levi alex crowley

okay i have one more post to make about the s3 finale and then im just going to choose to not interact with it at all or talk about it because its far too painful. so here goes.

good omens 3 genuinely triggers me.

and im not just talking it makes me cry for a bit then im fine. im talking it causes a full blown trauma response.

and im not just saying that to be quirky or edgy or different. its just the godawful honest truth. the actual physical sensations i feel in my body indicate my body going into fight-or-flight whenever I come across a gif or a clip of them about to disintegrate.

it literally happened to me earlier. I was scrolling through facebook reels and a clip popped up. it was the moment just before they were about to disappear- the finger kiss. and the exact second I saw them start to disintegrate, a literal panic switch flipped in my chest and it had to scroll away as fast as my fingers could move. bjt you cant just scroll away a full on trauma response.

this is what happens to me the second I see them start to disappear:

• adrenaline spike- my brain registers the visual of them evaporating as an immediate life threatening crisis. it triggers an instant fight or flight response

• my heart rate speeds up, pounding against my ribs so hard it makes my chest feel tight and painful

• my throat feels like it closes up and I find it harder to take a breath

• my hands start to slightly tremble. theyre still shaking now and i cant make them stop. its taking me ages to type this.

• my head feels with a thick heavy fog of dissociation. i lose the ability to concentrate on anything else. I couldnt concentrate on the next reel. I just felt comoletely disconnected.

• i feel high-strung, shaky, and on the verge of tears. like i am about to cry at any second. and sometimes I do burst into tears and its hard for me to stop once that happens and it feels physically painful.

the good omens finale is not just a "sad ending" to me. it didnt just make me cry. it didnt just make me depressed for a few days. it actively added to my real-world trauma and fear of abandonment and now it has become an intensely triggering thing for me.

ive loved aziraphale and crowley for six years. and when you have survived systemic trauma, childhood abuse, abusive relationships and relationships where you were constantly invalidated, minimised and abandoned, you learn to build a safe space wherever you can. for me, that safe space was aziraphale and crowley. they were my comfort, my obsession, my creative outlet. crowley was the reason i figured out who I was. aziraphale was the reason i felt safe to unmask. they were everything to me and the reason that I am even still here. theyve pulled me out more mental health crises than I can even count. they were the one constant that never left. even when i hyperfixated on other things, they were always there.

i always felt like adam in this scene. me in the middle and my angel and my demon on either side, protecting me.

and then the finale happened. and suddenly they werent there anymore. suddenly i watched them die. suddenly i watched them fucking choose to kill themselves.

these characters who taught me to keep surviving. who taught me i dont have to fit into a box other people put me in amd I cam be my own person. who taught me to keep going. who taught me to keep going despite my trauma. and now suddenly they choose annihilation. worse, crowley chooses it and aziraphale goes along with it. crowley, the very character i see myself in because of our struggles, chose to kill himself and destroy everything to give humans free will which they already fucking had now suddenly the message is "you will never be happy whilst traumatised so kill yourself to have a better chance!"

and now i have to live in a reality where my very comfort show now triggers me.

and maybe this is hard to understand for some people. because to a baseline brain, its just a devastating piece of television. but to a profoundly traumatised, hyper-vigilant nervous system, to someone with bpd which makes emotions feel like we have no skin and are always raw, to someone with intense fear of abandonment that affects all my relationships to the point I dont even currently have any because im so fuckin afraid, to someone with autism whos entire safety and way of emotional regulation was built around this show, to someone whos queer who felt represented by these characters, to someone whos struggled with SI and SH for most of my life and for which these characters became an escape;

watching them vanish like that? it didnt register as fiction. it didnt register as "just a tv show". it registered as a literal, catastrophic, physical loss. it mirrored every single real-world abandonment issues i have ever suffered. it took the one safe space in had left in this world and it completely bulldozed it. leveled it. destroyed it.

