brit abroad

I have finally gone for it and here is my new girl Imogen.

“I feel like I have everything to be sorry about.” Amelia almost whispering, allowing her tears to freely flow. “It’s what I deserve. I’m not good enough for them.” It was then that her tears turned into complete sobs. She was letting her deepest darkest secret out for Imogen to know. It was how she felt her entire life. She wasn’t good enough for her biological parents to want her. She wasn’t good enough for her adoptive parents to stay. She wasn’t good enough for any of her exes to stay. She was always having to prove herself. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how bad things were before, but I didn’t want to scare you away.” 

-

She shook her head, “you really don’t,” she attempted to reassure. Imogen had never been good at this, at supporting someone and comforting them. It didn’t feel natural at all to her, but she wanted to try, she wanted to get it right for Amelia. “Your mum is not going to scare me away,” she stated, “I’m not her girlfriend, I’m yours.” Imogen’s own lack of connection with her family made her not worried at all about Amelia’s. Sure, she’d hate having to sit through the meals but she’d do it for Amelia, she’d smiled and make small talk about place settings and etiquette if it made Amelia happy. “My mum isn’t exactly the kind you get in a disney movie either,” she admitted.

“Ah, not the bull riding type of rodeo. But this whole thing,” A gesture to the whole shebang going on around them. “It’s all a rodeo. But there is a sheep-riding contest for kids. They hold on for dear life while the sheep are let loose.” It was always a hilarious disaster to watch. “Most of the kids do barrel racing on their horses though, which is pretty safe. Some of the older kids do a little calf roping.” Stepping up to the food truck, Erica put in their orders for hot dogs, which were quickly delivered. Erica added ketchup and mustard to hers, grabbing a few napkins. Another snort, shaking her head at Imogen’s words. “I know, because they’re quiet. It means docile. And honestly, they don’t want to trample all over you. Not unless they really, really don’t like you.”

-

She listened to Erica’s explanation but ultimately didn’t understand it. “This is all a rodeo?” she questioned, feeling very much like a foreigner. Her mouth fell open momentarily at the mention of a sheet riding competition, “the children ride sheep?” she asked, wondering if that sounded brilliant or terrible. “All of that sounds incredibly difficult to me,” she explained. Imogen thanked Erica for her hot dog and added ketchup before tucking in. “See, you almost had me, but now I’m completely sure that the horse will have a specific vendetta against me.” She knew it was rather irrational but horses had always seemed so terrifying to her, probably because the first ones she knew were rather unpredictable and very very large.

Feeling Imogen climb onto the sofa, Amelia instantly melted into her embrace. Having Imogen’s arms around her gave her a safe place. She was able to finally feel everything without the worry of Imogen walking away. Never could she be afraid of the blonde. She was her safe place. Something that scared the shit out of her because of how fast this happened. “I’m used to it.” Amelia said softly, letting the tears start to fall. She was going to go back every week. Her family was the most important thing in her life. She wasn’t going to turn a blind eye to them. “She never will because I wasn’t able to save her marriage.” Amelia admitted. “They only adopted me because they thought a new baby patch everything up between them. They offered my biological parents twenty grand and I was theirs.” Amelia nestled her face in Imogen’s chest. “I’m sorry.” 

-

Imogen was relieved that Amelia wasn’t scared of her, that she wanted her reassurance. Imogen wasn’t tactile, but Amelia was, and she would do anything to make her feel better. You have nothing to be sorry about,” she stated. “I just hate that you have to sit through that every week.” She pulled Amelia tighter, “They don’t deserve you.” It was hard for Imogen to understand that whole ‘they’re family’ thing because she’d left her own family behind. She’d severed her ties and hadn’t spoken to her mother in years, so the idea that Amelia sat through being belittled every week for the sake of family was such a foreign concept to her.

Pulling her knees to her chest, Amelia sat there trying to make sure the tears didn’t fall. This entire thing was a shit show. It went terribly wrong and she should have made a better choice. She was kicking herself in the ass for even bringing Imogen. For even telling her mother that she was in a stable relationship for what felt like the first time in years. The only thing her mother cared about was that James was back in town. That her high school boyfriend was available for her when ever she wanted to take him back. That her being a lesbian was just a phase just like it had been since she came out. “Baby.” Amelia said softly looking up at Imogen. She held her hand out for the other to grab. “Can you please come here?” She knew that she was the one that asked Imogen to talk. To tell her what had been going on in her head. She didn’t realize that there was so much anger that was being stored there all because of her mother. “I appreciate you so much.” 

