indefinitive

once i can read beyond that i will know something is up, 

something is wrong - something isnt where it is supposed to be 

the whole stretch of 2022 i know something is up and i cant read into that yet

maybe because you were hiding or you stopped looking at me 

for me to look back and read into whatever it is that you are hiding, 

when you have gone to the province of April 2022 for more than a week the entire time you were there, my guts tell me something - and i never paid attention to it just because you said nothing is wrong so i learn not to trust my own intuition - 

my guts has proven me right all along, you gaslighted me into thinking that im making this all up, that i dont have to act a certain way just because there are things that are thing that are going up against my beliefs, my plans and the way i think 

i shouldve listened to my intuition more, it wasnt just a whisper it was loud enough for me to tremble yet i ignored it the entire time

i know from that month i was certain i just cant point it out yet 

i know 

nearing the last few months of the year of 2022, and a few more sleepovers at your house it felt like a puzzle piece, its a labyrinth i dont know how to get out im lost definitely  -

 i had epiphanies of having to get out of your house in the middle of the night, or sneaking up on your computer and seeing things i shouldnt have or maybe able to check on that iPad when i knew whats on your Procreate drafts 

and if i got stronger because the person i love the most betrayed me or my perspective in life and love got screwed over because once upon a time i believed,

must i be grateful for having to go through that pain because i know theres blessing in the breaking,

all i have here are the remnants of everyone i met and held so dearly even the past versions of myself that i thought would be around for a very long time

clearly im wrong

i have to go :)

ive been thinking abt the things id like to say when we finally meet again and

i know thats not going to happen any time soon haha

id like to tell you abt my misadventures and all the people ive dealt with after which youve left id like to tell you where ive been and whats going on with me

it was April 2018 and all i know is i couldnt get you off my mind

like you have occupied my mind so much i just want to be near you all the time

i wasnt looking for anything serious it just that i have never felt this pull toward any person that isnt you

and you made that happened

so its my birthday and you happen to be laying beside me

i swear i didnt drink heavy that night

but why are you looking at me like that

why did you looked me in the eye

why did you held my face

i think thats my queue and thats my fault

for some reason i know you wanted me too and it made me feel happy and confused and all the flutters

it was in tagaytay and its my 24th happy birthday i know you carried my bags for me and its just the two of us alone

i havent told you that i wish we didnt have to see our friends that day it felt so nice to be around you like an embrace like whatever i do i will not be in danger because you are there it felt like for a long time that i just made it seem like im eternally annoyed at you

roll my eyes, bite you, pinch you whatever

i know its my birthday that day tho i havent told you i wanted to be alone with you and not go in the pool but all i know what we did the night before was a blur i dont know how to speak on it

i know that day i wont be able to forget you i know my heart wont because when we parted ways that day at Taft i wish i get to hop on another bus ride home with you but i went home by myself

and for some stroke of unfortunate events we stopped talking nothing from you nothing ever filled my mind but that just one night and thats my birthday i think im done with manifesting i think this is wrong i think this is not good for me

im not sure anymore but all i know is that im floating my soul left my body somehow i was looking for answers i am merely astral projecting i was looking for you

i thought to myself that same year in 2018 if it doesnt work in December then i should forget you forget about you forget you for the rest of my life

i am not sure why i am retelling this memory again it feels like i cant dodge my thoughts and have to dump it somewhere

we became a thing before the year ends right all is right in the world it kind of felt like that somehow everything was nice everything was clear

sadly that old me died along with you leaving me

i am not the same person anymore

i became everything and nothing all at once

i am too much and not enough

i am too loud and too quiet

i became everything you ever think i was by that however you define it im not bothered anymore

i am meant to experience this wasnt i?

i havent forgotten

i will never be able to

i cant forgive you

that was really unfair

im not sure i can

i dont know how

i know you died

and so am i

you dont know how many funerals i held for you

i know you died i swear you died

above anything else

i think its my fault for kissing you on my 24th this wouldnt have happened and we could be friends

but we can never be friends now, we cant be

its been 2 grieving years from 2022

the traces of you are fading i am glad that it is

please dont reappear in my dreams so often

please dont visit me in my dreams

it leaves a hole in my chest everytime i wake up

ill never get used to it

i dont know how many more goodbyes i have in me

but goodbye

im just really really really disappointed at this point

just really sad and disappointed

the scar you left after striking and twisting the knife at my back still aches from time to time

whatever that it maybe - seeing you at Komiket gave me the biggest ick to have ever existed

it makes me want to regret you louder than i ever did last year

you make me want to unknow you and all the things that intertwined to set loose and disappear forever

my God you are so out of my life this is the free-est ive ever been

away from you

away from the thoughts that this is all my fault when it was yours all along

away from all the shackles that i might be messing up every step i take when it was your footsteps that made the concrete were walking on crumble

away from doubting myself and being on guard for every little thing that you will do

i cannot for the life of me make another connection in this whole lifetime that i have to know someone with ulterior motives my God

