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ââââââââââ⸺âââââautistic caregiverâđâââââ⪠ÍÍ ŕż
âââââââââââââ۶༢ེུ༷ â ââârequest by anon.
âââa flag for autistic caregiversâącaregivers who are autistic. perhap's one's
âââautism affects or informs one's carerspace, though any autistic caregiver
âââcan use and interpret as desired!
âââthis flag is f2u! if using please credit Us somewhere on the post, in the tags,
âââor on your profile. please ask before reposting! use without credit and repost
âââwithout permission is not allowed. please feel free to tag Us in editsâącreatio
âââ⸺ns; We'd love to see!
ââââââââââ â⸺âââââautistic regressorâđâââââ⪠ÍÍ ŕż
âââââââââââââ۶༢ེུ༷ â ââârequest by đ anon.
âââa flag for autistic regressorsâąregressors who are autistic. perhap's one's
âââautism affects or informs one's regression, though any autistic regressor
âââcan use and interpret as desired!
ŕť Í Ý ŰŤâĄâĄ áŁÝ Ýâຽ˳âââkate used the inverse colors of her autistic caregiver flag! initially had a slightly different palette but was very similar and thought of the idea... gulps.
âââthis flag is f2u! if using please credit Us somewhere on the post, in the tags,
âââor on your profile. please ask before reposting! use without credit and repost
âââwithout permission is not allowed. please feel free to tag Us in editsâącreatio
âââ⸺ns; We'd love to see!
Basic Info: adopted daughter of Baron Al Hashimi
Nicknames: Mimi , Mimi-Shimi
Notes/CW: life threatening illness, anticipatory grief
Background: Amelia was born premature with Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome and Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Her mom, one of Baranâs former VA patients, had never planned on keeping Amelia. She didnât feel like she could handle a child (or like she wanted to) and the diagnoses only reinforced it.
The first few months of Ameliaâs life were spent in the NICU. Baran stayed by her side the entire time, despite not being Ameliaâs doctor. None of that mattered to her â not when Baran knew that parental rights had been terminated and that foster families accepting medically complex kids were scarce. The only thing she cared about was making sure Amelia had someone in her corner. Someone to love on her and make her feel safe.
Of course, Amelia latched into Baran immediately. Baranâs presence comforted her in a way that nobody else ever could and to Baran, something about taking care of her just felt so inexplicably natural. When Amelia was three months old, Baran started the adoption process. It took months to be finalized, but Amelia considers Baran to be her mom from day one.
At six, Amelia outwardly seems like most other kids. She loves to rage-bait her older brother and sheâs obsessed with horses / My Little Pony. Sheâs always got some kind of costume on over her clothes and is so full of personality at home (even if sheâs incredibly shy otherwise).
What isnât seen, is the life Amelia continues to live in and out of hospitals. Her favorite playground is the jungle gym in the childrenâs hospital courtyard and some of her favorite people are the nurses who play games and sing along to disney songs with her.
It isnât a sad life, but Amelia knows that things about her are different. She sees her brother and how he doesnât need to take meds, or have a tube in his belly to help him eat. She sees other kids who no longer need a stroller, and she goes to her brotherâs soccer games every weekend â knowing the sport is safe for him but not for her.
Beyond this though, Amelia doesnât know about her prognosis or how serious her conditions are. She doesnât know about the gene mutation that caused so many of her complications, or the likelihood that sheâll one day need a transplant. These are all conversations Baran knows Amelia needs to be older to hear. Conversations that Baran struggles to prepare herself for, because she doesnât know how much older Amelia will get to be.
what if baran adopted the daughter of one of her patients at the VA?
TW: life threatening health issues & anticipatory grief
٠࣪â when baran decides she wants to take amelia in, nobody is on her side. sheâs just finalized her divorce and is navigating single motherhood to a 4-year-old boy, while starting another new job at another new hospital. her parents tell her sheâs being irresponsible and that they arenât going to pick up the pieces when they inevitably come crashing down. and when baran speaks to her friends, they canât understand why sheâs doing this. the only person who believes in her ability to make it work is her ex-husband.
٠࣪â the first year is the hardest of baranâs life. the three of them are cramped in a tiny apartment where baran is always overwhelmed & exhausted. amelia requires so much medical care throughout the day and never seems to stop crying. on top of it all, her son is fussier than ever â hating that he has to share his mom with a new baby.
٠࣪â no matter which kid baran is with, she always feels like sheâs neglecting the other. she hates herself for looking forward to the weekends where her son stays with his dad, because those are the closest thing she gets to a break.
