riley!

At six, Amelia outwardly seems like most other kids. She loves to rage-bait her older brother and she’s obsessed with horses / My Little Pony. She’s always got some kind of costume on over her clothes and is so full of personality at home (even if she’s incredibly shy otherwise).

What isn’t seen, is the life Amelia continues to live in and out of hospitals. Her favorite playground is the jungle gym in the children’s hospital courtyard and some of her favorite people are the nurses who play games and sing along to disney songs with her.

It isn’t a sad life, but Amelia knows that things about her are different. She sees her brother and how he doesn’t need to take meds, or have a tube in his belly to help him eat. She sees other kids who no longer need a stroller, and she goes to her brother’s soccer games every weekend — knowing the sport is safe for him but not for her.

Beyond this though, Amelia doesn’t know about her prognosis or how serious her conditions are. She doesn’t know about the gene mutation that caused so many of her complications, or the likelihood that she’ll one day need a transplant. These are all conversations Baran knows Amelia needs to be older to hear. Conversations that Baran struggles to prepare herself for, because she doesn’t know how much older Amelia will get to be.

٠࣪⭑ starting in infancy, amelia has many hospitalizations. she was born with hypoplastic left heart syndrome — meaning the left side of her heart is severely underdeveloped. it can’t properly pump blood to the rest of her body, causing amelia to need a series of surgeries in her infant & toddler years.

٠࣪⭑ baran grew up a kid in the hospital and in her adulthood — she knows what it’s like to be the doctor consoling a family member. she knows to be the one responsible for coming up with the fix. but now, she is learning what it’s like to be the parent on the other side. to feel that powerlessness as amelia is taken back to an operating room where hands other than her own will hold her fragile heart and try to repair it. baran doesn’t know how to trust a physician that isn’t herself with her girl. she doesn’t know how to simply get used to it.

٠࣪⭑ yet she is expected to seperate motherhood from her life as a doctor. amelia’s team doesn’t converse with baran like she’s a peer, they talk the way she does with worried parents. it’s jarring and infuriating and baran hates being on the other side.

٠࣪⭑ all it does is remind her how powerless she is. it pierces through her when she’s crying in the panera parking lot at 3am because their mac and cheese is the only thing amelia will eat and sure, it’s the middle of the night, but she finally decided she was hungry again after 3 days of no food. it hits harder than anything ever has, because as painful as their reality is — baran doesn’t want to live in a world where she doesn’t have a daughter to go on these 3am runs for.

٠࣪⭑ still, baran refuses to let amelia see any of her grief. she won’t let amelia feel the pain that she does, or experience the hospital the way baran did growing up. and through her efforts, baran prevails.

٠࣪⭑ she makes the hospital a fun place - a place full of art, color, and light. amelia grows up loving finger painting with mama during infusions and playing grocery store in the patient playroom with her brother. she loves that her and mama get to have sleepovers in the big bed, and that she can have mac and cheese no matter the time of day. through it all, amelia never knows the loneliness baran did. she grows up with nothing but the certainty that baran is by her side.

٠࣪⭑ by the time baran accepts her position at PTMC, their family is in a much more stable place compared to where they started out. they’re in a big house that is full of love and life. her son is playing soccer & baseball, and amelia is obsessed with horses and all things glittery pink.

within seconds, victoria has dissolved into tears. there’s water dripping off the table and forming a giant puddle on the floor. glass is everywhere and victoria wants to clean it up but she doesn’t know where the broom is and if she picks it up herself, her hands will be shredded by the time she’s done.

victoria hiccups, unable to catch her breath.

she’s never gotten in trouble with her mamas before. she’s never done anything bad like this. and now they’re going to come home and see how careless she is and they’re going to be so angry. they’ll never trust her again! or worse — they’ll stop wanting her altogether.

victoria’s sobs intensify. she looks back at trinity in her panic, but trinity is just staring at the mess. her skin is so pale and her eyes are so wide and she’s standing so still that it doesn’t even look like there’s a person inside of her.

“trin-ny,” victoria cries.

it seems to shake trinity back to earth. she flinches, scratches at her lips, and frowns. in real time, victoria can see the gears turning in her head.

“it’s okay, crash,” trinity says. her voice is so quiet but victoria doesn’t miss how it flips on the nickname. “just say i did it.”

“what?”

victoria hiccups again and messily wipes her snot on her sleeve.