truth is scary isnt it

the truth will reveal things about yourself

and for someone like you

you, i may still feel indignant about you, but you oh God you, i really hope life fucks you over when you think you thought you had everything you ever want, the career, the boyfriend my God what a disgrace, the community you longingly wished for and all the comfort in the world you taurus you, i hope karma do its job when you feel on top of the world

i will be there and my friends, and everyone you fooled and we will sip and toast to mimosas - but come on like i know you wont get away with this, i know you know that

did my red hair caught your eye i know it did how could anyone miss that

even James didnt

gross that son of a bitch

fucking piece of trash that guy

but you know what happens to anyone with a red hair right you know it i know you know it

i may not have looked at you directly because i will not look at anything ugly but oh wow your gesture in my peripheral vision that tells a lot about you, less of me

but oh wow

i would love to do that again just for you to shit bricks

im happy supporting other artist’s as they resonate with me

ill also be around still proudly doing so

no one can stop me not even you, who are you

fucking asshole,

you knew i was going to wake up at 4am of February 1

and it mustve been a nice detail that somehow you think i would you know

do the thing that you want me to,

to forgive you

what is it now?

someday? you really hoped so?

someday now is it

i hope that someday never comes

matter of fact, ever since that day

i knew i would never learn how to forgive people

as untrusting and cynical as i was, i became much more than that

you amplified every thing that i was trying to let go off

because of you

arent you proud of that

you must be proud of that

bet you worked hard for it

i recall everything and i still do, every little thing echoes in my head

every little thing and i am not exaggerating i hope i was

as i am reading this apology for a million times now to somehow trick my brain that you were really sorry for all the things you did

God my heart cant

i know i only deserved this public apology for you to save face because if you really were

this wouldnt have happened two times and fuck yourself in the ass for trying to stick your issues with me when it is you all along

it is you all along

it has been you

for whatever that is in your head, for whatever lame reason you got there it is you and your  bullshit

i hope you meet your own self someday

i hope they treat you the way you did with me

and much worse

i hope you meet who you think is the love of your life and fuck you over and actually make you believe you were so close to being crazy

i hope you meet yourself soon

fuck !!!!!

it is not like i never stop dancing around this but oh wow its a fucking year and it took you soooo long to admit this to yourself

i shouldve never trusted you

what does it mean to me

i have never been disappointed like this my whole life,

im just in my late 20s and its just tiring to think about what i went thru the past few years

to forgive what does it mean

what does it fucking mean

they say that i must be the bigger person and be able to hold the mental ability to withold any adversary that would take a jab on my peace

i am not the bigger person, ive been there, my soul doesnt sit well with it

i fully realized that people will do whatever they want to

regardless of who you are in their lives, none of that will matter when selfishness comes in between

i have dealt with this thing before and it didnt end well

so im here sitting in contempt,

thinking of all the ways you could apologize to me

but what does an apology mean to me

would an apology mean anything more than the things you did

would that somehow dampen the scorching burns i have

if an apology means climbing a steep treacherous mountain

then would i be able to forgive

i dont know

im afraid i wouldnt

i think im not capable of forgiving

especially when you broke the only thing that i tried to build around you,

my trust

nevermind my heart

nevermind my feelings

the sleepless nights

and the waking days crying in the bathroom

i know the pain will go away

eventually

but my trust

such a big word

oh God

my trust encompasses my forgiveness

and you dont have both

you will not have access to any of that, ever

even if that means climbing a steep treacherous mountain

even if that means making everything right

even if that means you dying and me watching you bleed

so

what does forgiveness means to me

does it mean peace

does it mean stability in certain aspects of my life

does it mean letting go

does it mean accepting of what happened

i dont know

i dont even want to

i will be a reminder to everyone who wronged me that even if time takes its time

the the things you did will haunt you, every time

especially you,

i hope you see my face everywhere i hope you see my face all the time and be reminded

i wont be able to forgive all the things you did

i know i died

i was in complete disbelief

my stomach was tied into knots

my throat was so dry

and i could barely breath

i died i know i died

my heart was ripped into pieces maybe not maybe into a thousand more

what do you say about gut feels? they are true

listen to it trust it when you cant trust anyone else

believe in it

i know i did but it was when i know things are about to end for me

since then

everything i know about love

to the people i trust

to the same person i tried to make a future with

mustve i started discussing the intricacy of those delicate nights you try to be just a little more intimatw with them

because i owe that to them

you share a piece of you,

broken, crumbled i dont know what better words to put it but it cant exist anymore

i know what i was getting into

i just tried to be a little more brave today last year

yet its my death whom i am facing, i wasnt looking for any signs but i know its near

i have never seen myself give up helplessly so fast so vulnerable like that

i will never let anyone know me like that, again

no one will ever do

my birthdays are only when i religiously watch Frozen for the past ten years

it became a tradition so hard to knock off because i believe i became frozen

i have been talking about it for as long as i can remember 

its been ten years now and i thought my love thawed out the walls i built for, u

unfortunately, i had to build it again from people like you,

people like you screams danger into my soul

i cannot deal with it 

not because i dont want to but because of all the things i can do if i deal with it