٠࣪â starting in infancy, amelia has many hospitalizations. she was born with hypoplastic left heart syndrome â meaning the left side of her heart is severely underdeveloped. it canât properly pump blood to the rest of her body, causing amelia to need a series of surgeries in her infant & toddler years.
٠࣪â baran grew up a kid in the hospital and in her adulthood â she knows what itâs like to be the doctor consoling a family member. she knows to be the one responsible for coming up with the fix. but now, she is learning what itâs like to be the parent on the other side. to feel that powerlessness as amelia is taken back to an operating room where hands other than her own will hold her fragile heart and try to repair it. baran doesnât know how to trust a physician that isnât herself with her girl. she doesnât know how to simply get used to it.
٠࣪â yet she is expected to seperate motherhood from her life as a doctor. ameliaâs team doesnât converse with baran like sheâs a peer, they talk the way she does with worried parents. itâs jarring and infuriating and baran hates being on the other side.
٠࣪â all it does is remind her how powerless she is. it pierces through her when sheâs crying in the panera parking lot at 3am because their mac and cheese is the only thing amelia will eat and sure, itâs the middle of the night, but she finally decided she was hungry again after 3 days of no food. it hits harder than anything ever has, because as painful as their reality is â baran doesnât want to live in a world where she doesnât have a daughter to go on these 3am runs for.
٠࣪â still, baran refuses to let amelia see any of her grief. she wonât let amelia feel the pain that she does, or experience the hospital the way baran did growing up. and through her efforts, baran prevails.
٠࣪â she makes the hospital a fun place - a place full of art, color, and light. amelia grows up loving finger painting with mama during infusions and playing grocery store in the patient playroom with her brother. she loves that her and mama get to have sleepovers in the big bed, and that she can have mac and cheese no matter the time of day. through it all, amelia never knows the loneliness baran did. she grows up with nothing but the certainty that baran is by her side.
٠࣪â by the time baran accepts her position at PTMC, their family is in a much more stable place compared to where they started out. theyâre in a big house that is full of love and life. her son is playing soccer & baseball, and amelia is obsessed with horses and all things glittery pink.
٠࣪â however, the stability can become a curtain. baran never stops being aware of ameliaâs circumstances but her love for her daughter & desire for an ideal future can cloud reality. and each time that curtain is pulled back, baran is left with the impossibly heavy grief it hides. she has to learn â again and again â how to cope with being a mom to a child whose years have been given a number she isnât allowed to know. she has to grapple with the uncertainty, the unfairness, and the impossible balance of enjoying her days with amelia, keeping her own health in check, and letting herself feel the things she needs to feel.
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thinking about little!trinity & little!victoria hanging out at cassie and danaâs place. cassie has to leave them alone for a little bit when dana calls, stranded with a flat tire. cassie goes to pick her up, but not before ensuring the girls will be okay on their own.
they insist theyâre fine, and once cassie leaves, victoria decides she wants to play school. sheâll be the teacher and trinity will be her student.
trinity doesnât like this game â she can never get herself to sit still or focus the way victoria wants her to. but she reminds herself what baran always tells her: if they do victoriaâs activity first, trinity will get to choose the next one. and trinity has been waiting all day to show off her new ninja turtles.
so she goes with it.
âwe need chairs for our classroom,â victoria says. âwe can get them in the kitchen.â
trinity nods and follows her into the other room. they each grab a chair to take back, but as theyâre walking â victoria bumps into something.
glass shatters and victoria drops the chair in shock. sheâd hit an end table by the sofa and broken a vase. it was holding a beautiful bouquet and now, all the flowers are in shambles across the floor.
within seconds, victoria has dissolved into tears. thereâs water dripping off the table and forming a giant puddle on the floor. glass is everywhere and victoria wants to clean it up but she doesnât know where the broom is and if she picks it up herself, her hands will be shredded by the time sheâs done.
victoria hiccups, unable to catch her breath.
sheâs never gotten in trouble with her mamas before. sheâs never done anything bad like this. and now theyâre going to come home and see how careless she is and theyâre going to be so angry. theyâll never trust her again! or worse â theyâll stop wanting her altogether.
victoriaâs sobs intensify. she looks back at trinity in her panic, but trinity is just staring at the mess. her skin is so pale and her eyes are so wide and sheâs standing so still that it doesnât even look like thereâs a person inside of her.
âtrin-ny,â victoria cries.
it seems to shake trinity back to earth. she flinches, scratches at her lips, and frowns. in real time, victoria can see the gears turning in her head.
