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everytime i will see hope and choose to stay, lagi namang may hindi magandang nangyayari plus sobrang walang silbi ko plus paulit ulit paulit ulit na sinasabi ni papa how walang kwenta i am., how stupid i am, paulit ulit pinapamukha na wala na kong ginawang tama, so what's the sense of staying?

wala rin naman ako silbi sa office.

wala rin ako silbi sa ekklesia

wala rin ako silbi as anak ni mommy

wala kong silbi everywhere

so i'm sorry

pagod na talaga ako

galit ako sa lahat

ang sama sama ng loob ko

sasabihin nilang may paki sila sakin, ni kumustahin nga ko, di niyo magawa.

sabagay, ganon talaga pag wala kang silbi hahaha

i'm so mad

i'm so mad i wanna die

I'm thinking of unaliving myself again. I can't pick out dates yet when to do it but I'm thinking about it again.

I feel so useless haha

Nobody will know that I'm gone. Mom's gonna be in Leyte. Papa always keep on telling how useless I am. Grabe, sobrang useless ko u know? Wala na rin naman ako sa core.

wala na kong ginawang tama in everything

I hate my job too. There, I said it. I hate how my job requires me to have sympathy for those people who doesn't have basic human decency to talk nicely to people as if kami yung may kailangan sa kanila. Okay??? I hate it! I hate how I have to show up everyday kasi pagod na ko, okay????

Pakiramdam ko I'm all alone. Wala nang makikinig sa mga rants ko in life. Palagi nilang sinasabi na okay lang magsabi ako sa kanila, but no! Hindi okay. Wala sila pag kailangan ko sila. Pag nag sabi ako ng rants ko, syempre mali yung rants ko.

Gusto ko yakapin yung 2024 self ko at sabihin na we made it! Praise God because finally, I don't cry about him anymore. Iba naman yung iniiyakan ko ngayon.

Paulit ulit yung sinusulat ko na maawa si Lord at tanggalin nya yung sakit. I remember writing na I'm begging God to please, remove, delete, undo all the love I have for Asting kasi ang sakit na sobra.

Thank you, Lord for the answered prayer.

I'm planning to do more diary entries this year. Ano kaya yung repetitive entry ko this 2026? haha!

Sana okay yung psychiatrist ko bukas.

sana wfh bukas pls.

that feeling is back, that hopelessness. The endless tunnel, the darkness in everything.

I can see color but I couldn’t live with it. Everything feels in monochrome filter.

It’s frustrating. No matter how much I write my thoughts and feelings, it feels like it’s not working. Nothing is working. Nothing makes sense. No matter how much I try, I always end up failing.

No matter how much I tell people how I feel, it means nothing. I don’t feel being heard. I feel like I’n not saying enough, like I have to overexplain everything. And even if I over explain, they wouldn’t get it. I’m just tired.

I'm not okay. Pinipilit ko, pero di talaga ko okay. Feeling ko nag titiptoe ako around people. Feeling ko, I have to walk on eggshells whenever I'm with people. Kahit sa office, sa church, sa bahay. Kahit san.

I feel so alone. Pakiramdam ko wala na kong ginawang tama. Kanina, humingi muna ko allowance kay mommy kasi di ako sure kung sasahod ako ng Friday haha.

Ayoko na dito sa bahay, tbh.

Sanay naman ako mag isa pero di ko alam kung bakit, pakiramdam ko mag isa ako. Wala naman ako kailangan patunayan sa ibang tao pero pakiramdam ko, sobrang useless ko. Lahat ng idea ko, sablay. Lahat ng ginagawa ko, mali. Lahat ng sasabihin ko, di nag mamake sense.

hello! here are the things I achieved today:

nakaattend ako ng class today sa Statistics. (wala kong naintindihan, pero at least naka attend)

nasamahan ko si mommy sa therapy.

nakaisip na naman ako ng ibang product para sa feasib ko.

nakapag basa at nakapag devotion ako.

Wala tayong aasahan sa ibang tao so we have to work together in order for us to function. Gets mo?

Hindi ka forever useless, okay? Your failure won’t define you. Hindi yun yung identity mo. Okay?

Narinig mo yung gospel kagabi diba? Alam mo na, ok?

We will try again this time, ok?

(Self telling myself to do better)

(this is Kristine and Steffi talking)

(Steffi is the name I use when I’m in coffee shops hahaha)

(yes, my personalities have names haha so weird)

the thing about being an ornament, you will break your neck and your spine but it will take seconds but if it fails, you might be paralyzed.

the thing about helium tanks, they’re expensive and not readily available.

——

I hate these noises they’re all shouting in my head. I will always be the useless one and no one will know once I’m gone. diba diba? ok na yun. ganun talaga.

imagine mom’s life without me in it, wala nang pabigat sa kanya and she’ll enjoy all the time that she has without thinking na may pabigat syang anak.

imagine papa’s life without me, hindi na nya kailangan magalit. Wala na syang sasabihan ng walang kwenta at PI. His life will be peaceful without me in it.

Imagine Aru’s life. Di na sya mamomroblema kung gano ko kabobo mag desisyon in life (in general)

———

I’m so tired.

Ayoko na nito.