-

She wanted to fix it, yet she’d sat there smiling and nodding along pretending everything was fine, because that’s what Amelia had wanted her to do. Imogen wanted to make Amelia happy so she’d played along but it had been hard, really hard. She knew she had no right to judge anyone’s family, hers was a mess but just hearing the way Amelia’s mum spoke about her made Imogen see red, in a way that she’d never really experienced before. She felt the worry leave her body when Amelia reached out to her, she’d been so worried that her outburst had scared her. She took Amelia’s hand and climbed onto the sofa, pulling Amelia towards her. “You shouldn’t ever have to sit through that alone,” she mused. She knew that Amelia would go back, she was family and that was important, but Imogen didn’t want Amelia to have to go through that again, the one thing she could do was provide some moral support. “I just wish she could see you the way I do.”

Amelia hated this. She hated that she brought Imogen into this. Especially with how angry she was at it. It wasn’t easy for Amelia to sit there week after week. But, typically her brother was a buffer for the comments. He typically stood up for her when her mother got out of hand like she did tonight. Amelia jumped slightly when Imogen threw her bag across the floor, wincing at the anger that was pouring out of her. This was a different version of her girlfriend than she had ever seen before. Frankly, she didn’t like it. But, she understood where it was coming from. “I have to. That’s my family.” Amelia said softly. “It’s not always that bad.” Amelia walked over to the couch, curling up at the edge to make herself as small as she possibly could. “I’m sorry I made you go. I just wanted you to meet them.” 

-

Imogen knew that she shouldn’t be reacting like this, that this wasn’t helping but she didn’t know how to stop it. She felt helpless, and that was not a feeling that Imogen appreciated, she liked being in control, she liked being able to make her own decisions. She couldn’t protect Amelia from her family, she couldn’t do anything to stop the vicious words that Amelia’s mother spewed, wrapped in a layer of fake caring. Imogen got both of them a glass of water, taking them into the living room and placing Amelia’s on the coffee table before taking a seat in the armchair. The idea that Amelia could be scared of her was terrifying and Imogen felt herself shrink down. “I’m sorry,” she said softly, “I just...” she tapered off. “She was so cold,” she admitted, “you’re so amazing and I hate that she could make you feel like you aren’t.”

closed starter for @imogenstevenson​ at Imogen’s place

The walk to Imogen’s place Downtown from Mama Goodwin’s residence in Iron Hill was a long and quiet one. The two of them not even talking or touching the entire way back. It was an odd feeling to feel so far from her girlfriend right now. She knew that bringing her to a family night dinner wasn’t a good choice. But, for some reason she went against her gut and had her come. She thought that it would make the night that much more bearable. That was a huge lie, it just brought Imogen into her less than perfect familial life. Walking into Imogen’s place, Amelia slide her shoes off letting out a large sigh. “Can you please say something?” Amelia asked in almost desperation. She wanted to know what the hell was going on in Imogen’s head. It was the first time she actually found out that her mother was an ex soap star. It was also the first time that the fact that she was adopted came out in the flesh. “Please.” 

-

Imogen couldn’t remember the last time she was this angry. Part of her wanted to just grab Amelia’s hand and squeeze it tight to know that she wasn’t going anywhere, but her heartbeat was still pushing out of her chest. She had known it wasn’t going to be a walk in the park, that Amelia had warned her about them but she hadn’t expected that. Imogen had only seen family dinners on TV but she was expecting something wildly different than what she walked into. Imogen opened the door and took her shoes off, sighing as Amelia asked to her say something. “I’m so mad,” she admitted, throwing her bag across the floor before thinking better of it and picking it up before hanging it in the closet. “Urgh,” she said, moving towards the kitchen, needing a drink to calm herself down, “do you know how hard it was to just sit there and listen to her talk to you like that?” she asked, “why do you do that every week?”