âitâs okay, crash,â trinity says. her voice is so quiet but victoria doesnât miss how it flips on the nickname. âjust say i did it.â
âwhat?â
victoria hiccups again and messily wipes her snot on her sleeve.
âyouâre not gonna get in trouble,â trinity says. her brow lowers with certainty as she looks at her friend. âjust say i did it.â
victoria hesitates, unsure. trinity didnât do it and she isnât supposed to lie. she shouldnât get yelled at for a mess she didnât make. but as victoria slips her thumb into her mouth, still struggling to get a full breath into her lungs, she isnât sure sheâd be able to take it if cassie and dana started to hate her.
â
when the two return an hour later, victoria is sitting on the sofa with her knees pulled into her chest. her thumb is still firmly planted between her lips and dried tears stain her cheeks. beside her, trinity is standing guard. she breaths manually and counts intervals on her fingers to keep herself from spacing out too far.
âoh â what happened here?â cassie coos as she approaches. her eyes graze the mess and concern washes over her face. âdid the vase fall?â
before either one can explain, sheâs ushering trinity away from the glass.
âdid you get hurt, trin?â
cassie makes quick work of checking trinityâs hands. she turns them over so she can see both sides, then helps her lift her feet to make sure she didnât get any cuts on the soles. when sheâs done, she does the same for victoria.
âyou girls okay?â dana asks. she glances between the younger ones as she crouches down by the mess and begins to sweep the broken pieces into a dust pan.
victoria, with her eyes wide as ever, gives a silent nod. trinity takes it as a cue, and follows in her lead.
âi broke it,â she says. âi wanted to play ninja turtles and said we needed chairs for obstacles a- and so we got them from the kitchen and um, i bumped the table on accident. iâmâŚâ
trinity sucks in a breath and holds it. âreally sorry.â
her eyes are glued to the floor as she waits for a response. itâs always the hardest part, she knows. the waiting and the hoping.
âokay,â cassie says. she pauses and takes a breath. âthank you for being so honest with us, trinity.â
trinity chews the insides of her cheeks, confused.
âyou two know the rules about moving the furniture around without permission, yeah?â dana asks.
trinity nods. furniture is never to be arranged without a caregiver to help.
âwell, this is why we have them. it isnât safe to carry big things around the house and we donât want you guys getting hurt. we love ya â we donât need any scrapes and bruises!â
trinity gives another nod.
âyeah⌠bad choice,â she murmurs. she shuffles on her feet with her eyes still stuck to the floor. âreally sorry.â
âitâs okay,â cassie says. âi know it can be hard to tell the truth with these things so i want you to know, iâm really proud of you for being so honest. we both are.â
cassieâs voice is so soft. she rubs trinityâs arm as she speaks and gives a reassuring smile. itâs so warm and understanding and it isnât at all what was supposed to happen. it isnât what trinity scripted responses for, or spent her whole life tolerating. it doesnât make sense.
something like panic or confusion begins to seep through her. itâs in her bones, all over her body, and trinity canât help it â her frown is starting to wobble. blurry tears are filling her eyes now too and trinity doesnât want to cry â she doesnât need to cry. but these feelings are hitting stronger than she can prepare for and itâs becoming too much for her to handle.
all trinity wants to do is run.
âhey, itâs okay,â cassie tells her, giving her arm a little squeeze. âit was just an accident.â
âyeah, itâs no big deal,â dana affirms. sheâs perched by the edge of the sofa, holding victoriaâs hand. âas long as youâre okay and you know not to do it again, thatâs all that matters. that vase wasnât even $5 at a flea market -- weâll just get another one.â
but the promise only makes it worse. a dam breaks â trinity isnât sure where â and heavy sobs begin to pour out of her.
trinity collapses into cassieâs arms and cassie embraces her on instinct. she lowers them both to the ground and holds trinity in her lap while she cries â rubbing her back and telling her over and over again that itâs okay.
she isnât in trouble. she isnât bad. she didnât do anything wrong.
trinity doesnât respond to any of it. all she does is cling to the older woman â gripping the fabric of cassieâs shirt as tightly as she can. itâs as if she might dematerialize at any moment and trinity needs to be with her when it happens. maybe that way, trinity will go with her.
but cassie promises she wonât.
she isnât going anywhere. she isnât leaving. and trinity isnât going to be alone.
in fact, she says. itâs quite the opposite. trinity is safe here. she is loved.
cassie repeats the affirmations while rubbing circles on trinityâs back until it all just sounds like word soup. and still, they stay on the floor together â cassie allowing to feel as much as she needs.
eventually, trinity is too exhausted to keep going. her wails fade into sniffles or quiet whimpers and her fingers somehow find their way into her mouth. a heavy head lulls into the crook of cassieâs neck and when cassie looks down, she sees sleepy eyelids fluttering shut.
only then, does cassie carry her into the guest room and climb into bed with her. trinity might insist otherwise, but cassie knows no good could come from her waking up alone.
