Inbox of Woe

Shitty Openers: Nature GIF Edition

*tosses all okcupid messages into nearest forest*

Yaaaaay.

Shitty Openers: Nature Edition!

No, but I do believe you are wearing a fucking fedora, m’lady.

TAKE A GUESS, FUCKO

SO... I have new filing cabinets full of these bad boys, but thought I’d kickoff my return by sharing some my favorite un-posted gems. Here’s Casual Hawaii. He has a plane to catch.

I bet you are, buddy. I bet you’re very curious about it. Well today’s your lucky day! I’m going to tell you my secret... I’m SUPER pervert ;)

And for a change of pace, here’s how I deal with stupid questions on Tinder.

Usually it just *feels* like a robot is behind all these shitty messages, but this time I’m pretty sure it actually was a robot. A really shitty robot.

(Yes. But only if I can call you Ask Jeeves, and we never have to go on a date.)

how did you get past the firewall your parents set up on the family computer in the living room to send me this message

-_-_->> JET FUEL CAN’T MELT STEEL OKCUPID MESSAGES. <<-_-_-

P.S. Bro, you’re 30. You’re too old for this shit. Allllll of this shit. You can’t undo that airbrush-stencil-bar-mitzvah-lookin-ass tattoo, but you can put on a shirt and use your big boy words. 

Instead of the usual “that escalated quickly!” this is more of a “that started benign, then got a little repetitive and slightly desperate but kind of endearing, then escalated out of nowhere 3 months later into a bizarre multi-chapter pseudo-poetic daydream.”

There is no hope. There are only men asking if they are “physically hot at all.”

But *I* wanted the house on Mars! I hate cleaning up dragon shits.