iJuggs

You know that feeling when you spaghetti so hard you tear a hole in the space time continuum and you don't know if you should try to reach out and try to correct it or if you've reached levels of autism never before achieved on this plane of existence and you've doomed yourself to never have friends again?

Well, my one friend, arguably my only actual friend, has been super nice to me. He and his roommates even set up a game of munchkin to enable a series of events that let them "argue" about gender for a bit and make me feel really comfortable expressing myself in front of them.

I think I fucked things up, because after doing some really nice things for me, like things I've never experienced from anyone except people I was dating, I felt compelled to reach out and thank him with a letter. Well, I sent it to him and I haven't heard anything back. I joked a bit in the letter, but nothing more than what I've already written about in a story series I was hired to write for his band. He and his roommates all make really flamboyant jokes and seem to flirt with each other, but maybe I'm just retarded. It would not be the first time I've fucked up in epic proportions.

I barely know how to socialize, let alone gay. I have a crippling fear of rejection due to abandonment issues revolving my mother's death. I've never felt comfortable reaching out to someone and telling them how I feel when it comes to being attracted to them or feeling for them. I feel horrible right now because I don't know if I ruined our friendship or what.

I feel so alone; trapped in my head while the world passes by me. I want to scream. I don't know how to talk to guys or attract them to me. I'm just starting my journey to becoming a woman, so I'm still presenting as a guy. How do I do this?

A clear sky is blue

But what clouds will do

Stain the heavens

Rain comes from seven

Scars on the arm

Marred is my charm

No second look

Worse than a crook

Seen as a freak

Have to be meek

Otherwise worse

This mental curse

Trapped in my brain

Completely insane

Alone and afraid

Can’t get paid

Unable to function

Stuck at this junction

Feel subhuman

Want to be a woman

Then I’ll get attention

Won’t even mention

Won’t hate my body

Perhaps still be shoddy

But better than this

Someone would kiss

Take advantage

That I could manage

Have to be a machine

To wake from this dream

Pushing forwards every day

Be lazy; I will pay

Was once a slave

Happier that way

At least not drowning

Constantly frowning

When I had a master

Wasn’t a disaster

Someone was there

Even if they didn’t care

A body is better