Patheric Lover

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.. I’m unsure if it’s because I’m lonely. But I find myself thinking of you.. thinking of how I wish we were on good terms . I feel a lot of shame for what I put you through and should be over you. It’s been 6 years and still I dream about you. I wonder if you ever think of me or dream of me. I hope my yearning for you reaches you in your dreams. They say when you dream of someone it means they’re thinking of you… I hope it’s true because I think about you a lot.

I stalked your tumblr. I Scrolled all the way to 2020 to see if you mentioned me at all but you did not. I read some of your highschool/early college posts and I feel terrible because I know some of them were about me. I was a terrible gf and I wish I could’ve been better. I wish I was mature enough back then to realize I had BPD and worked on it .

I remember the last time we talked I think you said you were tired, that I’d break up with you . And that’s true you don’t deserve to be put through that. I was so immature and depressed at that time so I even tried to take my own life. I felt so much shame when I woke up in the hospital. I remember even telling the nurse I had nothing to live for because I was thinking about you. Looking back I was dramatic and shouldve found a better way to cope with your rejection . But even still . I miss you. I sadly hold a lot of anger and grief towards you because I am mostly angry at myself for what I put you through.

I remember I tried to drunk call you and your gf at the time picked up and I was honest with her that I was just drunk and missed you . .. idk

I think about when I saw your tinder profile a few years later and swiped right hoping you’d have done the same but as soon as it didn’t say we matched I deleted my account and everything because I was ashamed and sad.

That Same week I had saw you on the bus and on my walk home after I remember my stomach feeling sick and anxious.

I guess I’m just lost. So much has happened since we parted ways.

I hate to admit but I fear i was so immature and scared of my feelings ..

After all this time .. all the heart breaks I’ve been though these last 6 years.

I still want you.

And I dropped all my side pieces. Well except one I was hesitating to but ultimately I would.

I’ve made it this far(more than 6mo) with my FWB on being emotionally detached and not giving into him, we haven’t talked about what we are / what we want to be.

But I feel so uncomfortable when he says things like “I like you a lot” because he’s just using me for my body at the end of the day and I feel like it’s unnecessary to bring him in when I know it’s not going to last. We don’t even talk everyday , which is something I’d like .. even then that’s a lot for me and I feel so emotionally exhausted that I can’t handle that kind of commitment and intimacy. Maybe I should tell him .

I was going through my friends and is photos in our messages and saw a screenshot of your hinge profile from when I shared it with her because I thought you were cute. It brought back some weird feelings and since then I can’t stop thinking about you. I know we went diffrent ways because you were going through something and couldn’t let me in. I wish I could’ve helped you. Instead I just left because you were no longer replying to me. I remember sending you a goodbye message saying I hope you feel better and you heal from what happened to you. I wish it didn’t end that way. Maybe I’m just delusional but you were so sweet to me and maybe it could’ve gone somewhere. Maybe I couldve let you in too since I’m scared of intimacy and commitment . But you were very nice to me and I liked you a lot. I wish I could talk to you again but I know I can’t , because a who am I to message you out of the blue. I don’t think you’d like it and how would I even reconnect us? You probably forgot about me since we met at such a low point in your life. I just had to get this out of my system so I could move on from this feeling.

Hope you’re healing and doing well

Love

I’m happy my friends and mom came to my graduation.. but amongst the crowd I saw a lot of people with their S/os and such and it made me remember when I was dating a senior as a sophomore .. he was a terrible guy but I loved him (I think) at the time.. I was at his graduation because I was with the marching band so when the ceremony was over I ran to him and kissed him. We were on a break at the time but I did it anyways lol and little did I know his dad was recording and caught that on video. He got mad at me for doing that but I wonder if he ever watches that video just to see me jumping into his arms and kissing him. Sounds sweet.

He hates me now and thinks I’m gross bc I’m fat but whatever tbh.

I then thought about my other ex and how when we graduated we were not on speaking terms.

We eventually got back together 2 years later then broke up again because I was scared of commitment and the future.

But could you blame me? He was my highschool sweetheart and had been on and off for a bit ( because of me I’d always break it off but that’s because I’d get scared and leave)

N e ways tonight when I got home and took off my gown n make up I thought. I wonder if he finished school. Because when we were dating he never really shared where he was with his school journey like if he was transferring or getting an associates.