All of Amelia’s life she had been told not to be as physical or sexual as she was. It was seen poorly in her mother’s eyes. Hell, even her brother wasn’t a fan of how open she was when it came to those taboo topics. But, she was a big believe that one needed to be able to talk about them in order to be comfortable. If one was too embarrassed to even talk about sex, should they even be having it? Her opinion was a big fat no. “I’m glad you can agree with me on one thing.” Amelia smirked, feeling the heat already build up inside of her. All she wanted was to get out of here, but she promised a proper American date. “Don’t tempt me, I look damn good in one and it goes so well with my outfit that I almost put one on.” She let out a soft laugh. “What it it too country for you?” She asked putting on a terrible country accent. Hearing her name, Amelia left Imogen quickly to grab the two snacks for them before coming back to her. “Want to find a table and sit for a minute?”

-

Growing up sex positive was one of the few good things about her childhood, her mother didn’t get most things right but she had been pretty good at the whole birds and the bees thing and ensured there as no shame about your body or it’s needs. Imogen had found it embarassing at the time but now she was thankful for that. She shook her head at the mention of Amelia putting on a cowboy hat, “please no,” she said, “you are gorgeous and could definitely pull anything off, put I do not have any kind of cowgirl fanstasies,” she stated. She faked a shudder as Amelia put on a very thick fake accent, “I am only just getting used to living in America, I cannot deal with that,” she laughed. She watched Amelia walk over to get the food, sizing up the fried oreos. “Yes, good plan,” she said looking for a table and beelining towards it, it was in a place with a good view of the fair so they could size up their next move.

“They will be the third best thing you put in your mouth today.” Amelia looked up at her with a smirk. “Or the second, but I’m definitely the first.” Who knew if Imogen was going to like the fried oreos more than funnel cake, but she honestly doubted that. “It is, just like me.” Amelia teased since she was took quintessentially American as she was born and raised here. “Of course, you were the one who paid for us to get in here so it’s the least I could do to make sure you got fed.” Amelia squeezed her hand slightly, signaling that she was definitely thankful for everything that Imogen had done. “I think it will be good. We might have to find a third game if we need a tie breaker.” 

-

She laughed at the comment, she did love Amelia’s brazen honesty, people tended to be coy when it came to sex but she loved how openly Amelia talked about it, because Imogen did too. “That I definitely agree with,” she smirked, biting her lip sofly at the teasing. She smiled, looking over Amelia, “you just need a cowboy hat and then you’re there,” she stated, “but also please do not wear a cowboy hat,” Amelia was gorgeous so she could probably pull it off but cowboy hats were definitely not something that Imogen found particularly appealing. “Game on,” she beamed, ready for the competition after they’d had their snacks.

“Not most of them, all but one.” Amelia smirked, reminding Imogen of their first date where she had successfully had found a loophole in not sleeping with someone on the first date. She loved being able to be close to Imogen. Even though she knew that the whole PDA thing was something that the blonde wasn’t used to or was even unsure about. It was why Amelia tried to keep it a minimum. But, she wasn’t going to not hold her girlfriend’s hand while they were walking around the fair on a date. The other could easily get lost after all. But, it was hard work restraining herself from kissing Imogen any chance she got or any time she made this cute and adorable face. That was the reason why their dates always ended in the bedroom. Amelia was allowed to do what ever she wanted once the date was over. “Oh you’re going to try one.” Amelia stated matter of factly before going up and ordering a funnel cake for them to share and six fried oreos. She handed the booth guy her card to pay before stepping to the side to wait for their order. “Then it looks like we are doing both.” She smirked. 

-

She shook her head, it was true, Amelia had attempted to find a loophole in the whole ‘first date thing’ but Imogen had stuck to her guns, which had really sucked because she’d wanted nothing more than to tear Amelia’s clothes off. Imogen couldn’t remember the last time she just casually held someone’s hand, probably over two years, she couldn’t remember doing it since she’d been in town. Since moving to Iron River Imogen had kept her cards quite close to her chest, then Amelia had come into her life and now all of that was out the window. “Are they good?” she asked, still unsure if it sounded good or terrible, “it feels quintessentially American.” She smiled as Amelia paid, throwing a, “thanks,” her way, knowing that she’d pay for whatever they did next. That was one of the reasons Imogen was thankful to be a lesbian, she couldn’t deal with the expectation that the other person always paid, her pride wouldn’t allow it. She scoffed as Amelia decided that they had to do both, “fine, an even playing field then.”

