Infinite Afternoon

It has been quite a long time since I have even looked at this thing. Things in my life exploded a little bit, though, and it caused me to have nostalgic thoughts. I expected to arrive at this post box and simply describe what I was thinking and how selfish it was.

The posts that are already here gave me a little pause, though. It is plain to see the abyssal depression in what I decided to write. Relationship stress is a bit of a theme, too. I can't say that these things have necessarily gone away. I do at least have the helpful understanding of what they are now and I can put them to words better.

I am still very depressed but the more I talk about what it does to me the more I can put related thoughts into the correct perspective. I credit my wife fully. She continues to endure the hell I unleash.

She is not immune to the damage, though. The emotional wounds never have enough time to heal before the next episode begins. I am pretty sure I'm still not improving myself quickly enough.

I didn't know how to be better until afterwards. Maybe I wouldn't have learned that if things had been different.

I am so depressed.

I am bored but I don't want to do anything.

I learned today that she strongly believes in dangerous conspiracy theories. At least, things seem a little worse than I was actually prepared for.

I don't believe in the existence of an afterlife. So, what does that leave? Nothingness. All of this and the reward is the end of existence. For everyone.

How am I supposed to be okay with that? How is it that you are okay with it? What if you aren't okay with it? What if nobody is okay with it?

And I am terrified.

I feel only a loose grasp on the flow of time as it slips through my fingers.

I need to grow up, but I don't know how.

The past is done. It is okay for me to carry the memories of the past in my heart and even feel emotional about the people, places, and things I've lost. I should spend an occasional moment remembering, understanding, and learning from them. It helps me to write my thoughts during these moments down and to fill a map of my history with pins.

But I cannot be consumed by any of this. Doing so takes time away from encountering new memories of things other than sadness. Putting too much energy into reliving my own life just makes it seem to speed away that much faster. Nothing can change the fact that it is on an infinite journey away from now.