“you’re not gonna get in trouble,” trinity says. her brow lowers with certainty as she looks at her friend. “just say i did it.”

victoria hesitates, unsure. trinity didn’t do it and she isn’t supposed to lie. she shouldn’t get yelled at for a mess she didn’t make. but as victoria slips her thumb into her mouth, still struggling to get a full breath into her lungs, she isn’t sure she’d be able to take it if cassie and dana started to hate her.

—

when the two return an hour later, victoria is sitting on the sofa with her knees pulled into her chest. her thumb is still firmly planted between her lips and dried tears stain her cheeks. beside her, trinity is standing guard. she breaths manually and counts intervals on her fingers to keep herself from spacing out too far.

“oh — what happened here?” cassie coos as she approaches. her eyes graze the mess and concern washes over her face. “did the vase fall?”

before either one can explain, she’s ushering trinity away from the glass.

“did you get hurt, trin?”

cassie makes quick work of checking trinity’s hands. she turns them over so she can see both sides, then helps her lift her feet to make sure she didn’t get any cuts on the soles. when she’s done, she does the same for victoria.

“you girls okay?” dana asks. she glances between the younger ones as she crouches down by the mess and begins to sweep the broken pieces into a dust pan.

victoria, with her eyes wide as ever, gives a silent nod. trinity takes it as a cue, and follows in her lead.

“i broke it,” she says. “i wanted to play ninja turtles and said we needed chairs for obstacles a- and so we got them from the kitchen and um, i bumped the table on accident. i’m…”

trinity sucks in a breath and holds it. “really sorry.”

her eyes are glued to the floor as she waits for a response. it’s always the hardest part, she knows. the waiting and the hoping.

“okay,” cassie says. she pauses and takes a breath. “thank you for being so honest with us, trinity.”

trinity chews the insides of her cheeks, confused.

“you two know the rules about moving the furniture around without permission, yeah?” dana asks.

trinity nods. furniture is never to be arranged without a caregiver to help.

“well, this is why we have them. it isn’t safe to carry big things around the house and we don’t want you guys getting hurt. we love ya — we don’t need any scrapes and bruises!”

trinity gives another nod.

“yeah… bad choice,” she murmurs. she shuffles on her feet with her eyes still stuck to the floor. “really sorry.”

“it’s okay,” cassie says. “i know it can be hard to tell the truth with these things so i want you to know, i’m really proud of you for being so honest. we both are.”

cassie’s voice is so soft. she rubs trinity’s arm as she speaks and gives a reassuring smile. it’s so warm and understanding and it isn’t at all what was supposed to happen. it isn’t what trinity scripted responses for, or spent her whole life tolerating. it doesn’t make sense.

something like panic or confusion begins to seep through her. it’s in her bones, all over her body, and trinity can’t help it — her frown is starting to wobble. blurry tears are filling her eyes now too and trinity doesn’t want to cry — she doesn’t need to cry. but these feelings are hitting stronger than she can prepare for and it’s becoming too much for her to handle.

all trinity wants to do is run.

“hey, it’s okay,” cassie tells her, giving her arm a little squeeze. “it was just an accident.”

“yeah, it’s no big deal,” dana affirms. she’s perched by the edge of the sofa, holding victoria’s hand. “as long as you’re okay and you know not to do it again, that’s all that matters. that vase wasn’t even $5 at a flea market -- we’ll just get another one.”

but the promise only makes it worse. a dam breaks — trinity isn’t sure where — and heavy sobs begin to pour out of her.

trinity collapses into cassie’s arms and cassie embraces her on instinct. she lowers them both to the ground and holds trinity in her lap while she cries — rubbing her back and telling her over and over again that it’s okay.

she isn’t in trouble. she isn’t bad. she didn’t do anything wrong.

trinity doesn’t respond to any of it. all she does is cling to the older woman — gripping the fabric of cassie’s shirt as tightly as she can. it’s as if she might dematerialize at any moment and trinity needs to be with her when it happens. maybe that way, trinity will go with her.

but cassie promises she won’t.

she isn’t going anywhere. she isn’t leaving. and trinity isn’t going to be alone.

in fact, she says. it’s quite the opposite. trinity is safe here. she is loved.

cassie repeats the affirmations while rubbing circles on trinity’s back until it all just sounds like word soup. and still, they stay on the floor together — cassie allowing to feel as much as she needs.

eventually, trinity is too exhausted to keep going. her wails fade into sniffles or quiet whimpers and her fingers somehow find their way into her mouth. a heavy head lulls into the crook of cassie’s neck and when cassie looks down, she sees sleepy eyelids fluttering shut.

only then, does cassie carry her into the guest room and climb into bed with her. trinity might insist otherwise, but cassie knows no good could come from her waking up alone.

