I'M REALLY UNDECIDED.

I am now in possession of two very expensive pieces of paper. A diploma and a degree. I’ve waged war against my mental health, an enemy who lives inside my mind. I’ve gone to classes and handed over heaps of money. I’ve done my time in the field, written essays and started over twice in favor of my own anxieties that have fought against me every step of the way. 

So here I am, graduated with distinction and now what?

It’s been a month out the door and already I’m drained with what work I’ve been presented. People live like this though, this is something I have to do, being a citizen of society. We all play our part to make sure this thing we’ve built up doesn’t come toppling down on us, bringing about some sort of apocalypse. 

Then there is time. Time has been a trigger for years. How old am I now? Do I have enough time to reach my goals? What about all these years in school? For those who have an anxious mind that can only be calmed with some external means of medication, you understand. 

How long do I have to find my calling? Will I? Most likely not, I wouldn’t be surprised if statistically, the number of people who live for their work is horribly low. Regardless, I won’t waste my life dragging from day to day just to scrape together enough to live. What’s living if you struggle through every moment? 

I hear about these people who find their calling. They go to work with a smile on their face and a fire in their hearts. The day passes quickly, and then they wait and plan for the next. Or there are even those who clock in with indifference, doing their part before noticing the time has flown by. They go back to their real lives at the end of the day.

I find myself not in either of those categories, but instead, one of the number who dread waking up on a weekday. The people who watch the clock at their place of employment as it drags the second hand along its face with agonizing effort. Who, when they get home, are so tired from the events of the day they find themselves passed out until the next morning when it starts over again.

You know what I do a lot of? 

Sitting. 

I play video games, write, play in photoshop and chat with my friends, all on the computer. You might be thinking, oh that’s not so bad... but when I say all the time I mean ALL. THE. TIME. I come home from work and head down to my computer desk. I finish school, head down to my computer desk. It’s Saturday morning and I have nothing to do that day? Guess where I’ll be spending it. 

I don’t necessarily regret all of those hours. I’ve enhanced my mind, found the joy in art and writing, and have met some amazing people over the internet. But, I am in my mid-twenties and I’m starting to feel those effects of sedentary lifestyle. 

I’m not doing this for anyone else, I’m doing this for me. 

I’m not happy anymore, I watch people do yoga, go for jogs and live their life offline. I want that. I want to feel relaxed and at ease in nature, I want to feel my muscles strain and strengthen as I develop them and journey to make my body healthier than it’s ever been. This is something that I want, and now I feel is the time to really go for it. 

I’ve set a goal for myself, it is not a small goal by any means, but I feel like it is attainable. I want to master the art of Yoga. I want to be someone who can merge yoga into my practice as a witch and a spiritual person. I want to be able to lose myself in the way my body moves. 

This obviously isn’t something that I think I can do in a week, a month or even a year. This is a process that will go on for most likely the rest of my life. I am dedicated, I want this, and I’m going to make it happen.