"uh, oh, this shit is scaring me"

Jeżeli teraz rzucisz się na jedzenie, apetyt będzie NADAL WRACAŁ ❗.

Jeżeli teraz rzucisz się na jedzenie, to NIE BĘDZIE Twój ostatni raz.

Napady nadal będą się bezustannie powtarzać, żolądek rozciągać, a apetyt powiększać. PRZERWIJ TEN CIĄG ❗❗.

Me: okay so I probably ate like a good 600 - 700 calories

My ED: actually it was 800 calories

Do you think this is a pretty sight? This is the reality of having anorexia for 12+ years. The reality of what eating disorders can do to your body.

When I was in high school and then in college getting my bachelors degree, I spent more time in hospitals and treatment centers than I did out of them.

And then I found out

My organs failed. Permanently.

Last year, I needed major surgery that took about 4 HOURS, and after that I was admitted to the hospital for a week on heavy pain medications, being wheeled around because I couldn’t walk.

I had tubes everywhere.

I had to medically withdraw from graduate school because I had to spend that time in doctors offices, infusion centers for IVs, in the ER, or admitted into the hospital.

Now I have a 6 inch scar across my abdomen and will be on medications for the rest of my life to help my heart and stomach function enough to keep me alive.

I’ve nearly died multiple times from the ED, but I had never believed that my organs could shut down and leave me to deal with that reality for the rest of my life.

That is not a way anyone should have to live life.

{{I never want to forget how good it feels to finally be skinny!!!}}

🌺 On Christmas, my cousins asked if I had ever considered modeling. I said no, I’m too short, you have to be like 5'7… They insisted I should at least look into social media modeling!

🌺 A few days later my dad brings it up again, “You know, you really do look like you could be a model!” He’s never said anything like that to me before.

🌺 My mom comments almost every day on how skinny/tiny/little I am now. She used to always talk about how we both needed to lose weight. And now she’s always trying to offer me food, rather than criticizing too many snacks.

🌺 I posted a selfie on instagram and a girl I hardly know commented “omg your bone structure is unreal” … (literally no one has ever said that to me, ever! I didn’t even think I had any bone structure lmao)

🌺 I went for a hike with my brother and I didn’t have any trouble keeping up, didn’t feel tired or out of breath, kept up with the conversation and just really enjoyed the whole thing! I’ve always loved hiking but always used to be the slow one, struggling and holding up the group.

🌺 Skinny legs in leggings! Skinny legs in boots! Skinny legs in leggings and boots and cute layers on top! There’s no words for it but it’s literally my favorite thing.

🌺 Having to wear baggy sweaters with scarves so you don’t look too skinny. (Literally never thought I’d ever have that problem lol.)

🌺 Long blonde hair looks good when it’s messy; I only ever use a tiny bit of makeup; my outfits are cuter and more interesting… It’s easy to get ready to go anywhere and I feel so much more confident about the way I look.

🌺 The best clothes in the clearance section are always XS or S, so you can buy cute things cheaper than everybody else paid for it lol

🌺 Learning to love salads and unsweetened tea!! Tastes so good and feels so healthy!!

🌺 Saying no to junk foods and binges just gets easier and easier tbh. You’re in control and you get in the habit of saying no/making better choices.

🌺 When I try to set my phone on my lap and it falls through my thigh gap… It’s mildly stressful and annoying but in the best way possible! (I usually can’t even manage to clamp my thighs together to catch it, it just ends up hurting my knees.)

🌺 The feeling of walking with a thigh gap… Your legs not even brushing past each other. I feel like dancing all the time!

🌺 You get more drunk off less alcohol. If you get too drunk you know you’re small and cute and your friends won’t have any trouble helping you get home. (I usually don’t drink that much, I like being in control of myself. But a few glasses of wine is enough to get me loose and having a good time!)

🌺 Gaining the confidence to dance in public and be goofy because you know you’re small and cute.

🌺 In general, I’m much less self-conscious about my body and it feels so free. I’m still insecure about my personality and I still struggle with school and there’s all kinds of things in my life that I still need to work on, but it feels really, really good to have at least one less thing to worry about. (At least I know I look okay on the outside even though my life is still a mess lol.)

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