"...just go. There's nothing left for you here."
Sitting at the window's edge, Lililei stared listlessly out at the passerby below. The sun rippled through the clouds on this overcast day, and she found herself company to nothing more than regret. A well-worn mug was clutched in her hands. The steam drifted upwards; it smelt burnt.
She took a sip anyway. It had been a long time coming, but still the lalafell found that she wanted to feel his touch on her cheeks again. Her apartment felt emptier than it had before, and she swallowed against the bitterness going down. A frown made itself home on her face even as she fought it. To her surprise, she hadn't cried yet. No, there had been no tears when she realized he was drifting away, and there were no tears when she realized she needed to let him go.
It didn't soothe the nothingness she felt now, but it was as good a goodbye as she'd ever had. She could only wish him well.
The glass pane felt cool as she rested her forehead against it, a welcome respite from the staggering heat she must be imagining. Betraying her better judgement, she mouthed the words she had told him moons ago; I don't want to lose you too.
Honey eyes fluttered shut, blocking out her reflection. She knew the shadows on her face by heart, now. The truth of it burned, knowing the nights she had spent awake trying to distract herself from the mounting divide between her and Challa had taken their toll. Lililei felt powerless, a thought which scared her. Not once had she ever been brought so low. So why now?
It's because you're a lovesick fool, a cynical thought took her. Lost in what you had wanted, and forgetting what you needed. Always the same pattern, but now it's cut deep. When will you ever learn?
Her coffee made its way to rest on the bookshelf beside her. The hands holding it had been shaking, small drops escaping onto the floorboards. Why is it that she always ends up alone? Everyone she had known and loved had left. Was it that she was somehow unlovable? She certainly felt defective, at this point.
Oh, what a pitiful thought. Get a grip, she told herself, and stop wallowing; it's unbecoming and overdramatic. If she could not be loved, that was fine. She had never needed it anyway and lusting for what was beyond her design was a stupid move. She was whatever she would make herself into. The shadows under her eyes peeked out from trembling fingers, mirroring up in the windowpane. Lililei reached back, and told herself she would do better. She would be better; and she would find her own happiness again.
