One time there was a dude and some lady. They couldn’t make a baby no matter how much they boned. The lady wished that god would bone her and give her a baby, but there is no god. Anyway, these people had a window in the back of their shitty house and from it you could see a garden. The garden was the nicest thing their shit eyes ever beheld! All types of fruits and flowers and shit grew in this fucker, but there was a big ass wall all around that mother fucking beautiful garden. Also it was owned by a crazy lady-wizard who everyone knew would fuck you up if you stepped foot in there. One day the lady was staring at the garden through her window thinking about fucking god when she saw this wizard plant she was really into. She really wanted to make a salad out of that shit but she didn’t want to get caught by the lady-wizard and get fucked up. She stood there for days just thinking about fork loads of tasty tasty wizard plant. Finally the husband noticed his wife wasting away at the window. He turned to her and said, “S’up wichu?” The lady was like, “I’m gonna fucking die if I don’t get to eat some of that wizard shit out there, I’m serious!” So, that night the dude climbs the wall and dumps his ass into that freaky garden. He comes back with a handful of wizard plant and the wife stuffs her face. As soon as she was done eating she wanted more and she started freaking out. She wouldn’t stop fucking with him until he went and got more. The next night he climbs over the wall again. He was sneaking around being "stealthy-as-all-get-out" when all of a sudden there’s the goddamn lady-wizard. The man had a fear seizure and shat himself wetly. The lady-wizard was like, “You’ve been stealing my wizard celery. You know I’m gonna fuck you right up.” The dude stood trembling in his fear glaze, then blurted out, “My wife made me do it! She got addicted to your wizard plant!” The lady-wizard thought for a moment then made a weird decision. “Look, you can have all the wizard plant you want but I get to keep your first born. I want this because of wizard reasons.” The dude instantly agreed, for he was, at the moment, experiencing baffling amounts of shame and cowardice. Then the dude and his wife ate really absurd amounts of wizard plant and boned all day, everyday, until they had a baby girl. The lady-wizard stopped by and took the baby. The dude and his wife didn’t even care at that point because all they gave a shit about was gitten’ dat wizard plant. Years later they died in a dirt bike accident. The lady-wizard, being a new mother, did what all new mothers do and imprisoned her new baby in a tall tower with no doors and only one window at the top. She named her Rapunzel. Time passed and Rapunzel grew into a beautiful feral creature. When the lady-wizard wanted someone to yell at she would visit Rapunzel in her tower. Rapunzel, never having had a bath or a haircut, had some crazy long hair. So when the lady-wizard would show up drunk and start yelling, “Yo! Gimme that hair ladder!”, Rapunzel would unravel her funky nest head and drop that shit down 10 stories so her drunk mother could climb up like some kind of shriveled american gladiator. The lady-wizard probably could have flown up to the window but she was a bitch. One day the king’s son was riding through the forest and he heard a beautiful song coming from the tower. It go, “It’s all about the Ulyses s. Grants. I’m just a girl in the corner with a butt implant!”, and so on. The prince had never heard a song before and for all he knew, this may as well be the best one. The prince briefly walked around the tower looking for a door. Finding no obvious way in he instantly gave up and went home. But that beautiful siren song haunted his dreams that night. The next morning he returned to the tower and saw the lady-wizard standing below the window. The prince watched from the bushes like a creepy dick-out guy. “Yo! Gimme that hair laddahhhhhhr!” , the lady-wizard screamed. That’s when the prince knew the secret to getting into the tower was to ask to be let in. The prince waited hours for the lady-wizard to run out of booze and leave. When she did he skulked over to the tower and shrieked, “Gimme that hair ladddaaaaah!” A cascade of tangled lady locks tumbled from the tower window bringing with it the smell of wet dog and a vague feeling of remorse. The prince climbed that hairy mess like a bedazzled salmon fighting the rapids of a gnarly stink river. Naturally, Rapunzel was freaked out by some rando heaving his shitty body through her tower window late at night, but the prince spoke soothing words. The prince softly crooned, “Chill out lady. I’m super rich.” This cooled Rapunzels jets. Rapunzel then misunderstood her own feelings of greed and her desperate need to escape her tower prison as true, unconditional love. So, seconds later, when the prince proposed marriage to Rapunzel, her slack mouth and vacant stare was all the “yes” they needed. Every night for weeks the prince would wait for the lady-wizard to leave and he would climb up to hang out with Rapunzel. When he left early in the morning he would leave behind a new sleeveless Motley Crue T-shirt. When there were enough shirts to make a rad rope for Rapunzel to climb down they would make their escape. One day while the lady-wizard was visiting, Rapunzel was like, “You must be like, at least twice as heavy as my prince boyfriend who comes to visit me every night.” To which the lady-wizard replied, “How could you just blurt out a secret like that? I’m gonna fuck you both right up!” So lady-wizard grabs up Rapunzels hair and snips that shit, leaving her looking like a cabbage patch kid groomed by an arsonist. Also she teleports Rapunzel to the desert. Poof! That night the prince comes by and yells,”Hair LADDAAAAH!” The long hair comes tumbling down and the prince climbs up as usual but when he gets into the room at the top he sees the hair is attached to a hook on the wall and the lady-wizard is sitting there like some kind of widowed clown-phantom. The prince, “Aw snap!” The lady-wizard, “You’re about to get fucked up!” With complete dedication to a heinous and humiliating exodus, the prince cast his dignity aside and defenestrated himself like a plastic bag full of oatmeal. The prince plummeted, eye-first into the extra long thorn bushes below, permanently blinding him and leaving him looking like a big dumb idiot. For many years the prince stumbled eyeless throughout the land, crying like a kitten feeling human pain, crawling in the dirt like a once bedazzled salmon, and eating roots and bugs and shit like that. Eventually he wandered himself into the desert and came upon a real shit show of human misery. A grizzled woman lived there in a shack with twins she had given birth to, a boy and a girl. When the prince heard the grizzled woman's shrill tinny voice he knew it was Rapunzel. They pressed their sticky bodies together and wept. Years later they died in a dirt bike accident. The End
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