I am trying to build it back up with my bare hands. trying to salvage it. trying to ignore the glaring neon sign that hangs over my head screaming "THEYRE DEAD, THEYRE DEAD!" and im just trying to slowly build my safe house again by reading fanfiction and only watching season one. but its incredibly fucking difficult when you have no experience in construction and you have never had this happen to you before.

ive never been so destroyed by an ending to anything in my life! nothing has ever affected me in this way. not doctor who, not sherlock, not infinity war or endgame, not our flag means death and even when the final fifteen came out, yeah i was devastated but i was also heavily masking and dissociating all the time at that point so wasnt feeling the full scope of my emotions but honestly that was no where near as devastating as this was. that felt like a walk in the park compared to this and also i knew they would be making a season 3. I just didnt fucking expect it to be worse!

and this time theyre not making more. this is it. this is all we get. and its such a fucking huge betrayal and i feel so fucking traumatised by this.

and tbh I keep talking about my trauma and good omens 3 on this blog all the fucking time at the minute because the truth is i just...I dont know how to navigate this yet. I dont know how to make it safe again! I cant stop thinking about it. i cant stop writing about it. its just constantly running rampant in my head. everytime I think about my angel and my demon, the image of them turning to dust just flashes into my brain and then my chest gets tight again and I tear up and its so horrible! it makes me feel so unsafe now and i hate it because this was all i had left.

to tell the truth, the safe space was already crumbling, cracking because of my breakup. and i was trying to desperately to hold the pieces up still; to keep engaging with the fandom, keep reading the fanfic even if it hurt bc it reminded me of her. and i was managing okay. i was alright. but then the finale took a wrecking ball to it. stuck dynamite in the walls and blew it up. flattened it with a fucking bulldozer and now I have to completely start from scratch and get the new materials myself and build it back up. consume fanfiction and fanart and tumblr posts and write my own fanfiction. but that isnt fucking fair.

we shouldn't have to write a completely new ending for it ourselves. we should have had a happy ending for them. we should have had our safety still intact and we could have added onto our safe space rather than having it completely destroyed! it makes me feel so sick. because whilst I love the fix its and the art, it really isnt fair that thats now our responsibility to comfort ourselves when the truth is this ending should have done that for us. should have inspired completely new fics rather than ones that fix the ending. the ending shouldnt have been so bad that we felt betrayed by it enough to take matters into our own hands. and as much as I love the creativity its brought out in everyone, it still makes me sad that we couldnt have had a collective happy ending in canon that we can all appreciate and enjoy.

it still makes me sad that they took my only safe space and they turned it into a trigger and now whenever I look at aziraphale and crowley I just feel completely dejected and heartbroken.

I dont know how to live in this lonely apartment where even my comfort characters have now evaporated like everyone else in my life. they were supposed to stay. they were immortal. I never once considered this would ever happen to them. I never once considered death even as an option. im just so hurt. im exhausted. and im so fucking tired of being scared of the very things that used to save me.

and i promsie this is the last youll hear from me about this. I have to try and heal. I have to. i wont be taking a break from the fandom. like i said, im trying to keep my safe space. trying to build it back up and its getting there. I just desperately need to avoid anything s3 related from now on though. its painful realising you go into a physical trauma response to something you used to adore so much. dont get me wrong, i still adore it and i always will. I mean fuck, I recently made a whole good omens shrine in my flat because im an adult with free will (and the humans have always had free will thanks to crowley. fucking idiots. ending doesnt even make sense narratively) so i will always love this show and these characters. always.

but only the book and s1 is canon to me now. i do enjoy season 2 but its hard to watch now with the finale being out. which also makes me sad. this finale ruined everything man everything.

anyway. yeah. so dont worry im not going anywhere. im still gonna be here posting about whatever I feel like posting honestly. still loving aziraphale and crowley. I just guess i wanted to make this post to make people aware that for a lot of folks in this fandom, especially the queer, neurodivergent, mentally ill, traumatised ones like myself... this ending wasnt just sad. it was an extremely traumatising ending to a show that everyone had made into their safe space. and now we all have to build it back up on our own with bleeding fingers and heavy hearts. and thats fucking exhausting.

take care of yourselves. we will support eachother and make it the best damn safe haven we've ever had. itll take a while but we will be okay 🖤

to the world ✨️🥂

oh and a big fuck you to neil gaiman. hope you rot in hell but tbh, even hell is too good for you.