levi alex crowley @ineffableserpent - Tumblr Blog | Tumlook
levi alex crowley
@ineffableserpent
"I didnt mean to fall
I just hung around the wrong people"
a write. a lot. mainly about my good omens special interest, my love for crowley, my mental health recovery and anything in between. so be prepared to read
minors fuck off
eughhh messed up my sleeping schedule agsin m y head hurtdnn ivant stpp crying why wontbit stop hurtiggnggg rsgfghhh im tired d fuckin hurts hearts so broken broken its all fuckkedddm mso tired
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will i be shot if i say i think that one of the good omens tv show's biggest mistakes and the start of the writing downfall was retconning aziracrow to have met as angels
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I changed my profile picture to that gorgeous crowley smile we get when hes watching nina and maggie because I need some joy in my life and crowley is that joy and whilst I love angsty, pathetic, drunk, bottom-eyes crowley
(seriously he looks cute)
i also really, really love happy, loving, caring, silly, joyful, crowley too.
because both can exist. both sides are the same person.
i love every part of him. he is who he is not because of his trauma but because he grew from it. he has been alive for 6000 years i think he knows a thing or two about surviving. he is who he is because he doesnt care what other people think. he doesnt fit into any boxes. he keeps going despite it all, even when everything is falling apart, he gets back up and he manages to find happiness in every day life.
like a human couple falling in love
like a walk in the park with aziraphale
like a long drive in his car
like being in the bookshop
like feeding the ducks
like listening to music
I love all of crowley because he is not just his trauma. he is not just a demon. and he most certainly isnt a fucking angel.
he is honestly, just an ordinary fucking guy.
he is a good person. he is a menace. he is just a silly dude underneath all that snark, underneath those walls he puts up to protect himself, underneath the swagger. he cares about people. he cares about the humans and plants and animals and cars and music and he cares about aziraphale so incredibly much.
(sorry crowley, youre not fooling anyone)
hes literally just an ordinary guy with powers whos been through too much shit but he doesnt let that define him. he does his own thing. plays by his own rules. goes along with hell as far as he can and he looks damn good doing all of that too.
hes got style, charisma, sarcasm, a dont-fuck-with-me attitude, a deeply loving soul, a kind heart, a caring and soft side that he doesnt show often but when he does? oh. when he does...his eyes completely light up. when he lets his guard down. when aziraphale makes him laugh. you can tell he just loves him so much and feels so safe around him.
he is more than a demon. he is more than his trauma.
he is crowley. and crowley is beautiful.
crowley taught me its okay to be yourself. crowley taught me its okay to not fit in. its okay to care too much about things. its okay to be scared. its okay to be emotional. its okay to let yourself feel things. its okay to go against the rules. he taught me its okay to love whoever you want and not care what other people think. he taught me to survive. he taught me theres good moments in the darkness and that i will keep getting back up even when i feel like i cant. he taught me my trauma doesnt define me. he taught me to be strong. he taught me that you can have a rough past and still find happiness. that both things can exist.
and i just fucking admire and love him so much. so so much. I cant even describe it to you my chest feels like its gonna burst open.
(I am so emotional over him right now i love him so much dont touch me like hes so silly!!)
(and for the record. obviously I love aziraphale too. and I need to start posting about him more honestly. ive just got complete crowley brainrot 24/7)
Good Omens 3, Trauma and Why I Cant Just "Get Over It"
tw: talk of trauma responses, mental illness, childhood trauma, abandonment, mental health; and obviously character death/suicide
edit: pls forgive any mistakes I write on my phone and my fingers are dumb
okay i have one more post to make about the s3 finale and then im just going to choose to not interact with it at all or talk about it because its far too painful. so here goes.
good omens 3 genuinely triggers me.
and im not just talking it makes me cry for a bit then im fine. im talking it causes a full blown trauma response.
and im not just saying that to be quirky or edgy or different. its just the godawful honest truth. the actual physical sensations i feel in my body indicate my body going into fight-or-flight whenever I come across a gif or a clip of them about to disintegrate.
it literally happened to me earlier. I was scrolling through facebook reels and a clip popped up. it was the moment just before they were about to disappear- the finger kiss. and the exact second I saw them start to disintegrate, a literal panic switch flipped in my chest and it had to scroll away as fast as my fingers could move. bjt you cant just scroll away a full on trauma response.
this is what happens to me the second I see them start to disappear:
• adrenaline spike- my brain registers the visual of them evaporating as an immediate life threatening crisis. it triggers an instant fight or flight response
• my heart rate speeds up, pounding against my ribs so hard it makes my chest feel tight and painful
• my throat feels like it closes up and I find it harder to take a breath
• my hands start to slightly tremble. theyre still shaking now and i cant make them stop. its taking me ages to type this.
