Simon: Listen, I need your help.
Baz: Who are we killing? I wonāt do kids, as a rule.
Baz: I will make an exception if the kids a dick.
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@incorrect-carryon-quotes
Simon: Listen, I need your help.
Baz: Who are we killing? I wonāt do kids, as a rule.
Baz: I will make an exception if the kids a dick.

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Simon: You know what would be sexy? Eating food off of each other.
Baz: You didnāt do the dishes.
Simon: Yeah no I didnāt.
Simon: Must be hard not being able to laugh.
Baz: I do have a sense of humour, you know.
Simon: Iāve never heard you laugh.
Baz: Iāve never heard you say anything funny.
Nico: Iām a reverse necromancer.
Ebb: Isn't that just killing people?
Nico: Ah, technicalities.
Simon: Sometimes ābrbā stands for ābe ready bitchā so you have to be careful.

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Baz: I've been dead inside a long time, but even I have a limit.
Simon: *Is ill with a cold*
Baz: Snow, I love you more than life itself, but if I have to listen to you cough all night, I'm actually going to kill you.
Agatha: It's very important that I am both cute and powerful.
Penny: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your pain?
Baz: Pi.
Penny: Pi?
Baz: Low level but never ending.
Penny:
Penny: Are you okay?
Baz: *speaking french*
Simon: I know, I know.
Penny: You speak french?
Simon: No, I just know the phrase āthis is all your faultā in every language Baz speaks.

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Penny: How was the honeymoon?
Simon: Baz got drunk and tried to burn our marriage certificate.
Simon: He said: āGood luck trying to return me without the recieptā.
Simon: On a scale from one to ten, how bad do you think it would be if-
Baz: At least twenty.
Simon: Thatās⦠not a stress ball.
Baz: *choking someone* Just let me process, okay?
Simon: So, Baz, how are you enjoying the carnival?
Baz: *holding a minion* I won this ugly yellow toddler. It's one of the most beautiful things Iāve ever seen.
Simon: You know how sometimes thereāll be a pack of coyotes that are feasting on a rabbit, and thereās always one small runt of a coyote thatās being kept from the meal?
Penny: Yes.
Simon: Iām like the rabbit.

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Simon and Baz: *kiss*
Agatha: Ew.
Penny:
Penny: youāre literally gay-
Baz: Iām not the jealous type...
Simon: You punched someone?
Baz: He was holding your hand.
Simon:
Simon: It was a handshake...