(in)correct tolkien quotes

You have to talk to real, living, breathing people here. No, I’m not calling you “Bloodstained”, what are you, seventy-five?

What good is disappearing into thin air if I can’t use it as a ‘fuck you’ to all the people I was too nice to say ‘fuck you’ to before?

Let me get this straight. I defeated a minor god and you’re hassling me over a parking ticket?

Stop worrying, Gandalf. He didn’t make me sign a contract. I’m not even an adult yet. This can’t be legally binding, can it?

I didn’t send Glorfindel because he glows when he gets mad. Do you think you can manage to be a little less conspicuous than that?

I’m gonna have to put you on hold, I need to throw some fireballs at a wolf pack.

Welcome to Quenya, where the homophones are artificially created and it just takes one rude motherfucker to create a whole new dialect.

Welcome to the family. We argue with gods, we commit murder, and we have strong opinions on property law.

So I stuck my head in the door and I swear he was trying to artificially manufacture a star or something, and I was weirded out, you know? And I said “uh, what are you working on?” because I couldn’t think of what the fuck else to say while I’m staring at this gleaming ring of light hanging in the fucking air over his desk, and he kind of looks at me funny and says “trying to stop the heat death of the universe”, and he’s completely fucking serious. Totally deadpan. And all of a sudden I remembered who his grandfather was and long story short, Celebrimbor might be nice but that doesn’t make him less Fëanorian.

Everybody tells me shit like ‘be nice, Lúthien,’ ‘be ladylike, Lúthien,’ ‘have some common sense, Lúthien.’ No! Give me back my fucking boyfriend or I will rip your hair off with your head still attached!

If anybody tells you I got picked because of my easygoing nature they’re bullshitting you. I got sent to Middle-Earth because I’m the only Maia of Nienna who believes in smacking people on the head when they’re being stupid, and I regret nothing.

I mean, for me personally it’s emblematic of hubris and misplaced trust and misguided loyalty? But I’ve definitely outgrown those flaws. So yeah, let’s slap it on there.

“Outlaw” is an aesthetic that’s basically irresistible to the Sindar. I don’t know what it is about living rough but it ups your hotness factor by a good two hundred percent.

Don’t worry, I’m only reckless when I forget to be responsible!

Repeat after me: “men suck, marriage sucks, and the Sea can kiss my ass”.

Um. Remember how your last words to me were “Don’t fuck with a dragon, it’s not worth it, whatever you do, don’t fuck with a dragon”?