Lindsay's Not-So-Secret Ramblings

I truly do realize how unfair it has been of me to hammer away at getting engaged. I really did quite well for 2 weeks there, refusing to let myself say anything about it, working my ass off so the house was pristine, trying to make him want to propose to me. And when I didn’t feel validated, and I was depleted from putting so much pressure on myself to make him want something he doesn’t, I hopped right back on the engagement crazy train. I know you all know what I am talking about, all of us twenty-something girls are on this train together. And even though staying off it would make the most sense, you just can't help but hop on. You justify hopping on to yourself by claiming it will just be a tiny ride, just a skim through Cape Cod Wedding Venues, or a click on some wedding time line you found on Pinterest... but we all know that it's never a short ride on this crazy train.  Anyways, I am having a hard time grasping and understanding the fact that although it is something so important to me, there is absolutely nothing I can do to make it happen. Well, I suppose shutting up about it might make it happen faster…. But… It’s just so rough being at this point. This terrible point where as badly as I want to go to the cabin in New Hampshire, I physically can’t let myself go because I will have my hopes up that it will happen the whole time we are there. I don’t know how to turn that off. I don’t know how to turn off my hopes in these stupid situations where he says or does something and I am like “this is it” and then I get grumpy not for the sole reason that he assumes – that he didn’t do it in that moment. I am more grumpy because I am embarrassed that I thought that was it, I am so inwardly embarrassed whenever I get my hopes up and then I sit there and beat myself up and have another inward dialogue about how I need to let it go, yet it’s impossible for me to do that. I literally almost burst into tears watching the opening scene of the new show Marry Me… because they hit the nail so hard on the head that the nail shot right through the other side of the board. I laughed, and almost cried, because it assured me that I am not the only bat-shit-crazy girlfriend who continually has her hopes up even when she has convinced herself that she doesn’t. And then takes it out on her poor unsuspecting boyfriend who had no idea what she was actively trying not to anticipate all weekend.   I do truly partially blame Pinterest for fueling my engagement frenzy. Even when, for the 10th time this week, I commit myself to not posting to my own secret wedding board until I actually have a ring on my finger, I can’t escape everyone else’s wedding pins in my feed and then I am sucked in and lost to typing “rustic vintage wedding” and scouring hundreds of pins trying to put together this beautiful cohesive vision for a wedding I have no right to plan. Gone are the days where you had a dream dress or a dream venue and that is what you brought to the table when he finally popped the question… now you know exactly which are your top 5 poses for your engagement photos, which options you will give your (future) fiancé for the first dance, your wedding venue, your dress, your hair, your party favors, your colors, your bridesmaid dresses… you literally have everything planned out. And that is a lot of pressure. That is a lot of pressure for you, that is a lot of pressure for your poor boyfriend who has no idea of the wedding steamroller your brain has become, and that is a lot of pressure for this whole idea of engagement that is supposed to be a surprise testament and announcement of true love that you keep asking about every week. And... that. is. crazy. We are crazy! And it's exhausting for everyone involved and your poor heart deserves a breather.  I am trying to remind myself of his viewpoint, and where he is at. This is supposed to be his thing - his creation, his idea, his words, his last hurrah in having total control over anything to do with our wedding. And I want that. I want him to profess his love for me in a way that is totally him, not a way that is dictated by the movies, or Youtube videos, or pins showing me how all these other girls got engaged. And I need to let him have that. I need to let him be spontaneous, and nervous, and excited. I need to let him surprise me. I want to let him surprise me. So I need to stop obsessing…  Which is an extremely difficult undertaking, but I am doing this publicly so that I can try to hold myself to it and hopefully have better luck of it this time. I am vowing off: 

Pinning any wedding pins until I have a ring on my finger

Bringing up anything to do with engagement on my own. If he brings it up, fine, but I am not making even the vaguest hint or question about it anymore. It just creates too much tension. 

Binge watching Say Yes to the Dress

Instead, I am hoping to replace those behaviors with:

Making 3 recipes per week from the 500 some odd recipe pins I have

Actually completing a 30-day exercise challenge

Reading books from my Kindle Wish List