â
the next morning, victoria feels bigger.
she heads downstairs to find dana or cassie â cringing when she walks by the end table in the living room. the thought of making trinity lie for her is now enough to make her stomach churn and even if things are different in this headspace, victoria knows she needs to fess up.
thankfully, dana is already in the kitchen when victoria enters â making a pot of coffee.
âhey kid,â she says, smiling at her girl. âwhy are you up so early?â
victoria shrugs. she pulls at her sleeves as unexpected anxiety washes over her, but manages to spit out her explanation. she talks about playing school and needing the chairs for the classroom, then explains how she panicked when she broke the vase and how trinity did too, just in her own trinity way. and then she says how trinity offered to cover for her.
victoria pauses â the moment freezing in her mind like a tv screen paused at the worst possible sight.
the same questions that kept her up half the night are rushing back over her and victoria doesnât know what to do with them. so she allows herself to give them a voice.
why was trinity so set on taking the fall? why would she say it was her when sheâd been so certain whoever did it would be punished?
it isnât something dana can answer, though she has her suspicions. all she can say is that itâs something sheâll have to talk about with cassie about. and eventually, trinity too.
â
AN: i was thinking about trinity taking langdonâs verbal beating for samira in s1 and how it likely isnât the first time sheâs done that kind of thing. this was supposed to be a short little analysis of how it manifests in her regression, as i imagine it being a childhood trauma reflex that comes back when sheâs small. but obviously that didnât happen. so if you got this far, i hope you enjoyed reading, and perhaps iâll write more about the convo with cassie & trinity too
this is based largely on my own experience, so itâs very self indulgent lol. as a disclaimer - it is not meant to romanticize chronic illness, medical devices, or hospitalizations in any capacity. all of the images have meaning behind them & most are explained in the headcanons below the cut! :))
- as jackieâs symptoms fluctuate, so does her ability to tolerate tube feeds. there are times where running them at all, even on her slowest rate, is completely unbearable. these days are terrifying. jackie never knows if sheâs experiencing a flare, if she pushed herself too hard and is now crashing, or if her baseline is decreasing again. she wants to have hope for the best â itâs just who she is. but jackie knows intimately that every flare has the opportunity to cause major decline.
- jackie has a weighted heating pad that is practically attached to her on her bad days. nat has to remind her not to put it against her bare skin and for a while, jackie ignores her. until one day, she realizes her skin is covered in pale brown burns, aka âtoasted skin syndromeâ.
- nat will write encouraging messages on jackieâs feed bags and sit in bed with her while the formula is pumped through. sheâll try to keep jackie distracted by putting on little shows with her sylvanians or playing easy card games like character matching or go fish.
- their bed becomes an absolute mess when jackieâs in a flare. she was already a nester pre-crash, but now, with various medical devices â itâs a whole other level.
- jackie keeps all her meds, a pill crusher, enteral syringes, extra tube extensions, alcohol pads, nausea candies, griplock, a glucose monitor with all its supplies, and emesis bags with her at all times. she also keeps luna bunny, her favorite sylvanians, a sensory toy, and some magnet tiles to keep her entertained. it might seem excessive, but if jackieâs in too much pain to get up, this gives her some of her autonomy back. she doesnât have to wait for nat to bring her what she needs if itâs already in her bed.
- jackie also has a few toys with medical devices that match hers. she has a teddy bear with a surgical tube & tubie pad like hers. she also has a baby doll with a nasal tube from when she had her NG. jackie loves them both, but sheâs especially fond of her doll. every time she has to flush her tube or take meds through it, she will first pretend to do it to her baby.
- jackie & nat always have a hospital go bag packed for emergencies. theyâve learned the hard way that ER trips are unpredictable and jackieâs admissions are never short. jackie hates the sight of the bag in the corner â she feels like itâs mocking her. but whenever sheâs admitted, sheâs relieved to have brought it.
