to write on, and they will comminicate like a poet. 

Why is my INFJ so emo?  We are trying to fix this problem, but have not found a cause yet. When this is fixed, there will be a softwere update available. 

My INFJ is being really socially awkward and asking me weird and boring questions, what should i do? Nothing. The INFJ will usually be very stressed out when talking to new people. This will get better as your INFJ feels more comfortable around you. 

My INFJ is just like me, does this mean i am an INFJ myself? Nah bro, they want you to think you’re alike. 

Can my INFJ read minds? What no ofc not huh hehehe ehm hehe….. 

My INFJ knows things about me haven’t told it. Has it developed AI? We are aware of this feature in the INFJ, but can’t offer any answer to how they do it. 

you still gotta apologize for it???? 

you still have to accept responsibility???