tragic 

just like how everything went

so

here i am,

made to believe i actually am frozen 

its been 10 years and i havent forgotten since

every flaw i have is because i am frozen inside 

everything i cant control is yet a hurdle to me because i became the monster i think i am

i maybe am frozen

just looking for a way out, to be thawed out, that to learn there are some things worth melting for

frozen has thought me all the things i know about myself, i can learn to let go if i cant control it,

to control my emotions are detrimental to me and the people around me,

my frozen self is not my best self, 

and i know how lonely it is being one because i think i went frozen for some time, for a long time, 

my life would simply be, a complete mystery if i wasnt able to capture the essence of this film 

it isnt about the characters in it, but on the subtle metaphors of what this film holds, i swear to you i know it 

but you werent listening when i told you this on our way to Tomas Morato and were just walking along Timog on that December night i fear, i really thought its much of thing to discuss sitting down that to be blurted out in the open i realized that now 

i know Frozen will be there for me, thru my trying times, thru my hardest, me struggling, me the happiest with the people i love, and you, you have seen it!!!!!! i know you wont forget that happens every April 9th -  and as i try to regain myself from all these, the ugly, you will see 

you will see

hi

i have been dreading for this day to come

i know what happened this day last year and the rest was a blur and the rest are all part of the history, tragedy because everything was in a mess, total mess

i remember waking up going to work then buying you all the things you want because you said you cant eat

so i hastily went to your house without a doubt

without a single drop of fear in my heart i know i can make it right

i have been always

always been brave, somehow

i also didnt noticed how my heart was breaking that night

with all the things you said

and all the things i said, i couldve said and i shouldve said

everything was sad its not like i didnt love you from all of these years

i didnt knew it then but i knew how there was missing fragments of information to patch up whats supposed to be, fixable

but i understand it now

im writing this in the hopes of someday one day what happened today, last year would make sense

i get it now it has to be ugly it needs to, i has to at some point

and you did what you did

you made me believe all the lies you made

with James

with your friends

and everything else in between

my November 22s are memorable

five years ago we decided to finally test the waters

ill never forget that day

of meeting you in your denim jacket

me drenched in black

were you able to remember the first movie we ever watched? its Wreck it Ralph,

do you remember the first thing you said from March 9, that you cant be Fix it Felix because theres nothing else you could do -

(how did i remember that so easily

i guess i paid more attention to the subtle details than you did

right, it has gone full circle)

which you didnt pay much attention to

i was thinking you could be the one i could spend the rest of my life with you and if this is how its going to be ill be fine because i know you

i know you

but now i dont anymore

you died

you died in my head

you died MJ

you died

everything you ever said you are, gone

you died

every little possible thing to make myself believe you are not who i thought you are, gone - you are dead

there is another universe that you could possibly be all the good things you said you were, but this time you are not

you are a fraud, you lied

you

lied

paradoxical

i really have to turn this back around again

its a November 22 and i remember too much

i remember everything

im on my own now

im doing fine

its been great without you

without the fear of having you close and losing you

without the fear of having to perform on a certain level because you would not love me enough

without the fear of watering down my roots because i cant be me anymore, sadly

and that version of me is unloveable - insufferable,

who wouldve thought

its a 22

how did all of my 22s became so memorable to me

i guess

things like these are meant to happen to me

i guess

for the good if it all - i hope

i gtg

it isnt nice for me to walk backwards

i cant find it in my heart to look for the best parts of you

i cant even think about you and remember every little thing youve ever done to me, for me without thinking how you lied and betrayed me

the best parts of you died

even mine did

i know mine did

i can feel it in my bones

i can feel it when i look at the things we used to like

sometimes having the heart to hold any resemblance of you aches, i couldve gone to hell and back, run my mouth drag your name through the mud and do it all over again until I DONT KNOW WHEN UNTIL I GET TIRED UNTIL I GET TIRED!!!111!!!

but i dont know how to do that anymore,

will it ever stop

will i ever stop

i dont know how to stop 

i dont know how to stop

ive made it to a point that when it keeps hurting im going to repeatedly beat the hell out of it until it doesnt anymore

and i dont know how long would i be able to keep up with it

another lifetime

a few more years yearning, wasting, thinking for the wrong person

i guess it has been me all along

my epiphanies about you never falter

just like how im writing this to you, again

along the lines of me writing to you, you were smitten at every note i have of you when its all disgustingly happy

but when i made that suspiciously cryptic rant back in 2020 i guess you almost didnt make it to the shore from my treacherous waters

that scares you isnt it?

for having to look into my mind

and see a mirror of yourself

with all the "what were you thinking?"

& yes i have thought about it, everything

my thoughts just needed a safe space to land

and God forbid you to take this away from me

im writing again as obnoxiously as i can

because the pain never really left

you mustve forgotten by now