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hi ana! i saw your reblog on kate's shauna post and Uu are 1OO% CORRECT! your takes are always so awesome and refreshing! kate was wondering if Uu could please share some headcanons for the adult yellowjackets regressing! kate literally so greedy would love 22 hear abt any and all of them so whoever is calling most of all could she please request some hcs hehe.... no worries if not but thank Uu so much regardless!
hi kate , thank you so much - this makes me so happy to hear !! i would absolutely love to talk about the adult TL yellowjackets !! this is kinda a mix of all of them so maybe iâll go more in depth abt specific characters in another post too :)) also , i got a bit carried away so this is kinda long, i hope thatâs okay!!
- i think all of (or at least most) of the adult TL characters are in a state of permanent regression. not in the sense that theyâre actively regressing (or that theyâre even aware of it!) but in a way of â the trauma they experienced caused varying levels of arrested development. it stunted them in the wilderness & when they were rescued, none of them had the proper supports to help them âcatch upâ.
- the one who stands out to me the most with this is misty. sheâs mentally around 17, as this is the last time she felt safe & had a sense of normalcy.
- sometimes though, sheâll drop younger. generally around a middle school age (11-13). this will happen when misty is feeling emotionally threatened or worked up. it brings back a lot of hard memories from the bullying she faced in school, and causes her defensive behaviors to come back. misty gets argumentative and whiny, sometimes even huffing like sheâs about to throw a tantrum. i feel like we see a lot of this in s3 with walter.
- but when misty is alone and dropped, she often struggles to know how sheâs feeling beyond the fact that she feels bad. so misty will anxiously fidget with & twirl her hair, sometimes even chewing it the way she used to be scolded for as a child. and on particularly bad days, misty will hide in her closet with an old plushie and just let herself cry. sheâll suck her thumb and rock back and forth, wishing she wasnât all alone.
- in these moments, misty yearns so deeply for someone to be there and take care of her. itâs the same sadness she carried when she really was a child. and when misty thinks about how long sheâs spent feeling lonely, the heaviness of it all can make her drop even smaller. sometimes, all the way down to a toddler age.
- natâs regression also really stands out to me. itâs very similar to mistyâs in that, both of them are still dressing & behaving like teenagers. but possibly the biggest thing with nat, is that her emotional regulation and impulse control skills are incredibly stunted. she doesnât know how to cope with her trauma, so she depends on substances the way she did as a teen. her childhood behaviors are all she knows.
- imo, this is why nat thrived in lottieâs commune. she finally had the guidance that she needed and it helped regulate her. it also gave nat the structure and stability she never got as a kid. this newfound safety causes her to start dropping even younger.
- when these drops happens, nat can go very young â around 4 or 5. she sinks so deep into her head that sheâll feel like sheâs been cut off from the outside world. natâs biggest external tell is that her demeanor will change from big and bold, to shy and withdrawn. she often wonât respond to things verbally either, or even notice when her name is being called. sheâs just too far away.
- regressed nat at the commune will almost always seek out lottie. she doesnât really know why â big!nat still isnât sure if she trusts her. but all little!nat wants is to be held and comforted. she wants to be wrapped up and taken care of the way she shouldâve been growing up, and nat remembers how, many years ago, lottie used to love taking care of her.
- of course, lottie will still embrace her. she knows that when nat is small, the world is far too big & overwhelming for her. so lottie makes sure to be so gentle and slow in her interactions. sheâll let nat lay against her chest, or put her head in her lap, and sheâll stroke her hair while whispering soft reassurances.
- itâs incredibly comforting for both of them â nat grounds herself in lottieâs touch and lottie grounds herself in every promise she makes.
- when it comes to lottie â her regression has essentially shaped her adulthood. it makes sense, given how everything she does is in search for community. lottie grew up so isolated and even with her team pre-crash, she was always on the outskirts of things.
- now, lottie is in a place where she no longer knows how to connect with others. she doesnât know how to find friends, or find people who care about her. itâs not even a skill sheâs lost â itâs one she never developed.
- so lottie spends her adulthood trying to recreate the good moments in the wilderness, because thatâs the only thing she knows how to do. itâs the only time she can remember feeling deserving of love.
i have so many more thoughts â especially about lottie (i actually wrote my human development final last year on her arrested development & how it impacts her adulthood!!) but this is already so long đ but if anyone wants to read more, i will happily write it !!
In honor of your RH headcannons can you do a dabble/mini fic of Little trinity having the worst day of her sugar levels <3 (take your time on requests dont rush yourself!!!!)
little!trinity santos with dana & cassie , some cg!baran. possible cw for a medical emergency
note: i wrote this as a bullet fic because iâve been dealing with a lot of brain fog from my own medical issues, which has made writing harder. but i also got a bit carried away and this is now much longer than i expected it to be, so i hope that balances it out!! also, this is not meant to depict what reactive hypothermia is like day-to-day. i based this off of my own worst day with RH last april. generally, bad RH days are not this extreme, but it makes for interesting writing.