Looking over at Imogen with a raised eyebrow as she suggested they they were going to end up at her place at the end of the night, Amelia couldn’t help but smirk. “I think I’m rubbing off on you. But of course we’re ending there, we have things to celebrate.” She winked, pulling her girlfriend in the direction towards the funnel cake booth. Standing in line, Amelia looked over the menu. It was obvious that they were going to get a funnel cake but she wanted too see what else was there. “Have you had fried oreos?” She asked curiously, not sure what the Brit has or haven’t had. Americans tended to fry just about everything they could. “I was thinking maybe hook a duck or the water pistol race.” Amelia looked up at her with a smile. “Which one sounds better to you?” 

-

She laughed at the idea of Amelia rubbing off on her, it was true, Amelia was soft and carefree and Imogen had found herself being a little more like that too. “I just know you well enough to end that most dates end up naked,” she laughed. She certainly wasn’t complaining, Amelia was particularly skilled in a variety of ways and one of them was in the bedroom. She followed Amelia, still feeling unsure about the handholding but for some reason she didn’t pull away, her hatred of PDA dissolved because of the way it seemed to make Amelia happy. Imogen’s eyes scanned the menu but she was mainly interested in the funnel cake. She furrowed her eyebrow at the question, “fried oreos?” she questioned, trying to decide if that sounded delicious or completely terrible, “nope, never had one.” She listened to the options, relieved that she had actually heard of both of them, “hook a duck feels like it plays more to my strengths,” she declared.

“Yeah, they’re pretty cute from a distance.” Erica hadn’t really thought about kids of her own. She’d always been too focused on her career to even think about it in any true capacity. And besides, she certainly didn’t want to do it alone, so she was missing a crucial piece of the puzzle for the moment. “Some of them have these scruffy ponies that just zoom around the arena with the kids hanging on for dear life.” It was sort of amusing. Though, watching kids on their parents’ horses was just as entertaining, their legs barely reaching past the end of the saddle. “I’m sure I could find you a quiet one.” Erica mused, glancing at the other blonde, before stepping up and putting in the order for two hotdogs. 

-

“Agreed,” Imogen said. She knew that most people found it odd that she had no interest in children, given that her entire livelihood was dedicated to bringing babies into the world. She loved being part of that moment for other people, but it didn’t give her any urge to have it for herself. She’d seen what it was like when a non-maternal mother had children, how they could become a burden, how one person could cause so much pain for another, she didn’t want that. She was a good aunt, she’d be an even better one if she didn’t like an ocean away, but she needed to be able to walk away. “Do the kids do rodeo?” she asked, the idea of western riding was very unfamiliar to Imogen. “The noise isn’t the problem,” she started, misinterpreting her, “how do you know for sure that they aren’t going to throw you off and trample all over you?”

With this new relationship with Imogen, Amelia was starting to realize how beneficial a divorce would actually be. It was something she never thought she would need. She didn’t plan on getting remarried to anyone and it wasn’t like they actually acted like a married couple. They never did. They just got the paper and the experience for the blog. It wasn’t a wedding that Amelia ever imagined herself having, but that imagination stopped afterwards. “Can we stop talking about my ex and just enjoy our first date as a couple?” Amelia asked, wanting to put everything with Clementine behind her and just focus on the blonde in front of her. “But seeing you get all competitive is a turn on.” Amelia smirked, walking side by side, hand in hand. It was a comforting feeling with Imogen right there. She felt safe and seen. Something she hadn’t felt in such a long time. “You don’t want to let me decide.” Amelia let out a soft chuckle, knowing exactly what she wanted to be doing. “One game won’t ruin our relationship and the winner can pick what we do next.” 

-

Imogen had no idea how this was going to go, part of her brain could only see how it would crash and burn, because those were all the references that she had. She was trying not to tel herself dwell on it though because she had a tendency to ruin things before they’d even begun. She laughed lightly as Amelia asked if they could stop discussing her ex, “fine,” she said, squeezing Amelia’s hand lightly. She found herself rolling her eyes as Amelia managed to turn a conversation dirty again, truth was it was a skill really. “Oh I am happy for you to decide, especially if that means heading back to yours,” she said, the fair definitely wasn’t as bad as she’d anticipated but she’d still much rather be at the house with Amelia. “Okay deal, what’s your game of choice?” she asked.

