The government defunded our sexual assault centre which is interesting because I’ve always kinda thought if there was anywhere I could go if I ever had the guts to tell someone it would be there and now that’s not even an option which is a relief cause I felt pressure from myself to do that but also a huge weight added because there is nowhere I can go and I feel like I’m the monster for not reporting and I keep trying to remind myself that’s not really fair when I’m severely traumatized but at the same time I feel a responsibility to say something when nobody else can or will because he deserves to pay for what he’s done to me and who knows who else and he should be rotting away right this second but he’s not and it feels like it’s my fault but I am still trying to believe myself about what happened I’m not ready I wish I was and I hope one day I will be

I probably don’t have a memory because my brain filters out 95% of content to protect me cause I can get triggered by anything at pretty much anytime

I try to ruminate on things less than I used to but this part of me eats me alive you ruined my life and nobody will ever know and I will never be successful because I will always be haunted by the years of torture and my own screams and the only way I can survive is to block it out and pretend that was another life and it kind of feels like it was but my body and mind won’t forget even if I never say the words out loud I hope one day I get to the point where I can at least believe myself

I will always be angry and long for the person I’ll never get to be because of what he did to me. I could’ve been a better person I could’ve been stronger I could’ve been someone that deserved love but he stole all of that from me and poisoned me with his touch I will never be free I will never be whole I will never be heal because you can’t heal a wound you can’t see and especially when nobody else knows it’s there or the extent of it and it took me twenty four years to realize the real damage isn’t what’s on the outside because those scars are healed I can see that they’ve healed but the rest of me won’t I will never be the person I could’ve been before he destroyed me and I will never forgive myself for not knowing sooner and not telling someone then and still not telling someone now while that monster still breathes I don’t know how many more lives he has stolen and claims to have saved and the weight of it is so heavy I can’t breathe and it’s not fair because I know I can’t blame him for my mistakes but I also know that what he did to me has had a ripple effect on who I am and why I do every stupid thing that I do and why I can’t accept that I can be loved

This latest surgery has made me realize more and more how horrific my past is with medical professionals like now when they ask for permission or if I’m okay with something and they give me a choice and actually listen to me it genuinely blows my mind and it’s a good thing but I’m having more and more flashbacks to all the times I didn’t have a choice or a voice and I was just held down screaming and fighting for so long until I eventually gave up fighting and just let them hurt me and it happened so many times I feel like it broke me when I was way too young to be broken and everyone has always said I’m “strong” or whatever but I’m really not or at least I don’t feel like I am

I’m so mad that I’m so traumatized. I’m so mad it took me over a decade to piece together what happened to me. I’m so mad I’ve spent my entire life finding a way to blame myself and I still can’t escape that thought pattern and I still feel like a monster because I haven’t done anything or told anyone because I’m too scared but what if by the time I’m able to it’s already too late but I’ve spent too long questioning myself and I don’t want to have to talk about it or have to get people to believe me so instead I just suffer from the trauma and the lifelong effects and hope that it doesn’t get worse and ruin my relationship but I know that my relationship suffers because I never developed a healthy relationship with sex just like it effects how I feel about myself and how I feel about the world and why I’ve gotten so triggered by certain topics to do with sex and why I feel like the only thing I have to offer is sex