Official Mom Friend

girl is that a knife in your hand or are you jerking off your sharp detachable penis in my stomach

"get a degree" "get a job" there are snoopy images in my phone

my cherios spelled out my exact address this morning but like what the gudge ever i gobbled those honey nut freaks up and licked the bowl too

atheist quarterback throws a hail darwin

agnostic quarterback throws a hail maybe

johnny cash's little brother jimmy pennies is 3 inches tall and has a voice only dogs can hear

really love keeping up with my mutuals through their little tags and vent posts. getting updates on how they’re doing is something like: glad to know your job at the library is going well. i’m sorry you haven’t gotten that raise. glad your finals went well. i’m sorry your teacher is so unhelpful. glad your tv show got renewed. i’m sorry they killed your favorite character. glad that you scored tickets to see your favorite artist. i’m sorry they aren’t touring near you at all. glad your cat is doing well. i’m sorry your mom is sick again. glad you’re feeling better now that it’s your favorite season. i’m sorry your meds aren’t working. glad you’re married now. i’m sorry you have to step back for your mental health. glad you’re still here. i’m sorry life is so hard. glad you’re alive, i hope things get easier for you soon

love the word fruitless. arguing with you is like if there was no apples involved whatsoever

you're bountiless you stupid bitch

Understanding that there is no objectively good art has many benefits, but a favorite of mine is being granted the ability to see that you hate corporate memphis for the same reason people hated fruitiger aero ten years ago, and that people will like corporate memphis ten years from now for the same reason you like fruitiger aero now: because it's the opposite of the thing that's in popular use right now, and reminds you of being ten years younger

Women with big curly red hair always have like 12 gay guy friends why is that