—

the next morning, victoria feels bigger.

she heads downstairs to find dana or cassie — cringing when she walks by the end table in the living room. the thought of making trinity lie for her is now enough to make her stomach churn and even if things are different in this headspace, victoria knows she needs to fess up.

thankfully, dana is already in the kitchen when victoria enters — making a pot of coffee.

“hey kid,” she says, smiling at her girl. “why are you up so early?”

victoria shrugs. she pulls at her sleeves as unexpected anxiety washes over her, but manages to spit out her explanation. she talks about playing school and needing the chairs for the classroom, then explains how she panicked when she broke the vase and how trinity did too, just in her own trinity way. and then she says how trinity offered to cover for her.

victoria pauses — the moment freezing in her mind like a tv screen paused at the worst possible sight.

the same questions that kept her up half the night are rushing back over her and victoria doesn’t know what to do with them. so she allows herself to give them a voice.

why was trinity so set on taking the fall? why would she say it was her when she’d been so certain whoever did it would be punished?

it isn’t something dana can answer, though she has her suspicions. all she can say is that it’s something she’ll have to talk about with cassie about. and eventually, trinity too.

—

- as jackie’s symptoms fluctuate, so does her ability to tolerate tube feeds. there are times where running them at all, even on her slowest rate, is completely unbearable. these days are terrifying. jackie never knows if she’s experiencing a flare, if she pushed herself too hard and is now crashing, or if her baseline is decreasing again. she wants to have hope for the best — it’s just who she is. but jackie knows intimately that every flare has the opportunity to cause major decline.

- jackie has a weighted heating pad that is practically attached to her on her bad days. nat has to remind her not to put it against her bare skin and for a while, jackie ignores her. until one day, she realizes her skin is covered in pale brown burns, aka “toasted skin syndrome”.

- nat will write encouraging messages on jackie’s feed bags and sit in bed with her while the formula is pumped through. she’ll try to keep jackie distracted by putting on little shows with her sylvanians or playing easy card games like character matching or go fish.

- their bed becomes an absolute mess when jackie’s in a flare. she was already a nester pre-crash, but now, with various medical devices — it’s a whole other level.

- jackie keeps all her meds, a pill crusher, enteral syringes, extra tube extensions, alcohol pads, nausea candies, griplock, a glucose monitor with all its supplies, and emesis bags with her at all times. she also keeps luna bunny, her favorite sylvanians, a sensory toy, and some magnet tiles to keep her entertained. it might seem excessive, but if jackie’s in too much pain to get up, this gives her some of her autonomy back. she doesn’t have to wait for nat to bring her what she needs if it’s already in her bed.

- jackie also has a few toys with medical devices that match hers. she has a teddy bear with a surgical tube & tubie pad like hers. she also has a baby doll with a nasal tube from when she had her NG. jackie loves them both, but she’s especially fond of her doll. every time she has to flush her tube or take meds through it, she will first pretend to do it to her baby.

- jackie & nat always have a hospital go bag packed for emergencies. they’ve learned the hard way that ER trips are unpredictable and jackie’s admissions are never short. jackie hates the sight of the bag in the corner — she feels like it’s mocking her. but whenever she’s admitted, she’s relieved to have brought it.

—

- in these moments, misty yearns so deeply for someone to be there and take care of her. it’s the same sadness she carried when she really was a child. and when misty thinks about how long she’s spent feeling lonely, the heaviness of it all can make her drop even smaller. sometimes, all the way down to a toddler age.

- nat’s regression also really stands out to me. it’s very similar to misty’s in that, both of them are still dressing & behaving like teenagers. but possibly the biggest thing with nat, is that her emotional regulation and impulse control skills are incredibly stunted. she doesn’t know how to cope with her trauma, so she depends on substances the way she did as a teen. her childhood behaviors are all she knows.

- imo, this is why nat thrived in lottie’s commune. she finally had the guidance that she needed and it helped regulate her. it also gave nat the structure and stability she never got as a kid. this newfound safety causes her to start dropping even younger.

- when these drops happens, nat can go very young — around 4 or 5. she sinks so deep into her head that she’ll feel like she’s been cut off from the outside world. nat’s biggest external tell is that her demeanor will change from big and bold, to shy and withdrawn. she often won’t respond to things verbally either, or even notice when her name is being called. she’s just too far away.