• my head feels with a thick heavy fog of dissociation. i lose the ability to concentrate on anything else. I couldnt concentrate on the next reel. I just felt comoletely disconnected.
• i feel high-strung, shaky, and on the verge of tears. like i am about to cry at any second. and sometimes I do burst into tears and its hard for me to stop once that happens and it feels physically painful.
the good omens finale is not just a "sad ending" to me. it didnt just make me cry. it didnt just make me depressed for a few days. it actively added to my real-world trauma and fear of abandonment and now it has become an intensely triggering thing for me.
ive loved aziraphale and crowley for six years. and when you have survived systemic trauma, childhood abuse, abusive relationships and relationships where you were constantly invalidated, minimised and abandoned, you learn to build a safe space wherever you can. for me, that safe space was aziraphale and crowley. they were my comfort, my obsession, my creative outlet. crowley was the reason i figured out who I was. aziraphale was the reason i felt safe to unmask. they were everything to me and the reason that I am even still here. theyve pulled me out more mental health crises than I can even count. they were the one constant that never left. even when i hyperfixated on other things, they were always there.
i always felt like adam in this scene. me in the middle and my angel and my demon on either side, protecting me.
and then the finale happened. and suddenly they werent there anymore. suddenly i watched them die. suddenly i watched them fucking choose to kill themselves.
these characters who taught me to keep surviving. who taught me i dont have to fit into a box other people put me in amd I cam be my own person. who taught me to keep going. who taught me to keep going despite my trauma. and now suddenly they choose annihilation. worse, crowley chooses it and aziraphale goes along with it. crowley, the very character i see myself in because of our struggles, chose to kill himself and destroy everything to give humans free will which they already fucking had now suddenly the message is "you will never be happy whilst traumatised so kill yourself to have a better chance!"
and now i have to live in a reality where my very comfort show now triggers me.
and maybe this is hard to understand for some people. because to a baseline brain, its just a devastating piece of television. but to a profoundly traumatised, hyper-vigilant nervous system, to someone with bpd which makes emotions feel like we have no skin and are always raw, to someone with intense fear of abandonment that affects all my relationships to the point I dont even currently have any because im so fuckin afraid, to someone with autism whos entire safety and way of emotional regulation was built around this show, to someone whos queer who felt represented by these characters, to someone whos struggled with SI and SH for most of my life and for which these characters became an escape;
watching them vanish like that? it didnt register as fiction. it didnt register as "just a tv show". it registered as a literal, catastrophic, physical loss. it mirrored every single real-world abandonment issues i have ever suffered. it took the one safe space in had left in this world and it completely bulldozed it. leveled it. destroyed it.
I am trying to build it back up with my bare hands. trying to salvage it. trying to ignore the glaring neon sign that hangs over my head screaming "THEYRE DEAD, THEYRE DEAD!" and im just trying to slowly build my safe house again by reading fanfiction and only watching season one. but its incredibly fucking difficult when you have no experience in construction and you have never had this happen to you before.
ive never been so destroyed by an ending to anything in my life! nothing has ever affected me in this way. not doctor who, not sherlock, not infinity war or endgame, not our flag means death and even when the final fifteen came out, yeah i was devastated but i was also heavily masking and dissociating all the time at that point so wasnt feeling the full scope of my emotions but honestly that was no where near as devastating as this was. that felt like a walk in the park compared to this and also i knew they would be making a season 3. I just didnt fucking expect it to be worse!
and this time theyre not making more. this is it. this is all we get. and its such a fucking huge betrayal and i feel so fucking traumatised by this.
and tbh I keep talking about my trauma and good omens 3 on this blog all the fucking time at the minute because the truth is i just...I dont know how to navigate this yet. I dont know how to make it safe again! I cant stop thinking about it. i cant stop writing about it. its just constantly running rampant in my head. everytime I think about my angel and my demon, the image of them turning to dust just flashes into my brain and then my chest gets tight again and I tear up and its so horrible! it makes me feel so unsafe now and i hate it because this was all i had left.
to tell the truth, the safe space was already crumbling, cracking because of my breakup. and i was trying to desperately to hold the pieces up still; to keep engaging with the fandom, keep reading the fanfic even if it hurt bc it reminded me of her. and i was managing okay. i was alright. but then the finale took a wrecking ball to it. stuck dynamite in the walls and blew it up. flattened it with a fucking bulldozer and now I have to completely start from scratch and get the new materials myself and build it back up. consume fanfiction and fanart and tumblr posts and write my own fanfiction. but that isnt fucking fair.
we shouldn't have to write a completely new ending for it ourselves. we should have had a happy ending for them. we should have had our safety still intact and we could have added onto our safe space rather than having it completely destroyed! it makes me feel so sick. because whilst I love the fix its and the art, it really isnt fair that thats now our responsibility to comfort ourselves when the truth is this ending should have done that for us. should have inspired completely new fics rather than ones that fix the ending. the ending shouldnt have been so bad that we felt betrayed by it enough to take matters into our own hands. and as much as I love the creativity its brought out in everyone, it still makes me sad that we couldnt have had a collective happy ending in canon that we can all appreciate and enjoy.
it still makes me sad that they took my only safe space and they turned it into a trigger and now whenever I look at aziraphale and crowley I just feel completely dejected and heartbroken.