- the day starts off normal. theyâre at work and about two hours in, trinityâs dexcom alerts a low. itâs only 65, but the arrow is down, so she takes one of the jolly ranchers she keeps in her scrub pockets.
- trinity goes up to 68, which she decides is good enough. so she goes back to work â meeting with a new patient. her dexcom app goes off again mid convo, but trinity ignores it. itâs probably just going off to alert that sheâs at 70.
- but when she goes back to the nurses station and checks her phone â thereâs a glaring 55 with the arrow straight down.
- at that point, baran (who also has the app & gets alerts) has sent multiple texts. she quickly finds trinity and gives her a can of sprite.
- âtry to drink this,â she says, before giving the younger girl a packet of fruit gummies. âand eat some of these.â
- trinity nods and starts sipping the soda. when baran asks how sheâs feeling, trinity insists sheâs fine. she neglects to tell her about the ache behind her eyes & how her forehead is starting to throb.
- âstay here until it goes up to 70, okay?â baran instructs. trinity rolls her eyes, but obliges. she reminds baran again that sheâs okay & she doesnât need a babysitter.
- âyou can go back to work. i know how to handle this.â
- so baran does. but one sprite, pack of gummies, & fifteen minutes later, trinityâs sugar has gone up to 63 then dropped down even further to 49. her hands are now shaking, her headache is even stronger, and trinity canât tell if the pounding in her chest is anxiety or something much more sinister.
- while she sits, cassie takes note of her. trinity is never parked at the nursing station unless sheâs behind on charting and right now, she doesnât seem to be doing much of anything. so cassie goes over and asks if sheâs okay.
- instinctively, trinity nods. she has to be okay, sheâs always okay. and if she acknowledges what is happening â it will all get very real very fast and trinity isnât sure she can handle that.
- still, the feeling is continuing to get worse. her headache is fierce and constant. in her stomach, curdled, acidic nausea has made itself a home. and as the trembling in her hands intensifies, trinity can feel herself starting to shrink within herself. the fear her older self canât grapple with is getting dropped onto her tiny shoulders.
- hesitantly, trinity shows cassie her phone and cassieâs eyes widen when she sees the screen.
- trinity hasnât been above 68 in almost two hours and now, sheâs down to 45.
- âsantos, what the fuck?â cassie exclaims in a nervous whisper. she pulls the stethoscope from around her neck to listen to trinityâs heart and check her pulse.
- as trinity watches, tears wellin her eyes. this isnât supposed to be happening. she isnât supposed to still be low. she wants to go find baran, she wants to go home but if she does â everyone will know somethings wrong. theyâll all see how scared she is and something about that feels even more terrifying than the hypoglycemia itself.
- âdo you have anything with you?â cassie asks.
- trinity nods and pulls a handful of jolly ranchers out of her pocket. with trembling hands, she opens one up and pops it into her mouth.
- meanwhile, cassie is pulling over one of the vitals machines. she takes trinityâs arm (trinity is only half aware) and puts the BP cuff around her. when the read is 84/60 â cassie murmurs another swear.
- âokay, weâre gonna sign you in as a patient,â cassie says, staring down at trinityâs phone. the red circle with the 42 in the middle is making her stomach churn.
- âcan you tell me whatâs been going on? when did this start?â cassie asks. âhow have you treated it.â
- trinity swallows and tries to gather her words. she knows theyâre in there somewhere but the clouds in her head are so thick and the little silver dots scattered around cassieâs face are incredibly distracting.
- âum⌠a few hours ago i wasâŚâ trinity blinks and swallows. she canât remember anymore. âi was with a patient and⌠uh i went i think to⌠i⌠i umâŚâ
-her speech is slurred and sluggish. the letters donât seem to know their form. cassie leans in as trinity talks and makes a mental note of the acetonic smell on her breath.
-cassie then calls out to dana, at the other end of the station, and dana whips herself around.
-âwe need a bed â i think a santos is going into insulin shock.â
- â15 central should be open,â dana calls out. she hurries away from the desk, grabs a spare wheelchair, and pushes it over to them.
- by the time they get trinity into the room, she is silently on the brink of tears. the room wonât stop rocking like a ship in a storm and her headache is nothing sheâs ever felt before. her limbs are now too weak to control and all trinity wants to do is lay down and sleep.
