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Interviewer: Are you two married?

Scott: No, we’re en-gay-ged!

Mitch: Can I get an early divorce?

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Kirstie: I can’t believe you and Scott broke the bed. You two must get so wild.

Mitch: Haha yeah...

*the night before*

Scott: I bet you can’t jump high enough to touch the ceiling.

Mitch: How do tall people like you actually sleep at night when the blanket can't possibly cover you from your shoulders to your toes?

Scott: Mitch, it's 4 o'clock in the fucking morning.

Mitch: So, you can't sleep, huh?

Scott:

Mitch: ... Is it because of the blanket?

Scott: It's cool if not everyone thinks my husband is attractive. They're wrong and can go straight to hell, but it's cool.

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Mitch: I need some space.

Scott: You're breaking up with me???

Mitch: We're not dating and OF COURSE I NEED SOME SPACE, YOU'RE TAKING UP ALL THE COUCH I'M LITERALLY SQUISHED.

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Mitch: *yawns*

Scott: Yeah, being pretty must be tiring.

Mitch: Then you must feel refreshed.

Scott:

Scott: First of all-

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Scott: Would you date a woman that's taller than you?

Mitch: No.

Scott: That's kinda shallow.

Mitch: I'm gay, Scott.

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Mitch: Compliment me.

Scott: Uh... You have eyes.

Mitch:

Mitch: I'll take it.

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Mitch: *walks into a shop*

Mitch: Hi, i'd like him to be six foot at least, hairy of course, strong but can also be chubby, big di–

Build-a-bear employee: SIR I think you have the wrong idea about what we do here.

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Mitch: Life is one big yeehaw and then you die.

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Scott: How did I know it would work?

Scott: I didn't.

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Scott: What are we doing?

Mitch: Wasting our lives.

Scott: I meant for lunch.

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Scott: *lays seductively on table*

Scott: Hey there– *table creaks*

Scott: Oh sh– *table breaks*

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Mitch: Who the fuck are you?

Scott: Who the fuck are YOU?!

Mitch: I asked you first.

Scott: I asked you second.

Mitch: I'm so gay.

Kirstie: Are you looking at pictures of Scott again?

Mitch: ... Maybe.

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Scott: The fact that i'm considered an adult is both terrifying and hilarious.

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