I dont know how to live in this lonely apartment where even my comfort characters have now evaporated like everyone else in my life. they were supposed to stay. they were immortal. I never once considered this would ever happen to them. I never once considered death even as an option. im just so hurt. im exhausted. and im so fucking tired of being scared of the very things that used to save me.
and i promsie this is the last youll hear from me about this. I have to try and heal. I have to. i wont be taking a break from the fandom. like i said, im trying to keep my safe space. trying to build it back up and its getting there. I just desperately need to avoid anything s3 related from now on though. its painful realising you go into a physical trauma response to something you used to adore so much. dont get me wrong, i still adore it and i always will. I mean fuck, I recently made a whole good omens shrine in my flat because im an adult with free will (and the humans have always had free will thanks to crowley. fucking idiots. ending doesnt even make sense narratively) so i will always love this show and these characters. always.
but only the book and s1 is canon to me now. i do enjoy season 2 but its hard to watch now with the finale being out. which also makes me sad. this finale ruined everything man everything.
anyway. yeah. so dont worry im not going anywhere. im still gonna be here posting about whatever I feel like posting honestly. still loving aziraphale and crowley. I just guess i wanted to make this post to make people aware that for a lot of folks in this fandom, especially the queer, neurodivergent, mentally ill, traumatised ones like myself... this ending wasnt just sad. it was an extremely traumatising ending to a show that everyone had made into their safe space. and now we all have to build it back up on our own with bleeding fingers and heavy hearts. and thats fucking exhausting.
take care of yourselves. we will support eachother and make it the best damn safe haven we've ever had. itll take a while but we will be okay 🖤
to the world ✨️🥂
oh and a big fuck you to neil gaiman. hope you rot in hell but tbh, even hell is too good for you.
what happened to this being a fuckin comedy series?
fuck, something about them actually saying this out loud just...makes it hurt more. im not in denial. we saw it happen with our own eyes and not one day goes by where im not hit with an intense wave of grief whenever I think about it but just them saying this...fucking hell, man.
i cant stand it. I hate it. I want my safe space back. i know we have the fics and the fanart and im so grateful to this fandom and the support weve given eachother through our collective grief but...it still hurts.
s3 isnt canon to me but it is incredibly hard to ignore it when its the official ending for them. and i cant stand that feeling. that this is always gonna be hanging over our heads, something we will always remember. and not in a good way.
and tbh I really hope michael and david are alright. bc from the way they said these things, i dont think theyre happy with the ending either. its probably so painful for michael in particular :(
I hate that this happened to us. i hate that this happened to our comfort characters. I hate that michael and david had to act something so painful. i hate that they had no choice but to just...do the best they could with what they had. I hate the way everyones been so affected over this. I hate how its affected me, personally. I hate the fucking writers and I hate that cunt neil fucking gaiman most of all.
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regehfhhh why do I always feel like im gonna be told off!! I live alone!! why am I constantly so on edge feeling like someone's gonna burst in and yell at me!! or feeling like a friend's gonna message to tell me im a horrible person and then block me!! or feeling like ive paid a bill wrong and im gonna get in trouble!! what the fuck!!
recovery feels SO fucking shit man! bc now im aware of all these shit fucking triggers and symptoms after spending my entire life running away from it and its so SHIT.
likr for fucks sake!! im safe!! i live alone!! but when you spend 25 years in complete survival mode, your nervous system just...doesnt get the fucking memo. and i hateeee it bc its not my fault! people were just awful to me and now ive got to learn how to be a normal fucking person and its so HARD.
bloody fucking damn well sick of it!!
anyway. fuck.
im gonna rewatch once upon a time because I need smth comforting and familiar to occupy my brain bc i feel stuffed with cotton wool today erhegghh fuck fuck fucking fuck this grr
sorry i had to yell lmao im good tho. im vibing. im chilling. im so completely unbelievably chill :))
as a trans person who is not only incredibly obsessed with crowley and relates to him in every single way, but also as a trans person who rediscovered himself and came out the closet again because dressing up in crowley cosplay helped him to finally realise that, I cant thank good omens hq enough for making a crowley pin with trans wings!! 🏳️⚧️
i feel like im gonna start crying. if people are curious about my trans journey and how crowley ties into it, I made this post describing it and what it was like for me and why crowley in particular is so important to me.
