star

my worst trait had always been my love expression. touch makes me feel secure—it's something I've lacked catastrophically since childhood. i didn't know hugs, i didn't know proud hair ruffling, i didn't know hands that touch you with the intent of appreciation instead of punishment until I've gotten my first ever access to the internet through the old family laptop and started thinking about what the cartoons showed. so I began searching for that security in others. but I never found it, because everyone around me turned out to be averse to touch. I saw them do it with others—hug, pat, be close with—but never with me. and so instead of solely searching for said security, I started wondering what was my problem. why them, but never me? why do they all have someone closest to them, someone who likes being with them, a friend that wouldn't dip as soon as someone better shows up? maybe, it was because I asked for it. because I asked to hold their hand before public speaking, since I was terrified. they looked at me with disgust, only one person reluctantly allowed me to hold their hand, and I understand why. I understand why to them it means something inherently different, I'm glad they must've been raised differently. overall, this lead me to oversee my own needs and neglect them—having nobody to turn to for the only thing that really makes me feel better had made me numb and averse to the pleasant feeling of being touched. now it all feels fake and dull, and the only reason for it is my refusal to believe people would actually touch me without having have to make them feel pity, disappointment or obligation. i really don't know what to do anymore, I'd just wish people liked me the way they like their friends. goodnight

haven't been feeling well. or "feeling", for the matter. most things feel shameful and pointless, supposedly fulfilling activities leave me dejected. life seems to hold nothing for me except disappointment and acceptance of settlement. but I've passed my exams, which is cool!

I'm just drifting through life again. have been significantly more tired lately. and also keep randomly falling asleep without meaning to. I'm honestly not sure what's actually happening around me

I'm so tired I'm sontured I'm so fucking tired why can i never relax emotionally why do i always have to do everything I'm going to fucking kill myself I hate myself i should just stop showing myself i hate this