Jason: How do you like your coffee?
Liz: Alone.

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@incorrect-dark-shadows
Jason: How do you like your coffee?
Liz: Alone.

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special meme edition 2/2
special meme edition 1/2
Stokes: Elizabeth! May I do a tarot reading for you?
Liz: Of course!
Stokes, laying down cards: Alright, this one tells me you're a lovely and darling woman, this one says your smile is heavenly, and-
Liz: These aren’t even tarot cards, these just pictures of me.
Barnabas: Why are you wearing glasses?
Willie: (takes off glasses) Uh, um, reading.
Barnabas: Reading?
Willie: Mmhmm.
Barnabas: ...
Willie: ...
Barnabas: I didn't know you could read.

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David: But Aunt Elizabeth, I don’t believe in Santa.
Liz: -GASP-
Liz: Wait. Ghosts, werewolves, and vampires, but Santa Claus is where you draw the line?!
Barnabas: It’s not natural for a woman to fight.
Magda: It’s not natural for a man to be as stupid as he is tall, and yet here you stand.
Prof. Stokes: How many kids do you have? Elizabeth: Biologically, emotionally, or legally?
David: (to Willie) What’s Willie short for?
Barnabas: Don’t be rude, he was just born that way.
Burke: I have business connections in London, I travel there a lot. What part of England are you from?
Barnabas: Oh, uh, here and there, all over, really.
Burke: Accent's a little kind of... muddled.
Barnabas: (pleasantly) Really? So is your tan.

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Quentin, after briefly dying and turning into a zombie: I learned some very important lessons from all this.
Barnabas: I’m guessing they’re all horrible distortions on the actual lessons you should’ve taken away.
Quentin: Death isn’t real and I’m basically God.
Chris: My curse has left me a sad and lonely man.
(knocking on the door)
Chris: (opens the door and sees Barnabas) Who are you?
Barnabas: I’m the sad and lonely man your curse has left you.
Willie: You know I didn’t do it. The police will figure it out.
Barnabas: In case you haven’t noticed, the police of Collinsport are deeply stupid.
oh shit i have submissions
Roger: Hello, I’m looking for a man with dark grey hair, green eyes, and a little mustache? A specific one, mind you, I didn’t just wake up this morning with a craving.

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Willie: (angrily) Barnabas, you’re asking to hear something I don’t wanna say. But if I do say it, I think you oughta hear it!
Barnabas: If you have something on your chest, besides that grease stain, you’d better get it off.
Willie (shouting): Alright then! You asked for it! You’re a WONDERFUL guy, Barnabas! You’ve done everything for me. If it weren’t for you, I don’t know what woulda happened to me. You took me in here, you gave me a place to live, you gave me something to live for! I’m never gonna forget you for that, Barnabas. You’re tops with me!
Barnabas:
Willie:
Barnabas:
Barnabas: If I’ve just been told off, I think I may have missed it.
Willie: It’s coming.
suggested by sights- uh, that is, by anonymous