im going to treasure this pin for the rest of my life, god I feel like this was made for ne personally lmfao ordered aziraphale pin too! happy pride month 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
(and yeh i know crowley is more nonbinary and genderfluid rep but that falls under the trans umbrella anyway lol and seeing him with trans wings healed something in me a little bit because of my connection to him and my identity. gah I just love it so much i had to buy it immediately 😭)
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ive cancelled my uni enrollment because I realised I am far too mentally ill to deal with this kind of commitment. even tho its a future I desperately want, I need to respect my limits and today was proof of the fact that I wouldnt be able to handle it. because even if it is 4 months from now and I may not be where I am today, I know I am just going to be anxious about starting the whole time, I am going to be overwhelmed and stressed and i wont be focused on my recovery, ill be focused on the fact im starting uni in a few months and that just- its just not sustainable on top of everything im fucking going through.
the decision to apply was a purely impulsive, desperate need for a future but the timing is just all wrong. I cant pour from an empty cup. im just gonna wait until next year and see how I feel. this year is just gonna be about my recovery and my mental health and slowly rebuilding myself. im gonna get a little part time job soon but I know for a fact thats all I can handle right now. anything else is just gonna send me spinning out.
honestly this might have been the most borderline thing I have ever done lmfao. the impulsivity really jumped out on this one. applying to a fucking uni course in the middle of a severe mental health crisis from a breakup, dealing with an eating disorder and addiction, undiagnosed autism, a severe mental illness, severe trauma, dealing with shitty mental health services and trying to advocate for myself so I finally get the right support and treatment and yeah...that was fucking insane work from me. great job, levi 💀
much as I wanna do that course, bc it sounds fucking amazing, I definitely cant do it at the moment and im glad I have realised this just in time during the cancellation period. quite lucky in that regard. can u imagine if id missed it? christ. I am trying not to be too hard on myself for doing something I thought was a good thing and just going for it but I cant lie and say this isnt a bit humiliating. because I just...want to make something of myself. I want to be someone. I just wanted to be able to do something for myself for once. but I physically cant. not yet anyway. and thats really hard to come to terms with and realise about yourself.
im not giving up btw. this isnt me giving up. its just me saying "not yet". timing isnt right. I need to sort out the mess in my head first before I can even consider studying. even if it was part time, even if it was all online and I could do it at home, its just too much. I was already overwhelmed before I even got the confirmation email that my application went through. I just cant right now. and I keep telling myself that its okay to not be ready like I thought I was. I was just desperate for something good to happen to me nfor once. desperate for some hope. some semblance of a future I could work towards. but its just too overwhelming now that the initial high has worn off and the reality has settled in some more.
anyway idk why im rambling about this. im sure no one gives a fuck about my bad decision making skills lmao. I cancelled uni because im a fucking mess is the gist of this post essentially lmfao thanks if u read this im going to bed 😃
^ me bc my life is on fire but im still gonna keep going 🖤✨️
just laid here under my weighted blanket with a heat pad and my spider-man blankie and my squishy seal plushie (his name is mr squishy and he is a menace) because I keep crying and it sucks and I feel shaky and weird.
and im realising that sometimes recovery is just...letting yourself feel and self soothing in whatever way you can. sometimes its just the little things you can do to bring yourself that little bit of comfort and peace. it doesn't have to be anything big. things like watching a comfort show or cuddling your favourite plushie if thats your thing or making yourself a cup of tea. it all counts towards your recovery.
(god. its crazy how much I post about this stuff now when looking back, the words "recovery" and "healing" used to make me cringe. I guess i didnt ever think i would recover properly. so I suppose I was trying to distance myself from it because that would make it real. and I knew id have to actually commit to doing it. terrifying fucking prospect honestly.
anyway. im rambling again. always doing that, me. can you tell?)
im far from okay. right now im just trying to breathe and honestly all i can even do right now is simply...exist. sometimes thats just fine. sometimes you just dont have the energy to do anything else.
its all part of recovery. you gotta take care of you first and foremost. 🖤
hopefully tomorrow is better for me. today was bad but im gonna keep soldiering on, one fucking day at a time.
hope everyone has a great weekend 🖤✨️
(i love this gif. honestly part of my self soothing routine is watching anything with david tennant in because hes a massjve comfort to me. so thankyou for existing david. and thankyou to the wardrobe team for putting you in this outfit and blessing my eyes. I think about it every single day. those tight jeans and that gold waistcoat and the red hair with white streaks just....yes. all of it. yes please. #need that. mhm)
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