- when they get her onto a stretcher, trinityâs mind is too far away to hear cassie talk about putting her on a telemonitor. trinityâs shirt is then lifted all the way up and she canât help but whine in protest â her body jolting upwards.
- âhey â hey, kid, we gotta stay laying down, okay?â dana interjects. she uses firm hands to gently push trinity back onto the stretcher and keep her there while cassie places the leads. trinity merely watches â her eyes wide and watery like a deer in the headlights.
- once the leads are positioned, dana makes quick work of placing an IV in trinityâs inner elbow. trinity whines and makes a face as sheâs poked, then again when her finger is poked for the glucometer.
- âweâre gonna give you some sugar, okay?â cassie says. âitâs gonna suck for a minute but itâll get you feeling better,â
- she sits on the edge of the stretcher with trinity and offers her a small smile. when trinity looks back at her, cassie canât help but reach out and stroke the hairs that frame her face.
- âitâs all gonna be okay,â she says.
- soon, dana returns holding a big syringe. itâs the kind trinity has used many times before on diabetic patients who miscalculated their insulin doses. as trinity watches dana connect it to her own IV, she tries not to think about how much they all hated it & how badly it seemed to burn.
- dana pushes the liquid slowly. itâs sticky and thick â like a tube of sterile molasses. trinity canât tell if the pace numbs the effect or just prolongs the torture. but she knows is that her arm is on fire, her headache has spread all over, and the room is now rocking even faster.
- cassie continues to whisper gentle reassurances the entire time. she strokes trinityâs hair and reminds her that itâll be okay. trinity clings to the promise harder than she ever has anything else.
- in less than ten minutes, the dextrose gets trinity up from 40 to 135. but after fifteen more, sheâs back down at 55.
-they repeat the finger stick and shot while trinity whimpers and cries, squeezing cassieâs hand with all she has. itâs somehow even worse the second time around â the rapid drop and aggressive over-correction. it makes trinity want to crawl right out of her skin as the monitor behind her beeps and flashes. her heartrate is too high and BP too low. cassie tells her she needs to stay lying flat no matter what.
- by the time the third injection is pushed, trinity wants to tell them to stop. only she canât, because after another 15 minutes, sheâs gone from 128 to 46. all trinity can do is let out sobs even heavier than before.
-âi know sweet girl, i know,â cassie coos, so gentle as she strokes trinityâs hair. âi wish we didnât have to do this.â
-another hour goes by and soon enough, and theyâve given her four shots total. with trinityâs sugar still in the high 50s, cassie calls al-hashimi and puts her on a continuous dextrose drip to prevent another crash.
- baran comes over as quickly as she can. when she sees trinity from the doorway, she canât help but freeze. trinity is laying on the stretcher, exhausted. her face is red and puffy from crying yet somehow, so pale. her lips are stuck in a wavering frown and sheâs clinging desperately to cassieâs hand.
- in that moment, it doesnât matter that trinity isnât biologically hers. it doesnât matter that trinityâs body is that of an adults or that sheâs still in her scrubs like the rest of them.
- no, all baran can see is her terrified little girl in the middle of a medical emergency. the thought of it makes her heart ache so deeply it feels like it could split in two.
- âwhatâs her status?â baran asks. she lets her eyes drift trinity, to cassie, to dana. âwhatâs her sugar at?â
- âlast chem-stick was 84. so sheâs doing better on the fluids,â cassie says. âwe did four rounds of straight IV dextrose but she was reacting it pretty badly. i imagine the same thing was happening with whatever sheâd been using to treat her lows before.â
- baran nods, her expression dropping. all she can feel is guilt pooling in her stomach at the thought of trinity going through this without her. laying in an ER bed while her mama was just a few yards away, so focused she never noticed her phone buzzing to alert trinityâs lows.
- still, baran manages a smile. she pulls up a chair so she can sit by trinityâs head while cassie continues to play with her hair.
- âweâre gonna have to keep you overnight, my loveâ baran says. her voice is hushed â not wanting to frighten trinity even more. âjust until youâre stable without the fluids.â
- too tired to protest, trinity gives a meek nod. sheâs too small and too distant to think about it further â all she can register is that she trusts baran.
- when trinity is moved to an inpatient room, baran comes by as soon as her shift ends. she brings a taco bell kids meal for trinity (her favorite, even though baran finds them repulsive) and a cava salad for herself. they picnic on the hospital bed together while cartoon network plays on the tv.