“You—” A disgruntled looks crossed Erica’s features, shaking her head at the nonsense that had just come out of the other woman’s mouth. Who didn’t like peanut butter? Whatever, that was a concern for another day. “Funnel cake for dessert then, after we get you a hotdog.” The blonde scanned the lines at the food trucks, picking out one for them to join, nudging Imogen along with her. “There’s some kids events on in the main arena in like…” A glance at her watch. “Like forty minutes. They’re pretty cute.” Another laugh when Imogen insisted she wasn’t getting on a horse. “I’m going to get you on one day, but alright, not today.” 

-

She laughed as Erica reacted to her ‘news’, it never seemed to go down too well in America, but most people got over it eventually. “Hot dog, that we can do,” she said, glad that Erica hadn’t decided to go for something like the pickle nachos. She followed alongisde Erica heading to the food truck. “Sounds good, I have no interest in kids of my own but they are cute from a distance,” she laughed. She shook her head strongly, “a horse could kill me in an instant, I do not have that kind of trust in them.”

Amelia knew that she was forever going to have to reassure Imogen about Clementine. She knew that it looked bad. Her being married and trying to date. But, this circumstance was different and complicated. The fact that she hadn’t bothered to file for divorce was really kicking her in the ass right now. It was something she made a mental note to look into. “Hey, I wasn’t hiding anything. She just showed up out of no where.” Amelia said softly, trying not to let her mind wondering on the exact reason why Clementine picked this place. Out of all the places in the world, why did she pick the one she was in? As the Ferris Wheel came to a stop, Amelia grabbed Imogen’s hand and led her off the ride. “Okay, so we rode a ride, where do you want to go next?” She asked. “There’s that funnel cake you’re so fond of or we can try another ride or we can get in to some friendly competition or we can head over to the concert that should be starting soonish.”

-

Imogen wasn’t one to usually feel jealous but there was something about this whole thing that worried her. She understood that Amelia was choosing her now but she was concerned that at some point the marriage may prevail, it was a big commitment so there must’ve been something strong between them at some point. Imogen wasn’t sure if she could ever see herself getting married, it felt like a rather pointless exercise to her, especially as she wasn’t religious in any respect. “A very lucky dart it seems,” she mused, still not entirely sure that the two landing in the same town was just a coincidence. She took Amelia’s hand as they climbed off the ferris wheel. “You should know by now that friendly competition is an oxymoron when it comes to me,” she laughed. “I’m up for funnel cake, then you can decide what’s after that.”

Really Amelia didn’t know what this relationship was going to look like. All she had ever had were failed ones. Everyone always seemed to just up and leave her. Whether they were in some kind of relationship or even married. She went by the motto, everyone leaves so don’t get attached. But, here Amelia was getting attached to Imogen. All she wanted was for this to actually work. She could see it but she was terrified that she’d end up fucking it up some how. “A year or what ever feels right.” Amelia said softly. She wanted to make sure the two of them were in this together. There weren’t any rules to it all. She was just going to let it all play out and do what felt right to her and to Imogen. “We’re a total cliche.” Amelia said against her lips. Only pulling back when the mention of her wife came up. Placing a gentle hand against Imogen’s cheek, Amelia shook her head. “You have nothing to worry about when it comes to Clementine or any other women. I care for her but the ship of us has sailed and I’m never getting back on it. She broke my heart and there’s no fixing any of it, nor do I want to.” Amelia looked into her eyes, trying her best to reassure her. “You are who I want, no one else. There’s nothing to be worried about.” 

-

Imogen hadn’t had that many real relationships in her life but the ones she had had did not end well, in fact they crumbled pretty quickly. Imogen wasn’t good at this, at showing someone she cared and dedicating time to someone. She was wrapped up in her work and wasn’t that great at showing her feelings so people tended to tire of her quite quickly. Imogen allowed herself to melt into Amelia, keeping her eyes on Amelia’s as she spoke about Clementine. It was reassuring to hear that Amelia wasn’t interested in Clementine anymore, that it wasn’t just a case of Clementine leaving her. Imogen had been worried that Clementine returning would remind Amelia of why she loved her in the first place. “Good,” she smiled, “and in case you were unsure, I don’t have any wives hiding around town.”