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I had sex before marriage (not going to hell for it)

I fancy women and men and non binaries (not going to hell for it)

I had an abortion (not going to hell for it)

I’ve got tattoos and piercings (not going to hell for it)

I swear like a fucking whore (not going to hell for it)

I don’t believe any of it anymore (not going to hell for it)

I can do whatever I want (not going to hell for it)

And then everything slips away

It’s a struggle everyday

What’s real

And what was a lie that was told to you

I was a kid being fed with so many lies

You have to question everything you once knew

And you feel guilt for things you shouldn’t

Like wringing god with a lower case g

I used to think that was a sin on its own

I know some things I was taught probably are true

So how do I hold onto the truth without the lies

I go so far away from it all now I’m lost

What do I believe in

I used to cry every night praying god would save me

Hoping he’d hear me and help me

I didn’t know what I was doing wrong

Then everything starts to click

and you realise all the things people told you

All the things they said were right and wrong

Lies

The “you’ll burn in hell for this”

No

I don’t believe that anymore

There is no hell

There is no heaven

There is now and that is it

I think I went into this hoping I’d find them

But you can’t just place your life in someone else’s hands

I thought you could fix me

I thought someone else could fix me

Anyone but myself

But I’m the only person who can

Because if I can’t be bothered to help myself

No one is going to be able to help me

The only person who can you from yourself is you

But I’m not strong

I’m weak

and I’m mean

and angry

How do I fight myself without breaking myself

I take it out on him

Because he’s closest to me

I don’t want to admit that I’m just angry at myself

I push him away

I don’t know why

Because I always want him close to me

I don’t understand my brain

And I get mad when I can’t explain why I’m sad

Can’t explain how I feel

I don’t know what I feel

You make me feel safe

You understand me when no one else can

You get on with my family

You make me laugh

You keep me alive

I want to see us happy

I want to love you like you love me

You’re everything to me

I find it hard letting you in at times

I’ve built walls so high

Over the years I’ve learnt not to rely on anyone

Not to trust anyone

Any little thing that doesn’t feel right

or anything you say I don’t like

makes me build my walls up again

I don’t like being contained

I need constant change

I need things to look forward to

Recently I’ve been stuck in my depressive brain

You’ve seen me in my crazy manic brain too

And sometimes you’ve seen the rare glimpse of me as my true self

the person stuck in between

I don’t want to hurt you but I feel like that’s all I do lately

I’m trying to level myself out

I want to show you love like how you love me

I can hardly ever think clearly

But I know you’re my whole life

You’re all I want

i want you to be enough for me

And with each day my heart breaks a little more

I blame myself for everything

He was lonely

How many more hours until I can move

I want to see something new

I want to feel the wind in my hair again

The sun on my skin again

One more hour and then they say it’ll be three

By that time you realise you won’t feel again

White walls surround you

And the silence is deafening

Your mind is spinning

Head is racing

Your heart pounds faster and faster

Fear, stress, anxiety

Everywhere you look is a sign

telling you things you don’t want to know

It’s too hot

You can’t breathe

Your palms are sweaty

You feel like the walls are closing in

Why won’t it stop

Make it stop

Am I being swept away in this massive wave

Do I really want to be with you forever

Because I want to have someone by my side

But is that you?

I’m meant to become your wife soon

But my head is so fucked up

I don’t know what are MY thoughts anymore

All this medication and my hormones fucked

I think there’s a piece of me that hates you for this

I know it’s two sided

But it’s easier to place the blame on someone else

I know I love you

It’s almost like you never existed

I miss you so badly

It’s like I’ve made it all up in my head

You always wonder why I’m looking sad

And it made me miss you more

Those sad songs that used to make me cry

Hit even harder now

They hit harder when you’re not around

And all I want to do is wrap my arms around you

Pull you close and kiss you

I think about what could’ve been all the time

But I know the choices I made were right

I know we couldn’t have lived any other way

And now every one asks me how I am everyday

It’s getting too much

I’m okay when I’m not thinking about it

I’m okay until you question if I’m okay

Let me please try and live today

I don’t want to just survive it