I thought about if maybe he was graduating this year like me ? Unlikely because I changed majors late and he had his heart set on architecture.

I wonder if we stayed together, would he be at my graduation? With flowers for me and happy for me ? I don’t think we’d be a good fit given our history but given I have no one else to romanticize.. I turn to him ..

Speaking on him liking architecture I wonder if hed like going to places in downtown with me since I’ve been exploring there more .. I think hed like it.. sigh idk I guess I get lonely. I mean don’t get me wrong I love my friends and when they go out to do activities with me it’s fun and I enjoy myself! But seeing couples makes me slightly sad .

Funny enough tho looking back on my relationship with my hs sweetheart , I was giving very undiagnosed BPD and it didn’t help that I didn’t have my anxiety under control.. lol

I mean I’ve moved on , am slowing working on my BPD, and I’m sure he has moved on too, he dated someone else after me. So can’t expect him to be single forever lol . But lowkey I wish hed be single forever

But if anything I’ll be the one single forever since I’m avoidant asf and can’t take relationships slow .

Anyways

Congratulations class of 2025

It was all a miss understanding .. she just wanted a FWB and wanted to see other people while messing with me.. and I just wanted her to myself because I thought the feeling was mutual but it was not.. so to prevent more damage I’ has to cut her off.. I’m really sad about it.. but I guess I ignored all her red flags in reality.. she was lowkey a porn addict and I guess didn’t communicate right.and would hide her screen from me .. . but man I miss her a lot..

We cuddled a lot and had some pretty good sex.. plus she was nice to me and cute… she also gave me a little my melody keychain and plush … sigh.. idk

I’m going to think about her a lot even though she probably has forgotten me by now … she didn’t seem too sad when I said I wanted to break things off ..

She even said goodbye with a smiley face like wtf kind of heartless bitch adds salt to the wound like that!?

Idk I really should get over it.. it’s going to be a week since that happened :/ ..

As a result of me scream crying about it and being depressed I broke no contact with S and am trying to reignitht my fixation on him as a form of self hard. Idk how well it’s working but as usual he’s spotty with replies and making empty promises <3 so at least I’m back in hell where I belong in terms of love? Idk

I still think about j sometimes even tho he blocked me lol but I know that won’t happen. I guess I’m done looking for love for awhile since I know I’m not mentally stable for one. Like I’m trying really hard to keep my peace and I still tend to fuck it up in my friendships. Idk I’m just tired physically and mentally lately. Finals are over tho so yay. Gotta get back into a self care routine and begin applying for jobs in my major since I’m graduating soon. I also want to travel soon so I gotta get my coin up.

I thought I met the one .. let’s call him J ( fuck j names after this)

We went on a really nice date and he was so sweet to me, complimenting me, holding my hand , kissing me , ect and we had spent the night cuddling and kissing.. he respected my wishes about not going all the way and it was nice .. he continued to kiss me and hold me and cuddle me..

And we were cool for about a week .. even planning our next date..

Then he just blocked me ?

No signs of why or a message to let me know things were not going to work out.. it really hurt

I knew deep in me it wouldn’t work so I was preparing for the “ I don’t think this is going to work out “ text .. and instead I was blind sighted with a block

Im sad because j was perfect.. he seemed perfect.. he was attractive, attentive, he said he loved listening to me.. and he was super sweet and supportive of my art which I am always Embarrassed to share..

The night we met , we met at a club, he was super caring and even bought me water and food to sober me up and even dove me home.. he didn’t try to get into my pants that night too.. he was super respectful.. fuck he was so nice and I was so excited ..

Im sad things ended so soon..

Like I asked him if I could borrow his jacket after our first date .. and he left it with me and I really wanted it so I could fix it for him because there was a hole in the sleeve..

I feel so pathetic knowing I am once again let down by every man in my life…

I know nobody will ever reciprocate my feelings

Why do I yearn for something that is clearly not meant for me ?

Do I think if I put all my energy into someone else romantically they will take care of me the way I should take care of myself?

The idea of caring for a romantic partner such as asking about their day.. cooking for them.. doing things for them that they would appreciate..

That sounds so nice and I wish I had someone to do those things for…

What’s wrong with me.. why do I want someone who doesn’t exists so badly..

Why do I want to be cared for so badly as well..

I want someone to check in on me and ask how my day was.. and do nice things for me and talk to me…

Maybe I’m just so alone..