- regressed nat at the commune will almost always seek out lottie. she doesn’t really know why — big!nat still isn’t sure if she trusts her. but all little!nat wants is to be held and comforted. she wants to be wrapped up and taken care of the way she should’ve been growing up, and nat remembers how, many years ago, lottie used to love taking care of her.

- of course, lottie will still embrace her. she knows that when nat is small, the world is far too big & overwhelming for her. so lottie makes sure to be so gentle and slow in her interactions. she’ll let nat lay against her chest, or put her head in her lap, and she’ll stroke her hair while whispering soft reassurances.

- it’s incredibly comforting for both of them — nat grounds herself in lottie’s touch and lottie grounds herself in every promise she makes.

- when it comes to lottie — her regression has essentially shaped her adulthood. it makes sense, given how everything she does is in search for community. lottie grew up so isolated and even with her team pre-crash, she was always on the outskirts of things.

- now, lottie is in a place where she no longer knows how to connect with others. she doesn’t know how to find friends, or find people who care about her. it’s not even a skill she’s lost — it’s one she never developed.

- so lottie spends her adulthood trying to recreate the good moments in the wilderness, because that’s the only thing she knows how to do. it’s the only time she can remember feeling deserving of love.

- the day starts off normal. they’re at work and about two hours in, trinity’s dexcom alerts a low. it’s only 65, but the arrow is down, so she takes one of the jolly ranchers she keeps in her scrub pockets.

- trinity goes up to 68, which she decides is good enough. so she goes back to work — meeting with a new patient. her dexcom app goes off again mid convo, but trinity ignores it. it’s probably just going off to alert that she’s at 70.

- but when she goes back to the nurses station and checks her phone — there’s a glaring 55 with the arrow straight down.

- at that point, baran (who also has the app & gets alerts) has sent multiple texts. she quickly finds trinity and gives her a can of sprite.

- “try to drink this,” she says, before giving the younger girl a packet of fruit gummies. “and eat some of these.”

- trinity nods and starts sipping the soda. when baran asks how she’s feeling, trinity insists she’s fine. she neglects to tell her about the ache behind her eyes & how her forehead is starting to throb.

- “stay here until it goes up to 70, okay?” baran instructs. trinity rolls her eyes, but obliges. she reminds baran again that she’s okay & she doesn’t need a babysitter.

- “you can go back to work. i know how to handle this.”

- so baran does. but one sprite, pack of gummies, & fifteen minutes later, trinity’s sugar has gone up to 63 then dropped down even further to 49. her hands are now shaking, her headache is even stronger, and trinity can’t tell if the pounding in her chest is anxiety or something much more sinister.

- while she sits, cassie takes note of her. trinity is never parked at the nursing station unless she’s behind on charting and right now, she doesn’t seem to be doing much of anything. so cassie goes over and asks if she’s okay.

- instinctively, trinity nods. she has to be okay, she’s always okay. and if she acknowledges what is happening — it will all get very real very fast and trinity isn’t sure she can handle that.

- still, the feeling is continuing to get worse. her headache is fierce and constant. in her stomach, curdled, acidic nausea has made itself a home. and as the trembling in her hands intensifies, trinity can feel herself starting to shrink within herself. the fear her older self can’t grapple with is getting dropped onto her tiny shoulders.

- hesitantly, trinity shows cassie her phone and cassie’s eyes widen when she sees the screen.

- trinity hasn’t been above 68 in almost two hours and now, she’s down to 45.

- “santos, what the fuck?” cassie exclaims in a nervous whisper. she pulls the stethoscope from around her neck to listen to trinity’s heart and check her pulse.

- as trinity watches, tears wellin her eyes. this isn’t supposed to be happening. she isn’t supposed to still be low. she wants to go find baran, she wants to go home but if she does — everyone will know somethings wrong. they’ll all see how scared she is and something about that feels even more terrifying than the hypoglycemia itself.

- “do you have anything with you?” cassie asks.

- trinity nods and pulls a handful of jolly ranchers out of her pocket. with trembling hands, she opens one up and pops it into her mouth.

- meanwhile, cassie is pulling over one of the vitals machines. she takes trinity’s arm (trinity is only half aware) and puts the BP cuff around her. when the read is 84/60 — cassie murmurs another swear.

- “okay, we’re gonna sign you in as a patient,” cassie says, staring down at trinity’s phone. the red circle with the 42 in the middle is making her stomach churn.