- âyou were so brave today,â baran praises. âiâm so proud of you.â
- trinity doesnât know why baran is proud â she didnât do anything but cry and whine the whole time. but she knows baran would never lie to her. so trinity accepts the compliment and finishes her dinner with a smile. so long as baran is with her, being the patient doesnât have to be as scary as it seems.
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do you have any thoughts on how trinity would handle regression when it comes to romantic relationships?
TW: this touches on trinityâs csa history and the trauma responses it causes. also just a side note - i think i got a bit carried away with this one because it ended up being very long. but i hope i answered your question & i hope you enjoy reading !!
it depends a lot on who sheâs with!
trinityâs regression is something sheâs already so protective of, even as other people in her life (dennis, baran) learn about it. and when it comes to a romantic partner â it adds another layer of vulnerability. this is something trinity struggles with even without the regression piece; it makes her feel exposed.
garsantos is canon, but i personally donât see trinity ever opening up to yolanda about it. yolanda is very hard around the edges and difficult to read and this creates instability between them. we see in s2 how it makes makes trinity go in circles. and however much anxiety big!trinity feels, little!trinity experiences 100x more intensely.
with another partner though (using samira as an example to push my mosantos agenda) it wouldnât be hidden forever.
trinity would still try to keep it to herself. dennis and baran tell her she doesnât have to â sheâs safe with samira â and trinity knows this. but she canât get herself out of protection mode. she doesnât know how when sheâs lived their her whole life.
so when samira finds out, itâs completely out of the blue.
itâs one of the times trinity stays overnight with her. she has an awful nightmare and wakes up at 3am, having wet the bed.
immediately, trinity panics. she doesnât know what to do or where to go. she could run to the bathroom and hide. but samira would inevitably find out & punish her. so maybe she could wake samira up and get it all over with? but both options feel so scary. trinity is paralyzed with fear & anxiety as she sits there crying with her fingers in her mouth.
the sound of her distress is what eventually wakes samira up. sheâs confused, but takes stock of the situation rather quickly. she then sits beside trinity and quietly reassures her â
âitâs okay, youâre safe.â âthese things happenâ itâs just an accident.â
samira is so tentative, so patient and kind. she asks permission before touching trin, and once she gets a nod, begins to rub her back. she repeats the circular motion & whispered reassurances until trinityâs sobs have tapered off.
from there, sheâs able to help trinity into the bathroom to clean up and change. samira has to do almost all of it for her â trinity is far too timid and withdrawn â but samira doesnât mind.
her slow, cautious approach also allows her to be more conscious of trinityâs behavior. trinityâs fingers never leave her mouth and she keeps twirling & tugging at her hair, which samira has never seen her do before. trinity hardly speaks too, and when she does, her words are quieter. softer.
samira, at this point, knows what involuntary regression is â at least on some level. so sheâs kind of able to infer that this is whatâs happening. but she doesnât say anything about it because she knows trinity is already feeling so ashamed â acknowledging it will make things worse.
so samira gets her cleaned up, then quietly changes the sheets. when the two talk in the morning, trinity doesnât remember much. and she doesnât fully seem like herself yet either. sheâs withdrawn. quiet. like someone has disarmed her. she apologizes and says it wonât happen again.
but of course it does, only in other ways. the repetition of it has samira doing more googling to deepen her understanding because she knows that knowledge is everything.
and eventually, theyâre able to sit down and have a real conversation about it. trinity doesnât want to, but she (vaguely) explains what is going on and when/why it happens. samira listens with intent and asks her what she wants and what she feels comfortable with. because pushing it down isnât healthy and wonât do anyone any good.
through this, they end up coming to a few agreements. like if trinity is dropping around samira, she needs to somehow let her know so that samira doesnât accidentally say/do something she would around an actual child. and that if trin is regressed and wants samira to take care of her, samira always will.
but she also doesnât have to. trinityâs always allowed to say no â however if samira doesnât knows that sheâs dropped, someone else (wether itâs samira, baran, or dennis) needs to, as it isnât safe for little!trinity to be completely on her own.
and as she gets more comfortable, little!trinity comes out more often. including voluntarily, because she loves mama samira!! the two are able to set aside time for little!trinity so she doesnât feel stifled, and so that there are less surprises day to day.
big!trinity is never (or at least not for a long time) all too thrilled about little!trinityâs presence around samira. this felt like the one aspect of her life sheâd wanted to keep 100% seperate. but she learns to tolerate it. or at least she has to, because once little!trinity knows she can be out for fun around samira? sheâs wanting at least some time every day.