- “can you tell me what’s been going on? when did this start?” cassie asks. “how have you treated it.”

- trinity swallows and tries to gather her words. she knows they’re in there somewhere but the clouds in her head are so thick and the little silver dots scattered around cassie’s face are incredibly distracting.

- “um… a few hours ago i was…” trinity blinks and swallows. she can’t remember anymore. “i was with a patient and… uh i went i think to… i… i um…”

-her speech is slurred and sluggish. the letters don’t seem to know their form. cassie leans in as trinity talks and makes a mental note of the acetonic smell on her breath.

-cassie then calls out to dana, at the other end of the station, and dana whips herself around.

-“we need a bed — i think a santos is going into insulin shock.”

- “15 central should be open,” dana calls out. she hurries away from the desk, grabs a spare wheelchair, and pushes it over to them.

- by the time they get trinity into the room, she is silently on the brink of tears. the room won’t stop rocking like a ship in a storm and her headache is nothing she’s ever felt before. her limbs are now too weak to control and all trinity wants to do is lay down and sleep.

- when they get her onto a stretcher, trinity’s mind is too far away to hear cassie talk about putting her on a telemonitor. trinity’s shirt is then lifted all the way up and she can’t help but whine in protest — her body jolting upwards.

- “hey — hey, kid, we gotta stay laying down, okay?” dana interjects. she uses firm hands to gently push trinity back onto the stretcher and keep her there while cassie places the leads. trinity merely watches — her eyes wide and watery like a deer in the headlights.

- once the leads are positioned, dana makes quick work of placing an IV in trinity’s inner elbow. trinity whines and makes a face as she’s poked, then again when her finger is poked for the glucometer.

- “we’re gonna give you some sugar, okay?” cassie says. “it’s gonna suck for a minute but it’ll get you feeling better,”

- she sits on the edge of the stretcher with trinity and offers her a small smile. when trinity looks back at her, cassie can’t help but reach out and stroke the hairs that frame her face.

- “it’s all gonna be okay,” she says.

- soon, dana returns holding a big syringe. it’s the kind trinity has used many times before on diabetic patients who miscalculated their insulin doses. as trinity watches dana connect it to her own IV, she tries not to think about how much they all hated it & how badly it seemed to burn.

- dana pushes the liquid slowly. it’s sticky and thick — like a tube of sterile molasses. trinity can’t tell if the pace numbs the effect or just prolongs the torture. but she knows is that her arm is on fire, her headache has spread all over, and the room is now rocking even faster.

- cassie continues to whisper gentle reassurances the entire time. she strokes trinity’s hair and reminds her that it’ll be okay. trinity clings to the promise harder than she ever has anything else.

- in less than ten minutes, the dextrose gets trinity up from 40 to 135. but after fifteen more, she’s back down at 55.

-they repeat the finger stick and shot while trinity whimpers and cries, squeezing cassie’s hand with all she has. it’s somehow even worse the second time around — the rapid drop and aggressive over-correction. it makes trinity want to crawl right out of her skin as the monitor behind her beeps and flashes. her heartrate is too high and BP too low. cassie tells her she needs to stay lying flat no matter what.

- by the time the third injection is pushed, trinity wants to tell them to stop. only she can’t, because after another 15 minutes, she’s gone from 128 to 46. all trinity can do is let out sobs even heavier than before.

-“i know sweet girl, i know,” cassie coos, so gentle as she strokes trinity’s hair. “i wish we didn’t have to do this.”

-another hour goes by and soon enough, and they’ve given her four shots total. with trinity’s sugar still in the high 50s, cassie calls al-hashimi and puts her on a continuous dextrose drip to prevent another crash.

- baran comes over as quickly as she can. when she sees trinity from the doorway, she can’t help but freeze. trinity is laying on the stretcher, exhausted. her face is red and puffy from crying yet somehow, so pale. her lips are stuck in a wavering frown and she’s clinging desperately to cassie’s hand.

- in that moment, it doesn’t matter that trinity isn’t biologically hers. it doesn’t matter that trinity’s body is that of an adults or that she’s still in her scrubs like the rest of them.

- no, all baran can see is her terrified little girl in the middle of a medical emergency. the thought of it makes her heart ache so deeply it feels like it could split in two.

- “what’s her status?” baran asks. she lets her eyes drift trinity, to cassie, to dana. “what’s her sugar at?”

- “last chem-stick was 84. so she’s doing better on the fluids,” cassie says. “we did four rounds of straight IV dextrose but she was reacting it pretty badly. i imagine the same thing was happening with whatever she’d been using to treat her lows before.”

- baran nods, her expression dropping. all she can feel is guilt pooling in her stomach at the thought of trinity going through this without her. laying in an ER bed while her mama was just a few yards away, so focused she never noticed her phone buzzing to alert trinity’s lows.

- still, baran manages a smile. she pulls up a chair so she can sit by trinity’s head while cassie continues to play with her hair.

- “we’re gonna have to keep you overnight, my love” baran says. her voice is hushed — not wanting to frighten trinity even more. “just until you’re stable without the fluids.”

- too tired to protest, trinity gives a meek nod. she’s too small and too distant to think about it further — all she can register is that she trusts baran.

- when trinity is moved to an inpatient room, baran comes by as soon as her shift ends. she brings a taco bell kids meal for trinity (her favorite, even though baran finds them repulsive) and a cava salad for herself. they picnic on the hospital bed together while cartoon network plays on the tv.

- “you were so brave today,” baran praises. “i’m so proud of you.”

- trinity doesn’t know why baran is proud — she didn’t do anything but cry and whine the whole time. but she knows baran would never lie to her. so trinity accepts the compliment and finishes her dinner with a smile. so long as baran is with her, being the patient doesn’t have to be as scary as it seems.

—-

trinity would still try to keep it to herself. dennis and baran tell her she doesn’t have to — she’s safe with samira — and trinity knows this. but she can’t get herself out of protection mode. she doesn’t know how when she’s lived their her whole life.

so when samira finds out, it’s completely out of the blue.

it’s one of the times trinity stays overnight with her. she has an awful nightmare and wakes up at 3am, having wet the bed.

immediately, trinity panics. she doesn’t know what to do or where to go. she could run to the bathroom and hide. but samira would inevitably find out & punish her. so maybe she could wake samira up and get it all over with? but both options feel so scary. trinity is paralyzed with fear & anxiety as she sits there crying with her fingers in her mouth.

the sound of her distress is what eventually wakes samira up. she’s confused, but takes stock of the situation rather quickly. she then sits beside trinity and quietly reassures her —

“it’s okay, you’re safe.” “these things happen— it’s just an accident.”

samira is so tentative, so patient and kind. she asks permission before touching trin, and once she gets a nod, begins to rub her back. she repeats the circular motion & whispered reassurances until trinity’s sobs have tapered off.

from there, she’s able to help trinity into the bathroom to clean up and change. samira has to do almost all of it for her — trinity is far too timid and withdrawn — but samira doesn’t mind.

her slow, cautious approach also allows her to be more conscious of trinity’s behavior. trinity’s fingers never leave her mouth and she keeps twirling & tugging at her hair, which samira has never seen her do before. trinity hardly speaks too, and when she does, her words are quieter. softer.

samira, at this point, knows what involuntary regression is — at least on some level. so she’s kind of able to infer that this is what’s happening. but she doesn’t say anything about it because she knows trinity is already feeling so ashamed — acknowledging it will make things worse.

so samira gets her cleaned up, then quietly changes the sheets. when the two talk in the morning, trinity doesn’t remember much. and she doesn’t fully seem like herself yet either. she’s withdrawn. quiet. like someone has disarmed her. she apologizes and says it won’t happen again.

but of course it does, only in other ways. the repetition of it has samira doing more googling to deepen her understanding because she knows that knowledge is everything.

and eventually, they’re able to sit down and have a real conversation about it. trinity doesn’t want to, but she (vaguely) explains what is going on and when/why it happens. samira listens with intent and asks her what she wants and what she feels comfortable with. because pushing it down isn’t healthy and won’t do anyone any good.

through this, they end up coming to a few agreements. like if trinity is dropping around samira, she needs to somehow let her know so that samira doesn’t accidentally say/do something she would around an actual child. and that if trin is regressed and wants samira to take care of her, samira always will.

but she also doesn’t have to. trinity’s always allowed to say no — however if samira doesn’t knows that she’s dropped, someone else (wether it’s samira, baran, or dennis) needs to, as it isn’t safe for little!trinity to be completely on her own.

and as she gets more comfortable, little!trinity comes out more often. including voluntarily, because she loves mama samira!! the two are able to set aside time for little!trinity so she doesn’t feel stifled, and so that there are less surprises day to day.